Thursday, November 23, 2006

Hope and Fear

Posted by Anonymous.

If you'd like to use this space to tell stories/secrets/confessions of your dangerous maternal mind, anonymously or otherwise, send me an e-mail (see sidebar) and you too can enjoy the refuge of the Basement.

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I found out I was pregnant on December 17th, 2005. The next day, my best friend gave birth to her son, my god son. I didn’t tell her I was pregnant when we visited her in the hospital. I wanted that day to be about her and her new son.

Two weeks later, I had a miscarriage.

I went home – to my parents’ house - for Christmas with my husband. On Christmas Eve, I told my parents, brother and sister I was six weeks pregnant. They cried - they were so happy. It would have been my parent’s’ first grandchild. They talked about names for the baby. I tried not to get too involved in those conversations. I thought it was too early. They thought I was being superstitious.

We came back to Toronto on Boxing Day. I went to the bathroom and saw blood in my underwear. We went to a clinic. The doctor said sometimes that happened, but if I had cramping and continued to bleed, I should go to a hospital.

I continued to bleed. We went to the hospital the next day. My husband came in the room with me. We were in there for three hours. They took blood tests. The doctor said I might be having a miscarriage. He told my husband to keep an eye on me overnight because I might hemorrhage. My husband didn’t sleep that night. He woke up every two hours, feeling my temperature.

The entire process lasted about four days. We were both off work. We distracted ourselves by running errands. One night I had really bad cramps, like having a period but worse. My husband asked me if we should go to the hospital, but I just wanted to be at home. I didn’t want to be in a waiting room, or lay on one of those tables, wearing an awful hospital nightgown, waiting for the doctor to come. There was nothing they could do anyway.

I wanted to be at home, in my own bed, with my husband’s arms wrapped around me. Letting my body go through what it was going to go through.

The next morning, I went to the bathroom and it came out of me. It plopped in the toilet. I’ll never forget that sound, that feeling.

I left the bathroom, stood in the hallway and cried out. It was over.

My husband came out of the bedroom and put his arms around me and we both cried.

We weren’t trying to get pregnant. The doctors all asked us if we had been trying. The answer was no, but in those short weeks, we had gotten used to the idea. And besides, what difference would it make if we were trying or not?

I had an ultrasound shortly after the miscarriage, to see if there was anything left and if I’d need a D and C. There was nothing there. But they found something on my ovary.

At first, they thought it was a cyst. And they told me to wait three months, have an ultrasound and see if it went away. I had three ultrasounds before the doctor referred me to a specialist. The specialist said it might be a tumor.

I had a cancer test. I had to pee in a jug for 24 hours. The test was negative.

They referred me to a surgeon. He’s going to remove the tumor in December. He asked if I had any concerns. I said my only concern was being able to get pregnant. He said the tumor was small enough that he’d be able to preserve the ovary.

If not, the other one is working fine.

I can’t help but think I should have had the surgery sooner. We played the wait-and-see game for too long.

I’m 32 years old.

And I can’t help but think the miscarriage was my fault.

Maybe it was the coffee, or the wine. Maybe I should have gone to the doctor more often. Maybe I should have taken better care of myself.

My friends are starting to have kids. Some are pregnant and have morning sickness.

What I’d give to have morning sickness.

I wonder what my life will be like if I can’t have kids. I wonder how I’ll cope if I have another miscarriage. I wonder why no one talks about miscarriages.

I wonder if this is it for me.

I wonder if that was my one chance.

I wonder if there is hope for me.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

I had a miscarriage years ago, an unplanned pregnancy. I was just getting used to the idea of having a baby when it happened. I spent the next 10 years wondering if that was my only chance. When I did get pregnant again I spent the entire time worrying about losing the baby. But I didn't. I know it's not the same but I wanted you to know I sort of understand though these emotions are your own and no one can know exactly how you feel. I wondered often if that was my one chance... and it wasn't.

ephelba said...

There wasn't anything you could have done- it's sooo not your fault. Studies have been done that say between 30 and 75 percent of pregnancies end in miscarraige. (It's a wide window because it's a hard study to do, most people agree it's closer to 30 percent than 75) Other studies have been done that found genetic problems in most of the babies that were lost in miscarraiges. Miss your baby, but trust your body to know what it's doing, and trust it to be able to grow another baby later. I wish you peace and hope.

Anonymous said...

I had a miscarriage too. And I still wonder about the baby, who he or she would have been.

But I had other children, and I carried on to have another. I was blessed.

But I will never forget that plopping sound, or the acute emptiness that followed.

I hope all is well with you, and you have the opportunity to have your own child. May God bless you and heal your body and spirit.

Anonymous said...

I wish more people would talk about miscarriages too. I don't think many of us understand how devastating it is. Thank you for being so open about what happened to you.

I have a dear friend who's gone through hell to become pregnant - including surgery WHILE pregnant to remove a grapefruit-sized cyst - and she's just gone past 20 weeks now. Hers is the miracle story I will trot out to help give others hope.

Don't give up hope.

Anonymous said...

There's so much hope for you. I don't know who you are or if you pray - and I don't pray that often - but I'll say one for you. There's hope. Where there's love, there's always hope.

DD said...

I don't know why no one talks about miscarriages, either. Unfortunately for us, we have now had three early pregnacy losses and each subsequent time, our family and friends offer less and less support. It's hard to make the decision to share something so personal about yourself as you never know what drivel might come out of someone's mouth.

It's true that you did nothing to cause your miscarriage. It was not the wine or coffee or not taking prenatals or not drinking enough water. It hurts to have a miscarriage and whether or not you decide to think of that loss as the loss of the baby, eventually the pain will subside to dull ache, but let that ache remind you of something precious. Something that you will surely be able to enjoy to a completeness when you are ready.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. It was not your fault.

I know there is hope for you.

Lillithmother said...

Grieve with your husband sister, but don't blame your body or yourself...it just happened. I had an unplanned pregnancy miscarriage...but I believe that souls choose us as parents, so I knew that the soul who left my body would be back again...and until then was with me in spirit. It made me feel so much better...

Peace of heart to you and your husband,
Lil

Anonymous said...

Me too sister, me too, it's a sad club but there are many members. I now have a 2 year old son, there is hope for you, I wiash you well.

ewe are here said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I won't say I know how you feel, because I don't. But I do know there's nothing you did or didn't do that 'caused' the miscarriage. Really.

I hope your surgery is a success and you go on to create the family of which you dream.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing. I had a miscarriage and I still feel a void or a sadness in my heart, I lost one of my babies. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry for you, for me, and for the other women (and men too) who have to experience this and live with this. I am lucky enough to have two beautiful children now and I am grateful they are both healthy children. I wish you well.

DDM said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Kate said...

There's always hope for you. And it does get better, even when the anniversaries loom large and it gets worse all over again.

I've had two losses and two perfect children. I'm grateful for my children every single day, but I often think of those lost chances, too. Not every day, anymore - it does fade in the face of normal everyday chaos - but it's there.

It felt like no one ever knew what to say when talking about a miscarriage, and people seemed to either say nothing (leaving me feeling like it couldn't be talked about) or said stupid things (I also got the "were you trying?" question, along with some other doozies).

And you'll always wonder if there was something you did to cause it, or something you could have done to prevent it. The not-knowing is one of the worst parts, I think.

Take care...

BlogWhore said...

We miscarried once. We didn't try for nearly six years meaning we didn't use much protection for nearly six years. And then, after a night in the hot tub, it just happened.

I know, I know. You hate hearing those "it happens its own time" stories. I did, too. But I am one of those stories, now. So have some faith. And practice, practice, practice.

alison said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. It's heartwrenching, isn't it? I lost my second at almost 11 weeks and went through the same self-doubt that you seem to be going through -- was it the wine I drank before I knew? The coffee? What had I done? Or not done that robbed me of my baby? But you know it wasn't anything you did or didn't do, right?

Trust me, this wasn't your only chance.

I gave birth to my first daughter when I was 36, miscarried at age 38, and gave birth to another healthy, beautiful daughter two weeks before I turned 39.

And you're right, people don't talk about miscarriage much. But I found that when I told the people I knew about losing the pregnancy, that many more people had had it happen to them too. And hearing their stories helped, as did their support.

Wait a bit, grieve, then back in the saddle and try again, if that's what you want.

Good luck

Gillian said...

My mom got pregnant with my little brother when her marriage was crumbling. She tried every old wives tale she had ever heard hoping to lose the pregnancy. No luck. She adored her baby boy when he came. Please don't plague yourself with what you could have done wrong to cause this. Clearly something went wrong, but it was not your fault and not something you did. Hold yourself dear for your loving concern, but above all guiltless please.

braiding mommy said...

My best friend went through a miscarriage over a year ago. It was a very difficult time and she wondered the same thing - why no one thought it was a big deal. Thank you for sharing - it is a big deal. Wishing you much hope and blessings in the future

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kittenpie said...

Oh, honey, I am so sorry. I wish I could gie you a big hug. It's an awful thing, and I am surprised at how many women have miscarriages, when they start talking about it and one after another, say, "Yeah, me too."

I think a lot of women worry as you do about whether it was something they did, because it seems like we're supposed to do this easily, naturally, like this is what our bodies were made for. Some women I've read have noted that doctors seem rather matter-of-fact about it, like it's no big deal. I wonder if this is because it happens more often than we really know.

I in no way say that to imply it's not a big deal - I imagine the experience to be a devastating loss for most people who go through it. But I do think if I'm right, it might help women to know that it's not them alone, it's not their fault.

I wish you all the best with your surgery, and I have a lot of faith that things will work out well for you.

(hugs)

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry.
I've had 4 miscarriages, and it doesn't get any easier. I have a 2 year old son... so I know my body knows how.

There is nothing you did to make it happen. I believve (I have to) that a m/c is the body's way of eliminating a mis-formed set of cells.

You can have a baby-- I had my son after 2 m/c's... and we are trying for another as well...

Bahar said...

You are only 32 years old.

This is the beginning of trying.

You will have your operation, and in 6 months or a year be pregnant againa and give birth to a little angel.

Please hang in there.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I could have written half of these comments. I also had a miscarriage. I also went through the self blame and I was sure it was my only chance.

The next time I got pregnant I had twins.

The pain never completely goes away, but it gets easier.

Geeklady said...

A week after your post, I also lost my baby. I should have been at 12 weeks, but I'd had a missed spontaneous abortion at 8. I had to go in for a D&C, and ended up spending the night prior to surgery, miserable and bleeding, in the ER.

My husband and I were devastated. We still are. This was going to be our first baby. Time and work, faith, lots of love, and excellent coping abilities are helping us through it.

I'm 26. I never thought it would happen to me, not so young, not when we got pregnant so easily.

This will sound horrid and cold, and forgive me. Please know that it's not what I intend, not after what I've just been through.

But some miscarriages just happen.

It wasn't anything you did, it wasn't your age, it probably wasn't your health problems. It just was.

I know this doesn't make the pain any easier.

*hugs*