Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Scared and Confused

Posted by Anonymous.

I am 28 years old and I have never had a loving relationship in my life. Perhaps that’s because until I was 25, my priorities were school and work.

My close friends describe me as educated, smart, successful, well spoken, funny, cute and very kind. Usually when guys meet me, the first thing they say is “you seem like every guy’s dream girl. How come you are single?”

4 years ago, the guy that I was in love with, broke it off because it turned out that he was cheating on his girlfriend with me for a year! I really had no idea! A coupld of other guys I met, never loved me or left me for someone else.

This year, I met someone at work and it seemed like it was instant connection. After about a month, I realized for some health reasons he was rather depressed. But I didn’t want to push him. My grand mother passed away and I decided to spend 2 weekends with my family rather than him. On a Sunday that we were supposed to meet for brunch, he didn’t show up. I called him for 12 hours and I was convinced that something had happened to him, until I saw him at work on Monday morning.

He apologized and said that he couldn’t return my calls because he was with someone else. I still shiver when I recall that conversation.

He said he didn’t think I would be so upset because I am a strong woman and I can have any man I want. Some of his words still buzz in my head: “she is a friend from before. I wasn’t planning on sleeping with her, it just happened.”

He apologized for a whole week and eventually we made up. With have been dating for more than 2 months after that incident, since.

He has introduced me to all his friends and even told his parents about me. This past weekend he met my parents.

I am still very curious about that weekend 2 months ago. He has a lady friend that lives close by and he doesn’t want to talk about her. I am pretty sure she is the woman he slept with.

Sometimes when he doesn’t pick up the phone, I can imagine him with her in bed and I start crying, despite the fact that he has bought me a promise ring, he says he loves me and he will never hurt me again.

I can see him sleeping with someone else if I get pregnant. I picture him saying “it just happened, I wasn’t planning on it”.

I care about him a lot. He is smart and sweet. He is very clean and even cooks for me. We have the same taste in food, clothes, furniture and movies. But I know he is a bit messed up.

I know when he was a child, he was molested. So was I, but I dealt with it. He tried to get married twice before, but was unsuccessful due to bad luck, mostly. He is emotionally unstable, I think.

I am beginning to think that I am emotionally unstable, too.

I am almost sure whoever I meet, will cheat on me eventually. I have always loved to become a mother. But now, I am afraid that the guy will leave me. What if he wants sex and I cannot give him that during pregnancy? What if I get fat and he doesn’t want me anymore?

Why do I hear on the news that 80% of men cheat?

I am pretty sure by now that I don’t deserve love and commitment. I am destined for heart break. I am very scared and confused.


EUC said...

I'm not sure how to start here so I'll say first that my intention is not to be mean in any way and hope my comments don't come off as such.

It does concern me, though that you say you don't deserve love and commitment and are destined for heart break. I'm always afraid I'll reap what I sow, and I'm not sure where you would have that impression.

Being single at your (our) age doesn't mean anything like that. The guy you talk of sounds like he's not good enough for you at the worst, and not a match for you at best. I'd imagine you want honesty and trust in a relationship, and it certainly sounds like the guys you've dated haven't provided that.

The right guy will treat you wonderfully and there won't be any "what ifs." None of us are perfect, but it's about finding the right match and "a bit messed up" and "emotionally unstable" and being concerned about how he'll treat you tell me he's not the one for you.

Just my two cents - don't take it as anything other than a random stranger's opinion.

After having been single for a while I actually wrote out a list of the criteria I was looking for in my perfect mate, and it included things as silly as "will laugh with me and watch muppets re-runs with me" and as important as "doesn't believe in corporal punishment." A big part of finding a partner is knowing what you're looking for in one and learning to give voice and acting on the things that don't seem just right. It's always better to be alone, than stuck in a miserable relationship wishing you were.

And, as my favourite Rod Stewart song goes, I wish you love.

Betsy Mae said...

I'm not sure anyone could say it as well as "anonymous" above just did.
Love yourself enough to be loved the way you deserve. Love yourself and the rest will always fall into place.

flutter said...

baby, breathe.

You deserve for someone to love you, but honey you have to love you. It is more important for you to be ok if no relationship ever works out. No one can tell you if the is "the one" he may be, he may not be. But either way , YOU ARE OK. You have such a sweet heart, I can just tell it in your words.

All the statistics of who cheats and doesn't and percentages thereof are total crap. Love has no guarantee, just protect yourself sexually and don't get pregnant just for the sake of keeping him.

Anonymous said...

My two cents: First off, consider going into therapy. I had your attitude at one time, that I didn't deserve to be truly loved. And now I am incredibly loved, have been married for more than five years, and have two lovely girls. But without therapy, I wouldn't have been here. A good therapist will help you destroy the pattern you are in and make a new pattern for yourself.

secondly, Heather had some wisdom in her comment. I did the same thing before I met my husband. Make a list of criteria that you would like to have in a mate. And don't settle for anything else. It can be as serious as, "Must be the same religion as me" (for example) to as silly as you need it to be.

Don't give up on yourself or on love. You deserve it, but you have to believe you deserve it.

good luck

Anonymous said...

Uh, why do 80% of men cheat?

Because 80% of women put up with that shit. Men will do what you allow them to do. If you forgive them for cheating on you, what is the incentive to be faithful.

Same goes for abuse. There are women beaters out there. But there wouldn't be if there were more women out there that do not allow themselves to be victims.

I knew a woman who went out with 5 different guys, they all beat her. What are the odds? I actually dated one of those guys and I can tell you he would have never laid a hand on me. So what is the common denominator? The woman.

Like the adage, fool me once, shame on you...

It is so true.

Anonymous said...

I can't speak to most of it, but I can tell you that the 'picturing them in bed when he doesn't answer the phone' occurrances are a type of post traumatic stress disorder -- where you can't stop yourself from re-living a trauma. For a long time I would have those feelings and think it was intuition, or that I was just really screwed up, so it was comforting to realize that it was my brain trying to process past something that hurt me.

I wrote out the criteria list, as well. It was a strange feeling to realize that (whatever) was a quality I would like in a mate, and to realize that for once, I thought I deserved to have a date who had qualities other than just 'willing to be with me'.

The other thing that can only be helpful is to work on being as happy as possible, today, just as you are. It sounds dumb, but find activities you enjoy and do them. Try something new. Find things that fulfill and excite you and get engaged in this life you're having. You deserve to be happy and enjoying your life, whether or not there's a romantic interest on the horizon. (Of course, I should disclaim that *I* would've had a very hard time taking this advice . . . ;o)

FunnyGal KAT said...

There is a lot of great advice in these comments and I'll just add to it. First, I don't believe when anyone says sex "just happened." I can understand how it could be hard to trust someone who lets something like that "just happen."
My only advice, similar to making a list of what you want in a mate, is to take a second look at men who you don't initially find attractive. I never would have imagined I'd end up with the man who is my fiance, because he wasn't the "type" of guy I normally dated... but I took the time to get to know him and found he had everything I'd been looking for in a partner, even if he didn't match my list of "requirements" exactly.
I agree with the person who said they could tell you have a sweet heart. Your honest words show what a good person you are-- and you deserve someone equally kind. Good luck.

Mama Sarita said...

I am sorry you are hurting. Lots of wise words here though. You do deserve love. You need to be okay with you. Do yourself the favor and work on you for a bit. Go to therapy, do things you really enjoy, spend your time finding the joys in life. When you feel confident and okay in your own skin you will meet the right person for you...and you will know it too.

the pain in your post makes my heart hurt for you.

Anonymous said...

I think the sad fact is that 75 percent of ALL people (regardless of gender) cheat. It's not just a male phenomenon.

I also think that your first sentence is so telling:

"I am 28 years old and I have never had a loving relationship in my life."

You should think about what this implies: That your relations with your parents, siblings, grandparents and other friends are devoid of genuine affection and love.

As others have said, you need to take care of yourself first before you can care for others. I hope you try therapy.

Anonymous said...

hi. you do deserve better than him.we are all worthy of love trust honesty decency kindness.and it sounds like this man isn't providing any of that.we also get what we give,i mean that once you decide you deserve better you will find better.best of luck to you LAVENDULA

Anonymous said...

You sound very scared and alone, and really, you don't have to be! It sounds as if you have many wonderful qualities. Perhaps you should not worry for now about finding "Mr. Right".

What are your other interests, the things YOU enjoy doing? By going out and having fun, you will find you get cheered up, and you become even more beautful and desirable.

Then when the right guy comes along, you'll be ready!

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Wow! Thank you all so much for the support.

You are right. I need to start therapy, especially that a pattern has been repeated here!

I also need to focus on what makes me happy other than being with someone else.

I need to work on loving myself and believing that I deserve the best.

Andi said...

When I was in my early 20s I became engaged to a man who was sooooo wrong for me. My parents, my friends, everyone who met him thought that I was making the worst mistake possible but I was so sure that being with anyone was better than being alone. (I had chosen a truck driver as my potential mate because I believed that the fact that his job would keep him away from home much of the time would minimize the difficulties caused by some of our fundamental differences.) Then I had a pregnancy scare while my "fiance" was on the road and realized how similar, in all the worst ways, my situation was to being alone.

As an old woman, I realize that being alone is so much better than being **WITH** someone who isn't right for you.(I'm 38 now -- how did that ever seem so distant and so hopelessly out of touch with reality?)

Anonymous said...

I agree with what a lot of the previous commenters have said here, and they’ve probably stated much of what I’m going to say more eloquently and in a much more condensed way. Like Heather, I don’t want this to sound like I’m being mean in any way, because I don’t mean it like that. Obviously, feel free to disregard anything that’s written here, what with the whole random online stranger thing and all...

I think that, first of all, you need to determine whether or not you have ‘warning bells’ going off in your head because you’re unnecessarily insecure, or if your boyfriend is giving you real reasons to hear warning bells. As was said above, it might be possible that part of the way you’re feeling has to do with post-traumatic stress - but keep in mind that even if that is part of it, it does not necessarily mean that ALL your fears and worries are unwarranted.

My thought when I read your first line was that maybe the fact that your priorities were mostly focused around work and school in the past had something to do with the fact that you’d never been in a loving relationship, and not the other way around. As was said in another comment, "You should think about what this implies: That your relations with your parents, siblings, grandparents and other friends are devoid of genuine affection and love."

If that is an accurate description of your past relationships, I’d like to say I am very, very sorry. That can be a very hard thing to deal with. You also say that you expect to be cheated on in the future, are afraid of what could happen in pregnancy/motherhood because of the chance that things could go wrong with the potential father, and that you feel you don’t deserve commitment and love. I know you *know* that’s not true and that it’s been repeated in the comments here multiple times, but I also know that sometimes things like that don’t like to sink in, so I’ll say it again: You are worthwhile, valuable, and worthy of love. You deserve a man who is committed to you and will not break your heart, cheat on you, or reject you because of your weight, or any other trivial reason. You also deserve to see that these things are true, and to know that even if the ‘man for you’ does not come along any time soon, that you deserve to be absolutely sure that you can and will be far more happy ‘on your own’ than you would be in a relationship with someone who is not right for you.

Next, you obviously need to decide (if you haven’t already – I know some time has gone by, and hopefully you’re still reading comments here) whether or not this is someone you want to be in a long-term relationship with, and whether or not he is good for you – and only you can decide this (it also ties in with what I said above about warning bells).

In your post you wrote that, “He said he didn’t think I would be so upset because I am a strong woman and I can have any man I want.” That sounds manipulative to me. I wasn’t there to hear it, and have no idea what he might have meant in saying it, but it might be worth you thinking about and possibly even discussing it with him (the same goes for other things he’s said/done).

If you’re thinking the relationship might be salvageable and that you want to continue in it (and really, this applies to any relationship in general), you definitely need to **honestly** share with him your fears about being cheated on (like other people have said here, I think therapy for you – and for him, though that is an entirely different matter – would be a good idea, as well), and also find out for sure whether your fears **honestly** have a base or not. If he reacts defensively or you find yourself afraid to discuss it with him, it probably means that
a) He is not a guy you need to be in a relationship with right now, or
b) You have some work to do and you’re not ready for this kind of relationship at this time

Even if things don’t work out with you and him, it might be worth for you to consider sharing your concerns about problems this guy might be having in regards to depression/molestation. It sounds like he could use some help. as well. (That does not, however, mean that you should feel that you owe him – or anyone – your friendship, concern, etc.)

Last of all (finally! I am so sorry this has gotten SO long), it is so, so good that you recognize this:

"You are right. I need to start therapy, especially that a pattern has been repeated here!

I also need to focus on what makes me happy other than being with someone else.

I need to work on loving myself and believing that I deserve the best."

I know you said you were feeling confused and scared, but I believe based on the comment above (and from some things sprinkled throughout your post!) that you will be okay, that despite your mixed feelings and whatever issues may be going on for you right now, that you have more strength than you seem to think you do. And I believe that if you know that, it will help you get through whatever decisions and hard choices you need to make. Keep reminding yourself that you *are* valuable and that you *do* deserve to be treated like it, and of all the other things that are good and true about yourself. Do that, I believe that you will be just fine.

I wish you the best of luck!


Karen said...

I SO could have written this. I too have never had a romantic relationship in my 28 years and the dating fairy keeps dropping the same losers on me that you seem to be getting. The only thing to pass the time in between all the losers until we (hopefully!) find the good one is to keep busy, I do't have many friends where I live now, so I volunteer, blog, play with my cameras and take photos, travel...I try to keep my focus away from men and love and more on me. It's hard and there are weeks (months!) where I fail and indulge the feelings of lonliness and sadness, and that's ok as long as you keep that sliver of hope that you are gonna come out ok on the other side.


Anonymous said...

Thank you all for the wise words and support.

I needed to hear those positive thoughts.

Damselfly said...

Oh, yes you do deserve love and commitment! And he doesn't sound like the guy to give it to you. Please keep looking. 28 is still young.

Anonymous said...

Who says 80% or 75% of men quit? Nice inflammatory comments there, people.
OP, Don't settle for him or any man. You deserve better.