Friday, June 29, 2007

Not Always Feelin' The Love

Posted by Anonymous


Is it just me that hates their children some days? I have a 3 year old and I'm VERY recently pregnant with my 2nd child. Some days I wonder why I'm going to torture myself by having another child - how disgusting is that? My sister has been struggling for years to get pregnant and here I am complaining about the one thing she dreams of.

I LOVE my daughter, she's the light of my life, but as everyone knows, in this day and age of monster home prices and cost of living, it's just complicates everything to try to find a decent job that allows me to drop her off and pick her up at preschool.......especially since my parents are so young and are still working full time, so I can't lean on them for babysitting during the day, and a lot of the time for what a babysitter costs, I would just be turning my paycheck over to babysitter. So, all of that adds up to a crappy part time job, which causes money issues which causes tension and stress between my husband and I, who I love and miss so much- because most of the time we're barely talking because we can't handle the stress of it all.

And why is it that it's so hard to find a job that will allow you to work from home so that you can juggle work and your children's activites? I just need to drop her off and then pick her up 3 times a week - that adds up to a half hour a day. I've had a MILLION headhunters laugh at me when I mention working from home. I swear to god, I'm not kidding.

I must sound like a horrible person. There are single mothers out there that handle all this on their own, so what right do I have to complain? But I do - and I can't get through the day without screaming in anger because of the stress.

What's wrong with me? Is it just me? Am I terrible? Will my daughter, and the next baby just end up hating me because I don't know how to get any joy out of the day because I'm constantly worrying about EVERYTHING?

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wish there were a way to give you the name of the company I work for. I don't sell anything. I actually have a job, a computer they gave me and a fax machine. I meet with my boss every other month for two hours. Other than that I make my own schedule. It's a full-time position. Doesn't pay a ton, but when you take the costs of daycare and add to it the salary is about right. Hmm.

HMBT said...

I work from home and have two at home...I never, ever leave work. I may go to the store in between the Mom job and the day job...but that is still in service to the mom job. I know it's hard what you are going through...I have empathy for that. I feel like that almost every day too...hating my kids and their needy-needs that never seem to stop (of course I really love them it's just moments)...but working from home isn't the sweet deal always either. I make good money so it does help...but I have to do it and run the home and raise the kids all at the same time some days...and I am an artists trying to keep my career afloat too...I know what you mean.
I think part of what helps me on a day to day is the simple idea that it's never going to be easy...therefore after I accept that...it's not so hard to try to squeeze more joy into my life. I just have to work really, really hard before I get that first drop somedays. I wish you all the best in your struggle to find harmony.

Mallory said...

When my kids were little, I did daycare at home to stay home with them. Surprisingly, I got about $50 grand a year doing that. Plus there are definite tax advantages to having a business in your home (I got to write off things like t.p., electicity, heat, cable tv, my computer, new toys for the kids, etc). If you love kids you might look into it.

ewe are here said...

You're not terrible -- we all have those moments where we don't like our children very much, even though we love them more than words can describe. Even people who have struggled to have children feel this way sometimes. Beause kids can be loud, whiny, demanding and impatient to the point of insanity for the parent they're driving to distraction.

With that being said, maybe you should call it quits on your out-of-the home job and either not work at all for a few years (it doesn't sound like it's worth it in your case), or consider the daycare option someone proposed above to bring in some extra cash. That way you'd get to play with yours, too.

And, not to be rude, but the reasons headhunters are laughing, btw, is if your goal is to work for someone else from your home solely so you can look after your children and save money on daycare, employers figure (and rightfully so in most cases) that their work will come second to your kids while they're in the house without another adult around to watch them. And why should they pay you for less than your full attention to your job? The people I know who successfully work from home with very young children only manage to do so by employing a babysitter while they're there working for a large chunk of the time...or send them off to a program elsewhere.

Laural Dawn said...

I have absolutely no advice. But, I totally understand where you are coming from. I love every inch of my son but there are days I want to scream because it's so infuriating.
I work full time - and am so grateful to his daycare teachers. Because I pick him up and he's happy and they don't scream at him, and sometimes I wonder how they do it!!!
You do what you have to and getting through the day is sometimes an accomplishment in itself.

pkzcass said...

First, you're not a terrible mother. I say, almost on a daily basis, "I hate children." And I have two boys. I love them, but I hate the way they act sometimes. It's only natural.

But it sounds like there's more going on than your being frustrated with your daughter. The way I read it, you and your husband need to have a discussion and then make a few choices about money. You need to decide if you want to work outside the home full time and pay for daycare, or if you want to remain in the status quo till your baby is born, or if you want to quit all together. Do you need to cut expenses in your lives to ease the financial burden? For example, do you have a $100/month cable TV bill that can be eliminated? Can you downgrade your cell phone plan? I'm sorry to get on my soapbox, but I can't tell you how many people I know who b*tch about money while they've got a flat screen TV, digital cable, the most expensive cell plan out there, and all of the latest gadgets, etc. I'm not saying you have any of these, but if you do, maybe you could think about eliminating some unnecessary expenses.

Also, there's a misconception about daycare out there among people who've never had their child in daycare, or never looked into it. I know of so many women with great jobs who use the cost of daycare as an excuse to quit working. But unless they're making minimum wage, the can afford the daycare. Yes, it's a substantial chunk out of your salary and will likely reduce by at least half, but it's temporary, whereas the loss of work skills and contribution to retirement savings are much more permanent if you leave the workforce for an extended period of time.

Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now. I hope that you and your husband are able to come to some agreement about the money situation. I think that when you can resolve that, your stress will dissolve and you won't take it out on your daughter as much.

Good luck.