Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Don't Want To Lose Him

Posted by ffbgirl of My Life.

I am afraid I am losing my husband and I am 2 months pregnant. We have been "fussing" for the last few months, but I attributed it to his highly stressfiul job. Then, all of a sudden, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, he drunkenly confesses that he thinks about killing himself and that he has been unhappy for three months and he thinks it is because of me.

That was bad, it gets worse.

I tried to be more supportive. I tried not to make him walk on eggshells around me (which he claimed he has done as long we have been together). I tried to do more around the house, I tried not to bug him at work. I tried to support him. I also didn't go out with him on a couple of occasions.

My husband rides a motorcycle, so when he goes out for a drink, I ask that he text me when he leaves the bar so I know he is OK driving home. On one of his out occasions without me, he texted me that he was coming home. Over 45 minutes later, he still wasn't home. I drove around looking for him. I called some friends who had been out with him and it turns out he had followed home his best friend, Nikki. Nikki and I used to be friends, but I ended that relationship a few months ago because I thought it wasn't healthy for me or my family. My husband refused to end his friendship with her, saying they work together (true) and that he shouldn't have to get rid of her. But, this particular night, he hadn't mentioned that he was following her home (she also rides a bike and lives in a shady neighborhood so this isn't unusual) and it was taking WAY TOO LONG. When I found him heading from the direction of her house, I met him back at the house. He got IRATE that I questioned his whereabouts. He said he hadn't even gone all the way to her house, but he couldn't explain why it had taken so long. This argument evolved into another tirade of him saying he is so unhappy.

The next day I discover he has called Nikki several times while he was out of our house and I ask him about it and he denies the phone calls. I tell him the cell phone company must have an error and we need to address that.

So then two nights later, he works until 1 a.m. Once home, he left to go to another manager's house (who happens to live one building over from Nikki) house. Interesting thing here was that he took the car, not the bike, so I couldn't go check on him. He stayed out til 5 a.m. When I called and texted he would leave the room and only talked to me alone. I never heard the other manager. He wouldn't let me talk to the other manager on the phone.

When he finally got home at 5 a.m., he tells me he's done. He is tired of me not trusting him and this that and the other. He goes on and on about he is unhappy and how he feels like I don't care and how if I would put as much energy toward our marraige as I do toward questioning Nikki that we would be better. He complains about how I didn't know he was so unhappy (HE NEVER TOLD ME). He says he can't be with a person who doesn't trust him.

I try to express that I want to fix our problems and that I want to contribute to his happiness. I ask for a hug and he refuses. When that happens, I lose my mind. So, at about 4:30 central time (I live in Eastern time), I call my folks and wake them up and spill my guts that they need to come be with me and give me a hug. That is all I want. I was sad and lonely and scared. Here I am pregnant and my husband has just told me he is done (though he won't expand on what that means).

I go to work that day and have a full day. By the evening, my dad has arrived from out of town. As I am packing up a few things to spend the night in the hotel with my dad, G asks me what I am doing. I had not mentioned to him that I had asked my folks to come to town. When I said that I was getting my stuff together to go to dinner and the Econolodge with my dad, my husband looked hurt and sad.

He said, "You told your parents?"

I said, "I had to, I needed a hug."

That was about the end of that conversation. He and I texted and talked on the phone over the next three days while I was finishing my work week. During that week, I asked him NOT to hang out with Nikki. He protested, but as far as I can tell, he complied.

Before I left, I asked G if he would sit down and talk with me so we could set some goals for our time apart. He said he didn't think that was a good idea. I asked him if he saw these two weeks as a little time out after which I will return home and we will evaluate our situation. He said that was how he saw it. I don't like that idea at all, but if he won't talk to me, I can't make him.

Then on Friday, I flew home with my dad. While I have been here, I have been looking at our cell phone records to see when and to whom my husband is talking and texting. I find out he has had two late-night almost hour long phone conversations with Nikki. These conversations have happened after he had told me goodnight.

So, yesterday,

I say, "Did you talk on the phone last night?"
G: "No..."
me: "So what about Friday night?"
G: "No..."
me: "Hmmm, so you didn't talk to Nikki on the phone for 45 minutes Friday night"
G: "I said NO! This is f-ing B.S. I am so not getting into this right now..."
me: "Well, then we need to call the cell phone company because they are showing a 45 minute phone call between you two at about midnight Friday night."
G: "Well I don't know, but I have to go..."

We text back and fourth a bit and he eventually calls me back. He admits that he had in fact had that conversation with her.

So, now I am IRATE. I have finally caught him in a lie. I have had my suspicions about his relationship with her, but he has said time and again that NOTHING is going on there. I really don't think anything physical is going on, and I just can't make him understand that having an emotional relationship with her is still cheating... I am not crazy.

So, we talk back and fourth and I finally lay it out for him. That he has to pick her or me. That I cannot remain married to him if he cannot end his friendship with her. He says he has to think about that.

WHAT?!?! You have to think about that. Oh now I am overwhelmed. So we end that conversation. I send him a text message that basically says this is bull shit and he needs to be a man and face his responsibilities and that he is married to me and that our marriage deserves a chance.

Later that day he texts letting me know he is leaving work and again that he is home. We talked on the phone a few times that evening and it went well. We talked again this morning. It went OK. I mentioned that I would like to schedule a time to have a conversation about our marriage. He again is hesitant. I ask again if he has talked to her. He says he hasn't because he asked her not to call or text him. I believe him because I saw the cell phone records and there were no calls between them.

Over the course of our last conversation today, he keeps saying he just wants to be left alone. He complains that that is the only thing he wants and I can't give him that. So, I give in. I told him that I would give hime two days, but that was it. I told him to call me in two days and have something to say. That he needs to know whether he wants our marriage to work in two days or "I am getting my affairs in order."

It is killing me. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him. I want him to want to talk to me. I don't want to doubt his every action and word. I really don't think he has physically cheated on me, but he makes that harder and harder to believe.

Our child deserves to have two loving parents together. Our child deserves a childhood like the one I had. I am so sad for my child. I don't want my child to look at me someday and ask why Daddy left us... That breaks my heart.

I am also scared out of my mind. I don't want to be a single mother. I am afraid beyond belief of how hard that will be. I am not an alone person. At all. I know that about myself. I am freaking out here. I can't really sleep at night and I am just sick over this. I know I need to not stress because it is bad for the baby, but I am failing at that.

This is so scary. Please think positive thoughts for me. If you pray, please pray that my husband will realize that he loves me and wants to be with only me. Please pray that I will learn how to better carry my weight in this marriage. Please pray that we will learn to face our fears together. Please pray that my husband will learn that he has to make a consciouss choice every day to be happy. Please pray that I will not wind up a single mother. Oh dear God, please just pray that this works out. And if you don't pray, just think positive about all these things.


Anonymous said...

I would like to leave you a long, involved comment but I'm not interested in justifying my choices as a single mother to anybody other than you who needs the support.
I know it's not easy, I'm right in the middle of where you are and I understand.
you can reach me at wardellchambers at gmail dot com

Anonymous said...

He's cheating on you. I hate to put it like that, but it's pretty clear that he is. You need to realize that he's lying about everything to you and he's doing everything in his power to get you to think you're the one in the wrong. My parents never should have married, and I regularly asked my mother to leave my father from the time I was six years old until I finally gave up at age 15. Raising a child in an unhealthy relationship is much worse than raising a child alone. Being with someone who doesn't love you is worse than being alone? You need to get some perspective and some help (from a professional therapist), for your child's sake.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your troubles. I'm wishing good things and a total turn around for your family.

Anonymous said...

it's wonderful your father could come help you out when you needed it. it sounds like you have caring, supportive people in your life, so you are NOT alone and won't be, with or without your husband.

do you want to be with your husband because he's a good husband and seems like he'll be a good father? or do you want to be with him because of the husband and father you wish he would be? from what you've written it sounds like being with him is lonelier than being without him will be. without him you have the chance to find a partner who could be a better match for you.

then again, there may be wonderful qualities to your husband that you haven't mentioned. certainly there is some reason why you've stated that you don't want to lose him. if that reason is simply that it's scary to think of being a single mother then it wouldn't be worth it to stay. if the reason (reasons?) are due to other positive qualities not mentioned, and you think that perhaps his current state could be helped with therapy for both of you, try therapy.

the fact that he's essentially "siding" with an ex-friend of yours over you, and being dishonest about it.... that is not your fault. and you have tried several times to work it out with him. for your child's sake you have to find a situation that is healthy for you and supportive of you, not just one that has a husband and a wife - you need to be functioning decently together if it's really to be a benefit to your child. having a father who's drunk driving his motorcycle around town and undermining you isn't better for a baby than having one, devoted loving parent.

good luck - i hope you get what supports you and your baby best in the long run, even if it isn't what feels best in the short term.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with the above comment.
He is cheating on you.
Spending all night with her and taking your car so you can't check up on him.

I know you don't want it to be true. But there are other phones he is probably talking to her on. Just like the car..he can change behavior to prevent getting caught red handed easier than I think he could let go of her.

If he wants to stay both need counseling separate and together or i don't see what hope you have.

Anonymous said...

one word.....


Kate said...

He's at least being dishonest... I can't say whether he's being more than that. But assuming that he knows about the pregnancy, this might actually all be related - a bit of a freakout, facing a whole new slice of reality that can be scary and unknown and overwhelming. That doesn't make it okay - his behavior is not okay - but it may provide a starting point for a discussion, or at least some perspective.

I wish you all the luck in the world... I've been through horrible spots with my husband and gotten through them, but they were all before we got married, before we had kids. It doesn't exactly get easier to navigate this stuff, the longer you've been together.

Anonymous said...

I will pray for you. I will pray that you get out of this terrible relationship and that you learn just how strong you truly are. I pray that you feel an amazing sense of self worth once you realize that you can make it on your own. May you be blessed on this journey to find your true self.

Anonymous said...

He's probably cheating. And if he hasn't actually done the deed yet, he's certainly thought about it. Taking the car, staying out half the night - that's crap. YOU'RE MARRIED. He regularly goes out drinking without you and gets pissed when you question why he's at another woman's house (or thereabouts) at 3 in the morning? And you, his pregnant wife, are sitting at home? Is he nuts? How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot - if you were out drinking with some guy all hours of the night, and he was at home without a vehicle?

You need marriage counseling, and you need him to ditch the "best friend," even if it means he needs to change jobs. If he can't commit to that, I think it's over. If he thinks he's so innocent and you're so crazy to be concerned about what he's doing, then why the need to be secretive and lie? I really think once you're married, it inevitably changes the nature of your relationships with people of the other sex. You just can't hang out alone, late at night, etc. with friends of the other sex. It's not fair to you, your spouse, or your marriage. Even if it starts out totally innocently, it sets up a potentially tempting, disastrous situation. Your husband needs to get that. His marriage needs to be his number one relationship priority.

It sounds like you have great, supportive parents. If it comes down to it, you could move closer to them. Being a single parent is scary, but you'll do it if it comes to that. There are lots of single moms who are wonderful parents raising happy, healthy kids. You can do it.

If the cell phone records suddenly become "clean," I wouldn't put it past him to have gotten another phone you don't know about.

Rebecca said...

I have a couple of thoughts… the first being that it doesn’t sound as if you’re the one who’s not carrying his weight in that marriage. The second being who does that kind of thing to his wife, let alone his pregnant wife??

Do you love him to the point of not being able to see yourself living your life without him? Or is it just that you don’t want to be a single mother? Because to tell you the truth, being a single mother is tough. But there are harder things… like raising a happy, well adjusted child in a bad marriage.

Please take this time to think about what’s best for YOU and YOUR BABY… not him. He’s clearly not thinking about anyone but himself and that’s not okay in this situation. It sounds as if he has an awful lot of growing up to do and unfortunately, you need to decide if you want to raise one baby or 2.

I’m so sorry you’re going thru this. Many prayers and hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

I agree with many of the above comments about your needing to make a decision. It sounds as if he's trying to put this all on you, which is only to ease his guilty conscience. Is it possible for you to move closer to your parents? You need to do what's best for the baby and yourself right now.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

You didn't say how old you are, but based on your actions, you sound very young to me. I say this because I went through pretty much the exact same situation when I was 24 and handled it almost exactly the same way....which was very badly.

My advice to you: get professional therapy for yourself and invite your spouse to come along. If he doesn't, he isn't interested in doing anything to save your marriage. If he's not interested in that and his unborn child, then you shouldn't be interested in him. He obviously doesn't care enough about you or his child to make the tough choices, act like an adult and face up to his responsibilities.

What you choose to do with your pregnancy is a very, very personal decision. Do what's best for you and the baby.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

i would say that actions speak louder than words. and by that i mean, actions speak louder than talking about the relationship. so judge him by his actions regarding meeting the demands you set on him and not on whether he wants to have a conversation about the marriage.

Anonymous said...

He's trying to make you the bad guy, refusing to take any responsibility for his own actions -- which sound highly suspect.

My thoughts? He's cheating. Feels guilty. So he justifies it by blaming you for his bad decisions.

You did not "force" him to get involved with another woman. So quit kicking yourself. He's turning a defense into an offense. Don't fall for it.

It doesn't matter whether he's slept with her or not. He clearly is emotionally involved and his reluctance to distance himself from her shows his utter disrespect for you.

It sounds like you have a strong support system in your parents. Use it. Don't base any decisions on fear of being alone. Because frankly, it sounds to me like you're already on your own anyway.

Think of yourself. What will give you peace of mind? You're about to become a mother, which is difficult enough without wondering where your husband is all night.

I agree that you sound quite young. Is there any way you could stay with family or friends until you've worked out a long-term plan? I think a new environment might give you a fresh perspective.

Good luck. And please, quit blaming yourself. He sounds like an immature man who isn't ready for marriage or fatherhood.

Major Bedhead said...

I can't really add much to what's been said here - I agree with almost all of it. I will also second the therapy comment. If he won't go, then it's done.

Being a single parent is hard work, but it can be done. You may have to make an extra effort to make friends and have a life that doesn't revolve around your child, but almost every new mother has to do that. Don't stay with someone who has no respect for your or his impending child just to avoid being alone. Being alone is not a walk in the park, but it's a darned sight better than being with someone and miserable beyond belief.

Anonymous said...

get a lawyer!

anyone who mistreats a pregnant woman should go to jail!

Do you love your baby? If you really love your baby, you should keep the baby, but this man cannot be a good father.

Get a lawyer, make sure you can get enough child support. Your parents will be there for you to raise the child. Don't worry.

Please get a lawyer as soon as you can and nail him to the wall for being so inconsiderate and stupid!

Kathy said...

At one time, I was a young, pregnant-for-the-first-time wife who stayed at home while my (now ex) husband went out and partied with his girl "griend".

Yes, he was cheating on me.

I'm glad I left him. I just wish I had done it sooner.

ewe are here said...

Even if he isn't cheating on you, (and it sounds like he is or will be soon), he's clearly looking for a way out of the marriage. Except it appears he's too much of a coward to just say so. His actions appear to be designed to get you to end the marriage --lying, being evasive, cheating?, refusing to talk about it, staying away from the house as much as possible, telling you it's your problem when you try to talk about what he's doing, etc.-- that way he can 'blame' you for the marriage ending, even though it appears to be what he wants.

Please get some counseling and get a lawyer. You can't make him stay; but you can ensure that you (and your child) get what you are entitled to under the law.

Also, you are in the early stages of pregnancy. You do have options: you can terminate the pregnancy if you're not ready to be a single parent; you can plan to put the baby up for adoption; or you can start planning now to be a single mother.

Better a happy single-parent household than a miserable two-parent household.

Dana Whitaker said...

Take care of yourself, and your baby. It is not your fault if he makes a decision to cheat or to lie to you. To claim that he is unhappy enough to take his own life, and to say that it is your fault he is that unhappy, is flat out wrong. If he is telling you the truth about his depression, he needs help. If he is trying to manipulate you by saying he is that depressed, he is cruel. And you don't have any control over either of those options. You can only control your own behavior and your own life- you seem to have clearly stated that you need for him to discontinue his relationship with Nikki (whether that relationship is just a friendly one or something more) and now he has to make the decision as to where to go from there.

I hope you can find your way through this. Take care of yourself, and lean on the people who have shown you that they are good for you (such as your dad) because they will be your saving grace.

The City Gal said...

I just wanted to add something to all the above.

The title of this post is "Don't Want to Lose Him".

Honey, you didn't lose him. He has lost you and potentially his baby.

I know you are in a tough place, you are very much depressed to lose the love of you life and worried sick about your baby.

I hope you realize that nothing here is your fault.

Take other women's advice and think of yourself and the baby by going to a lawyer ASAP.

Anonymous said...

I can tell you are upset. But I have to be seem a bit uptight and intense. In order to understand why this is happening you need to look not only at what he is/isn't contributing to the relationship but what you are/aren't as well. I'm certainly not blaming you and I think his actions are irresponsible and most definitely insensitive.

You're having a baby with him. Was this planned? It could be the shock of it has caused him to look for an escape from the impending reality. Not real mature I grant you but I agree with the above commenter that your post comes across as being written by someone very young.

I think you need to look very honestly at your situation. What is it exactly you are desperate to hold on to? The security of a relationship or the relationship itself. A bad ex-husband beats a bad husband hands down any day!

Good luck to you and I hope you can find it in yourself to do what's right for you and your baby. Get some counseling. It will help you make a wiser decision. :)

Anonymous said...

I have been in a similar situation and my advice would be to PICK YOU! Do not doubt yourself!! If the choice comes between what he says and what you THINK...PICK YOU! Even if you are scared to be raise a see how strong you can be, or to deal with his crap...PICK YOU!!

He is a liar. He is trying to deflect some of his shit onto you, so that he doesn't look as bad. But YOU know better! TRUST IN YOURSELF!! Mama's can be amazing people!!

Anonymous said...

Whether you leave him or not, whether you start over or both get counseling and make the relationship work...the reality is that he IS cheating on you, and he needs to take responsibility for that.

It doesn't take flesh against flesh to cheat. My ex-husband's best friend was male. There was no sex, they were both heterosexual. But he told his best friend his thoughts and dreams...stayed out until all hours of the night drinking and partying with this friend...called this friend with good or bad news before telling me...and could pull out of a funk to be cheerful when this friend called.

With me, he was closemouthed, hid things, lied about where he was going and when he'd be home, and couldn't be bothered to be pleasant to me when he was in a bad mood.

I was not jealous of my husband screwing another woman, I was jealous that someone else was getting the EMOTIONAL intimacy that I felt should be mine.

Your husband is denying you that emotional intimacy. It's not about sex, it's about intimacy. He's being intimate with this woman, he's hiding things, and he's LYING.

Either he admits what he's done wrong and takes responsibility for his own actions, he gets individual and couples' counseling and you work it out, or you move on without him. Either way, he doesn't get to make this about "I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me" or "We're DONE because you have driven me to lying/calling her/spending time with her/whatever by your mistrust" or "I work with her, and she's my best friend, so you have to deal with me going out at night to her house for hours and hours." If you are his wife, and he loves you, why can't he talk about whatever these issues are with YOU (or with a counselor if necessary)? He's giving her the emotional intimacy that he's withholding from you...and that's wrong.

You're worth better.

(I'd go into it, but I'm afraid I'd get flamed for saying anything about a father-to-be indulging in such stupid, risky and self-indulgent behavior as riding a donorcycle around town, at night, especially after drinking!)

Best wishes to you and your baby, whatever you decide.

Anonymous said...

Where is the trust? Even if you could get him back, how long would it be? Would you want him back given his history?

Sometimes it's better to end it when the alternative doesn't seem too promising. Would you be happy being together given his behaviour and that you no longer trust him? What sort of life is that? Would you not be better off on your own raising your child with love rather than in a home where acrimony is ready to bubble out at any moment? Think of the air of constant anxiety. Is that the environment you want to raise your child in --- just so you won't be a single mother?

Anonymous said...

I have been on his side. He doesn't want this to work. I'm sorry hun.

You know exactly in your gut that this isn't working right now. It might in the future once he grows up and stop seeing Nikki and gets his priorities in order. It takes time if it is going to happen. But I assure you that it can, if he wants it to.

I'm thinking of you. Take Care of you. Dont be scared. It's amazing that your parents will come to hug you. There is hope. I promise.

aMom2E said...

To all of the commenters, thank you so much for all your kind and HONEST words! I am sorry I have waited so long to respond, but I have been peeking in and heeding some of the advice.

Wow, I cannot tell you exactly how it feels to read all this advice and support, but it is a good thing and it is appreciated!

Yes, I am young--26. I am leaving and getting counselling on my own (because he refuses it). I have decided I am not going to catch him cheating (for legal purposes)--if he is doing it, he has gotten better at hiding it. I have also decided to try to just come out of this all for the better.

I am working to believe that I am strong enough to do this. Whether I beleive it or not, I CAN do this. It is scary, but I have a strong support team (in my family) who loves me and my baby, and that will be enough for us.

I am moving home to live with my parents and save up some money for me and the baby. I have started talking with an attorney to deal with child support.

Thank you so much for giving me much-needed support as I treaded through the process of making these decisions!