Help Me To Help Her

Posted by Anonymous.


I am feeling completely helpless with regards to my sister and I just
don't know what to do anymore. When we were growing up, we were very
close. We spent a great deal of time together and had many friends in
common, in spite of our 3.5-year age difference (she is older). but
in her senior year of high school, I began to notice we were drifting
apart.

L. - my sister - worked at a nearby restaurant, and one day she told
me that she was sleeping with her boss. I was shocked, because he was
significantly older and engaged to another woman. L. had chosen to
sleep with him because she thought he would "have a lot to teach
[her]," but there was no real affection between them. They were also
reckless about their affair, often having sexual relations in his
office during work. I had no idea where this had come from, but it
proved to be only the beginning.

Over the following years, while she was in college, she drank often
and began smoking pot. She had a series of casual affairs with other
men, and one serious relationship that was extremely unhealthy for
both parties. After college, L. moved to Las Vegas, which I now
consider to be one of the major steps on the road to her current
situation. In the six years since she moved there, she has never held
a job longer than 10 months. Even though she had a college degree,
none of her jobs was good as a long-term career, and none was a
financially great choice, so she wasn't really accumulating savings.
With every job, she would be happy at first, but inevitably she would
begin to complain and look for greener grass somewhere else.

During this time, she was still making terrible relationship choices
as well. She would sleep with married coworkers, uncaring of both the
professional risk and the emotional havoc she was creating in the
lives of others. She continued drinking and smoking pot, often going
on weekend party trips with friends to "drink and hook up." She had a
string of bad boyfriends culminating in a complete scumbag to whom she
even became engaged. He was a compulsive liar, and in the 3.5 years
they were together, he never got a job. He did, however, have
expensive tastes, and L. paid for all his nice things, including a
brand new Corvette. And to afford all this, she let him talk her into
becoming a stripper, and eventually a prostitute.

For ten months she lived and worked at a brothel three out of every
four weeks. And while she was away, this boyfriend/fiance lived in
her house, spending her money and playing World of Warcraft.
Fortunately, she eventually gave up prostitution - turns out working
at a brothel isn't as lucrative as one might think, especially when
your fiance is draining your bank accounts every month. It wasn't
long before she had to file for bankruptcy, but at least that was a
step towards climbing out of her financial pit o' despair. She got a
job managing at a restaurant, which she seemed to enjoy much more than
waitressing. And a few months ago, she even kicked out her lowlife
fiance. Things seemed like they were looking up.

Unfortunately, it didn't last. Almost immediately, L. started
sleeping with her new co-manager R., a married man with a
four-year-old son. He repeatedly promises to leave his wife, even
though she recently became pregnant again (she ended up miscarrying,
though). The two of them - my sister and R. - also occasionally have
sex with one of the female servers at the restaurant, who in addition
to being their employee is also engaged to someone else. L. still
drinks a lot, not only at social occasions, but at work, too. And
about a month ago, she called me up and nonchalantly asked, "What do
you know about cocaine?" Apparently R. and the female server both do
it, and now L. is considering trying it. I was shocked and
disappointed, but L. keeps trying to claim that it's no big deal, and
that this new "relationship" with R. is much healthier than the last.

Then, just a few days ago, she called and asked to borrow $500. She
said she needed it right away, and when I asked for an explanation,
she told me it was bail money for R. He'd gotten into a fight at a
bar and beaten up some guy. While it hurt me to do so, I had to tell
her no, because I just didn't feel comfortable loaning that kind of
money for R. I don't like having to turn down a favor for someone I
love when I have the means to help, but I just couldn't do it. It
upset me so much that I had to call one of my close friends to ask for
reassurance - had I done the right thing?

L. is only 28, so I keep telling myself there is still time for her to
get her life on track and start making good decisions. I'm really not
one to judge her - and none of this is judgment so much as concern.
I've made my share of bad decisions in my personal life, but I feel
like I've acknowledged my poor choices in a way that she hasn't with
hers, and I'm learning from my mistakes where she's repeating hers.

I'm the little sister here - I'm only 25. But I feel an overwhelming
need to help her. To fix her. To *save* her somehow. I can't
imagine ever giving up on her, but I also am getting to the point
where I don't know what I can do anymore. I just love her so much,
and I hate watching her make one bad decision after another. Is there
anything I can do? What would you do?

Thank you so much for reading, and if you have any thoughts, PLEASE
share them.