Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Imperfect

Posted by Anonymous.

I'm not perfect by any means. I've been a piece of shit since I was born, my parents told me so... I hate being a piece of shit and no matter how hard I try I'm just not good enough. I grew up poor, beaten, verbally abuse by a drug addict father and absent mother. When I graduated high school I looked at my college forms my mother filled out, they made $17,000/yr in 1999. I went to an all black poverty ridden school (I am white) but graduated with honors and paid to start college but quit after 1 1/2 years b/c I couldn't afford to pay for college and it was too hard working 20 hours a week going to school full time. I had no help or support. I moved out of my house at 17 and never returned. My husband and I bought our first house when I was 20 years old and I worked (as an ophthalmic technician) until I had my first son.

I am 26 years old, 123 lbs, 5' 2", stay at home mother of two boys (3 yr old and 1 yr old) and married to a wonderful man. I live a middle class lifestyle in a modest home and should be thrilled but I'm not. I'm not thin enough, I'm not a good enough mother, I'm not a good enough wife or even a decent woman to know. Here's why...

I'm definitely not thin enough! Someone my height should be somewhere around 110lbs. For the last 5 years I've been 150 lbs not pregnant and right before I delivered my last baby I was 194lbs. So in the last year I lost 70 POUNDS but it's not good enough. I should've done better. I'm a compulsive eater and I hate it. I've struggled with it for years and I still do. How did I loose all that weight being a compulsive eater you may wonder? I started compulsively eating healthier things but it doesn't change the fact that I eat when I'm sad, happy, frustrated, angry or any other reason besides hungry. I also breastfed and that helps a lot too. Which brings me to my next problem...

I'm not a good enough mother. I stay home with my boys and I'm supposed to love it. "These are the best years..." is all I ever hear when I tell people I stay home. I resent the mother who says "I could never stay home all day, I'd go nuts" because that's exactly what is happening to me. I'M GOING NUTS! My children are on a strict schedule, they almost never eat sweets, I make my own baby food, I breastfed for the full year (that the aap recommends) for both boys, I've read more than 10 parenting books (that makes me an expert, right?), they watch little t.v., we go for walks, make projects, do art's and crafts, exercise together E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y. That's not good enough, I should do better. A really good mom would do all this with a huge smile across her face, with a sense of humor and more. I never hit my kids, my 3 year old gets time outs but that's not good enough, a really good mom would just lovingly explain that stealing toys isn't the nicest thing you could do, right? I yell, I scream, I have to take time outs myself, a good mother would never need to do that, right? Patience would come in an abundance. I'd have an endless supply of fun everyday for the little ones, right?

My poor husband, we've been together for 9 years and married for almost 5. He's beautiful, I mean the most wonderful man anyone could ever come across and this poor man has to come home to me. He's attractive, intelligent, hard working and, most importantly, a really loving father. He works 8 hours a day, that's it. He's a software developer (programmer) and he's expected to stay longer but he never does, his family comes first. What men do that these days? When he comes home he sees his house in disarray, toys everywhere, a sticky kitchen table, kids screaming and an unkempt wife who is usually miserable. He doesn't deserve this! I make his lunch everyday and dinner. I wash and fold his laundry. Give him BJs once a week (he'd like it more but I HATE HATE HATE doing it, I'd rather chew on glass) and sex 2-3 times a week. But that's not good enough. I usually don't have time to straighten my hair or put on make up but I do try to make sure my hair is neat and dressed nicely. But a good wife would be dressed her best everyday, wearing the pretty diamond earrings her hubby bought her and having her hair straighten with make up on, right? A good wife would put her needs on the back burner and give the BJs when he wants them instead of limiting them to once a week even if she does hate it, right?

What makes me a indecent woman? All of the above and the fact that I have no interests or hobbies or LIFE of my own. I have no real friends and I eat, breathe and live for my children and husband. There are things I'd like to do but they come last or not at all most...I mean all of the time. I feel like an empty shell and my head feels like a jumbled mess that is constantly stirring around. I can't think and I can't even process what the hell is going on. I don't know if this is a quarter life crisis but I know this is 100% my problem. I love my children and husband and wish I could be a better me. I'm sure my childhood has a lot to do with this but I don't know how to shake it.

HELP!

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

There are a good number of us that could have written any or all of this.

You're not perfect? Believe me, none of us are.

Elisabeth said...

I've always felt that I wasn't good enough- not a good enough daughter, not smart enough, not a good enough Christian- my parents and one brother are missionaries- how do you compete with that?

But then I realized that God made me just the way i am, and he knows every flaw and every strength, and loves me just the way i am. And all I have to be is the best me that I can be- I don't have to be what other people expect me to be or what I think they want me to be.

I also learned that you have to take care of yourself- you are just as important as everyone else. If you don't take care of yourself and protect yourself, you don't have anything else left for the people you care about.

I highly recommend a good therapist who will listen and give you advice on building yourself up and learning how valuable you really are. I thank God for my therapist- but I never liked therapy until my doctor told me there was nothing else they could do for my fibromyalgia and depression, that I needed to learn coping techniques and get into a support group and learn to live with my chronic illnesses. I only went because it was my last resort. But I feel like she helped me start my new life, and I've never been happier.
I wish you all the best and will be praying that you learn how valuable you are- you are a wonderful person, and a very giving person. From the sound of it you are a better wife and mother than almost everyone I've ever know. I wish I could do half as much as you have or be half as good.

Anonymous said...

You're not an indecent woman, you're not a bad mother, and you're not a bad wife. You're an understandably depressed woman who needs to find someone to help you deal with your depression and figure out what changes you need to make in your life so you can learn to like yourself and be happy with who you are.

Please ask your doctor or a trusted friend or a helpline for a referral to someone to talk to. I think it would make a world of difference.

Anonymous said...

You ARE a good person, mom, and wife.

You sound overhwelmed and depressed. I'm with the other commenters - find therapist to talk to - you deserve to feel better about yourself.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like that you are striving for perfection but are not reaching it, in your mind.

A few suggestions.

1. Require time for yourself. Go for a daily walk, gym, join a book club, and don't feel guilty about it. (Sounds like you have a hubby who will be supportive of this!)

2. Go see a therapist.

Take that time for yourself to work through all the baggage your parents left you with. You won't feel like you are doing things right until you take that time and heal your wounds.

Good luck, you're in my prayers.

You deserve it!! You really do!

Anonymous said...

It seems like you're setting the bar awfully high for yourself and you're trying to meet unrealistic expectations. Most of your expectations seem to come from the media's interpretation of what is an ideal wife and mother, and that, frankly, is so unreal as to be laughable. I don't know a single woman who meets those ideals. Not one. I know I sure as hell don't.

I don't think this is something you can shake on your own. You need some help from a therapist, someone who is going to help you see that it's ok to be human, it's ok to screw up, it's ok that the kitchen is a mess. Life isn't perfect and you shouldn't have to feel like you need to be either.

I also agree with the person who said to find some time for yourself. I was in all family, all the time mode for quite a while and it nearly drove me around the bend. If you can find some activity you enjoy, a book group, a knitting group, whatever, just once a month to start with, I think you'll be able to get out of your head for an hour or two, too, which will also help.

You deserve to feel like the good person you are. You deserve to appreciate yourself, to feel good about yourself, to stand back, look at your life and say "I'm good at this; I'm a good mum and a good wife and a good human being," and really believe it. It's like that silly L'Oreal commercial - because you're worth it.

flutter said...

See a therapist to get your brain around the fact that no, you aren't perfect...but you are far from a piece of shit.

Don't place unreal expectations on yourself and love yourself as much as you love your kids and your husband. They deserve that, and so do you.

Lara said...

find a therapist and work on your self-esteem. work on practicing self-compassion. i did, and it's been amazingly helpful for me in my life.

you are a wonderful person - great mom, great wife, great woman. you just need help accepting it.

mrinz said...

I agree with the other comments, you need some help to see the pathways that are open to you!

Good luck, I think you sound a great parent and wife.

Anonymous said...

So many of us feel this way. I hate that I'm overweight. I hate that I want to spend time away from my kids. I hate that I can see the "perfect" way to be a mom, wife, person, but I can't be that person.

But it's okay. It's okay. Hang in there.

Avalon said...

My take-----you are trying so hard NOT to be like your parents that you are running yourself on empty. You want to be the perfect everything to everyone.

I think a therapist is a great idea. if you can start to address some of the childhood issues that have brought you to this very lonely place, maybe you can begin to heal what your parents did to you, and then heal yourself.

Anonymous said...

Giving BJs when you HATE HATE HATE it is sort of abusive, isn't it?

Anonymous said...

Thank you all soooo much for your comments. I'd like to give you all (((HUGS))), they are deeply appreciated. I've read over them several times and I cannot tell you how much of a difference it has made to me. I didn't know what I was looking for writing this but what I got was perfect, an awakening. I wrote this when I was feeling like crap, having a bad day and miserable. After I sent it in I was going to ask the author of this site not to publish it but then I thought it couldn't hurt. There has to be someone else out there who feels this way and I do suppress this feeling of loneliness often but it's still there. I really wanted some feedback and I'm glad I sent it in.

Anon 7:42-Thank you for helping me realize that I'm not alone.

Elisabeth-You are right, God did make me this way and I should learn to love myself as he does. Your story was inspirational. I loved your story and it's nice to know that you made it through. A therapist is an excellent idea but as of right now there is no way I can afford it.

Anon 8:53-I think you are right, I probably am depressed. I won't be able to see a therapist any time soon but maybe confiding in a trusted friend is a good idea for now.

Anon 10:04-Thank you.

Anon 10:25-Amazingly enough, I never thought for a second to take time to myself. I mean, really, that never even occurred to me (I'm serious). I chose this life and this is what I deserve, to live it. It seems so simple but really could make a world of difference. This weekend I'm going to a fair with my aunt. My hubby would never agree to go so I'm going sans kids. Thank you. I would've just said no when I got the invitation but after reading your comment I thought you are right. I'm going to do it. Of course when I asked my hubby, yes "asked"...he said "ok" (like why are you asking me?...lol). I was waiting to hear a host of complaints but I got nothing. Thank you.

Anon 11:38-Thank you for your insight. I often feel that this is what I want, to be perfect but as you said, it's not possible. You are right. I guess I do need to take that bar down a notch. I'm trying to figure out what kind of activity I could join. I've really lost myself and I don't even know what interests me anymore. That's pathetic I know. I'm working on it.

Flutter-Thank you. You are right about loving myself as much as I love my kids and hubby. I would never pick out any imperfection in them but I'm so quick to do that to myself.

Lara-Thank you. I'll work on it.

Mrinz-Thank you.

Anon 6:43-Thank you. You are right, maybe we all feel this way a little every now and then.

Avalon-YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD! I never thought I was in
"competition" with my parents until you wrote that. I thought instantly, "I proved them wrong"...HA! Why do I care? If I just bathed my kids I'm a step ahead of them, if I just made them breakfast I'm a step ahead. After reading your comment I think I had a break through. You are absolutely right, I hated my childhood so much that ANY SINGLE reminder of it makes me think I'm doing a shitty job. I cannot thank you enough. Starting yesterday, I KNOW I'm not like them and I don't need to prove it...to them, to myself or to the world. I AM NOT LIKE THEM!!! I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest and a brick has been removed from my stomach. THANK YOU!

Anon 9:42-Repulsive, yes, Abusive, no...lol. I make him work for them. After 8 years of fighting (I'd do them once a month or less but I'd have to hear him begging all month, which is just as bad) we've come to a compromise...he has to surprise me once a week (flowers, bringing home dinner, taking the kids out for an hour and the like) and I have to suffer for 5 minutes or less. Yes I still hate it but he wouldn't normally do all those cute romantic things some men are just born to do.


THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU ALL FOR TAKING THE TIME TO COMMENT MY BLOG. I DEEPLY APPRECIATE IT!!

Andrea said...

Not perfect does not equal piece of shit. Or I'd be pretty stinky.

You are a good mother and a good wife. You love your family. You're doing your best. But mother and wife shouldn't be your only definitions. Like the other commenters have said, time for yourself, to HEAL yourself (with a therapist if you can afford it would be ideal) will help you deal with these inadequate feelings you're having about yourself. Unjustified in my opinion from reading this post.

You love your family, and while your actions may not be perfect, that love is, in all the forms it takes.

I have to give myself time outs, too, if that helps any. I think I'm a good mother. But I have my impatient moments when frustration takes over and I yell or say things I'm not proud of. But sometimes I just have to remember to forgive myself and try harder tomorrow. Parenthood is hard. So you're not a perfect mother. That doesn't mean you're not a good mother, or as neglectful or abusive as your parents were to you.

Take care of yourself, too. You have needs and overlooking them in favor of everyone else will just mean more baggage to deal with later. Hugs to you.

Laural Dawn said...

This made me so sad.
Of course you're not a perfect mother. Who is?
Parenting is hard. I get frustrated with my son and I'm away all day. Kids are frustrating. I need time outs all the time.
I think we could all be better mothers or cherish our time more or be better wives and all of that. But, we're all human and it's really really hard.
Believe me, if you spent a day in my house where I sware getting dishes in the dishwasher is an accomplishment somedays, you would be amazed at yourself.
My advice - turn on the tv for your kids, pull out a good book for yourself, have a cup of coffee and put your feet up. It's so worth it!
And, I bet your husband would just be happy to see you happy.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I am insulted!

You are taller than me and weigh less than me! Still you think you are fat? are you telling other women that they are fat?

I am not mad at you, but mad at your standards!

If you judge anyone by thos fake standards that you just described, all of us should go and commit suicide!

You have sex with your husband 2, 3 times a week and you include BJs? So, anyone who cannot do that is a not good enough woman?

Where did you find these standards that you are judging yourself against?

I agree that this is really bothering you, but please! look around yourself and see if anyone can be judged against your standards!!!

Please judge yourself the way you judge others!

At the end of the day, you are as good as 80% of the population. Are they all bad people? I don't think so! Are they good enough? I believe so!

Misty said...

you really need to stop being so hard on yourself. I'm at the other end of the spectrum...I work full time and so does my husband. I have to get the baby up, feed him, bathe him, dress him, change him at least once most days before daycare, plus get myself ready to go. Then we are out the door, I drop him off and then I'm off to work. After work I pick him up on the way home, then go home and feed everybody, play with the baby, and somehow find a little time for myself in there somewhere. It isn't easy, but I do what I can. There are a lot of times (especially recently) where I felt more than overwhelmed. You aren't alone!!!!

Anonymous said...

i could have written this, almost word for word. even though i so understand, i want to give you a hug and assure you that you're valuable, you're loved and wanted. you are NOT a piece of shit. that is a value, a voice that was implanted in you by the messages of your childhood. raising your own children can really bring up issues for those of us who were abused. for me i am filled with rage and i don't know why. upon self reflection it's because nobody took care of me, i am still waiting for that kind of care, that mother-care and daddy-care, that all kids deserve. now, since having children of my own, i am called upon every day to GIVE that care, and still, nobody gives that care to me. i am enraged inside. it's hard to know where to put it. anyway, blah blah i made this about me instead of you, sorry for that, just wanted you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE

mamalang said...

I understand a therapist may not be feasible right now, but perhaps you should try to see a doctor...you could be suffering from post partum on top of the baggage from your childhood. Good luck, sounds like you are trying to make healthy changes in your life. Realizing the problem is the first step, and you are moving past that now!

Jodi said...

OH sweetie. I have been there. Being a stay-at-home Mom with preschool children is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. It was like Groundhog day, I felt like I was living the same mind numbing boring day every single day.

My kids are 6 & 9 now and I am so happy that I had the chance to stay home with them. Living it day in and day out was sooo hard though. I do believe it made me just a little bit crazy.

And I know what you mean about losing yourself too, I totally and completely lost myself and had no idea who I was besides a mother and a wife. It scared the hell out of me, if my husband ever left me and took the boys who would I be then?? It was so scary.

You know what you should look into? Sign up for a college class at the local community college. Take just one class, at night or online. That's when I found myself again, when I started taking classes. It was the best feeling in the whole wide world. When I was at school, even for 2 hours, I wasn't anybody's Mommy, wife, or daughter. I was just Jodi and it was awesome. And usually community colleges classes are pretty cheap and usually you can even get a fee waiver, so it's free.

The other advice I can tell you is to see if your community has a Head start program or a State preschool. My oldest, Trent, went to preschool when he was 4 and it was the best thing I ever did. It gave Connor and I 3 hours to ourselves and really broke up our day. Sometimes I even volunteered in the classroom, which I hated, but I made friends with some of the other Mommy's and got to have adult conversations. It was so cool to talk to somebody about something besides Elmo and going potty! And Trent made lots of friends, played hard at school, and came home and took awesome naps. That was a great benefit as well! :)

Anyway, just know that you are not alone. You just need to find yourself again. Please come by my blog and drop me an email if you ever want to talk. I have been there done that, trust me..it will get better!!!!

Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

omg are you serious?

you have the life most of us wish we had, and all you want to do is whine and complain about how it's not good enough, and we are supposed to feel sorry for you? I don't.

I'm pregnant with my 4th baby, and found out last month that my husband of 11 years starting having an affair last march, when I was 2 months pregnant. And he's not even a good husband to begin with.

he's an awesome daddy, so seperating him from his kids would be incredibly painful for everyone.

but he works at a gas station, smokes weed and plays video games with his friends. he's like a teenage son I never had. he gives me the majority of his pathetic checks, and considers that doing his duty.

I am the only grown up in our family. I am the only one thinking about bills and mortgages and college funds and other grown up things. I am forced to work full time, even though I would give my left foot to stay home with my babies. I also have to leave them to go to school full time, because it has become obvious that this family's future is on my shoulders, and we will never have anything unless I go out and get it.

when I got pregnant I was 5'5 and 150 lbs, and I thought that was pretty good for a 29 year old mother of 3. but according to you I should kill myself.

I haven't had time to clean my bathroom the way it needs to be cleaned in over a month.

my kids watch tons of tv, because I am never here and I can't control what their dad or daycare lady does. I have tried, but it turns into "don't tell your mom I let you" and I'm the big evil bad guy, on top of never being around. screw that.

my daughter is fat, for the same reason.

so appreciate what you have, because there are a lot of mothers who would give anything to be in your shoes.

lou said...

Any Mom who says she never looses it and yells at her kids is full of it! And time-outs work, so why is that bad? Sounds like you are an excellent mother who also happens to be human!

Java Mom said...

If you would rather chew on glass than give a BJ...then dont' do it....tell your dh...sorry buddy....not in my bad of tricks....I don't give them to my hubby and he does not ask me....

I think that your way to hard on yourself hon!!!!!

I would suggest getting into some therapy.....

Anonymous said...

I am in therapy right now for the exact same things! My life sounds just like yours! My therapist says...don't be so hard on myself. Don't second guess myself. MAKE FRIENDS by putting myself out there and taking a chance. She also informed me that it REALLY IS boring trying to play with kids when you're really not a kid.And that's ok to feel like that. It's normal. The fact that you do it is what matters. It's ok to fake it a little. Also...it is NOT OK to always put yourself last. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be happy and be able to take care of others. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE WORTHY. You are ok. you are normal in these things. And please get some friends. Just one. That's all you need. I know it's scary. I know you feel you have no hobbies and no time for hobbies. But, you really must just dive in and try SOMETHING.

Anonymous said...

Even if you feel you cannot afford therapy financially speaking you should still look around. Many therapists or clinics work on a sliding scale, sometimes therapists in training will see you for free, and studies about depression often provide free therapy as well.

Congrats for letting it all out and posting. You are absolutely a great wife, woman, mom, and person. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

OK, for whatever reason I have been pondering the BJ issue ever since I read this post a few days ago. I can't help but wonder what the issue is with the oral. Performing fellatio is not easy, it can be a downright PITA: aching jaws, watch those teeth, poor fit, etc. etc. etc., but if you and the hubs have an otherwise satisfactory sex life, it should just be one more trick in the ol' bag. Is there an issue with someone pre-hubby forcing you to perform oral? That would understandably alter your perception, but I would suggest you find a way to deal with your issues with that PERSON. Is it the subservient "on your knees" thing? That can carry some psychological baggage as well, so maybe try getting him on his back with you in control. (And remember, with his privates in your mouth and hands, you are in complete control of his world for those few minutes no matter what position) I am pretty sensitive to hygiene, so I make a point of inviting my hub into the shower or bath with me prior to any activity, especially if I might be taking the dive (and it can be fun foreplay in and of itself--also, the more time you spend with warm soapy hands, the less you may have to actually have it in your mouth).
Hope this helps with that one issue, and I hope you are feeling better about other things, too. As has been said above, you hold yourself up to a standard that many of us find overbearing. We can't control those voices that get inside and tell us how worthless we are, though.
I would also highly suggest you check out flylady.net.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry I haven't responded to all of you until now but I've been swamped with a few things. We are moving very shortly and I took it upon myself to throw a HUGE (dj, tarot reader, rented out a restaurant, cake, 50+ guests, the whole shebang!) birthday party for my MIL (yes, you read that right, mother in law, I love her very much). Again, I thank you all for your advice and taking the time to tell me what you think. So here it goes :)

Andrea- You are absolutey right, I've given a lot of thought to what you said and I whole heartedly agree with you.

Laural Dawn- I took your advice this morning, I had my coffee, my son watched Clifford and read a magazine. The result, I felt GREAT and a little guilty. But afterwards I felt energized and cleaned the whole kitchen.

Anon 1:33- I didn't mean to insult you. Oddly enough, I don't hold anyone else to my standards but me. I'm not a judgmental person by nature. A very good friend of mine is the complete opposite with EVERYTHING she does, she spanks, she smokes, she's on the phone or computer while her son watches tv and I truly don't think any less of her. I believe it's all a matter of living with yourself the way you are. If it doesn't bother her, why should it bother me? It really doesn't. I couldn't live with myself if I did what she did but I KNOW everyone is different and has their own standards and convictions.

Misty- Thank you and I give you a ton of credit and a big **HUG**. I know working full time and coming home to kids and a house has got to be incredibly difficult. Thank you for sharing your story.

Anon 11:35- I know that "give, give, give" mode your in very well. I don't think you'll ever get taken care of per se until you demand it. The people around you probably think your the most generous selfless person there is and have no idea how you feel. I'm glad you made your comment about you and I hope you take my advice and think about yourself a little, I'm going to.

Mamalang- You are right, I am trying to make some positive steps forward and I will definitely consider what you suggested.

Jodi- I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to write such a detailed comment, that was very sweet. I have definitely thought about staying home being "boring" and I almost feel guilty for thinking that it is but you are right. The groundhog day effect has definitely taken effect here. My 3 year old starts preschool tomorrow so I will have 2 hours with my 1 year old. And I am giving serious consideration in taking some classes for fun at the community college, I thought that was a great suggestion. Thank you again.

Lou- Thank you

Java Mom- I feel way too bad saying no, besides I've tried it and it doesn't work. He's very hard working and provides me with a beautiful lifestyle so I've decided this is one sacrifice I'm going to have to make for him :).

Anon 4:22- I'm so glad you wrote in. It's nice to hear that someone else is actually in therapy for this right now. Thank you so much for all of the suggestions and I will take them to heart. Good luck in your journey.

Anon 6:45- Thank you and I will look into that.

Anon 7:33- I had to laugh when I read your post. This BJ stuff is a huge issue for me. I don't even like oral on myself and I never had a bad experience. My hubby was the first one I ever did it on and I absolutely hate it. It's absolutely a subservient thing but his arguement is yours, how can you think it's subservient when you have all the control? I am just disgusted by it and I'm not hypocritical, he never goes down on me because I don't like it. I think for some woman it's really not their "cup of tea". I also just got done reading the flylady book and loved it. It's very inspirational and I've already started some of her routines.

Again, I thank you all for your comments and I'm am so pleased with the response I got to my blog. Because of all of your comments I've started to make some really positive changes in my lifestyle and I no longer feel like I'm the only one who lives this way. I cannot thank you all enough, it's been a blessing to have so many kind people give me such inspiration. You are all wonderful and please have a big ***HUG*** from me.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, but you need to first give yourself a huge pat on the bag, and a big hug. You are setting the bar WAY too high for yourself.

I must be a horrible mother if you aren't good enough. I wasn't able to breastfeed my daughter (although I pumped for 6 months, but still, not the same you know?), I used some jarred food, I went to the gym and left her in the gym daycare, and I am still 155 lbs at 9 months postpartum. I would be happy to get to 150! So I guess I should off myself...I am only 5'5", although muscular, I have a pooch and am a size 10-12. But fuck that! I like my body well enough...it's not perfect, but I have boobs and a butt and I like myself for once in my life. I'd love to be thinner, and it will happen.

I am not happy all the time...in fact I am sad and anxious often. I know I don't measure up in the eyes of the uber-mommies. But what's the point of that anyway? There's no award given for "best mom" or "best wife." Your kids and hubby love you! So go find yourself again! Take a few hours off on weekends, join a gym, take a clas, anything! and cut yourself some slack! You are a very good mom and I can see why you are unhappy. Anyone would be if they held themselves up to some invisible, non-forgiving status! I think it's the scourge of our generation as moms, to be honest. Your kids will be fine...you are doing great.

Author of this blog said...

Anon 8:48- Thank you. I have to give you a ton of credit for pumping 6 months, you right though, it's not the same...IT'S HARDER. Pumping sucks, I did it for my hubby a couple of times so I could get some sleep. You get an A+ in my book for that. I have been learning to cut myself a lot of slack as of recently. I'm glad people, including you, wrote in and said, "HELLO! We all do that, or feel that or whatever". I feel sad that some woman take my criticism and think that they "should" feel the way I do. But I don't think that. It sounds like you are doing a great job as most of the mothers are. My husband just told me last night that he thinks I'm getting "too skinny", I don't see it but I'm taking what he said literally and I'm done loosing weight. I'm staying at 123 and I'm done beating myself up for not doing better. Thank you for your supportive comment, I really appreciate you writing in.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you took the words right out of my mouth. Thank you for helping me remember I'm not the only mother who feels this way.

Anonymous said...

My dh doesn't get BJs unless I'm pregnant or REALLY not in the mood. So in general, a few times a year. Sex maybe 1 every two weeks. Does that mean I'm a bad wife? I don't make his lunch and he does the cooking. I clean but we're not super clean. (I do other things for him though like help with his work. I'm not a slacker.) My kid doesn't have much of a routine, does eat sugar, watches tv, plays computer games and we don't do arts everyday. We don't exercise. And I don't do stuff with a big fake grin on my face all the time. You are looking to be a Stepford Wife, and it's not right and it's not going to happen. If I didn't also sense pain here, for a minute I thought you were being sarcastic and actually bragging about how awesome you are. Maybe instead of aiming for perfect, you need to think about what is the best you can do? It's always good to aim to do better, but you need to be able to recognize 'good' and be happy with it. It sounds like you do very well for your kids and husband. But you need to do some for you too. I know it's hard, but you need to make it happen. GET a hobby and get that wonderful hubby (who must think you hung the moon) to watch the kids one night a week so you can do your hobby. Maybe take a class in something that interests you. It'd be a chance to get a hobby AND meet people. Also consider joining a club or group. Meetup.com is a great place to find people with similar interests. And please try not to be so hard on yourself. And get some help if you need to.. {hug}

Anonymous said...

I'm glad Java Mom said that.

I wouldn't give a BJ unless I actually wanted to...and I 99.9% of the time don't, so it doesn't happen.