Sunday, September 09, 2007

Needing Strength; Needing Mom

Posted by Anonymous.


I don't even know how to write this.

I took my mom to the ER this morning to get checked out -she'd been having stomach aches. I expected the call to tell me she had kidney stones or appendicitis. I should say that my mom (in addition to being my best friend) is also the caregiver for my 2-year old daughter during the week. As my father (her ex) watched my daughter for me while I readied for a conference call at 3:00, the phone rang and it was my mom from the ER. "I have pancreatic cancer."

I can still hear those words echoing in my head. That was approximately 10 hours ago. She was finally admitted into a room around 10:00pm and we still have no more information except that it does not look operable. I notified family and close friends and thought that I would really like to tell my "friends" from the blogosphere, but I don't have a blog so here I am. I know that tragedies happen all the time, all around us. I know that I need to be strong for my mom and my daughter, but right now - at 1:15 am, all I can do is cry onto my keyboard and fight the panic that threatens to send me running out into the dark street. All I wanted to do was to shake an ER nurse or doctor and yell "THIS IS MY MOTHER, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP US" because I truly don't know how I will move past this, how will I enjoy a Saturday morning at the farmer's market without my friend/my mother? Who will stop to get me a special coffee on Monday morning just because it's Monday? Who will be there for me when I take the leap to have a second baby??

I know this happens all the time, people get sick, people die, but right now, my heart is breaking into tiny pieces and I. can. not. stop. crying. If these are the times when you're supposed to find your inner strength, please let me find mine. Mom, I love you.

25 comments:

flutter said...

Oh, honey. Oh honey. I am just so sorry. Is chemo an option?

Omaha Mama said...

Prayers for you tonight. I can't say I have been there, but I've been through a similar incident recently. Try to stay calm until you have all the facts. Be there for your mom. Enjoy every moment you have left together. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would be a mess. I really would.

Gina said...

Prayers, positive thoughts, and comfort are being sent your way. I cannot fathom your pain and do not want to.

Anonymous said...

so many hugs for you. i'm so sorry you, your mom and your family are going through this. please keep us updated if you can.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Yes, people go through this all the time, but you've never been through it with your mom. So it's OK to cry, to get mad, to go a little crazy. Then gather your strength and see what you can do to fight it.

You will have (many) bad days ahead, but try to dwell instead on the time you have with your mom. My mom was ill for six years before she died and there were many terrible days, but I'm so glad I got that time with her.

You and your family are in my prayers.

The Hotfessional said...

{{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}
There's nothing I can do or say to take away your pain, but know that we're praying for you and your Mom, each in our own way.

There's a whole wide world hoping that a miracle is possible. But if you don't get your miracle, remember that we're here to listen.

Avalon said...

Oh no. My heart is breaking along with yours. My Mom is my best friend, so I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are in. Just know that there are many of us out here rooting for you and your Mom. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

I have tears in my eyes so I can't even begin to understand how you are feeling. This is many's worst nightmare. I'm sorry you are living it. I hope that you find a way to have a little peace.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. You and your mom are in my thoughts.

Kendra said...

I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers. Maybe calling a good friend who can come sit with you would help.

lala said...

I have exactly the same thoughts about losing my mother....the void....will be huge......

Angela said...

You and your mom are in my prayers

Mommato2 said...

Saying prayers for you tonight...stay strong.

Susan said...

Cherish the moments that you and your family have with your mom. You will always have fond memories (and bittersweet memories) of your trips to the farmers market with your mom but for now, it's ok to cry, to be scared, to ask for help.

Hug your child, take care of yourself as best you can. Passages can be cruel; love, life, death. I hear you. and so do others. Good thoughts for you, for your mom, for your family. Just spend time with your mom now and be grateful for the time you have.

b*babbler said...

I am so very sorry. My thoughts are with you... The next while will be difficult, with many tears, but hopefully you will be able to find moments of joy and happiness in there too.

Barbara said...

I am sorry for your mom and for your family but most especially, my heart is bruised for the little girl - that's you - whose mom is very sick. We have that little girl inside ourselves and when a parent is sick or dies, it is that little girl who struggles to understand. My dad died when I was 17 and my little-girl-self still cries at the injustice of it. I want my daddy to see that my daughter looks just like him sometimes, that his genes won out in so many ways - personality and looks - and it just isn't fair. Hold your child and know that what your mother has of her will always be there to hold you back.

kgirl said...

I'm so very sorry. It's a horrible, unforgiving disease, and your mom will need your strength and your laughter and your hand, squeezing hers.

I'm afraid that this hits really close to home for me, but I can tell you that you need to enjoy the good days - really enjoy them. It's going to be tough.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

Anonymous said...

Same boat here. In the span of a month my dad went from stomach aches/newfound diabetes to inoperable pancreatic cancer. It's unfair and I always thought I'd have more time. We are going to California this weekend to say goodbye. Praying for you.

ewe are here said...

I'm so terribly sorry for you, your mom and your family. Like those before me, I'm wishing you all the best.

Anonymous said...

i'm so sorry, for the little girl inside you who wants her mom and can't imagine not having her there. for what that really feels like, inside, below the words. and for the shock...how quickly this has come on all of you.

i hope, for your entire family, that this will not unfold in quite the dire way being presented by the docs today. but i hope even more, no matter what happens, that you and your mom will get to love each other as much as possible in whatever time is remaining to you, and that you will find the strength to face this head on and give her your all, and then, after...give yourself what you need to heal.

The City Gal said...

Please give us an update. What are the doctors saying?

liza said...

I know how you feel. My father told me 2 days ago (Sunday) that he has pancreatic cancer. Needless to say me and my family have been walking around like zombies, completely flabbergasted. I have a one year old daughter and I was looking forward to seeing them go fishing together (my dad teaches everyone to enjoy fishing). I am holding her so tight.
I know this may make you feel more depressed, but I hope you also understand that you are not alone. Your note made me realize that there are people even beyond my family out there who understand, in real time, some of how I feel.
The notes people have left you here are helpful to me too, so thanks for sharing your pain, it has helped ease mine a little bit.

Misty said...

we lost my father in law in April to lung cancer. He started feeling strange in February and the doctor passed it off as if he had pulled a muscle. Don't give up hope, hopefully there are options. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

motherbumper said...

I am so sorry and I'm sending you positive strength and hugs.

Anonymous said...

Thank you all for your unbelievably kind comments and prayers. We took my mom to her appointment with the pancreatic ongologist today and he actually gave us some good news in that he feels my mom's disease is really at stage 3 and not stage IV (which was what we were told in the hospital). This means that the cancer has not spread and although it is not operable (and therefore incurable), it probably will give her a few more months of life. To the others who have had experiences with this or are currently going through this, thank you for sharing your stories. I hope you also get the support and love you need during this time. We also talked with the cancer center social worker who was incredibly helpful and a great resource if you have someone available to you in that capacity. I'm sure we have some very hard times still ahead, but I am going to try to cherish every minute we've got. Thank you again for your support - it's helped more than you know.