Posted by Anonymous.
How long do you allow yourself to stay angry at a family member before either taking it on or letting it go?
Should you let it go?
I've been angry with my mom for a very long time. For dozens of things, big and little. Nothing really damaging, nothing that's really a relationship-breaker, but a whole lot of frustrating stuff, spread over the years, that's been weighing on my heart. Some stuff that's stupid, some stuff that's not so stupid, but all of it selfish - all of it having to do with ME wanting my MOM, wanting her to be more overtly caring, more solicitous, more eager to be a mom, and not just a friend. Wanting her to want to do those things - to come visit, to see her grandchild more often, to spend more time, to spend more attention. To be the mom that I want to be to my children when they're grown, and they need me, like I need my mom, sometimes, now.
She and I have spoken about these things. She thinks that I'm being silly. She does love me, she says. She'd do anything for me, she says. But she wouldn't, I know that she wouldn't, I know that she wouldn't even do anything that put her out too much, unless it was really dire straights, and that hurts.
Am I silly? Should I just let it go, and just love the mom I have, and stop wishing for the mom that I lost long ago?
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
No Love, No Reason
Posted by Anonymous.
I've been married for eight years. We have two beautiful children and a comfortable life. He is not a bad person. He doesn't drink, smoke, gamble, hit me, cheat, spend hours in bars or looking at internet porn. He's a good guy, he can make me laugh, and he loves me. The problem is that I just don't love him anymore, and honestly, am not sure if I ever really did.
We got married young, not an excuse, just a fact, and I'm not sure if the circumstances had been different if I would have ended up married to him. I was young, had made a mistake, and was trying to prove to everyone, and myself that I had done the right thing. It was also an issue of security. I felt like I had no where else to go, and did not want to be alone.
After our oldest was born he became very resentul of the time and attention that she took away from me. I feel like that for the past several years he really has not been there for me. He worked alot, and I spent many nights alone with the baby, and she was not an easy baby. I had thought he would be such a great dad. He wanted kids, I wasn't so sure, so I expected alot from him and when he didn't deliver, I think it really hurt me. He also said some very hurtful things to me in those years. I really thought about leaving him when she was a baby, but I wanted another baby so two years later our son was born and it was pretty much the same story. I was the sole parent, anything I asked him to do was a chore and I felt bad for it. He never got up in the night, never did baths or feedings, he spent a lot of time away at work or in front of the TV.
We've talked about all this, been to counseling over it and the way I feel about it, but it's pretty much just my problem. He understands that I feel that way, but he doesn't agree with it, and I just have to get over it. To his credit, he has made an honest effort to improve over the past year, but he still isn't the husband
and father I thought I was getting. I have to give him credit for trying though.
Now, ten years and two kids later, I don't know what to do. I've been to counseling, we've been to counseling together. I have told him how I feel, but he just does not accept it. He says that he can make me love him, he thinks that because we don't fight everything is fine. When I have talked about leaving he called be a selfish ***** and reminded me of everyone I would hurt by leaving, our families, the kids, him. So now when he asks what's wrong I just lie and say nothing, because he doesn't want to hear the truth anyway.
I wish I had a reason to leave. Everyone thinks he is great and I'm so lucky, so they wouldn't understand. If he would mess up just once, I could leave, I could justify a divorce, but the way things are now, I can't. Life isn't horrible, it isn't good, it just is. I have my kids and my home, but I don't have a partner, a companion. I dream about a place of my own, just me and the kids, where I could do what I wanted, decorate how I wanted, cook how I wanted.
Why can't I leave? Why can't I bring myself to stand up to him and just tell him that I can't do this anymore? Why am I so worried about doing the wrong thing and what everyone else would think? Also, I hate to disrupt my kids' world. They are young, 5 & 3, and I hate to tear their lives apart on a whim. I don't want to waste my life unhappy when I could have a shot at being happy by myself or with someone else.
Other than more counseling, any advice? Has anyone been in the same situation and what have you done? Am I just being selfish, idealistic? Are all marriages like this after awhile?
I've been married for eight years. We have two beautiful children and a comfortable life. He is not a bad person. He doesn't drink, smoke, gamble, hit me, cheat, spend hours in bars or looking at internet porn. He's a good guy, he can make me laugh, and he loves me. The problem is that I just don't love him anymore, and honestly, am not sure if I ever really did.
We got married young, not an excuse, just a fact, and I'm not sure if the circumstances had been different if I would have ended up married to him. I was young, had made a mistake, and was trying to prove to everyone, and myself that I had done the right thing. It was also an issue of security. I felt like I had no where else to go, and did not want to be alone.
After our oldest was born he became very resentul of the time and attention that she took away from me. I feel like that for the past several years he really has not been there for me. He worked alot, and I spent many nights alone with the baby, and she was not an easy baby. I had thought he would be such a great dad. He wanted kids, I wasn't so sure, so I expected alot from him and when he didn't deliver, I think it really hurt me. He also said some very hurtful things to me in those years. I really thought about leaving him when she was a baby, but I wanted another baby so two years later our son was born and it was pretty much the same story. I was the sole parent, anything I asked him to do was a chore and I felt bad for it. He never got up in the night, never did baths or feedings, he spent a lot of time away at work or in front of the TV.
We've talked about all this, been to counseling over it and the way I feel about it, but it's pretty much just my problem. He understands that I feel that way, but he doesn't agree with it, and I just have to get over it. To his credit, he has made an honest effort to improve over the past year, but he still isn't the husband
and father I thought I was getting. I have to give him credit for trying though.
Now, ten years and two kids later, I don't know what to do. I've been to counseling, we've been to counseling together. I have told him how I feel, but he just does not accept it. He says that he can make me love him, he thinks that because we don't fight everything is fine. When I have talked about leaving he called be a selfish ***** and reminded me of everyone I would hurt by leaving, our families, the kids, him. So now when he asks what's wrong I just lie and say nothing, because he doesn't want to hear the truth anyway.
I wish I had a reason to leave. Everyone thinks he is great and I'm so lucky, so they wouldn't understand. If he would mess up just once, I could leave, I could justify a divorce, but the way things are now, I can't. Life isn't horrible, it isn't good, it just is. I have my kids and my home, but I don't have a partner, a companion. I dream about a place of my own, just me and the kids, where I could do what I wanted, decorate how I wanted, cook how I wanted.
Why can't I leave? Why can't I bring myself to stand up to him and just tell him that I can't do this anymore? Why am I so worried about doing the wrong thing and what everyone else would think? Also, I hate to disrupt my kids' world. They are young, 5 & 3, and I hate to tear their lives apart on a whim. I don't want to waste my life unhappy when I could have a shot at being happy by myself or with someone else.
Other than more counseling, any advice? Has anyone been in the same situation and what have you done? Am I just being selfish, idealistic? Are all marriages like this after awhile?
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Is It Wrong...?
Posted by Anonymous.
Is it wrong that I have, on very bad days, on sick days, on tired days, TRIED to get my child hooked on television?
Is it wrong that I have, on a very few occasions, let her eat onion rings dipped in ketchup?
Is it wrong that I sometimes let a wet diaper diaper go a bit longer than it should before changing?
Is it wrong that I just don't feel like going to the park some days? MOST days?
Is it wrong that I am sometimes a really, really lazy mom?
Am I a bad mom?
Is it wrong that I have, on very bad days, on sick days, on tired days, TRIED to get my child hooked on television?
Is it wrong that I have, on a very few occasions, let her eat onion rings dipped in ketchup?
Is it wrong that I sometimes let a wet diaper diaper go a bit longer than it should before changing?
Is it wrong that I just don't feel like going to the park some days? MOST days?
Is it wrong that I am sometimes a really, really lazy mom?
Am I a bad mom?
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Dear Mom
Posted by Charlene.
Dear Mom,
Has it been three years since you left us so quickly? How is not possible they never saw you had an AVM but knew of everything else that was wrong with you? It does not seem possible but then I realize I’m still harboring feelings of guilt, sadness and anger regarding your death. I wish I could get past these feelings but I can’t. I guess this is the way to handle it and work through these feelings and then maybe let the flame go to a flicker.
Let me tell you about the guilt side of things first and then we will work through the rest of complaints. I have guilt I was not there when you started feeling bad and I could not fight with you to go to the hospital. This was our way of dealing with your health issues. A mother and daughter showing who had the stronger will on what was needed at the time. Dad and I usually won the battle for you getting well but not without a fight from you. I wonder if I could have saved your life. I have guilt of having to tell your baby that mom collapsed and they are taking her to the trauma center over the phone. I wish I could have told her face to face but as the primary caregiver to many things were happening to have those few moments. I wish I had to time to call your parents to let them know what was happening but I chickened out and left it to your brothers. I harbor the guilt that your son did not get to see you before they took you to surgery. The anguish on his face sticks with me today.
The sadness is you not getting to know your grandson. You had five precious months with him but it was not enough for me or him. Also, you have not seen your granddaughter turn into such a lovely girl. You probably have been looking down and laughing at the antics that your grandchildren do but you are not here to witness the joy they provided us. I’m sad that I can not call and confer with you when I’m having parenting issues. Dad does ok but you were the one that could talk sense into me. You were the queen of how to handle children without being too stressed out. I wonder how you did it because there are days I struggle.
The angry side is going to be short but vicious. Your family is/was obnoxious through the process of losing you. They never extended themselves when we were in the depths of our despair. I could have used help but they did not make them available. I finally figured it out that is the way they work. Also, it is wrong of you to hide your baby’s drug problem. It came to light after you passed and know has created much tension for all of us. I want to call you and say how dare you but you would defend her as mothers do.
I guess I should stop rattling on and let you know I still love you. That these feelings will dissipate one day but they still burn on with me. Hopefully, the burning slows to a flicker not a flame. Also, I’m not sorry about telling your oldest brother to put the phone away or I was going to put it where the sun does not shine. He deserved it when he crossed the line of calling everyone that was not family. I get told I’m like you more often than not. I take this as a compliment because you taught me right from wrong and how to defend my actions. I hope you are enjoying having your mom with you because I know she has missed you the past three years. Tell her we love her. I will see you one day.
Love, your Daughter
Charlene
Dear Mom,
Has it been three years since you left us so quickly? How is not possible they never saw you had an AVM but knew of everything else that was wrong with you? It does not seem possible but then I realize I’m still harboring feelings of guilt, sadness and anger regarding your death. I wish I could get past these feelings but I can’t. I guess this is the way to handle it and work through these feelings and then maybe let the flame go to a flicker.
Let me tell you about the guilt side of things first and then we will work through the rest of complaints. I have guilt I was not there when you started feeling bad and I could not fight with you to go to the hospital. This was our way of dealing with your health issues. A mother and daughter showing who had the stronger will on what was needed at the time. Dad and I usually won the battle for you getting well but not without a fight from you. I wonder if I could have saved your life. I have guilt of having to tell your baby that mom collapsed and they are taking her to the trauma center over the phone. I wish I could have told her face to face but as the primary caregiver to many things were happening to have those few moments. I wish I had to time to call your parents to let them know what was happening but I chickened out and left it to your brothers. I harbor the guilt that your son did not get to see you before they took you to surgery. The anguish on his face sticks with me today.
The sadness is you not getting to know your grandson. You had five precious months with him but it was not enough for me or him. Also, you have not seen your granddaughter turn into such a lovely girl. You probably have been looking down and laughing at the antics that your grandchildren do but you are not here to witness the joy they provided us. I’m sad that I can not call and confer with you when I’m having parenting issues. Dad does ok but you were the one that could talk sense into me. You were the queen of how to handle children without being too stressed out. I wonder how you did it because there are days I struggle.
The angry side is going to be short but vicious. Your family is/was obnoxious through the process of losing you. They never extended themselves when we were in the depths of our despair. I could have used help but they did not make them available. I finally figured it out that is the way they work. Also, it is wrong of you to hide your baby’s drug problem. It came to light after you passed and know has created much tension for all of us. I want to call you and say how dare you but you would defend her as mothers do.
I guess I should stop rattling on and let you know I still love you. That these feelings will dissipate one day but they still burn on with me. Hopefully, the burning slows to a flicker not a flame. Also, I’m not sorry about telling your oldest brother to put the phone away or I was going to put it where the sun does not shine. He deserved it when he crossed the line of calling everyone that was not family. I get told I’m like you more often than not. I take this as a compliment because you taught me right from wrong and how to defend my actions. I hope you are enjoying having your mom with you because I know she has missed you the past three years. Tell her we love her. I will see you one day.
Love, your Daughter
Charlene
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Mother Trouble
Posted by Anonymous*
I tried to ask for financial help from my mom... I'm currently earning $10 per day (that is due to demographical reasons, I'm not in U.S. and she is) I asked her for like $200 atleast.. I know it is much. she's earning more than $20 per hour... and that is not my point. That is her money. I just don't want her to say that THE ONLY WAY SHE COULD HELP ME IS WHEN SHE DIES AND I GOT TO HAVE HER INSURANCE BENEFIT. It hurts so bad, God knows that I am not looking forward to it.. and I just needed a little help. She could have just said NO or just ignored me... I couldn't wait the day I could give her money, and can afford a vacation for her at my expense and show her that if ever I would be successful, I wouldn't be like her... how I wished I could afford an insurance and make her my sole beneficiary and that I would be the first to die so she can benefit from my insurance. I wanted to say to her that she could erase my name from her insurance, even if I am her only child, but it would hurt her.. but why does she keep on hurting me while I am asking for help? I have never been a burden to her.... it hurts so bad... I wanted to die.
*originally posted as comment to Her Bad Anger.
I tried to ask for financial help from my mom... I'm currently earning $10 per day (that is due to demographical reasons, I'm not in U.S. and she is) I asked her for like $200 atleast.. I know it is much. she's earning more than $20 per hour... and that is not my point. That is her money. I just don't want her to say that THE ONLY WAY SHE COULD HELP ME IS WHEN SHE DIES AND I GOT TO HAVE HER INSURANCE BENEFIT. It hurts so bad, God knows that I am not looking forward to it.. and I just needed a little help. She could have just said NO or just ignored me... I couldn't wait the day I could give her money, and can afford a vacation for her at my expense and show her that if ever I would be successful, I wouldn't be like her... how I wished I could afford an insurance and make her my sole beneficiary and that I would be the first to die so she can benefit from my insurance. I wanted to say to her that she could erase my name from her insurance, even if I am her only child, but it would hurt her.. but why does she keep on hurting me while I am asking for help? I have never been a burden to her.... it hurts so bad... I wanted to die.
*originally posted as comment to Her Bad Anger.
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