Thursday, August 16, 2007

Her Bad Anger

Posted by HBM.

I am so fucking angry with my mother right now. SO. FUCKING. ANGRY. I love her desperately, but that only makes it worse when our shit comes between us. Our relationship has an Achilles heel, and when it flares, it explodes.

And I can't write about it. This isn't a private diary for me; my blog isn't a private diary for me; I have no space for the stuff that really, really burns.

So this, this stupid, black, toxic, tar-like anger, has to get swallowed. It sucks.

Just had to say so.

********

Still trying to figure out about the banner. Still undecided, all the more so after the near fifty-fifty split on the voting.

Anybody got any good basement-y images?

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Everyone I know knows about my blog, as well as this place and a couple others. So I created a totally anonymous blog to use in just this type of situation. Because sometimes you just can't swallow it, you have to get it out.

motherbumper said...

It does suck and I understand (as I'm sure many do).

The black tar sometimes coats the eyes and thoughts and comes out in the worst ways. Wish you had a place to purge, purge, purge and release.

Between the two banners I'm leaning towards the key but I'm gonna hunt around my graphics stash and get back to you on that.

Mrs. Chicken said...

Yup. Me, too.

I get it and I'm sorry. Hope things get better for you soon.

Nothing hurts worse than anger and love mixed together.

flutter said...

I know this is like, so hippie dippie you'll probably puke, BUT...

Write it. On paper. All of it, the nasty, the mean, the ugly in whatever form it takes. Then take that piece of paper, and set it on fire.

Ms. Huis Herself said...

Oh, how absolutely frustrating! All that anger and no place to put it when you need to! Maybe you could do like the previous commentors said and either make an anonymous, not linked to anything, blog just for times like this. Or write it down with big furious black marker words on paper... then rip, tear, rip it up with a vengence!

Sorry this space can't be for you what's it's been for so many others...

Nancy said...

I'm sorry, Catherine. ((hugs))

Lara said...

you're totally welcome to my place if you want it. i wouldn't even think twice about giving you that space for a bit if you felt it would help. seriously - just say the word.

Sandra said...

I second what Laura said dear friend. I am sure so many of us would lend you our place to get it out and get the support. You are so generous with this space that you deserve a spot to rant and unload and let go of the tar. Big hugs to you
xoxo

Jodi said...

Yeah, you don't know me but you could vent on my blog too. I have like 3 readers so you would be totally anonymous! It's really sad that you have this basement for everybody else but you don't have anywhere to unload your stuff. My door is open to you however.

crazymumma said...

one can be eaten by anger. Isn't it amazing how those you love can move you to the greatest emotions?

xo

Anonymous said...

I have a secret blog, too. No one knows about it, not even my husband. Well, he knows I have one, but not where it actually is. I find it very freeing, actually.

mamatulip said...

The way you described your Achilles heel is a way in which I could describe my relationship with my mother. I understand. It's damn hard.

As others have said, you are more than welcome to jump in the handbasket and let go of that tar-like anger.

verybadcat said...

I'm sorry you're all bottled up. I'm also sorry that you're upset with your Mom- I've read you enough to know that the relationship is a very meaningful one.

I sincerely wish I could do something for you. If you want to post on my blog, you are more than welcome, like your previous poster, I have five readers.....

You won't do that, though, because you really can't, I guess.

The only thing I can say is that it could be worse- you could have so little affection and attachment to your mother that she was unable to affect you so profoundly. That isn't much easier, believe me.

I hope it all works out.

Lawyer Mama said...

My relationship with my mother is the most complicated one of my life. And it's that way for so many mothers & daughters, isn't it? Only someone that we love so much could hurt us like that.

((HUGS))

ewe are here said...

I have no images for you, but I am sending you calming thoughts in hopes that things between you and your mom cool off quickly.

It's amazing how those closest to us can make us react the strongest... probably because we care so very, very much about what they think about us and our lives.

Jaelithe said...

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I have a lot of unbloggable issues with my mother, too. I hope things get better soon.

Have you considered emailing a few trustworthy people, just to vent?

Anonymous said...

My mother is the one person who can make me cry with an offhand comment, and probably the one person I have hurt the most in my short life. We have a certain amount of shiny-happy love built back up since the teenage years, but it's still so fragile sometimes. On the other hand, when I think of my older sister, who hasn't spoken to her in 15 years, and that my mom ran away from home at 15 and didn't speak to HER mother after that, I see progress.

Ah, parents. It also helps me to remember that if there wasn't so much guilt/anger/hurt/confusion, it wouldn't be family. It's kind of supposed to be like this.

May the force be with you.

Lisa b said...

That sucks Catherine. I hope you find somewhere to purge your anger.

mothergoosemouse said...

I have to admit that I envy the fact that you guys get it out on the table. You care enough to disagree.

That said, I still wish you weren't hurting.

mrinz said...

I hope that things improve for you - but - whatever happens she is still your Mum and the only one you will ever have.

Kyla said...

Mothers and daughter. It can be volatile indeed.

Anonymous said...

i tried to ask for financial help from my mom... i'm currently earning $10 per day (that is due to demographical reasons, i'm not in U.S. and she is) i asked her for like $200 atleast.. I know it is much. she's earning more than $20 per hour... and that is not my point. That is her money. I just don't want her to say that THE ONLY WAY SHE COULD HELP ME IS WHEN SHE DIES AND I GOT TO HAVE HER INSURANCE BENEFIT. It hurts so bad, God knows that I am not looking forward to it.. and I just needed a little help. She could have just said NO or just ignored me... i couldn't wait the day i could give her money, and can afford a vacation for her at my expense and show her that if ever I would be successful, I wouldn't be like her... how i wished i could afford an insurance and make her my sole beneficiary and that I would be the first to die so she can benefit from my insurance. I wanted to say to her that she could erase my name from her insurance, even if i am her only child, but it would hurt her.. but why does she keep on hurting me while i am asking for help. I have never been a burden to her.... it hurts so bad... i wanted to die.