Thursday, January 10, 2008

No Pregnancy Glow

Posted by Anonymous

*Update below*

I really want to write about this on my own blog, but I can't. I normally post on my blog daily, but I have been so bummed I have not done anything with it since mid-December.

I found out on December 7th that I am pregnant with baby number three. THREE. A number I did not think was going to be in my vocabulary describing my family. I had sold the pack n' play on Ebay, gave away almost all baby clothing to friends and relatives, and was ready to donate or freecycle what I had left that people I know did not need. December was a month spent mostly in shock of my situation, (getting pregnant while not missing one single pill!) and when I wasn't thinking about it I was really, really nauseous. I never throw up, but just feel gross and have lots of heartburn. At the moment my salad and chicken I had for dinner is erupting into my esophagus. And I am so tired I fall asleep when I sit down to play with my kids on the sofa.

A small part of me is excited, but most of me is dreading being pregnant, and dealing with waking up every 2-3 hours to nurse this baby once he or she is here. I dread dealing with another episiotomy healing, having no sex life, bleeding for 6 weeks, and being fat. Maybe I will be more positive when I don't feel sick every day. I was not this sick with baby number one and two. I had major PPD after my second child, and I am already feeling depressed just thinking about how exhausting having 3 is going to be. I am one of those people that was never into babies. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids dearly, but I am not one to ask to hold someone else's baby. After I had my second child and he woke up EVERY HOUR at one point, to nurse because of his acid reflux, and would not sleep because he was in pain every time he was put on his back, I started to be repulsed by infants. I wouldn't even go near my infant nieces and nephews. I have really begun to enjoy not carrying a diaper bag with me everywhere, and like not needing a stroller if I go out with my kids. I love that my kids play together and I don't have to be on top of them, I love not needing diapers.

I am afraid mostly because I think back to when I had my newborn son and my 18 month old daughter way back when, and I ended up having suicidal thoughts. I was so exhausted I got mastitis twice in a month, with a fever over 104. I was at the lowest point in my life, beyond exhausted, dealing with a child that would not sleep because he was in pain, and having to take care of a toddler still in diapers. The only thing that helped was time and eventually going on Prozac. Sleep deprivation nearly killed me after I had my son.
I am just hoping this time is easier.

Thanks for listening.

UPDATE: Anonymous has just discovered that she is, in fact, carrying twins. So these will be babies THREE and FOUR. (Biggest hugs to you, Anonymous.)

38 comments:

Corey said...

I am sure that you have enough love for this new baby to be. I think that once he/she arrives, you will not be able to imagine life without him/her. I do think that you should talk to your doctor and it might be worth taking some anti-depressant to get you through this time. Many are safe to use during pregnancies. Good luck with everything.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! Take it day by day!! And remember that it will get easier with time. Sit back and relax, and try to enjoy each day instead of worrying what the future holds! This baby may be like our last one--it may sleep thru the night early on and rarely fuss!!

Hang in there! Best wishes!

Becky said...

I could have written this myself.

(hugs).

Anonymous said...

Thanks everyone for your comments. I found out this week that it is twins. I was out of whack over one, now I will have two to take care of in addition to my preschoolers. I am in shock, I don't know how I am going to manage this, it just keeps getting worse.

Anonymous said...

My 3rd was a "surprise" baby too. It's hard. Having twins in addition to having 2 preschoolers? I can't even imagine. Is there a possibility of getting help for a few months after the babies are born? PPD is a horrible thing, please do not feel ashamed, and take anti depressants. They don't help everything, but they help a lot.

Anonymous said...

I can't even imagine how overwhelmed you must feel right now. It's okay to feel exhausted, it's okay to realize that taking care of twins and your other two preschoolers will be hard. I totally understand your feeling of dread about pregnancy and newborns. I love my kids so deeply but pregnancy was not enjoyable for me and marathon nursing sessions at 3 am left me in tears of sheer exhaustion and frustration. Try to do what you can to find the support you need now. Friends, in-laws, church, mommy groups, alone time...whatever it is that refreshes your soul and gives you perspective.

Anonymous said...

You still have the choice to have an abortion if you want to.

pk said...

How does your husband feel about all of this? Is he supportive? If you choose to continue with the pregnancy, by all means take the advice of others who've commented and take care of yourself, and be sure to listen to the doctor and take an antidepressant if necessary. Do you have family around to help? Please post again to let us know how you are making out.

Meira said...

It sounds as if your biggest concerns all center around early infancy & the hormonal/sleep deprivation that comes with it. My twins are almost 3, and I'm not going to say it was easy -- for me I felt like I was at my wit's end, exactly as I felt with one baby -- but you can do it. Since you're comfortable with being on anti-depressants, I would really really consider going back on them, possibly soon. Having gone through PPD with both my pregnancies, if I ever get pregnant again I fully intend to start the ADs at the birth, if not before. Z0loft is safe while nursing according to Kellymom and worked wonders for me. Also, in case you haven't seen it: askmoxie.com has a whole series on preventing PPD, maybe it has something you'll find comforting?

Anonymous said...

Twins??!! Oh my gosh. Well...congratulations? :-)
Oh man. I know there will come a day, far, far in the future where you are able to look back and laugh about this.

But for now, I'm so sorry about your situation. I know that I'd be in tears, initially too. Is there a way you can get a mommy's helper sort of person to help you along in the next few years?

Hang in there.

Don't pretend you can do it all.

Ask, demand for help.

Anonymous said...

This is terrible news for you. I would be unable to complete the pregnancy, myself. Hang in there.

pippa said...

Actually, a friend sent me your post.

I've BTDT. Well, not with the twins, but the being pregnant when you really weren't interested bit. Oldest was in pre-K, having just turned 5. Next was about to turn 3, and the "baby" if you will, was 16 months old. Middle two were refluxers. #3 so severe he was hospitalized. And I'd had a darn tubal ligation.

There is no shame in taking antidepressants NOW. Screw the waiting for the birth bit. It's far better for baby to get getting some of the kickapoo joy juice in utero than have a mommy constantly 2 seconds from losing it entirely.

And I know it doesn't help to hear "it'll get better" when you are right in the moment. My last pregnancy was 9 months of hell. I wanted to kill anyone who came at me with the "God has a plan" crap for why my tubal failed. Good luck! And eat lots of ice cream. ;)

Anonymous said...

OMG twins........i feel for you

Granny Sue said...

Having people to talk to--here--will be a great help to you. How many of us have had unplanned pregnancies? (three of five for me)

What you're facing is tough. You already know that. Talk to this group, take care of yourself and try to remember this too shall pass.

I remember when I learned I was pregnant with my third son. Our income was about $70 a week, and we had no health insurance. I was devastated and yet... this was a baby who did not choose to be born. We invited him.

I won't say it wasn't tough. It was. Now he's 35and a soldier in Iraq. I still worry and fear for him, but I am so proud of the man he has become. He's a father of three, and one good dad.

What I'm trying to say is look, if you can, beyond today and tomorrow. Imagine your twins in the future and the people they will become. Your path is twisted and rough now. Come back here for loving support and understanding. Let us be with you on this journey.

Anonymous said...

No, No, No, last commenter! You can't know what your twins will turn out like, if you have them, and you have to be prepared to have and love and raise them even if they turn out to be criminals, psychopaths, mental patients, of MacDonald's burgerflippers. What if you have them at such great cost to your health and sanity and they turn out to be, say, sleazy used car salesmen? Then what? Parenthood is preparing to accept whatever child you get, not the child you want. Plenty of us who are far enough into the parenthood journey to have the "results" come in do not like the persons our children have become, but we cannot judge outselves by that.

You have to be willing to make the journey in itself your goal, not the outcome.

mothergoosemouse said...

My surprise #3 (conceived in spite of my IUD) will arrive in less than three weeks. I can identify with so much of what you wrote, and while I know I will love this unexpected baby, I don't relish the imminent upheaval and its effects on my sanity.

Thinking of you, and wishing us both luck.

mrinz said...

Twins!! Congratulations.

It will be a hard slog but you can do it. Double the work but double the rewards also.

We have twins in our family. One of the secrets is be organised and accept help.

Every offer of help that comes your way, seize on it and take advantage of it.

Anonymous said...

I know this may not sound like much help but I do understand where you are and have been. I had two small children ages 5 & 2 when I found out that in very short time I would be having triplets (yes concieved on birth control). Let me say this, it can be done and you will survive. I wish I could be more consoling but I truly seem to be at a loss for the right words.

Anonymous said...

Wow.
I will probably get blown away by a hail of angry comments, but all I can say is.......you are a grown woman, already a mother of 2, already diagnosed with PPD, and you "miss a single pill" and then bemoan the fact that you got pregnant. Time to start taking some responsibility for your actions and stop crying about the results.

Get yourself to a doctor, get on some appropriate medication, and if you are, as you claim " repulsed by infants", after the twins are born, get your tubes tied.

pippa said...

To the last Anonymous...

I was in the same situation only I had three kids, and had been diagnosed with PPD and a helluva lot more. What would you have suggested for me, as I'd already HAD my tubes tied?

I'm always amazed at the number of people I see making comments who have never made a mistake and had to live with bigger ramifications than they could have imagined.

Anonymous said...

To Pippa~~~ How do you know whether or not I have made mistakes, and how I chose to live with the ramifications? I have certainly made my share of mistakes. However, I have tried to deal with them in a mature and thoughtful manner, starting by not becoming pregnant again and again if overwhelmed already.

The poster is NOT a child. If she truly did not want to become pregnant once more she would have been very, very careful about avoiding an unwanted pregnancy. It really is not hard. If she is that unhappy about accidentally becoming pregnant, she would be doing more than "hoping this time is easier".

She is the one who said she was " repulsed by infants". She also claims that she was a person "never into babies" but she keeps having them.

Some of us learn from our mistakes. Some complain about them and then go on to repeat them over and over again.


Every child should enter this world feeling wanted, not resented. I stand by my original recommendation.......and it has nothing to do with whether or not humans make mistakes. It has to do with how we choose to learn from them.

pippa said...

I noticed that you didn't answer my question. What would you have told me to do? My blog entries from 3 years ago would have looked much like this one. And I'd done every possible thing in my power to NOT have more children.

I could only ASSUME you were perfect because of your desire to correct this poster's life choices. Lots of people don't like infants, including mothers of several children who are loved and adored. I personally love them and if I didn't have to actually be pregnant with them and pay for college, I'd order a steady supply from Amazon Fresh. But they are exhausting little lumps of eating, pooping, sleeping, crying steamed broccoli, and I can certainly understand how that can outweigh the sweet baby smell and neck nuzzles I personally enjoy.

This poster was looking for support, but in the true spirit of women everywhere, you decided it was an opportunity to instruct not only the poster, but others as well. I personally think tube tying is a huge mistake, because it can end up with YET ANOTHER BABY. That's my experience, but I certainly don't go around to various blogs and explain to other mothers that they are wrong.

My youngest was horribly resented. I had three children, one very ill, and the two older ones with developmental delays. I had more on my plate than I could handle, and here I was, pregnant again, and on TOP of it, I had hyperemesis. Ever known anyone who had it with a pregnancy? I kept NO food down. Nothing. I lost 20 pounds in my first three months pregnant. I was hospitalized. I went around with a garbage can lined with grocery bags because I'd vomit with no warning wherever I was. My kids who were potty training thought toilets were just for puking. Did I resent that baby? You'd better believe it. Did I look to my friends and my blog readers for support? Yes, and yes. Did it help get me through it knowing I wasn't the only woman who'd ever felt that way? Abso-frickin-lutely.

My husband has a theory about why men rule the world. It isn't that they are smarter or that they are more powerful, because in general, he usually concedes that women are both. He likes to point out, though, that women are so determined to know it all and beat each other down that we'll never rule the world. It's posts like yours that make me think maybe he's right. Tell me, what does your comment do for the poster? Other than make her feel worse?

Anonymous said...

Pippa~~~ Hopefully, it gives her a dose of reality. No one is trying to beat the poster down. No one CAN correct her life choices except for her. It seems as if she is not trying to do that.

You can assume my comments were instruction. They were not. The poster came to a public Blog, aired her story and asked for comments. I gave one. Somehow, for you, that translated into me bashing the poster. That isn't my issue. It's yours.

I would have told YOU that I sympathized with you. Your pregnancy was truly unavoidable as you had done everything medically possible to avoid it. That is the glaring difference between you and the poster. You attempted to do what was responsible for you and your kids. You admit as much.

She keeps repeating the same mistakes and doesn't seem to accept her share of responsibility for them. Then she publicaly claims to be unhappy about the results.

And yes, I know all about hyperemisis.

I would personally have LOVED to have many, many more children. Financially, emotionally and physically, I was forced to make choices for myself and the child I already had. I put my child's welfare and my mental health first and DECIDED not to have any more babies. Raising one happy, healthy child and keeping my sanity necessitated that I assure there would be NO unwanted or unexpected pregnancies. So that's what I did.

To bring another baby into the environment that the poster described, in my opinion is irresponsible and could easily have been avoided.

If that reality makes the poster feel worse, that is unfortunate, but sometimes, reality hurts.

House Frau said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

To anonymous,

I DID NOT miss one single pill. I am a SAHM in an upper middle class neigborhood. I have plenty of money and room for these babies. I am going to deal with it.

Your comments make me regret posting here. I was having a terrible day when I wrote to bad mother and I needed to vent because I cannot share my feelings with family members who do not know the extent of my PPD in the past. When I shared it with people I thought were friends previously, I was judged harshly and criticized for being on Prozac. Just like you judged me.

I am not having an abortion, and not getting on antidepressants now because I am not depressed but overwhelmed. I am going to get the help I need.

And how am I not resposible? What mistake did I make? Being too fertile? I DID NOT MISS A PILL BITCH. The pill is 99.9% effective!

So, to anonymous, a big FUCK YOU!!
Reading your comments are making me sick. Thanks for the help.

From,

The orignal anonymous poster

Her Bad Mother said...

Okay, whoa.

First of all, anonymous poster: I am so sorry that the comments got a bit carried away. When these things happen, I try to think of it as if an outspoken friend had said something that we don't want to hear - expressing an opinion that we don't like, but an opinion nonetheless. Which is why I try to avoid deleting comments - so that everyone gets the flavor of the full (and sometimes too libvely) conversation.

That said - and this would be second of all - all commenters here should try to remember to be as tactful as possible making comments that you think might sting (and if you think something might be hurtful, maybe rethink it altogether). I don't think that there is any such thing as an entirely judgement-free space, but we do want to try to remain as *gently* open-minded here as possible, to keep it a welcoming space.

Anonymous poster, I'm so sorry if the comments here were hurtful to you. As it's your post, if you'd like any comments deleted, let me know and in this case I'll oblige. Otherwise, I'll leave the discussion as is, so that other readers can get the full spectrum of opinions.

xo all.

HBM

Lindsay said...

To support the poster, they say pills are 99% effective, but all my friends got pregnant on the pill! It was not your fault.

One pharmacist told me that pills are 99% effective only if it is the right dose for you! You could be more fertile than average, and need a different pill (I was told).

A question I would like to ask everyone (since I am not a mother and don't know) is that if someone is in dire situation, and the quality of life for her current kids would certainly get affected because of another pregnancy, is it so wrong to consider abortion?

Anonymous said...

They say we have choice. But look at all of us who got pregnant on birth control despite our attempts to control our lives.

I would so it is not so wrong to the above question. I had an unplanned, unwanted child and I regret my choice every day of my life.

Check out the book Soul Crisis, for a married woman with two children and plenty of money and security who chose abortion for the sake of her existing children.

I would guess this poster's husband would not countenance abortion.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry this is so hard for you. It's SO hard to be 'done' and then have a surprise. It's hard to have your vision of the rest of your life change. It's hard to 'look forward' to all the hardships of pregnancy and small babies (and to remember the good things). And especially when your last pg was so difficult for you. And twins must be so much more overwhelming. I really wish the best for you and hope this pg is different (they say they all are different - I hope they are right and this one is good). Good luck and anonymous positive vibes coming your way

Anonymous said...

Wow. I have twins and found out I was carrying TWO when my daughter was 9 months old so I FEEL YOUR PAIN. :-) I was so upset and everyone else around me was like "what is your problem". Get help, get a doula, read lots of books and by jeebus if you need a glass of wine at night drink it - better than kicking the @#$# out of your husband like you might want to! ;-)

Good luck. All I can say is IUD. It rocks. REally. I'm fertile myrtle and no pregnancy in 11 years.

Anonymous said...

First of all a big thank you to HBM for creating this venue for all of us to get things off our chest and to support each other. Also, a big thank you to all the wise and supportive posters who provide support, shared / related experiences and insight.

A few simple truths as I know them:
People cope better when they feel supported. You don't have to agree with someone in order to be supportive. You are responsible for how your message is received. And, to quote a Jewel song, "only kindness matters in the end".

My heart goes out to the brave people who post here. They have taken the first step by being aware of the problem and putting it into language. They are simply asking for our support, insight, and /or shared experience while they take inventory of their options and try to weigh the pros and cons and predict the consequences before they try to choose a course of action, before they decide what to do. Let's try to live our lives (and our posts) in a way that makes it easier, not more difficult, for someone else to live their life.

You can never really understand completely what another person is going through. We are all individuals. You can never understand the crapshoot of inherited brain biochemistry and experience in life to date that make a person who they are. All you can do is listen, without judgement, as they try to explain the situation to the best of their understanding at the time.

When you speak / write you define yourself, the other person is already defined.

Only kindness matters in the end.

People cope better when they feel supported.

Anonymous said...

I hummed and hawed about writing this in this space but, as it is a related topic, and might help someone, I decided to go ahead.

Some oral contraceptives (birth control pills) need to be taken at the same time every day to be effective. If you are off by any amount of time, e.g. hours, you should consider yourself unprotected and use an alternate / additional contraceptive for a period of time (maybe a condom). Please check this fact with the physician who precribed your oral contraceptive.

I say this, without prejudice, to anyone who might not know this information about their oral contraceptive of this information.

Jaelithe said...

My one and only child (so far) was a really terrible sleeper, and my fear of experiencing the same severe sleep deprivation if I should happen to have another child with the same problem is one of the main reasons I haven't had another baby yet, even though part of me really wants to. Going six months averaging 3-4 hours of interrupted sleep each night, without a single full nights' sleep during that entire period, really does make a person INSANE. So I really understand how your sleep situation with your last child, which sounds like it was even worse than mine, could give you an aversion to babies.

I really hope you can find good support in this situation. It sounds like your family has not been supportive regarding your PPD. Are there any friends in the area you can trust? Can you talk to your OBGYN about finding support services?

First and foremost, I would recommend insisting on a maid service for the first few weeks after the babies are born, so that you won't have to do any housework. Just tell your husband he needs to make it happen. Is there any way you could send the older sibs to stay the night at grandma's house once a week while the twins are newborns, too?

Jaelithe said...

P.S. If you really can't afford a maid service, I bet if you put up a "donate" button on your blog your readers would make it happen.

Anonymous said...

Ok, first of all, do not listen to anyone who tries to demean you, your feelings or your choices. PDD is a hormonal, neurological and biological response which occurs sometimes. Anyone who judges you here either had never experienced it, is ignorant about the medical facts surrounding it, or for whatever reason, feels obliged to take an "anonomous" moral high horse with a total stranger. Which is cowardly and weak, ignore that person. Everyone lives a different situation and a different experience. If you need meds, get them.

To the person dishing out the morality lecture....People like you are the reason someone like Andrea Yates goes off the deep end. Women need to know they are not alone, they are not crazy or incompetent. You should hold your opinions to yourself.

Anonymous said...

On birth control pills still, I used to take Minulet and hypricum tea interferes with its effectiveness. It is clearly printed only I'd never realy bothered to read the whole thing. Then I did and was very glad I was never one for hypericum tea. Antibiotics may interfere as well. Just so you all know.

As for abortion, I personally se nothing wrong with it if that's what the family feel is best for them.

Fern said...

To the original anonymous...

I haven't read all the comments because I can't deal with all the bitchery.

That being said, congratulations! And also, oh, I have been where you are and I know it sucks donkey balls.

Twins are a blessing, as everyone and their mother feels compelled to tell you, but they also can feel like a big smack in the face from God when you already have small kids and weren't quite ready for a pregnancy in the first place.

With my last baby, I started on Zoloft the day she was born and never had any sort of depression or anxiety!!! (Most definitely did after my twins and my other singleton.)

I won't blather on and on here but if you visit my blog and click on the labels "twins" or "mob mentality" or "the crazy", especially posts from 2004 and 2005, you'll know you're not alone in feeling less than thrilled. It will be okay.

Mbdiamond said...

I feel for where you're at. We were done with diaper bags and just finding our groove as a family of 4 when our unplanned (and carefully avoided!) #3 came along. I cried...I bawled...I cursed. It took me a month before I could share the devastating news with family. And several months before I could tell anyone else. And I was more than half-way through the pregnancy before the acceptance and yes, joy finally came. We also had nothing left from our baby days... it was hard starting over - and being thrust back into baby and toddlerhood.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel though.

She turns 3 this June... and she has transformed our little family - in too many good ways to count.

I'm going to give you my congratulations... even if you still don't feel like celebrating yet! ;)