Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Hold On, Or Let Go?

Posted by Anonymous

My relationship with my husband used to be a source of great strength and comfort for me. We were a team. We could rely on one another and we enjoyed each other’s company. I couldn’t wait to see him at the end of the day.

Then we decided to have a baby and everything fell apart about halfway through my pregnancy. My husband quit his job from one day to the next without discussing it with me and without a back-up plan. When the baby was born we had to move back to his hometown to make ends meet. I had to leave my job.

I stayed at home for a year with my son before starting a freelance business. Eventually I began to overcome my anger with him for what had happened. We were beginning to rebuild our relationship. Then I discovered that he had been lying to me for years – almost since we met – about something to do with his family that had a direct impact on me. Again, I felt angry and foolish.

I considered leaving him, but I couldn’t afford to, and I didn’t know where I could go. I didn’t want to be a single mother, and I didn’t want our son to grow up traveling back and forth between us.

I tried to overcome my anger, to forgive my husband and trust him again, but the resentment is still there. It doesn’t go away, and I don’t know how to rebuild the open, trusting relationship we used to have.

My business is doing well now. I make as much as my husband. Last year I earned more. When my husband suggested we move to a new town closer to where he works so we would see each other more in the evenings and hopefully work through some of our issues, I agreed. I knew that moving would absorb the resources I had set aside as a way out if I needed one and so I committed myself, financially and emotionally, to staying with him.

Things have improved somewhat. I’m in therapy now, and although it has been fairly helpful, there has not been a dramatic improvement. I am still fearful that he will deceive me again and resentful for having this fear.

I just found out that I am newly pregnant. I do want another child, but I am paralyzed with fear that this pregnancy will lead to the complete deterioration of my relationship with my husband and ruin my chances of financial independence for a long, long time. Which makes me wonder if I am really all that committed in the first place.

Why can’t I just let go?


Shania said...

Let it go? Why should you? Has he shown any remorse or indication that he won't repeat the same behavior? I think that we women (some of us) tend to feel guilty about the anger that we are fully entitled to feel. He's burned you, you're scarred. That's not to say that it can't be overcome, but the fact that you have a get-out-of-dodge fund speaks volumes. If he's willing to work on the issues with you, that's wonderful and worth pursuing. If not, well, that speaks volumes also. I hope things get better for you and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Anonymous said...

Shania - You hit the nail on the head as far as my guilt for being angry. For years I have wished the anger away because it has seemed like my anger is the only thing keeping us apart. God. I never thought of it that way though.
In response to your questions: he says he doesn't regret quitting his job (he hated it) but he's sorry it was so hugely traumatic to me at a vulnerable time. I imagine in the same situation he would do it again, but hopefully discuss it with me first. As for the lying, he says he "doesn't know why he lied."
But, aside from this, he is a good guy. This is the only blight in our marriage. Everything else is wonderful, which is why I want to overcome this.

Anonymous said...

You mentioned that you are in therapy. Does he go with you or has he gone in the past? Perhaps his owning up to why he was deceitful might help you let go. How can you forgive and move on if he's not even asking for forgiveness?

Good luck with everything.

Anonymous said...

I don't think, as you state in the comment above " everything else is wonderful". If it was, you wouldn't be questioning yourself about your anger, your desire to leave and the new pregnancy.

Chris said...

You can never let go and you can never forget. It will always be there. What you can do however is forgive and move forward. Easier said than done right, but if you truly want to be happy this needs to be done. Also, he needs to acknowledge and know what he has done to you so that it won't happened again...