Monday, June 09, 2008

Home Sick

Posted by Anonymous.

two days ago she told me that the doctor has called for a test. a bone marrow test. she is my little sister and i have to help hold her while she faces what may be leukemia. maybe. i've spent two days distracting her/myself from what she describes as 'this demon inside me.'

fucking fuck.

fuck.

no seriously, fuck. i'd never say it to her, but this isn't fair. cause it's not just that, it's the triple threat. it's the my-mom-was-diagnosed-with-parkinson's-six-months-ago-my-other-sister-was-diagnosed-with-ms-one-month-ago-and-now-my-sweet-precious-love-her-like-my-daughter-sister-is-facing-the-C-word triple threat.

and i'm treading water. like a madwoman.

i wish it was me. seriously, i wish it was me who had this and not her. i always wondered how people could want to take something so horrible from someone and bear it themselves and now i get it and i wish it was fucking me.

she keeps saying that she feels homesick. like when you're visiting your grandparents over the summer as a kid and the whole day is consumed by sunny fun and then you get back to their house and sleep in a strange bed with sheets that don't smell the same in a room that's just a little too cold on a pillow that's just a little too thin and your stomach aches for home.

only, she is home, and she feel's like that.

shit shit shit shit shit.

i keep drawing a blank when she asks me where the hope is supposed to come from. how am i supposed to face this with her?

6 comments:

katesaid said...

I completely understand wishing to carry the burden yourself. Life isn't fair that way - but knowing you're there and with her and ready to face the scary stuff and the unpleasant stuff as well as the fun stuff... that's very powerful, and she's incredibly lucky to have you.

Jaelithe said...

Best wishes to you both.

My little sister nearly died once. It was hell. (And we don't even get along, really. But that doesn't stop me from loving her.) The natural instinct of the older sibling is to protect the younger one. It's just our job to do it. We feel like failures when we can't.

I think all you can say when she asks where the hope is supposed to come from is, "I don't know. But you have me, even when you don't have hope." That's a powerful thing to be able to say to someone, you know. "No matter what happens, I'll see it through with you." Not everyone has someone in their lives who can offer such assurance.

You are doing a good job.

motherbumper said...

I am constantly protecting my sister and brother and can relate to this. Jaelithe is right, you are doing a good job. Someone who wasn't, wouldn't care enough to reach out for help themselves.

Rebekah said...

Just love her and support her however you can. I am glad you have each other and am hoping she is okay. Sisters are the best.

Anonymous said...

Best wishes to you and your sis. I can only imagine the heartache you're going through, and my thoughts are with you.

Laura said...

This is just so sad. Best wishes to you and to your whole family.