Sunday, September 07, 2008

Deep, Dark and Dirty

Posted by Anonymous.

That is my secret. A secret that tears me apart mentally & physically and has every day for a year now. Today is the kinda anniversary of my first realization of it. I'll just go ahead and come out with it, though I've never been able to speak the words aloud, even to myself. I have a problem. A BIG problem. I am addicted to prescription pain medicine. Vicodin to be exact.

This has gone on for a year now and it seems so insane it has been this long. I know the first thing anyone reading this will think is to automatically judge me and think badly of me as a drug addict. I hate that term and all the feelings associated with it. To me, it sounds like some cowering thieving no good dirty rotten teeth creature hiding behind a dumpster shaking and sweating ramming needles in its arm. That's the mental image a lot of people get associated with the term drug attic. I know I did, I thought the same thing, until I realized I was one. Yet I am far from that visual to the eye. Did anyone hear Cindy McCain was addicted to pain meds back in the late 90's? I know it made me not feel SO horrible and trashy about my problem, though I know it doesn't justify shit.

I didn't intend on acquiring this awful habit, as I'm sure nobody sets out to do so. I had a surgery last year that had many complications resulting in lasting pain, thus me staying on the pain medication longer than originally intended. After the first week or so of taking them, I didn't really feel buzzed off of them like I did in the beginning. They just took the pain away and I could function. A few months later when I tried to stop taking them, I felt AWFUL.At the time, I didn't realize it was from stopping them, but knew I felt better when I had been taking them. For 3 days I walked around (or tried to) and just could not function. The mental anguish of anxiety and feeling like I was just gonna lose it, crying non stop, sweating profusely alternating with cold sweats, the diarrhea SO bad I couldn't go further than 4ft from the toilet. Looking back - Now I know what it was, it was withdrawals. At that time I didn't even have a clue it was related to the drug use but I knew I felt better ON them. And it wasn't considered a bad thing in my mind at the time. The Dr had given them to me for a valid reason and told me to take them. So I started taking them again - and felt back to "normal".

When my Dr suddenly quit writing them for me, I was worried. I enjoyed this feeling, not only did it give me the boost of energy to go about my daily routine, but it made the previous depression I had so long suffered with almost disappear. The past 2 years in my family's life has been pure hell, one thing after another with me being the targeted victim getting the brunt of it all. This could & should be a separate post in itself ---> I went through a stressful complicated pregnancy in late 2005 - early 2006 alone (though I was married), only to find out my husband had been having an affair the entire time and was planning on leaving me and taking our older child with him. (All of these events could be a novel in themselves so I'll try to keep it short. And I KNOW it is not an excuse for MY behavior or to blame for my problem. I'm just trying to convey the level of stress causing and contributing to my depression.) After a long painful 3 months of living with this horrid situation trying to make it work, hubby and I decided to part ways. After learning all the down and dirty details of this affair (thanks to his slut bag mistress telling me EVERYTHING I never wanted to know - I drove myself insane with rehashing these memories over and over!), doubled with the PPD, no, tripled with a screaming colicky baby that wouldn't let me put her down = I was a basket case.

So he was leaving, and I had no where to go. 4 days before he was to leave, he was diagnosed with 2 very horrible types of cancer (karma?) and was given 2 weeks to live. It was the scariest situation I have ever been through in my life. I couldn't leave him lying there on his death bed, although I truly hated him for all he had done to me. I was stuck. So I did the humane thing I knew I SHOULD do, against the advice of my closest girlfriends at the time, and stayed. I stayed with him throughout all of the chemo and hospital stays and nursed him back to health at home for an entire year. Supposedly, everything was "better". This life changing event was supposed to make everything all better - but I still had all of those horrible feelings crammed down inside me. Just because he got better, those feelings never went away. All that stuff was still there, merely pushed aside for a bigger crisis. However I was the only one who seemed to remember it and feel it. I had no closure on the situation.

He got better and went back to work, leaving me at home with the now 1 year old and an 8 yr old. Alone. Day & night while he tried to make up for a year's lost wages. I was alone with the baby during the day until my son came home from school, just them, me, and my insanity. All the depression was still there, just like it had been since I was 15 years old when my parents started me in therapy for it. But I quit after I became pregnant with my first child at age 18 thinking the baby would bring joy and hope into my life and I wouldn't be depressed anymore. Not to mention the antidepressants I was on were fairly new, and the effects on an unborn child were unknown - so I quit taking them. Plus, I had to focus on him, not me anymore. It got a little better in the first few years I had him, being a busy young Mom trying to make a life for us. I didn't have time to sit around and worry about how I felt. Hubby and I grew together and made a life for our new young family. Things were better. Until the 2nd baby mess came about and all that drama.

Off and on I have struggled with this addiction, hating myself, feeling ashamed, trying several times to get off of them on my own only to go right back to them. I've tried everything, replacing them with other meds, tapering them down to lessen the withdrawals but nothing ever works. Not with where I am. Now I have to find them "on the streets". Just like those creatures behind the dumpsters. Humiliating. Hubby KNOWS fully about my problem, and even gets them for me so I'll be "OK" because he hates to see me like that. He also plays sort of a (really fucked up demented) game with them, making me agree to do sexual favors for him in exchange for him getting them. The few times I tried quitting on my own I never made it past the 3rd or 4th day being stuck on the couch, unable to function or even get up or think and be the super Mom everyone expects of me. That I HAVE to be. Maybe if I were alone, not solely responsible for a high demands 2 yr old screaming at me ALL DAY LONG, I could lay in bed and eventually get over it. But with the responsibilities I have now, I can't accomplish both. I just can't do what I need to do where I'm at right now. So hubby does his work, calling around, and brings me some asking if I feel better now. (I know, he is awful for enabling me, I hate it too).

I have had countless break downs curled into a fetal position on my bed crying, BEGGING him to PLEASE let me go to rehab and get help.But he just kinda blows it off with the opinion of the fact that he grew up with parents submersed in addiction and has no sympathy for it cause "it's all in your head". He is desensitized to it all. He just says, "Oh, you'll be alright, it's not that bad, you just need to grow some balls and get over it.You're making it a bigger deal than it is." But then the next day or so he'll come home with some and say, "I just want you to be happy." Every time I bring up rehab, he has a million reasons of why NOT. Because it would be an embarrassment to our family, he can't take off work to keep the kids... It's even harder because I am literally a stuck at home Mom with NO car, no way to go anywhere, take my kids anywhere, go to the store, or especially take myself to the Dr. I have always depended on either hubby or my Mom taking me where I needed to go. Now that Mom is not talking to me, I am really stuck, not to mention lonely as she was my best friend, my ONLY friend.

Earlier this year, I went into my OB/GYN for my check up and saw one of 9 Dr's practicing there. (Not my regular sweet loving compassionate female Dr that offered me nerve pills at my 6 week PP follow up when I told her about the affair...and I didn't accept them but it was the thought that counts to me.) I saw a male Dr, the one I like the least,a cocky prick by his manner, but he was all that was available. I broke down sitting on the exam table telling him everything thinking he would immediately offer help and support and actually FUCKING HELP ME or something. Seeing where I am today, you can probably guess that didn't go as planned. He said that was not his department or place and his words were so sharp and hurtful saying stuff like "You're going to hurt your entire family with this, not just yourself, and how horrible and selfish of you to do this to your children. They usually take drug addict's kids AWAY from them and place them in foster care..." The first few comments WERE true, all of it I already knew but still, he had NO compassion or tact at all. Like I hadn't thought all those same things! But the threat of having my kids taken away???? Scared the living shit out of me!!! I ran from his office crying and praying he didn't call the cops on me.

I do have family, that if it came down to it, would keep my kids for me. But as of right now, we are not on speaking terms because of a fight we had and I don't want to face them - not in the state I am in now. They're close to knowing, they know something is going on, but not exactly what. It kills me to be estranged from them after being SO close my entire life literally working together, eating together, always being at each other's house, talking on the phone 20 times a day. But I just CAN'T tell them. I can't hurt them like that. They've got enough of their own problems as it is. Besides, there are several other of our family members that have prescription drug problems, and I know how they are treated and viewed among the family. I don't want to be put into that category.

I CAN NOT live like this anymore, I want my old life back, even if it was depressing. I am not the same super Mom I used to be, baking cookies for neighbors and teachers, working hours on end in my garden, playing with my children...I used to have projects that I enjoyed working on, now they're all crammed in the garage for another day. I used to be creative and artistic and find joy in creating things and doing stuff. Now it is all I can do to tread water to keep up with the mandatory daily stuff. Now I stay in my house secretly consumed with counting pills, worrying if I'll have enough for tomorrow, harassing hubby to hunt for more... I don't have any real life friends anymore, I don't talk on the phone anymore or even open my blinds. Son goes to school, hubby goes to work, and daughter and I stay home, inside, killing time until the guys come home. I have the same routine everyday, 2 loads of laundry, the dishes, cooking, keeping daughter content. It is very rare that we leave on any outings during the day, and if we do, I have to make sure I have enough pills to take with me.

It has affected my relationship with my kids too. I know I'm not the same Mommy I used to be and the older child has made random comments about me not being happy and always being grumpy. He takes every opportunity to go home with his cousin after school instead of coming home. I don't blame him, I know it sucks here. I know I am hurting my kids with my addiction and behavior. I feel deep down also that it is affecting HIS behavior, which lately has been spiraling down fast. The guilt alone from that, thinking I am messing my kid up makes me hate myself even more.

I HATE that I have let these horrible things consume me and kill every sign of life I ever had. I HATE being a slave to them and letting them control me. I know I could stop if I could just go somewhere long enough to get better. I have spent countless hours researching online about treatment options, rehab facilities, etc. I found a great one, but it is clear across the other side of the states for me, and it costs $17,000. I know my insurance would cover something here too locally if I could find a place where I could stay long enough to detox and get through the withdrawals. I just can't get through that part here where I'm at. That is the hardest part in my point of view right now. I'd like to find a place that is caring and compassionate with their patients, NOT treating them like they are criminals or 2nd class citizens. The same way most everyone else views the situation, looking down on a user. Believe me, I've gotten down on myself enough as it is. I don't think I could get any lower, my self esteem is completely gone. I've thought all the horrible things and said all the horrible negative things to myself. My biggest fear is reaching out for help and just getting beat down & judged even more - if that is even possible. Also the looming fear that if I do try to reach out for any help on my own, even just calling somewhere would alert authorities somehow and possibly my children being taken away. That alone is enough to keep me hiding this secret, I just won't risk that. I'm not a criminal, I'm not endangering my kids. They are healthy, clean, fed, and have everything and possibly more than most kids do not have the luxuries of. Just not a happy Mommy that they deserve.

Just writing this, is the biggest step I have ever taken in concern to this problem (besides telling Dr Dickhead). I have never let on to ANYONE about it besides my husband who is just as ashamed as I am about it. So this is my deep, dark, dirty secret. I ask that if you do comment, please try to be gentle. I know what a horrible person I am for having this problem, but it can happen to anyone anytime. Everyone says they don't judge other people, but it is impossible to not. It is human nature and we ALL do it whether we realize we are doing it or not. I judge myself every single day, hating myself for being like this and turning into one of "those" people I myself used to judge and think bad about. How did I let myself get this way???

Any advice, suggestions, support, similar stories of I can relate from personal experience or a family member - just anything would be appreciated. In my short time visiting the blogosphere I have seen first hand the love and power that can come from it. I know I need help. I really do want it more than anything in the world. Even if nobody comments at all, at least I said it out loud. It is killing me keeping this for so long.

Today is one of those days where I am down to only having 1 left, and nervously await hubby to try to meet up with "the guy" after work to get more. If it does not work out, tomorrow will be hell and all the days after until I can find some.

I just want out.

41 comments:

Krista said...

I'm sorry I don't have any help for you. I have my own deep secrets... and actually I'm pretty sure everyone does. We're all just too ashamed of everyone else to share them. So, you have a problem. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Everyone has problems (not to make light of yours) and if we would just be open with each other maybe we could all help each other out.
Somehow I don't think that's going to happen in our judging society (like you said).
I do hope you can find some place to go and detox safely. Don't quit asking for help. Can you call an anonymous help line and get a referral? Call your insurance company anonymously and just ask what their coverage is?
Don't give up!

witchypoo said...

It's shameful that your medical care provider did not warn you that these drugs were addictive.
It is shameful that your husband makes you whore to him for drugs.
He has no interest in seeing you get healthy. He has the power while you are ill.
This is the payback to you for you nursing him back to health after he was ready to abandon his family.
It is very very easy to become addicted to painkillers. It's why they are so dangerous. Please try to mend fences with your family. Even if they are disfunctional, they love you for the long haul. You cannot afford this isolation.
Even if they judge you, they will most likely help with child care while you seek recovery. They love your children, don't they?
Sending you dreamtime healing.

Mrs. Natasha Sawatzky said...

I think you should call your mother and tell her. Tell her you need her to help you or to get someone to help you. I know it's hard to ask for help when your fighting with someone, but she is after all your mother. I think she'll help you *i hope she'll help you* Maybe get her to keep the pills and only take a certain amount each day and slowly wean yourself off of them.. I've heard of that working, but i know for a fact the only way it will is if someone won't back down to the begging and pleading for more. And its definately better if they don't live with you. How many do you usuall take a day? I dunno i think maybe trying to wean yourself off them or detox is your best bet and that you should tell your mom, so you have someone to talk to about it and someone who might help you, because obviously that useless bastard *sorry* husband of yours is never going to help you, which is completely disgusting considering what you did for him. I hope you get yourself some help, FOR YOU, not anyone else and that you will soon be happy again, living a normally life and being the mother you once were

supertiff said...

i'm going to go ahead and comment with my real name and URL, because this is THAT important.

i've had a HUGE vicodin problem. in fact, i should probaly say that i still have one...i think it's kind of like quitting smoking. i haven't taken any pills, but i still think about them.

you haven't said how much you've been taking, but i'll go ahead and throw it out there that, for a time, i was taking between 12 and 15 "big ones"--not the 7.5's, but the 10's--EVERY SINGLE DAY.
i can tell you that i had days when i felt so humiliated and defeated by my dependency that i SERIOUSLY thought that maybe i would be better off dead.

it's been almost a year since i popped one of those pills, and i know now that i'm definitely NOT better off dead.

i didn't have to go into an inpatient place...i just googled and found a local doctor who could prescribe suboxone. look it up. but, be careful! there are a lot of doctors out there who will try to keep you on it forever because it makes them a lot of money. i never took as much of it as the doctor prescribed, and i would wait to take one until i started feeling "twitchy."
(for me, that was always the first sign that withdrawal was setting in...well, no. that's not true. first, my back would start to hurt, and then i would get twitchy. but, whatever.)

the point is, there is a way to get through this.
i won't lie, there is no magic cure for the fact that once you're clean you will encounter trying situations and think to yourself: "damn, it would be awesome if i had some vicodin right now." but, suboxone can get you though those horrible DT's without having to go away and leave your kids with anyone.

if you want it bad enough, your own self will be enough to get you through the rest.

please PLEASE email me if you have any questions.
i know you feel horrible right now, and i know you feel like everyone will think you're the scum of the earth, and i know this because i felt the exact same way.

but, you know what?
i'm not the scum of the earth. and neither are you.

you can do this.
YOU CAN.

p.s.in case it doesn't show up, my email is tiff@supertiff.com
if there's anyone else out there reading this who needs a little help or a point in the right direction, please feel free to email me. i am proof that it can be okay. don't be afraid.

tif said...

oh, sweetie. you aren't a bad person. you are just stuck between a rock and a hard place. if i were you i'd pick up the phone and call your mama. and see if she can help you...deep down, i'm sure she wants to. that's what moms usually want for their kids. is there somewhere with free counselling available in your area? we have that here, with city trollies that can pick people up. good luck, and i'm so so sorry you are facing such a trial all alone.

manicmanicurist said...

Nope. Not a bad person at all.
Your husband? and that doctor?? those are BAD PEOPLE.

I hope you get the help you need and soon...

Wish I could help more.
(hug)

Anonymous said...

You are not a bad person and anyone judging you for an addiction following surgery clearly does not understand the nature of addictions. I wish I had some help for you but it looks like a commenter above does. I hope you get help.

carolyn said...

My heart is breaking for you and I wish so much that I could help you. You have so much on your plate.

Your husband is being abusive. Have you thought about calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233? They will understand and can get you pointed in the right direction. With somewhere to go and someone to help with the kids you can start to take care of yourself.

Please post again and let us know what happens.

Anonymous said...

You are not a bad person. You are not a weak person. You are struggling with a disease called addiction, and it is a bitch.

I'm a nurse and I work at an inpatient detox. You might be surprised if you knew how many women we see that come in for reasons very similar to yours. And these women really do very well once they decide to make a change, and medical supervision really does alleviate the worst of the withdrawal symptoms.

Another poster mentioned the medication Suboxone - please look into this. It can be given on an outpatient basis if you cannot find a way to swing an inpatient stay. Suboxone.com can give you a list of providers in your area. These providers are experts in the area of addiction treatment and have a special license to prescribe this medication. Even if they decide on a different path of treatment, they can point you in the right direction for the resources you need. And asking for help does NOT trigger an investigation into your life with your children.

Your doctor was negligent and truly did an awful thing to you when you asked for help and he brushed you off. Please gather your courage and try again, it IS possible to overcome this.

Anonymous said...

I don't have any advice. I'm not sure what the next step is.

What I am here to say is that you are a great and wonderful person. Your addiction is bad and dirty and wrong. Your addiction drives the behavior that you're ashamed of. It isn't you.

You are worthy of love. You are lovable. You deserve love. You deserve a fuckload better than you're getting from your piece of shit husband. Or your doctor.

I just wanted to say that I'm here, I care, I understand. You aren't bad. You aren't even a bad mother. You have a bad addiction. It's treatable. You have the courage to get help.

You matter. We care. You're worth help and life and love and joy. You're worth a lot more than you're getting.


~sending the biggest hug the interwebs can deliver~

Anonymous said...

I have no advice. I just sat here and cried for/with you.

I just want to send you hugs and love, and more hugs.

And I want to tell you that YOU are NOT a bad person.

CageQueen said...

Unfortunately you are correct that sterotypes do exist in regards to addicts. We know addiction well in my family nad every single person who has struggled with a problem is a high fcuntioning memeber of society earning more than six figures.

Your husband should be ashamed of HIMSELF for treating you thiw ay in your time of need. Nobody ever intends to be an addict and he could learn a few things about compassion.

Fearing your children will be taken away should not be your primary concern over getting better. I work in the systems all day long and say with certainty that they want to keep you and your kids together because at the very least it is easier on them!

The kids have already been taken away. From you, emotionally, that is. You owe it to them and yourself to seek the support you need. Screw everyone who judges and doesn't support you. That is a reflection on their character and THEIR loss.

Your family just might surprise you. Even if they are harsh to other people suffering the same problem, they still might support you. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have a problem and you need to be proud of yourself for even letting your mind come to this painful place.

Baby steps.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Amy said...

You are NOT a horrible person. Horrible people deliberately try to hurt other people. You are hurting yourself in order to avoid hurting other people.

I second all the advice above. Call a crisis line (check your phone book), call your insurance company, call the domestic violence help line, call a minister, call everyone you can think of, and KEEP CALLING until someone answers with help. Also try the National Drug Information Treatment and Referral Hotline: 800-662-HELP (4357)
(Information, support, treatment options and referrals to local rehab centers for any drug or alcohol problem. Operates 24 hours, seven days a week). Or the Alcohol and Drug Abuse Helpline and Treatment: 800-234-0420.

I think you need to drop your husband off at work (and don't listen to any excuses) so that you can get out of the house on your own. Also, look into public transportation (but it sucks here, and I'll bet it sucks where you are, too). You aren't going to be able to fix this problem without going outside your house. You need transportation to be able to do this.

If your child had these problems, no matter how big of a fight you'd gotten into, wouldn't you want her to reach out to you for help? Your mom feels the same way, Sweetheart, no matter how "horrible" you think you've been. You're still her baby. She'll probably be RELIEVED to be able to explain the trouble with your relationship and blame it on the drugs, rather than on herself or on you.

One step at a time. Call your mom. Call for help. Get out of your bad BAD marriage, get off the drugs, get your life back. Baby steps. You CAN do it.

All the love in the world to you. You can get through this. You are strong. You are worthy. You are a mother, and you can do anything for your kids, right? You can do this. You can.

Gem said...

My mum was addicted to sleeping pills. I was 10? 11? I knew everything that was going on - she even made me lie for her. You know what? I still loved her to pieces. Did it screw me up? Maybe a little bit, for a little while - but teenagers are strange beings and maybe I would have been screwed up anyway! Now I'm a 25 year old good mother with very few issues. Don't worry about your kids. Kids are TOUGH. Tougher than anyone thinks.

You can only quit for you. Do it because you want to. Because you know you're better than those things. Do it because you love yourself. Give your husband hell while you're going through it then sweetie, up and leave because you are better than him.

Anyone who judges any addiction should damn well try being an addict. You will get through this. You will be fine. We all promise :)

Average Girl In Average World said...

Hi! I am new here, but wanted to tell you that you are not alone. My Uncle dies last year of morphine patch overdose, when they found him, he had 8 patches on him.

People hide their addictions very well and I believe you would be suprised to find out who other users are. Some are high class professionals in their line of work, others are those vein popping junkies hiding out behind dumpsters.

Atleast you are voicing your addiction. You acknowledge it. Even after a year. Now, you can take the right steps to fight the addiction.

I wish you all the success in the world.

Emmie {orange + barrel} said...

It made me so sad to read your post because I know so many great people that I have this very same addiction, from surgeries, etc.

One of my very close friends went through this and she is doing great now, and no longer has the addiction to Oxi, not to say that she doesn't struggle. She went to UCLA. I don't know where you live, but I would strongly recommend the program at UCLA. I have seen it change a life.

I have seen how hard it is, and it can happen to anyone.

You are a good woman for staying, and it goes to show how strong you truly are.

Best of Luck, you can do it~

Anonymous said...

I want to start by saying I don't think you are a horrible person. I do think addiction can happen to anyone. And once you are in, it's a bitch to get out. My Brother-in-law is currently in his second stay at a rehab facility (this time he didn't go by choice) due to an addiction to pain meds. I love him, and I can be mad at him sometimes, but I don't think he is an awful person.

I saw a bunch of 'I cant's in there...but you can, and you must, get help. When it comes down to it, it doesn't matter that your husband will be unhappy, or that your family will be unhappy, you must do this for YOU. And you must do it for your children.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to feel healthy. Your children deserve a clean Mom. Those reasons right there are all you need to stand up and find some help. Only you can do it, and I sure hope you do.

Sticky said...

I'll give you the tough advice first.

It will get worse before it gets better, there's no getting out of that.

You cannot get better AND be the mom.

Good Mothers love their children no matter what. Call mommy, tell her your giving her to take the kids. Go to a rehab, your bedroom whatever. Call a taxi if you have to. Drive to the nearest facility, walk in and tell them you really need help. If they can't give you it then you will end up dead. (That would get anyone's attention, no?)

I would rather your family gossip about how you used to be an addict than how it killed you. You would look more foolish then!

When you are better, ditch the man. He is a pile of scum.

I witnessed this very addiction and fortunately it was a smooth ride. But the bad news is that you never stop thinking about it. You will always find a time that you want it. It's stored in a fat cell somewhere and it doesn't plan on departing.

It's amazing to find out when the fog clears just how much you have been missed and loved. And while you may think not, you are in a fog.

What would hubby do if he woke up to find you had left some morning? Gone to get the help you need? Is he responsible enough to get the children proper care?

The good news, there IS A WAY TO GET BETTER! You have to fight for it. Good luck and come back to the basement some day to tell us you're all better, we'll be waiting for you.

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Tell your mother. I'd bet your family would rather know and be able to help than to be estranged and not know what's going on with you. They must be worried. You want to get better, this will help them understand.

Lottifish said...

You are NOT a bad person. You are a wonderful person and Mom for realizing that you have a problem and wanting to get help for it. No amount of money or shame or time should stand in your way of getting help, this is your life we are talking about.

I applaud you for taking this first, very scary step. Please know that there ARE people out there who want to help you. Who want to understand you. I know you can find them.

Take the time to care for yourself. You need too for your sake and the sake of your family. Try writing a list of the steps you need to take to get better and then slowly check off each step. Having a plan always helps me.

Anonymous said...

I know you think your family has their own problems, but a fight wouldn't stop them from helping you with this. Think about how great your life would be if you could trust them to take care of your kids while you go to rehab. Then when you get out, you can take control of your life. Take it back from the pills, and the enabler (who is obviously a butthead by using the pills to control you), and depression. I don't know you, but my heart breaks for you. I don't think you are a bad person. Stuff happens. But I can tell you that as the kid of a depressed, addicted, "grumpy" mom, I would have been much happier if she had gotten help. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Also, just so you know, most communities have people who can help with this. Is it possible for you to talk to the doctor that wrote you the prescription? Could you maybe get advice for help from him? And yes, they do sometimes take babies away from mothers on drugs, but not as often as you think. And not as often once you get help. But if you are ever busted (or the hubby is) buying them, you will go to jail. And you will have a much harder time getting everything straight. Knowing you need help is the first step. You've done the hardest part. You CAN do this. You know you aren't yourself. The world, you and your kids deserve the BEST you!

anna said...

I'm sorry that you are in a tough place right now. I have been where you are, not the same drug, and not the same circumstances, but I know that feeling of desperation and "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization," as we call it in AA. You can recover, and you don't have to feel shame anymore.

I have been sober for over 7 years, and I never went to rehab. It is not easy, but it is simple. If you want to read some of my story (from when I got a DUI), please go here.

Also, please email me should you want to talk--you are not alone.

All my best,
Anna

Veronica said...

I think you ought to ring your mum and talk to her. At the end of the day she loves you and wants what is best for you, even if you are fighting/not talking right now.

Good luck, I am thinking of you.

xx

Anonymous said...

That's strange, because you come across as a strong, dedicated, talented, lively and generous person. Not at all the black picture you paint of yourself. You sound like you were a fantastic high-functioning creative woman - and you will get back to being that when you get better. You don't sound like a drug addict at all - you were sucked into this without knowing what was going on - you didn't DO this to yourself. It almost happened despite you. But you have to get out of it.

You are young, you have so many great times ahead - don't waste time - go get better so that you can continue enjoying life.

I think your mom is more pained than you are about the halt in your relationship. Probably like you, she is too hurt, or is too proud, to pick up the phone. But if you call, she will welcome you back with wide open arms, she's been waiting for that, is waiting for it every minute. You're her baby, after all. At a time like this, you need that relationship back.

Who cares what your family will say? Do it for your husband and kids. Don't deprive yourself and your kids and husband from a good life because of embarrassment. So many people do - but you sound too special and determined - I know you will do the right thing. Call your mom, have the family arrange to take the kids, and go to rehab. You'll know they're in loving hands, and you are doing the right thing, on the road to a great life for all of you.

You are strong, you can do it, you WILL do it.

You sound like a fantastic person who's caught in quicksand - not your fault - but your responsibility to get out. As soon as you do, the great person underneath, who was there the whole time, will resurface.

hugs and best wishes,
Rina.

Lisa said...

Aw sweetie. You are NOT a bad person. You are suffering from an illness. You deserve a better life than you have right now.

If you call your local mental health hotline the should be able to give you a list of doctors who treat addiction. They can also hook you up with support groups. Or check out Narcotics Anonymous at http://www.na.org/. In addition to getting support at meetings you would be given a sponsor who can help you through all of this.

Your husband probably won't. In fact, he'll probably try his best to sabotage your recovery. He's keeping control over you through your illness and through your isolation. Sadly, you're going to have to guard yourself against him. He doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Oh, and about your kids being put in foster care: Not gonna happen. You are still a functioning, caring mother. If the state investigated you (and why would they?) they would see a mom who keeps her kids clean, cooks their meals, takes care of their needs. Drug addicts who lose their kids to the foster care system do so because they aren't taking care of their kids.

Anonymous said...

ASAP--just looked up "soboxcone.com" and, believe me, don't even read the rest of this.....

Mommy Writes said...

Oh, honey, I wish I had advice for you. All I have are affirmations.

You are NOT a horrible person.

You are NOT selfish.

You are NOT going to lose your kids for asking for help.

Hang in there. Try the resources other posters suggested. We (the great wide blogosphere) are thinking of you and willing you the strength to keep taking one step after another.

litanyofbritt said...

i know its hard. all these mamas have good words. get help and you'll be glad you did.'

lose the shitbag husband and you'll be glad you did too.
good luck! i hope things get better for you.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

You are not a bad person. You are very frave for continuing to ask for help even though you've had such horrible luck with the people you've turned to. It's not your fault.

You must get help though. There are help lines that can give you great resources. Also, many companies offer an Employee Assistance Program that helps employees (and spouses) with drug issues or other mental issues. I know I've used mine more than once.

Don't give up. You can beat this but you need to find the people with the tools to help you. You can do this. For yourself and for your children.

Anonymous said...

you need to call CPS yourself, put your kids in foster care on a temp basis and then get to rehab, and get a divorce already
dont wait til you get in a car accident while driving under the influence, or til the dr calls CPS, or your husband starts withdrawing the basic to give you pills, you need to take the step yourself.
dont wait til there is an accident in the home, one of your kids get hurt, and you are too outta of it to help. dont wait til our kids mirror your behaviour, become addicts, be in horrible relationships, even end up on the street.
take action now.

Anonymous said...

If your parents took you to a therapist when you were a teenager, they obviously are people decent enough to care for their daughter when she is broken. Right now, you are broken, sister. CALL YOUR MOTHER. Make amends. Have her help you with the kids while you help you with a reputable doctor. When you are on track, the next call is a lawyer. I'd sue that sonofabitch husband for the house, child support and alimony.

Anonymous said...

Holy shit. This would be me after my C-section if my partner had not insisted I stop the Vicodin the minute I got a buzz instead of regular old relief from pain. I didn't even know I was developing a tolerance. It can happen to ANYONE.

Don't get CPS involved, please; being sent to foster care will break their hearts and make them think it's their fault. Let your mom take them and you both and change the locks on her doors. Get a domestic violence prevention agency in on the picture. Your husband is beyond cruel, and honestly? I wish that cancer had killed him. When you are better, and you will be, file for divorce.

Stanley Poulos said...

Women are more likely than men to suffer from depression, especially during their reproductive years. Rates of depression are higher where stressful circumstances exist such as poverty, lack of education, sexual inequality, poor social support and in pregnancy. Single and adolescent pregnant women are especially at risk. http://www.xanax-effects.com/

Stephan & Mary said...

My first thoughts were not of judgement, they were of sorrow. I cannot imagine what you have gone through in the past few years as I have not been there. I am praying for you - for you health, your getting help, your kids, your marriage. Keep up hope. Keep seeking help. I didn't have time to read all the comments, but I hope you find what you are seeking either here or elsewhere.

Anonymous said...

PLEASE GET SUBOXONE! My husband developed a painkiller addiction after surgery, and suboxone has saved him. It eliminates the craving, keeps you from getting sick when you withdraw from the painkiller, and you cannot take painkillers while on Suboxone because you will feel like shit.

It also helps with my DH's anxiety/depression. You just need to visit a psychiatrist who can prescribe it (not all do). If you have insurance, you can get the meds for about $30 bucks a month.

PLEASE get this med... no rehab required, no time away from your kids. You will feel brand new.

And as for your husband... I am so sorry. He is not helping you get better, and once you ARE better, please think about yourself and what you deserve in life. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

*************************************

First, I want to say the BIGGEST THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to every single one of you that took the time to comment with love, support, and encouragement. I sat and read and reread ALL of them over and over for days. I took the advice of those that had been there and sought out a Suboxone certified Dr.

It took an entire week and was one of the most frustrating things I have ever done dealing with an insurance company that would rather send me to a Methadone clinic indefinitely than really help me. I thought just admitting my problem was the biggest step, but found reaching out for help was the hardest. I was just about to give up last week until Friday afternoon, when a nurse (an angel) called me back from one of the hundreds of places I had called earlier in the week. She is the sweetest thing ever!!! She is understanding and compassionate and TRULY wants to help me. She is THE Suboxone nurse and heads up the program there.

I went in yesterday and sat in her big comfy recliner and poured it all out to her. She hugged me and told me not to worry, she was immediately accepting me into their program and would go to great lengths to do what ever it takes to help me. Yesterday was my last day of pills, I took the last one I had before walking into their office and I don't plan on EVER getting anymore. I also burned the bridge with the guy I used to get them from and am sure he will not EVER be calling me back. I never plan to take that route again!

Today is my first day in over a year with ZERO pills in me or my house. But I am not freaking out like I normally would worrying about getting more and wanting more because I KNOW there will be a fix tomorrow! Tomorrow I go to their office for 4 hours and start my Suboxone monitored closely by them and will be in close contact with them by phone, office visits, and therapy every day after that.

Just having a concrete plan is a huge relief to me and I am excited to start my new life sober and catch up on all the things I have been missing! Especially my beautiful children who deserve a better me and soon WILL have a better me!

I decided it would be better to NOT involve my parents, it would just bring more heartache and stress to our relationship as it is already on thin ice. Mom and I are at least talking now (as of last Tuesday at HER birthday dinner) and I am happy with that. Ironically, tomorrow is my first official day into sobriety AND my Dad's 61st birthday. I will be secretly thinking about the wonderful gift our family will be getting as I know me getting better will ultimately help heal ALL of us.

Surprisingly, the husband has had a moment of clarity after many loooong tearful talks,and desperate prayers from me, I believe he has finally come to his senses. I told him how I felt,openly pointed out how he was acting, and how HIS support could be detrimental to me as he is my ONLY friend right now. I also reminded him of all of the events 2 years ago and how I had literally kept him alive despite all the hurt and heartache he had brought on us. I explained to him that *I* was the one that was sick this time, and desperately need him to return the favor and help ME get better. I also conveyed to him that if I *did* manage to get sober on my own, I would more than likely leave him behind. I am going to get better WITH or withOUT him - but would prefer to give our relationship every chance we could if it mattered to him - cause it does to me. He realized everything I said was true, and got off of work early to take me to my first appt yesterday. He tearfully apologized for his behavior and promised he would walk with me through this and would be by my side tomorrow at my induction. I don't believe anything until I see it, but so far I am hopeful. After we get through this, we will be able to work on the rest of the mess. One thing at a time, one day at a time.

I know and believe in my heart in the powerfulness of prayer, and every single one I received from here is working!!! From the commenters who have been through it first hand to the ones that just offered their tears and love, I am forever grateful. I just wanted to say thank you all for everything, and I look forward to coming back a year from now to celebrate my sobriety!!! I will not only be sober, but I will be alive, physically AND mentally!

Thank you Tiff for the emails, your personal experience was SO helpful and I admire you SO much for your braveness in openly sharing your story!

Thank you ESPECIALLY to HBM, Catherine, for giving me the space here to work through this. This world needs more people like her!!! I hope that one day I could be half the person she is and possibly help another in need!

Thank you everyone SO MUCH again, there just aren't enough thank you's in reach of my key board.

XOXO~ Anonymous

*************************************

Anonymous said...

YAY!!! I came back today in hopes of hearing an update...I am so very happy for you and your family. Sounds like hubby is getting his shit together too. *sigh of relief*.
I knew something positive would come out of this--aren't you glad you came to the Basement? And yes, God Bless MamaCat for creating a space for all our laundry to be aired.
Best of luck to you in your new life!
love,
NanciElizabeth
nkappes@h-mlaw.com

Anonymous said...

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************

So I did it...or at least I tried the hardest I ever could have and Satan dug in his sharp claws and hung on for dear life and this time again, it ended in another snotty nosed, eyes so swollen from crying all day long I couldn't see until this afternoon day just like the last year of my life.

I sat in my dark bedroom again today, just like the last year of my life. But this time I felt like I was "put back" in here, in my hole. As hard as I tried, all the blood, sweat, and tears, and thinking I ever even saw the sun's shadow, and my prayers were answered and FINALLY!!! FINALLY someone reached back to grasp the ends of my fingertips just in time to keep me from going down this black hole even further - it all fell through and I watched them slip away in slow motion too paralyzed to thrust myself at them for just one last chance of making this work.

Because there was a small, but VERY important link missing. What link could be that small in comparison to this whole entire self revolution I've single handedly tried to bring about, to save my OWN life? The microscopic in the light of the big picture measley TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS.

I went on Monday and poured my heart out to someone who I thought, REALLY wanted to help me. Everything was finally squeaking into place, not quite being shoved by force, but just falling into place to the point where I thought thank GOD because I didn't think I could make it another day, I couldn't muster the energy to even drag myself to this place. I did as I was told and was reassured it would all be okay, not to worry, just let go of the rope and they would reel me back in with their invisible harness. The insurance company said they would cover it.

For 2 of the longest, most excruciating mind screaming at me days, I laid and waited. I waited just long enough for my body to come to terms with the new "there will be NO MORE Vicodin" rule. As it started to rebel and violently lash back at me, with my head pounding, my nose running,my stomach and intestines on fire, vomit just a cough away, my skin cold and clammy but a fire burning just beneath it, my brain so mushy I COULDN'T EVEN FUCKING DRESS MY DAUGHTER, if I could just hold on a few more hours, I could FINALLY BE FREE of these little demons and have my life back. If my body would survive long enough to make it to that 10:30am Wednesday morning appt, I would be on the ledge with somewhere to stand.

Here I had just got enough self esteem slapped together to think maybe my life was worth saving...only to find out it wasn't worth more that $250. The $250 that I didn't have in my bank account to pay the Dr that would sign the magic little slip, my passport to freedom and brighter days and greener grass.

I saw glimpses of him, through my blurry tears. I heard the low melotones of his doctor's voice planted firmly there in the doorway. I heard the words and knew the ultimate, but was SO out of my mind sick I couldn't even beg. I just bawled. Hubby said he had to pry me from the big recliner I had previously thought would be my ride to the free world.

With big sad brown eyes my angel looked back at me full of despair, her arms draped lifelessly at the sides of her plump cheery peach sweater. He had pulled the reigns and called it. She had to let go cause you can't bring them all home, despite her knowing the real pain of it first hand from her own past 40 odd years fighting the very same demon. I felt her passion being extinguished as we floated out on the smoke through the waiting room out to the parking lot where I stood next to his shiny new BMW, not even recognizing my own reflection in the wax. Was I not worth saving? A mother? A wife? A FUCKING human? How much did he pay for that detailed wax job?

"I'm not going to tell ya'll to high tail it to the nearest ER cause the next few days? They're gonna really REALLY fucking suck." Ethically she did not say this aloud to us. I didn't even hear it until I had a mouthful of little yellow pills cringing and chewing to hurry up and make it STOP so I could go to my Dad's 61st birthday dinner and smile and pretend I was alive. I smiled when we sang, and like a stranger looked at my father who I don't even recognize anymore due to the last year his health has failed horribly but I've only been in a ringer's reach although I was only 4 blocks away.

"Please come back, on Oct the 6th, 3 days after payday, *ALIVE*, please??? Did the angel speak those words? Or was it the last alive piece of me crying out to the rest of my opioid numb dead body? I still don't know, cause honestly? I can't feel anything. Except the guilt of what I SHOULD be feeling like mourning for my freedom and not having the $250 to pay for it.

~Anonymous

*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you are writing a book.

Anonymous said...

***********************************
My life DOES sound like a book and maybe one day I will publish it.

Happier news is the nurse did some creative construction with the insurance company and worked out a new plan for me that will only cost $45! AND -I get to go TOMORROW and start my treatment and am sooo relieved it will *hopefully* FINALLY be over!

This plan requires me to attend meetings 3 times a week vs the other only being 1 meeting a month, but I will hitch hike if I have to. I could really use the support anyway,and just getting out of the house to clear my mind. The nurse said there are a few other young Mommy's my age in the group in the same situation and would benefit in relating to someone like them.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly tomorrow and I never EVER have to worry about this crap again!

~Anonymous

*******************************************

Erin W. said...

I haven't quite finished reading the follow up post (I will later, just don't have time right now) but I wanted to comment.
Being an addict is not easy. It doesn't matter what you're addicted to, it sucks all the way around. While our stories are really quite different from one another, there is one thing that everyone should be reminded of: no one WANTS to become an addict. No one goes out and tries to become one. In my own personal journey, I partied and just thought I was having a good time, until that good time became a daily routine. For a long time into my addiction I just thought I was just having a better time than everyone else. Eventually the fun faded, but the routine stayed.
My drug of choice was speed, btw.
But sweetie, let me tell you from the experience of HAVING my child taken away for nearly a year, do something for yourself while you can. I know it's hard, and it doesn't sound like you have much support. But you ARE NOT ALONE. And rehab is a great place to develop the beginnings of a support network. Most of the rehabs I've heard of are typically staffed with recovering addicts - people who will not treat you like a second class citizen. You'll find more people like this at private facilities (not state funded) but they are everywhere, trying to make the system better than it was for them.
Oh, there is so much more that I want to say to you, if only I had the time. But since I don't right now, let me leave you with this: I will be 4 years clean and sober on March 1st of 2009. I have worked my ass off to make a better life for myself so that I can in turn provide a better life for my daughter. It has been the toughest struggle I have ever faced - but let me tell you this... I have NEVER felt better about myself than I do now - knowing that I had the strength to see myself through to the end. There are few things that I take personal pride in, but this is certainly one. I feel like I deserve the dignity that I have now, it's not just something I was born with. The fight is worth it. And we're all in your corner.