Thursday, October 09, 2008


Posted by Anonymous.

My husband is a loving, caring person, who spreads himself very very thin to try and provide for everyone who more or less depends on him: myself, his daughter, his sick father, his family, work.

A few weekends ago we started talking about this daughter, as she is going through a phase of crying for just about anything, and doing a lot of emotional blackmail to get attention. She is six and when she is with us she is the center of attention, as she is only with us 4 days a month. We try and make that time as enjoyable as possible, and we all get on great and have a good time together. However, the crying is there every day, for one thing or another, normally "small" things (like spilling her juice, or the sound of cars on the street making her afraid) that is, things that have always been there before but did not ensue tears till now).

During our talk, I realised for the first time that my husband is afraid of this ex-wife, for the simple reason that she has custody of their daughter, and that she has the power to hurt him (like she has done many times in the past). She constantly uses her priviledge to hurt my husband, as she knows his daughter means the world to him. She has done it before, even to the detriment of her own daughter's emotional health, so she can do it again. And he is becoming one of those divorced parents that I always criticised: saying Yes to everything and spoiling his daughter just so that the girl has nothing to say to her mum that could put his rights in jeopardy.

I have set limits to the girl as it's my life and my house as well, and she is a very good kid in general, she loves me dearly and as I said we get on very very well. But, as the father, my opinion is that he should be educating and preparing her for the world, and not spoiling her like he is, specially not due to fear that his ex will do something against him.

I just wish there was something I could do to help him in this situation but I don't see a way. It's a long way until his daughter is old enough to make her own decisions and to see through her mother's actions, and I'm not sure how he will manage this long-term.

And I also fear for how our (future) children might be affected by this. I don't agree with how he brings his child up and my children will be brought up differently, and I wonder if this will cause issues among the siblings.

I don't know anybody in my situation who I could talk to. I've read many books on the subject, but nothing has enlightened me so far.

I love him dearly and I want to help him if I can.


Honeybell said...

I wish I had advice for you, but if you do find some, let me know! Even though we have husbands two boys full time, my husband is reluctant to disagree with his ex for any reason, for fear she'll try to take the boys. She left my husband for his brother, leaving her children behind. She pays no child support, and we know if we ask for it, she'll take us to court.

I wish I had wise words of advice for you, but I have been dealing with ex wife and step children issues for 8 years. Step parenting is a thankless job, and I do have an ear and a shoulder if you need it!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a sad situation.

And not to make it sadder, but you shouldn't be having any children with this man until this issue has been addressed and 'corrected'... because it will just lead to cries of unfairness and misery all around. The existing daughter takes priority; if he can't be a good father to her, emotionally and financially, he has no business having additional children.

Anonymous said...

You need to check yourself- you say the daughter loves you dearly and the only thing you can say is "we get on very very well." That's not right.

I hope your husband is smart enough to not listen to you. Children go through different stages. What is not scary one day might be scary the next. I take it you do not have children, right?

Stop being jealous of a six year old and show some freaking compassion.

Candy said...

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, and I understand where you're coming from. The need to always say yes is a complex one - not only does it entail keeping the ex-wife quiet, but my husband found it hard to say no to anything for fear they'd stop loving him.

I had almost no rights in their rearing, even though it was my house. No rules were ever allowed to be set, and I eventually grew distant when they visited and subsequently, now that they're adults, our relationships are all strained.

I totally understand why your husband is acting the way he is, but I'm encouraged he is at least allowing you to set limits in your home. I think, at age 6, she'll find her way. She may not grow up into the horrible creature you're envisioning, simply because of his treatment of her. husband did not raise our two children the same way. That behavior was something he saved for his other two.

If I can help in any way, drop me a line.