Friday, October 03, 2008

Tears And Fears

Posted by Anonymous.

I have a confession. I cry. A LOT. And I'm angry.

My husband and I are trying to get pregnant. Like most people, I thought it might take 3 or 4 months max, and that was 9 months ago. In the mean time, everyone around me is getting pregnant. I've been to more baby showers in the past 9 months than I've been to in my 28 years of living. I get angry every time that someone else makes their announcement. I break down every time another baby is born. It makes me nauseous to hear that they got pregnant the first month that they tried. These people are close friends and family. I'm supposed to be happy for them. Part of me is happy for them, but the other part wants to steal their baby and run! (Only kidding. I haven't gone that far over the edge!)

My big sister tried for 3 months and got pregnant right as I started trying. 3 months....and she thought she was having serious problems. Went to a specialist and everything. She's having her baby tomorrow. I've had 16 breakdowns in anticipation...and that's just been this afternoon. Her c-section is scheduled for early tomorrow morning, and I'm expected to be at the hospital right after work. How am I supposed to do that when all that I really want to do is curl up in bed, cry for a few hours, screw my husband, and go to sleep?

Did I mention that I'm terrified, too? 3 more months and my doctor will officially stamp me "INFERTILE"!! What does that mean, anyway?


Anonymous said...

It took me a year to conceive my first (and more than 3-4 more months to conceive the others). That year was awful. Every time I heard that someone else was pregnant (and I swear, the whole world got pregnant in that year) it felt like I got kicked in the stomach.

hang in there! I really, really worried too - I have PCOS and had to have help to get that first baby. When you read about it you hear "we try drugs, then we try IUI, then we try IVF." Somehow in my mind this meant we were doing IVF and I was devastated. What they really should say is first you try on your own, and it can work! Then you try drugs, and they can work! and so on. There is much hope out there.

Anonymous said...

Have you tried Robitussin? I swear it worked for me twice. My first pregnancy we tried for 8 months- nothing. I went to my doctor. She said nothing was wrong that she could identify, just keep trying. Then she told me unofficially that she's had several patients get pregnant taking Robitussin expectorant. She won't "prescribe" it as an official aid, but as an expectorant, it thins your fluids, right? It, ahem, thins ALL your fluids. Your husband's boys will have an easier swim upstream. It worked for me the very next month, and on my first try with my second pregnancy. Google it - you'll find lots of anecdotes. Listen - this might not help, and if it doesn't, I'm sorry for giving you a false hope, and I really do hope you achieve the pregnancy you want so badly, however you get there. But if it does work, easy peasy!! And as for your sister -- just be there for her as much as you can, and don't push yourself beyond your own limits. She'll understand one day when you explain it all to her, even if it's not for a while. Good luck!!!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to hear about your struggles with emotions and possibly infertility. You are allowed to be all of those emotions you expressed, even if they seem to be conflicting. Take your time, give yourself as much space as you need.

I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 4 years; we started when I was 23 and he was 25. It turns out he has azoospermia (no sperm), so going to the specialist was the best thing we did because we found out what was wrong and have been working to overcome it ever since. Reproductive specialists aren't the end of the world, so don't be scared!

Over the years, I've gotten better with pregnant friends and family, I am easily able to focus on the hope and happiness of pregnancy because I'll be able to witness their lives together as an expanding family. Probably doesn't make sense outside my head, but in here it does. It doesn't mean I ignore my aching arms, but I try to focus on the positive for my health and the health of our relationship.

All the best!

Unknown said...

I'm 22 turning 23 in february and my husband and i are going through the same problem. We've been trying since January. I went in and got looked at and they said everything looks normal. But they wont do anything to help until it's been a year. And then my husband will be going to get checked out. And we'll keep trying. If nothing doesnt ean were infertile *or you for that matter* it means we start doing fertility treatments and absolutely anything we can afford to have a baby. And if all else fails we adopt..... I just wanted to let you know, you aren't the only one. I feel the exact same emoyions, and my family and friends are having babies like their rabbits... lol. Just hang in their and hopefully everything works out. If your really concerned, get a pap done...they'll know if anythings wrong

Anonymous said...

I don't know what it's like to have problems conceiving, and I won't even pretend to. I can only imagine how incredibly difficult and sad it is. But I can relate to your feelings of "everyone" around you getting pregnant, and the feelings you have towards it. I went through the same thing after a miscarriage. My two neighbors got pregnant a month after I did, so I spent their entire pregnancies staring at them, knowing that I would look much like them. And as much as I love my neighbors, I hated them for it. I hated having to see them and hated hearing them talk about being pregnant even more. I know none of us "know" you, but you have support. I, for one, have my fingers crossed for you. For what it's worth, you will be an amazing mom when the day comes. Keep your faith up. I'm sure your sister will understand any hard times you have with her birth. Take care.

Erin said...

I have endometriosis, a relatively common condition in women (even young women!) that can cause infertility and severe pain. I was diagnosed at 23, and have since had several surgeries to remove endometrial tissue from my abdominal cavity. It was a fight to get someone to believe me that I was hurting (they said it was "all in my head"), then a fight to get it correctly diagnosed (they said women my age don't have endometriosis - NOT TRUE), then it was a fight to get them to DO something about it. But I persisted, because I really, really, really want to be a mother.

My husband and I had been trying to conceive for 5 years, and we finally succeeded this June. It was a long, hard, pain-ridden struggle to get to this point. I felt like everyone I knew was pregnant, or had just had a baby, for a while. It seems so unfair when people who don't even seem to WANT to have a baby get pregnant on a whim.

I guess that I'm writing to let you know that it is possible to overcome incredible odds and manage to get pregnant. It's just not easy, or fun, most of the time. I hope that my success after such a long time of trying can give you some measure of hope. I wish you the best of luck. Remember, you are your own best advocate. Be vocal about what you want and need from your healthcare providers!

Anonymous said...

First off, big (((HUGS))) to you!

My husband and I stopped "actively preventing"--- and it took 2 1/2 years to conceive, so I know where you are coming from. The thing that did the trick for us was a book by Toni Weschler called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility": once I learned how to better pinpoint ovulation, we got pregnant right away (all three times).

Good luck to you and keep us updated!

ang :o) said...

I'd like to give another spin on things. Me and my husband always planned to wait two years, then have kids. Imagine our delight when we found out we got pregnant 2 days after our 2 year anniversary, first attempt. Then two months later I miscarried. That was not in our plans. It sucked big time. We waited a year to even attempt it again after that after three months on not getting pregnant I couldn't stand the disappointment anymore and didn't like that it was all I thought about so I gave up. I am worth so much more then carrying a baby. That's when we realized adoption was now our first choice. Now I know why we weren't meant to get pregnant. Once we made that choice I had no desire to get pregnant, even though that was my life long dream. My mom said I started talking about it at age four! But if I had dwelled on the means of getting a child, instead of the child, we wouldn't have our beautiful daughter that is soooo meant to be ours it's unbelievable. I'm grateful I stay open minded and now I realized that getting pregnant does not have to be a the first choice or the only choice. And because of our story, we know several people that are making adoption their first choice. It doesn't have to be the choice you make because nothing else works! What if you exact child is out there waiting for you and you never find him because you are so stuck on getting pregnant. And think of the connections that can be made with a birth mother to enrich your life Sad. Just something to think about.
ps-I am so grateful I never have to have the monthly stress of looking at a pee stick again! ughh. miserable.

Unknown said...

It took me 8 years and 4 pregnancy losses to finally have take home babies. My advice may or may not pertain to you, but it's heartfelt.

Make an appointment NOW with a reproductive endocrinologist. Don't fool around with your GYN. You want to shorten the time you are TTC and the way to do that is to get yourself on a waiting list asap for an RE.

Join Resolve. It is a support organization for people battling infertility and it will be such a relief to meet and talk to other people going through what you're going through.

Keep a positive outlook. If there are any wellness programs in your area that have an infertility group, join it and go. Keeping your body in shape and staying positive DOES help. It's been proven over and over again.

Find someone you can talk to about your feelings other than your partner. Dumping your sadness and anger on your partner can real friction in a relationship. Seeking outside help will be helpful and will enable you to keep a better attitude at home.

Good luck. I know how much this hurts. The more you reach out to people in similar circumstances, the better you will be able to handle this. Keeping it all inside is too hard and too destructive.

Anonymous said...

before investing in an RE, I recommned (like an earlier poster) taking control of your fertility. As young women we're so concerned with preventing pregnancy few of us actually know what it takes to get pregnant. Remember that health class in HS were you were told that any contact with a boy and BAM you'd be pregnant? Wrong. And as you age, it's more difficult.

The robitussin is interesting, and there is a lot of anecdotal evidence. It won't hurt to try. But get that book first. It's eye opening.

Anonymous said...

Its been 2 years for us. We are starting IVF this month.

My sister had her first 6 months ago, aftering only trying for 3 months. It killed me because I couldn't be purely happy for her. I was so pissed off at my infertility for taking that away from me.

I read everything possible on the internet about fertility. And tried nearly all of it-- robitussin, acupuncture, yoga, preseed, changing my diet, Taking charge of my fertility, and unfortunately only became more obsessed and awful to be around.

I went to the doctor and we tried clomid, shots and IUIs. None of those worked.

And everyone in the world has plenty of assvice to give.

I wish I had a solution for you. Instead I can only tell you someone else is walking this same sucktastic road.

I am thinking about joining a RESOLVE group. Maybe that will help.

H Oh said...

My two cents.

You could use a round or two of therapy, sometimes insurance will pick up the tab on a couple of rounds. Just to hash it all out, see how you can maybe combat all the negative feelings.

Why? Because your emotional state matters just as much in these things as your health. I hate to tell you to relax because I know that seems impossible but it's kind of like those times when you can't remember something and you keep trying and trying and then when you least expect it BAM! you remember.

Your not all that old, things are a little slower at 28. Anon above gets it, join a group of others! And good luck, I really hope your wishes are answered!

Anonymous said...

You are not alone in your struggles, or in your feelings.

I dreaded seeing everyone's growing bellies, babies and listening to complaints about breastfeeding. My longing was so overwhelming I felt angry at the injustice in the world.

It's not fair that you have to go through this. It wasn't fair that I had to have several operations, IVF and a high-risk pregnancy.

It's not fair and I think you should talk to someone about it. I didn't make it into therapy until years later, but I think the thoughts build for every month of trying.

Get help so that you can cope with the tough situation life has thrown at you.

Anonymous said...

I had a friend go through trying to get pregnant for 2 years. She finally started getting tested to see what was wrong. I had read that sometimes when they inject that dye into your fallopian tubes that it may clear a small undetectable block. Two weeks after she completed all the testing (her husband too) and was told nothing was wrong with her, she got pregnant. She also had a mayan massage done around the same time they did the dye injection to check her tubes. She also lost some weight during all this time as well. Any one of those things could have helped her finally conceive.

Susie Q said...

My husband and I too were deemed infertile due to many reproductive complications on my part. My lifelong dream of having children seemed hopeless. My husband and I knew we didn't want to give up our plan to have children so we began looking into adoption. We unlike some other couples weren't put off by the notion of not having biological children. We are now the parents of 2 beautiful, healthy, happy little boys from Russia. Everyday I look into their faces and thank God we didn't give up on the idea of being parents. These children were meant for us and we couldn't love them more if I had given birth to them. I'm not saying give up on your dream of having bilogical children, just know there are other options. Good Luck.

Momma Trish said...

I've been where you are. I can tell you that the infertile stamp doesn't mean a lick, really. I have two children, despite that stamp. Thanks to Robitussin and Clomid.

All it means is that they will run some tests and may prescribe some treatment. No need to worry yet ... things may still work out just fine for you.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I agree with a couple of others. If you haven't tried charting your temps, give it a go. Many women don't know when they ovulate and it's not always the standard 14 days as many think. It wasn't until charting with my second that I could see I had an extremely late ovulation. But I wouldn't have known without charting temps. Check out it works a treat and you don't have to pay for the basic stuff. It's something to try anyway if you haven't ;)

Shelli said...

I'm glad that you're still angry! That's a good emotion to feel. We tried for 16 doctor assisted cycles, and it never worked.

I'm sorry if the above women are giving 'assvice," as you clearly didn't ask for any, just to be heard. We don't know what you know about fertility methods, so we don't know what you've tried, or haven't tried.

Infertility isn't a death sentence. it just means that your girly bits, or your husbands sperm need a bit of help. That's all. Nothing more.

There are many ways to create family. I hope your journey is short, and that you can stay angry, and not get to indifference and bitterness, like I have.

Cloudy said...

Same exact thing happened to me. We tried for over a year as every other woman I knew was easily getting pregnant. It was stressful and upsetting. I went to a fertility specialist and was going to be artificially inseminated the next month. I finally relaxed and the BOOM! Got pregnant naturally. I know it is hard, but try and relax. I wanted to strangle people when they would tell me that as soon as i stiop trying so hard, it will happen, but that turned out to be the case. good luck.

Anonymous said...

i lost a friend over this. please seek help about it because i really miss her.

you don't have to deliver a baby to be a mom. that's just one way to do it. you can adopt a baby. there are tons of needy ones out there.

Angela said...

It took my husband and I 11 years to conceive our son. Now we're trying for another, and the drug combination that worked for our son isn't seeming to work this time.

I can tell you though, it's not nearly as painful to go through infertility this time, because at least I have my son to focus on. But for those 11 was hell. I avoided baby showers, pregnant women and all things that had to do with pregnancy and birth as much as possible.

Hearing about people who abused or neglected their children was what would make me rage though. I wanted to get pregnant so badly and here they were with children and they were treating them horribly. It just wasn't fair! I wanted to beat the hell out of those people.

For me, I was pretty much ok with someone once they actually had their baby (as long as they were loving parents of course). It was mostly while they were pregnant that I felt so conflicted and painfully jealous/sad/angry etc.

All I can tell you, is that what you're feeling is totally normal. I know you didn't ask for advice, but having someone to talk to about your feelings, WITHOUT feeling like you have to blunt your words or try not to hurt their feelings, is priceless. A counselor who will just listen is an amazing thing.

Keep your chin up, and take care of you and your husband. There's a good chance you'll end up with your own bundle of joy at the end of this road. And I promise it will be all the sweeter after all this.

Anonymous said...

oh goodness. I remember this pain. My sister-in-law and I got pregnant at exactly the same time - her due date was a week after mine. I miscarried. She went on to give birth to my nephew on my original due date. It took me a year to conceive a pregnancy that I could carry to term (and really only after I had given up and started to look into adoption). 5 years later, I have two rambunctious children. But I'll never forget how awful that year was.