Wednesday, October 15, 2008

What I Am, What I Never Was

Posted by Anonymous.

I'm a lesbian. Did you know I was? Can you tell? I have the perfect life to you, to everyone. But I'm not perfect or at least not to you or my husband or to my child. I'm a lesbian and no one knows but you. I love someone I can never have and am loved by someone who will never receive the full love he deserves. My whole life is a mess. It's all a lie and why? Because of you. Your judgment, your need to control, your love.

I want you to be proud of me. I want you to accept me. I resent you and yet worship you. I tell you you're the one that needs help but I need help.

Mom, I'm not what you want me to be. I never was.

14 comments:

manicmanicurist said...

this post reinforces my choice to love my children as they are.. and not expect or "want" them to be anything more than what they are.
I hope someday, lovely anon, that you get to be who you are.. and are happy with it.
((HUGS))

Val said...

I know this may seem odd, I don't know you, but this I know... living a lie isn't good. coming out as hard as it may be will free your soul. Honesty will allow you to start of the journey of loving yourself and then it will be enough.

good luck,

flutter said...

then she has no right to know you.

Catherine said...

This was beautifully written. I am a lesbian. I totally understand what you are saying. I came out when I was young-18-and my mother stopped talking to me...for about a year. When we began talking again, it was as if I had never said anything, with the exception of the instruction to never tell my father because he would start drinking again. My father had always known. It was a sorry state of affairs that continued throughout my life, and I am now 50. My father is gone, and my mother now says that she just wants me to be happy.

Without going into my life's story, my advice is to stop living a lie for fear of what your mother may or may not say or do. You not only sacrifice your own life, you are sacrificing your child's. Children know. I don't have any, but my 8 year old niece understands and no one has ever discussed it with her. Children know.

There is always pain when someone loses their illusion/perception of who they think you are. I am certain of one thing: you are who you are, no matter what anyone else may want to think of you. You can't change who you are at your core. It takes courage to speak your truth, but there is such great relief in doing that. I know this from experience.

I wish you freedom to love who you want. Always.

ewe are here said...

What a sad, sad situation.

Please find the courage to be yourself...those who truly love you will continue to love you. Your loved ones will want you to be free to 'be' who you are.

You can't live your life for your mother. That's not fair to you. No parent has the right to demand that their children live the lives that they want for them... because you are the one that has to live with your choices, with who your are. And your current choice is hurting you. And that's not fair.

And it's not fair for your husband, either.

Anonymous said...

I am married to a man whose first wife was a lesbian. Since she came out, she is happier, her partner is happier, he is happier, I am happier. The truth can be good for everyone.

Kandee said...

*Hugs*

You need as many hugs as you can get.

Quintessential Amy said...

Hi there,
I was a married lesbian, now I'm just a lesbian. Leaving my husband was scary and upsetting to my family, but I ended up doing it anyway.

When I told my parents that I was leaving my Trust Fund Baby husband, they kind of freaked out and weren't very supportive, so I moved 2000 miles away and continue my relationship with them via the phone and email. Their loss. It's been almost 4 years now and they're coming around slowly now that they realize that I'm serious.

Living a lie takes up SO much energy, once I wasn't lying anymore, I had plenty of energy leftover to self-actualize, change my career, and really love myself and eventually my partner.

You're not alone and there are yahoo groups available for support if you type "married lesbian" into the search box there, you'll find some good resources.

I love my GPW (girlfriend, partner, wife) and am truly happy now in a way that I never was before.

Love, Light and Blessings to you whatever you do!

Avalon said...

My cousin, who was also my best friend, was married with 3 children and finally decided to tell the truth. Guess what, her mother, her children and the rest of her family still love her. The only loss-----a husband she never really loved.

Live your life for you.

Lottifish said...

I won't even pretend to know how you're feeling or what I would do in your situation. I can only offer hugs for something that must be so hard for you.

But perhaps, and this is just my humble opinion, you should come out with it. You can not truly make anyone proud by living a lie and although the truth may hurt at first I really do believe that it's better that way in the end.

Anonymous said...

Major giant hugs.

kaila said...

I think someone already said this but the people who truly love you will still love you if they know the truth. The only hurt feelings are the ones you are experiencing by living a lie.

Anonymous said...

I feel so sorry for you. I feel so sorry for your husband too, I think if you want to truly do right by him, you will have to be brave and tell the truth.

Anonymous said...

That line about being full of resentment and yet worshipping your mother... Wow, that really struck a chord with me. I don't know you and am not in the same situation as you, but I feel your heart deeply. I understand, because I feel the exact same way about my own mother and I am a product of the exact words you used: judgment and love and need to control. Never done to harm purposely, but a slow suffocation all the same. I so understand you..