Wednesday, January 28, 2009

You Have No Idea

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear Mom and Dad:

I love you and appreciate how much you have done for me and my kids, but please stop reminding me what a good girl I was and telling me how to raise my own kids. You have no idea.

I know the music they listen to is wild and crazy and yes, there are cuss words in it. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I listened to anything other than Garth Brooks--I had a poster of Axle rose in my closet smoking a joint. I spent the night with a friend and went to a Motley Crue concert. The band that talked about shouting at the DEVIL!!!

It is really horrible that S sneaks cigarettes and hides in the woods to smoke them--how could i possibly raise such a horrible daughter that hides in the woods smoking-
I remember how good I was in the afternoons taking care of the horses out in the pasture.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I spent years in the woods "riding horses" while I was actually inhaling gasoline and spray paint fumes from paper lunch sacks, trying my best to get high from the time i was 12 years old.

I know 15 is a little young to be on birth control pills and I should teach abstinence instead of promoting sex. YOU HAVE NO IDEA--how many times i thought i was pregnant before I actually did get pregnant in high school YOU HAVE NO IDEA how many guys I had sex with. Even after all the abstinence talk (at 15 years old)

I know I should make A. get a job. He is old enough isn't he. I know how responsible i was at 17. I remember all the money I earned at Pizza Hut and buying all my own clothes from the time i was 16. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I sold hits of acid that i kept inside a dress on one of my teddy bears. I bought sheeets of acid in Dallas with my Pizza Hut tips and turned around and sold them for $300. I bought an entire keg for a party when I was 16. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I probably should think seriously about not letting S. use her cell phone at night, she does need her sleep. I know, I was not allowed to use the phone after 9pm and had to be in the bed by 10:30. YOU HAVE NO IDEA, I snuck out almost every night and ran to the payphone at the store down the street and within ten minutes would be at a party somewhere hanging out until dawn.

I know I should punish them for making bad grades. Yes, S. could have done better in her math class last year. I remember what a good student I was. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how many tests I stole the answers for. Everyone at school knew where to get them and paid me for them. Remember the time i got caught selling answers and failed my chemistry test during senior year? That was the only time I got caught after YEARS of stealing tests, or boinking the government teacher that lived down the street.

I know me and the kids and the psychiatrists use bipolar disorder as an excuse for bad behaivor and lazy parenting. I completely understand that even when I did go crazy and run away to Mexico at 15, and when I became suicidal and cried every day for three months that you were not going to let me make that mental illness excuse that others were making. Everyone is 100% responsible for themselves, or they should be in some kind of a home somewhere. I'm glad you let me go years and years without medication even though you knew that others in your family had committed suicide or been hospitalized. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I self medicated from the time I was 12. You have no idea how much I suffered because I was different and crazy or so depressed I couldn't move.

I know and remember what an awesome little girl I was. I was a credit to my parents that raised me and it is a shame that my kids are lacking. Maybe one day I will heed your advice and start disciplining my children appropriately. When that happens, we can all be glad for the advice you have given me, that helped keep my children out of the slums and off the streets.

Thank you

The daughter you know nothing about.


Mr Lady said...


Anonymous said...

I actually find this post incredibly sad. Your parents obviously failed you in a lot of ways by refusing to see what was right in front of their eyes.

It's clear that you 'see' your children... I just hope you're getting them the help they need and providing them with the guidance they clearly need so they get through these tough years... not everyone does, as you well know. You appear to have made it, but much of that can be attributed to luck I imagine, as your parents clearly weren't there for you.

GOod luck.

Anonymous said...

I wish that my parents could see that I wasn't okay back then either- all they can see is the perfect little soldier of a child that they "made" me. Your kids are older than mine, but I can see this day coming from me, when I tell them thanks for their advice, but they are my kids and I am raising them, they are done now.

Good for you for sticking to your guns as far as your kids are concerned, and for being there for your kids to talk to instead of assuming that they will do the "right" thing out of fear or respect for you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing this. It could have easily been something I could write. I wish my mom would see that sometimes I just need to be me instead of telling me I need to be "perfect."

Anonymous said...

Beautifully done. Quite funny at first, and then all too serious. It's clear that despite your difficulties you are a clear-sighted and wonderful parent.

gooddog said...

Wow. Aren't you at all tempted to send this to them? I sure would be! Good for you for turning into an honest, caring mom who has obviously worked hard to mother the way she wishes she had been mothered.

Anonymous said...

better to be the person they talk to then the person they lie to!

Anonymous said...

My older kids could a lot of the same words. I thought I was protecting them and instilling good ethics. A combination of mental illness, teenage rebellion, and an overbearing parent led them to both leave home as soon as they turned 18.

I learned and their brother is being raised differently. More like your kids. The biggest complainers? His older siblings. He doesn't do anything different than them, I just know about this time. Plus, unlike them, he doesn't hate me.

Anonymous said...

wow. Just Wow. I was raised much like you, but I didn't rebel at all. I really did do all those things my parents thought I did. But, I am one screwed up adult as a result of it all, let me tell ya....I hope I can be as brave as you and let my kids be themselves. You rock!

Anonymous said...

I almost could've written this. Thankyou.

Anonymous said...

I was a "good kid" for the most part. When I wasn't as "good" from 15 to 18, I was darn good at not getting caught.
I was careful. I never got caught when I came home after drinking, hid beer in my room, smoked cigarettes and pot. My parents were asleep the time I came in (made my midnight curfew)still bopping around after taking a hit of acid.
My parents didn't know that I started having sex with my boyfriend the summer I turned 16. He was my only sexual experience until he died 15 years into our marriage.
They didn't know about my 3 yearly visits to the health department to get free birth control pills or that I skipped my morning classes to do so. They didn't know that I ditched school for all 8 "excused absences" my senior year & forged my mom's signature on the notes excusing my absences.
They did catch me the time I and a friend told our parents we would be at the other's home b/c friend's mom called mine to make sure friend had money. I got out of that one b/c I distracted mom by telling her about friend taking pregnancy test that was positive.
I didn't get caught staying over with boyfriend when his parents were out of town.
I will watch my daughters like a hawk.

Stephanie N. said...

Thank you for sharing this. It really moved me. While my secret teenage rebellions weren't nearly as "wild" as yours (mainly sex, not much in the way of drugs), I also put up a false front and got away with a bunch of things that my parents couldn't imagine I'd do (and none of which I regret) because they were so focused on me being their "perfect" daughter. And I've turned out pretty darned well-adjusted, despite (perhaps because of) doing a bunch of stuff in my teens that was constantly preach as immoral, bad, etcetera. I'm lucky that I've since been able to tell my mom about a lot of what I was getting away with back then, and now I even think of her as a friend (I wouldn't have believed you if you told me back then that this would happen one day). But it feels like my father (they were divorced when I was tiny) still barely knows me, and I can't just be me.

I hope that if/when I have kids, I can find a balance between being the natural control-freak that I am, and allowing my kids the freedom to experiment and figure things out on their own - like the balance that you are finding.

selzach said...

Wow. That is a powerful post.

I'm sorry your parents are in denial. I'm sorry they view bipolar disorder as an "excuse for bad behavior" rather than the disease it is. I'm sorry they denied you the medical care you needed.

Loralee Choate said...

Other side here.

When I was in high school (1992) I listened to Air Supply, did lame photo shoots in the basement of my best friend's house and was at my wild and craziest when I sneaked out of the house to occasionally let my boyfriend feel my boobies.

My parents told me about a year ago they just assumed that I spent my teenage years doing drugs, drinking and sleeping with boys and were rather shocked that I was so tame.


Tiffi33 said...

talk about parents seeing what they want to see...

You are doing your kids a service by allowing them more freedom than you had, and also knowing what *could* happen..
keep it up..
and you have an amazing insight as well..

I was insanely tame as a teen...never did drugs, smoked, drank on occasion...snuck out once or twice..but invariably, I got caught..*sigh*
my sister, however,did not get caught...and she did way more than I did

Trueself said...

Other than the drugs, I could have written this post almost verbatim. I will never understand how my parents (or yours) could turn such a blind eye.

Anonymous said...

I'm sad that your parents turned a blind eye to your problems and that they didn't get you the help you needed. And I'm sure it is galling to have them tell you how to raise YOUR kids. Seems like you are aware of what your kids are doing.

Still, just because you did it, is it okay for your kids? Your mother's opinion aside, doesn't it bother YOU that your daughter is smoking? That they're not doing well in school? I think you should try to raise your children based on what you want them to become, not what your parents think they should be. Are you sure you're not tryng to spite your parents?

Anonymous said...

I think this post is just all around sad; bad parenting begets bad parenting, just in another form. I mean really why would you happy admit your kids are doing everything wrong? I can see honest in this post but still bad parenting.

Anonymous said...

I love the honesty in this too but you are saying you KNOW your kids are doing this and doing nothing about it. Your parents DIDN'T know. You know?

Anonymous said...

Maybe your parents didn't turn a blind eye. Maybe you were just good at being sneaky.

Anonymous said...

What a sad post. Perhaps you should have thought twice before having children if you are so ill equipped. Just because you got away with it doesn't mean it's okay for your children.