How Could You?

Posted by Anonymous.

How could you?

While we were at the ER, getting my husband's tachycardia treated with beta blockers, you called me. While I was sitting there wondering how he could possibly be this sick - whether it was a reaction due to the rare illness he thinks he has, or a simple panic attack - you were at my house thinking. You called me, and you asked if I knew what dexamethasone is. No, I said. You asked me if I knew about Cushing's Disease. I said yes, that's what my husband thinks he has. You said that you were concerned about some things.

Silly me, I thought that your husband had been looking on the computer and finding out information to try and HELP, because he is a smart man and maybe he would like to help out.

How could you?

When we walked in the door, you were both sitting on the couch. You said we needed to talk because there were some things you were concerned about. At that point, I could tell that you weren't going to say anything helpful.

I thought that you were going to have a talk with us. At the worst, I thought you'd accuse him of being a hypochondriac who tries to self diagnose himself on the internet. At the worst, I thought you'd try to intervene, saying he needed to stop and just see a doctor and let the doctors decide. At the worst, I thought you'd make me feel embarrassed for letting him go on about this illness that he is convinced his symptoms fit.

How could you?

I could not believe my ears. You asked about the prescription bottle of dexamethasone on the desk. For a minute I was confused, then realized that you were talking about a bottle of CAT MEDICINE. Medicine that the vet prescribed to our cat this summer to try and treat his huge fucking ear infection that keeps coming back. You asked if my HUSBAND had been EXPERIMENTING on himself, if he had taken the steroids that were prescribed to my CAT to try and test himself for Cushing's Disease. Have you been experimenting on yourself? you asked. It is the exact steroid they use to test for Cushing's - do you see how that looks to us?

HOW COULD YOU?

How could you look at me like that? How could you ask me several times about the drugs even after I disbelievingly said that those were the cat's pills, that they've been sitting untouched on that desk for six months? How could you look back and forth between us and ask if we could see why you'd be concerned? How could you accuse my husband of experimenting on his own body like that?

YES, he mentioned that he'd been testing a theory. Do you know what he MEANT by that? The ONLY thing he did differently today was eat a BIGGER DINNER than normal. That was his big, scary test. Well, it seemed to work, better than he'd thought. No, he could not have forseen that taking his normal ADD meds, then drinking some soda (things he does every day) then eating Thanksgiving dinner would send him to the hospital with a VERY high heart rate and blood pressure, dizziness, shaking and practically fainting.

How could you think that he would take unprescribed steroid medication, medication that was prescribed to an ANIMAL? How could you think that my husband would put himself at THAT kind of risk? Even if he did, how could you think he would do that TODAY, on Thanksgiving, when we were going to be around family. Come on, we're smarter than that. If we wanted to hide something from you, we would DAMN WELL hide it. How could you think I would let him do that under my roof, when we have a child? How could you, after all these years, so misjudge both of us?

How could you accuse him of putting himself at risk that way?

How could you look at me like that, and think I was LYING to you?

How could you make me feel so stupid? So untrusted? So childlike?

How could you put me in this place where I sobbed after you left, and now I don't know what to do, if I should tell you how much you hurt me, how much you added to the stress of an already stressful day, month, year...?

How?