I'm a in my Mom of 5 year old absolutely healthy smart and sweet daughters we adopted from China a few years ago. X and I were married/together for 22 years before adopting. We tried for 12 years to get (stay) pregnant and after 8 miscarriages and so much heartache, we stopped trying. We then tried to live a life without children, and then jointly (key word... jointly) decided we really wanted children, and then we got so lucky-beyond belief and were referred two perfectly healthy beautiful girls over a few years. We're financially stable, we have a lovely house, we've travelled the world and had all the toys we could ever wish for, and we both have full-time quite stable jobs that are in pretty immune-as-it-gets industry with great positions and salaried. Jeez, it does sound perfect. But it's so not.
X has a quick temper. And he's quick to get quickly mad at the girls for being...well, sometimes cranky, bratty little girls. In other words, perfectly typical toddlers. His temper is bad. He yells....a lot. He gets mad...a lot...at the litlte girls. Our parenting styles are different. I try to take the brunt and intervene and manage the girls when I know they are tired or sick or cranky but i can't always be there in those cases and when he is around and they are not being perfect and sweet, he shouts a lot. For example, today when they were being cranky, he told them he was going to throw them in a closet and lock them up. Well, I know for sure he would never do that (and he would not...truly....) but he says that kind of stuff all the time. And it makes me very upset. Then we argue. And yell. And then i get unproportionally upset. And it just cycles over and over. It's not good for any of us but it is esp. bad for the girls. Then they walk around the house saying "Is Daddy being mean?" "Why is Daddy making you cry?"....Oh, it breaks my heart.
And, his temper affects everything. When he gets mad and I get upset, then I just feel myself retract...I just isolate myself and my girls and I put up my defenses up big-time. Then, when that happens, we certainly aren't intimate...ie I am sure not interested in sex. And then....that makes him mad. And then, he says the lack of sex gives him a short temper. Which then spirals down to him having more outbursts and me being less inclined to want to be intimate....And, downwards it goes. It's gotten so bad now that we're in a bad place and the LAST thing I want is to even think about sex. I don't know what to do.....And then....then....to make it all worse.....there is one more element in the mix. He is now (he says...) depressed because of lack of sex and he's exercising less and gaining weight. A lot of weight.
Which makes him even LESS desirable. And he is telling me the reason he is gaining weight as he is turning to food and beer instead of exercise due to the lack of sex. So, I need a sanity-check. I am mad at him. I am mad at his temper. I am mad at his outbursts. And I am aggravated with his weight gain. (i'm especially disgusted because exercise and staying fit is a big deal to me...oh, I sound like an absolute bitch, don't I?....)
So, I would like a sanity-check. Am I being totally out-of-line with all this? I want him to calm down but he says he won't because he's mad because I'm a "frost-queen". He totally completely fully and 1000% refuses to go to any counseling. He won't even consider it. What do I do? Is this all my fault? I don't want to have sex with him. I don't like him lately. But, we've been together for 25 years and I can't believe we can't get this fixed. Just don't know how.....Please tell me straight....I can handle it...Am i being a bitch?
Thanks for any feedback. I can't talk to anyone about this.....no one at all.....