Mother, Dearest?

Posted by Anonymous.

My mother. How do I describe my mother?

I am nearing 25, happily married to a wonderful man and a new mother to a baby girl that is the center of my world. I have a 16 year old sister who still lives with our mother, alone. The two of them live together in the charming small town I graduated high school from, while my sister attends a Christian private high school - totally different from my own upbringing.

My mother is someone that I can no longer recognize. The last time we spoke was December 24th, 2004, when I told her on the phone that I was engaged. She told me that I was stupid, irresponsible, she wanted nothing to do with this, and that I had no business getting married. Granted, I was only 20 years old, but I was responsible, being as I had been on my own since two weeks after I turned 18; self-sufficient and still in college.

She has never had a successful, happy relationship, and I think she was jealous. She suffers from severe depression, is bipolar, and I believe an alcoholic. She divorced my stepfather, my sister's father, in 2001, and he died in 2002. Their marriage was certainly never the stuff of romance novels - he was a cocaine addict, consistently had affairs throughout their nine-year marriage, and lived with us probably only for a total of a year during that time. Thusly, she was damaged, angry, and broken.

She is an angry, violent, bitter person. She took out her wrath on me during my childhood with belts, fists, and words. I spent at least a third of my life either recovering from bruises or "you are so worthless, I never should have kept you". I spent years in therapy, with the idea that I would be able to recover from the damage my mother and stepfather's marriage had inflicted on me, but we always seemed to spend the time discussing my mother's dysfunction instead.

My sister is now caught in the crossfire. She is nearing her 17th birthday, and does not acknowledge publicly that she has a sister. I believe she is brainwashed to say these things to the people around her; that if my mother ever heard her admit my existence, she would suffer the same fate as I. Recently, I received a phone call from one of my mother's brothers, a dear man that I don't know well as a result of his estranged relationship with her. He told me, reluctantly, that my sister had gone to a party with some friends from school, decided to experiment with alcohol, and had gotten drunk. A male friend from school attacked and raped her.

She is a Type 1 diabetic, and ended up in intensive care after the attack from diabetic ketoacidosis, in and out of a comatose state. My mother is enraged. She has called my sister every name she can think of, and has told her repeatedly that it was her fault. My sister is on virtual lockdown and does not even think without permission.

Consequently, I am thisclose to purchasing a plane ticket and flying out to my home state to see her. My husband and I want custody of her, but it will be difficult securing and paying for an attorney five states away, plus, my mother will undoubtedly pull out all the stops to fight me every step of the way.

I do not know how to deal with this woman any longer. I had every intention of calling her, finally, after the birth of my daughter six weeks ago, to share the wonderful news with her that she had a grandchild. But that same day was the day I recieved this news, and my heart has grown colder towards her. I no longer believe I can ever have a positive relationship with this woman ever again, particularly not as long as she tries to not only keep my beloved sister from me, but that she works to damage her as she did me.

I've wanted for years to have an intact family unit and to have not brought this darkness down on my husband's family, but thankfully they are wonderful, forgiving, lovely people who do not judge me based on my familial background. They are my family now, and I love them wholeheartedly.

My question is, is it even feasible or realistic to ever hope to have a relationship with my mother ever again, and is it even more unrealistic, if not, to fight for my sister's life? I am willing to sacrifice my relationship permanently with my mother to save my baby sister and bring her here to me.

I welcome any and all advice.