Posted by Anonymous.
I knew this would happen. I feared it. Everyone would have thought I was crazy. I once told a friend (who turned out to not really be a friend) about this fear. And he did tell me I was crazy. I never confided in him again.
There just isn’t enough love.
There were many reasons I had for deciding not to have children when I was in college. One of the most important/ main reasons was that I feared not having enough love.
However, after quite a lot of time & thinking (&thinking&thinking), I did decide that my love for my husband was enough- and I wanted to show him that I love him. So I decided that I did want to have a baby. (And I did want to)
Turned out, I liked being pregnant. (Another fear was that it would be horrible!!!)
I never got sick & felt pretty good most of the time. I was a little tired in 1st trimester; and again when I was rather large. I had a relatively uncomplicated pregnancy.
Of course I feared labor (another reason). Rightfully so.
I won’t bore you with the labor story.
Well, she came. She was big. She was heavy. And she was adorable. But about a week or 2 after coming home, she became fussy. Needy. Demanding to be held. All day long.
Not great timing; my husband’s job was oh-so-stressful at this time.
He feels he has to take care of everything/everyone. So he had work stress & would come home to screaming. And the “kitty cats” needed attention. It was a very very stressful time. And nobody had any good advice. We got so sick of hearing “it’ll get better”… nobody told us what to do RIGHT NOW.
So not the best start.
He had asked me when she was, I dunno, 3 weeks old or so if I loved her.
I broke down in tears because all I could say was “I don’t know”. I knew I would probably come to love her. But again with the whole “unconditional love”… I needed to get to know her.
Now she’s 5months old and I have come to love her. It didn’t take very long, actually. But it’s still quite stressful at times.
My husband worked from home for the past 2 months. Which made it difficult when she cried. If I couldn’t quiet her quick enough, I felt the added stress from him.
Basically with all this worry about love, I never thought about not having enough love for him anymore.
Things in this house are getting pretty bad. It’s no fun to be around us at all; and I wonder if she’s picking up on this.
I guess somehow I knew there was only room for one love. I just never expected to fall out of love with my husband. He’s about to come home from a 2week business trip.
I’m sorta dreading it. Again, a 14hour travel time to come home will be stressful for him. And to be faced with needy cats & a young baby who may/may not recognize him…
God I wish he’d learn to deal with his stress. Because it is tearing me apart.
I spoke to him openly before getting pregnant (and during) about being sure to love each other above all others. I grew up never thinking my parents loved each other, and it bothers me still. I want to show our daughter a better way to grow up. Now I don’t know how.
He was the greatest husband.
Until he became a father.