I don't know why I'm surprised...but I am. I don't know why I expected any different from you...but I did.
It all started in August when I noticed that our daughter's college fund that MY grandfather set up for her was emptied out. You of course denied it over and over again. Before you finally figured out that there was no possibility for you to get out of being caught. Only then did you own up to stealing money from our daughter. What was the reason you took it??? You too this day refuse to give me one. You too this day have promised a zillion times to replace the money and open her account back up, but too this day you haven't. BUT that was my fault I should never have put you on the account as a custodian. WHAT??? I should not have put the father on the account in case something happened to me??
Then in November I find out that the Christmas Club you had been assuring me for months that you had for our daughter's Christmas was FICTIONAL. As in it NEVER existed!!! So it was left up to me to scramble around and find a way to give our daughter something for Christmas. Thank goodness my family let me borrow money so that she would have something to open on Christmas morning.
Then I find out that you took my ATM card..for MY account-not yours-not ours MINE, and took every dime that was in it. A $4,000 tax return ALL of it. Thereby leaving me with no money to get our daughter anything for her 3rd birthday!!! I work at a Sheriffs Office....why do I let you get away with this??? Because you are a paramedic and if I charge you then you won't have a job at all. So which is worse??? Either way we have no money...
All this time you have cried to me about how much you love our girl and me...and this has happened because I never taught you how to tell the truth!! Exscuse me???? I NEVER taught you?? My parents taught me and I plan on teaching our daughter to..so why didn't your parents teach you? You are 37 years old I shouldn't have to give you classes on the difference between the truth and a lie. I shouldn't have to teach you the difference between right and wrong.
And then yesterday I find out that you've done it again. Taken every penny out of MY bank account (by stealing my ATM card). Why am I surprised?? Why did I expect you to be different? Just because you promised me and my family and our little girl that you would never let this happen again. 2 months worth of paychecks...
So my question is this..we don't get paid until May 15th-today is May 6th- HOW am I supposed to feed our daughter??? How am I supposed to pay our bills?? How am I supposed to keep a roof over our heads??
Do you honestly think that your filthy rich parents who live several states away-that incidently have NO EARTHLY IDEA how to spell their granddaughters name- are going to bail you out?? They are as disgusted with you as I am.
I suppose I should have taken a clue when I finally realized that nobody in your family wants anything to do with you. But you were the father of my child and I thought you deserved a chance and another chance and another chance.
I want soooo badly to just kick you out of my house...out of my life...out of our daughters life. But if I can't make it now with both of us working how in the world could I make it alone? I have several friends who have offered to help but I can't let them do that. It is my problem not theirs.
Just typing this out has made me feel a wee bit better.
24 comments:
Where is he spending all this money? Drugs? A mistress? You need to find out. You also need to open a bank account separate from him, give him NO access to it. If you want to stay with him, and it sounds like you do, you need to get his check direct deposited into your account, give him a weekly allowance, and take complete control of your family's finances. The only other option I see is for you to leave him. Get his check garnished for child support.
He doesn't sound like a good man. You'd probably be much better off without someone who steals from his own child. If you stay, you're teaching your daughter that she should marry that kind of man, too. Is that what you want her to learn?
Change your PIN!
The lies, the stealing, the blaming, all point to some kind of addiction. I would not rely on any of his income to support the household. Downsizing to what you yourself can afford seems to be the best way to pull this one out of the hat.
Because right now, you have the hope that he will contribute, but not only is he not, your earnings are getting sucked into his black hole.
I hope the health plan supports rehab, but it takes a willing spirit to enter into it.
I wish you the best. I hope that your eyes are open to what he is really capable of now.
I'm so sorry you and your child have had to endure this. You can choose not to continue this way.
This is not a good or healthy situation to be in, for you, or your daughter. He has proven he can't pull his shit together. I also think you need to find out where all this money has gone. You can't keep letting him walk all over you. You need to report this, he is not getting that what he is doing is wrong and you are not holding him accountable for it either by letting him constantly get away with it. Please have some dignity and do the right thing for you & your daughter.
Kick his sorry ass out, get a divorce, HAVE HIS WAGES GARNISHED, and change banks.
I don't want to sound harsh, but you simply cannot allow this to continue. I agree with Amy, if you want to stay with him (and with him stealing all the time you'd probably be better off financially without him), you have to take over finances completely. Do whatever it takes to keep him away from the money. It sounds to me like perhaps he has a drug or gambling addiction.
It may be a bit harder, but you CAN survive without him. Regardless of what he's bringing in financially, it seems like he's spending even more.
And I'll echo the question of - WHERE is he spending this money? Because that's an important one.
No one deserves to be lied to like that repeatedly, to be disrespected like that.
You and your daughter both deserve better than this.
In the meantime, cut off his access to any and all accounts that you have. Change PINS, banks, whatever you have to do, but don't let him take anything else from you.
I wish you the best... this must hurt so much.
Been there...done that. You WILL surprise yourself. With 2 children, no child support from him, I actually do have a savings account these days. I am a million times better financially with one paycheck, that we were with 2. Go figure. If you do the right thing it will work out.
You can't afford to be without him? He's cleaning you out. You can't afford to be WITH him.
What he's doing is a criminal act--the same as if a stranger were stealing from you. You wouldn't let a stranger get away with it, would you? Don't let this guy get away with it either, no matter if he is your daughter's father.
I agree with all above me and maybe shouldn't comment because I have nothing really unique to say... except that I have been in that boat. Not the stealing, but the lying and the lack of funds... My husband had an addiction for many years.
IF you love him and want to stay with him and think it's worth it, then you need to take control of the finances. Utterly and completely. Sit him down and tell him that he has two options: hand over his checks, ATM card, what-have-you and allow you to give him an allowance and budget the rest, or say bye. Change your pin and don't tell him what it is, regardless of the reason he says he needs it.
If he chooses to leave, then don't worry- it sounds like you have a good support system of friends and family that will be willing to help you get on your feet and get going, and you'll be okay on your own. Best of luck- I'm sending you good vibes!
I totally agree with Anonymous 11:07. You can't afford to stay with this guy. He's taking you to the cleaners time and time again. At least if he were out of your house, you could find a way to make your budget work for you and your little girl. A 37 year old man will not change. Especially if he doesn't want to, which sounds like the case. No one who wants to change would be making excuses and blaming you for him being an irresponsible jerk!
show this guy the curb....he definitely has a problem, but you can't help him until he wants to help himself, and he has to hit bottom for that to happen--for some people, that can take a lifetime. You and your daughter deserve better. The road might be difficult, but not impossible :-) Sending you hugs and positive thoughts!
I agree with all the above posters. You can do this - and you'll be far better off. And change your pin, lady!
You're story sounds achingly familiar. I am in the middle of a divorce right now from a man that played all the money tricks - plus dugs and criminal activity. I kept hoping for change. It's not going to happen - not for my soon-to-be-ex and probably not for yours. Get out.
I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you, but you need to get out now. Take your daughter, and kick him to the curb. Change your PIN, get a new account, a new bank, and PROTECT yourself and your daughter. Don't let him drive you into bankruptcy or worse for his possible addictions and his theft.
You say that you haven't charged him because he is a paramedic? If his possible addiction is something that can impair his judgment, do you want to wait until something bad happens to one of his patients, in addition to what is already happening to you and your daughter?
Again, I am so sorry, but please protect yourself and your daughter.
My husband was a compulsive gambler when we first started dating. After a couple of years dating i realized exactly where all his money was going. He went to GA and I went to Gam Anon. The story you're telling sounds exactly like the ones I would hear at those meeting. The women all told me one thing...cut my ties and move on before we were married or had kids. Well luckily my husband did actually learn from the meetings and we are happily married for 10 years now. To solve this problem, first you need to know what his problem is. Then decide if you want to stick around. But you will have to behave like his mother, giving him an allowance, a curfew, check his emails, etc. Do you really want to stay married to someone you have to mother? Do you really want your daughter to grow up thinking that is a normal relationship? PS- His family probably could tell you where his money is going.
Ummmmmm. You are living with a criminal. The worst kind of crimial. The kind that would steal, literally, the food from his own child's mouth.
You say that you don't want to call the police because he's a Paramedic and he will lose his job. Don't you think he is also stealing from the homes of the innocent people he is treating?
Would you let a stranger come into your home time after time and steal from you without calling the Police???? Then whay are you letting him do it?
An unemployed husband remanded to enforcable treatment is better than living with a thief with zero conscience.
Get over your hangups about what is best for him and do what is right and moral for you and your child. Sounds harsh but it's true.
BTW, some of the very worst junkies I have ever known were the medics I have worked with over the years. They had unlimited access to the meds of the defenseless patients they were treating and transporting.
you could make it alone because you are responsible and he is stealing from you - that wouldn't be an issue if you left. You could do it.
He keeps stealing from you, which makes him a thief and an ass. You keep letting him, which makes you an idiot. You don't want to be an idiot, you don't want to enable his horrible behavior. So stop letting him take from you.
Goodness gracious. Take the help from friends so you can cut financial ties with this man and get your daughter out of this bad situation, at least as a safety measure until you figure out what the heck is up with all the theft. You can pay your friends back or pay their generosity forward later. I understand why you don't want to impose on other people or show yourself to be in need, but, seriously, real friends would not offer if they didn't mean it.
Oh, honey. Even if you have to eat beans and potatoes every day, you would be SO MUCH BETTER OFF without him. So would your daughter. He doesn't deserve either of you, and no, he will never change.
Kick him out, as soon as possible. Do it for your kid.
Drugs. I went through the SAME scenario. Exactly the same. It was drugs. Get out now, while it's still safe to do so. He doesn't pay up? The drug dealers have no qualms coming to your house to collect. Again, speaking from harsh experience.
I hope you can let go of him. I hope you can see that he is costing you more than he's bringing in... which is the only reason you say you're holding on to him.
I hope you can let go and let your friends help you with your problem.
Let go out him. Kick his stupid, useless, miserable butt out of your and your daughter's life. Get a divorce from him. He's not going to be any good for y'all, anyways. Change banks, and get as far away from him as you can. He's a lier - a robber.
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