Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Tired

Posted by Anonymous.

I am so tired. I am tired of taking care of everyone and everything. I am tired of always being the optimistic one. I am tired of going without so you can have whatever you want. I am tired of leaving my baby at home* while I work five days a week. I am tired of NEVER having enough money. I am tired of not having enough money and no groceries, tired of begging LITERALLY begging for food money. I am tired of saying that it could be worse. I KNOW IT COULD BE WORSE BUT GOD DAMMIT THIS IS BAD TOO. I am tired of putting on a happy face and taking deep breaths and continuing on. I WANT TO GIVE UP. I want to quit my job quit paying bills and quit leaving my baby. I want to sit on my fat ass and collect welfare and live off of someone else for a while. I want to quit hearing “But your better than that” FUCK BETTER THAN THAT. I want to be that, I want to be lazy and irresponsible and 22. I am 22 years old and I feel like I’m 40! This is fucking ridiculous. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t be this person anymore. I want to scream until my throat bleeds and cry until my eyes cannot cry any longer. I want buy pretty shiny things FOR MYSELF. I want to stop doing dishes and laundry. I just want to be happy again. I know that this will pass and that suffering is normal and I WILL get over this but for RIGHT NOW I just want to be angry and sad. I want someone to tell me that it’s ok and right now it’s shitty and that’s ok too and I want someone to rub my feet and get me a hot cup of tea.

That felt great. Already I'm feeling better - always the eternal optimist. *BTW - just to clarify I don't leave him at home alone! Ha-ha he is with a baby sitter.

14 comments:

areyoukiddingme said...

It is bad now, but it will get better. I'd be happy to get you a cup of tea, but I am NOT rubbing anyone's feet!

Seriously, though, everything changes all the time, and if you're working so hard now, it will (probably - no guarantees) pay off in the end.

Sheri said...

Ya know what pisses me off? I too feel like I am "working poor" all the time. We have families where I work that have government subsidized housing that they pay NOTHING for, government subsidized child care that they pay NOTHING for, and food stamps to eat with and they are driving freaking Lincoln Navigators!

How is that fair? The system is broke.

Kayt said...

I'm with you! I'm also 22, married, with a six month old. My husband is burnt out at work, so he refuses to pick up overtime to help give us a cushion, even though he works four ten hour days and I work five eight hour days. I work at least 5-15 hours of overtime a week, so I get to see my baby less and less. We're doing everything right, but I feel like we're drowning too. My in-laws, on the other hand, keep begging for handouts because my idiot MIL quit her job because 'it sucked'.

It will get better. Hang in there!

MYSUESTORIES said...

Try to be grateful you have a job to hate and a child well enough to be left with a sitter. Hard work and honest living DO pay off. Keep at it. It will all be worth it in the long run, and you can keep your self respect!

Jennifer said...

Amen Sister. I hear you. You just have to keep on keeping on. It sucks a$$ right now but it will get better.

*hugs*

LibraryGirl62 said...

It will get better. I promise. You are so brave~I didn't go it alone until I was in my 30's and the kids' Dad left and I was scared and tired~and it SUCKED ASS~but guess what. It got a little better every day and I went from 4 jobs to 3 and then to 2 (still stuck at 2, tho). My kids are teenagers and amazing and growing up so well and I am responsible for that. When your baby is 16 and wonderful and amazing, it will all be worth it. I PROMISE! I will fix you that cup of tea~stop by anytime:), but looks like someone else will have to rub your feet...

Hayley said...

WOW. You are me during my first marriage.

If I didn't have an irrational icky feeling about feet, I'd rub yours.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel - been there, done that, been there AGAIN, done it AGAIN, lather rinse repeat.

It DOES suck. Mightily. You have every right to be pissed and tired and think it isn't fair.

But it's also going to be OK. Hang in there, keep your chin up. Laugh, love and spit in the devil's eye. You ARE better than All This, I can tell. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Is there any way if you can find out if you would qualify for some additional assistance? Sounds like any little bit would help.

Otherwise, you are entitled to the occasional pity party and it will get better.

And I would fix you a cup of tea AND rub your feet.

Hang in there.

Erin said...

u took the words right out of my mouth

Kay said...

I'm 30 - married, with an almost 14yo and an almost 11yo disabled son. I'm unemployed (not by choice) right now, and so is my husband. We're struggling beyond belief, trying to survive on unemployment. And we're pissed... each time we try to renegotiate with our mortgage company to save our home, or figure out which bill to not pay this month, or how we're going to make it. Because so many people are doing just what you said... sitting on their asses, lying about income, collecting welfare and just sucking the rest of us dry. So many days I just want to say "fuck it" and if they can milk the system, so can I.
Dammit, having a conscience sucks sometimes.
It's ok to be angry, to be sad, to be overwhelmed. It DOES suck right now. It WILL get better - how and when, I don't know, not for you or me or any of the others that are stuck like we are. But you're definitely not the only one contemplating giving up and letting the government take care of you, since it seems SO easy to do.
I'd offer to get you a cup of tea and rub your feet, but I have a feeling that would come across much creepier than I intend it :)

Anonymous said...

If you're going to quit work and sign up for welfare, move to Minnesota or Wisconsin. You must live in Wisconsing at least 6 months and be able to prove it before you can sign up, but they pay the most. Minnesota pays second highest and require that you live there a year first.
GOOD LUCK !!

Anonymous said...

Why is it that people often feel that venting publicly about their problems is acceptable and even cathartic?

The fact that we sometimes feel sorry for ourselves is SHAMEFUL. The last thing that we should do is embrace our self-pity and encourage others to pity themselves, as well.

Rather, we should GROW UP and ask what it is we are to learn from these experiences. We should use them to draw closer to our children, spouses, and extended families and others where we live and work.

Selfishness is such a dead-end; I speak from experience. The times that I have disengaged to feel sorry for myself have been COMPLETE AND UTTER wastes of time that could have been far better spent on others. My children and spouse needed me, but I was too busy pouting. I wish that I could live my trials over again for their sake.

PLEASE learn from my mistakes. Get off the computer and surfing around for other people to validate you and make you feel better. You don't really need it. Get up and serve other people. That always brings me relief.

Visit a nursing home sometime and make friends with those poor people who have been abandoned by their children. These beautiful souls watch TV ALL DAY, often in their urine, simply waiting to die.

There are so many people in this world who are really hungry and have endured real hardship and horrible abuse. There HAS to be something that WE can do to alleviate suffering in our homes and in our communities, no?

ANYTHING AT ALL will be far preferable to spending another night online looking for someone to encourage us. Trust me. Once we make it through, we will look back and regret every moment that we threw away.

Regards,
JRF

Pgoodness said...

Hey, JRF - you're a jackass.

Hang in there poster - you're gonna be fine. Sometimes a good vent is all we need to get back in the saddle...well, that and a good foot massage.