Friday, July 17, 2009

Mother Manipulator

Posted by Anonymous.

My mother and I have never been friends. As a matter of fact, in a different setting, I can almost reassure you that she wouldn’t even like me. Not that I am bad, not always anyway, just that….I am not her. I have no desire to be her. And, because I am writing this as anonymously as possible but I just asked about it publicly, I am going to tell you the stone cold bloody truth and if you figure me out, bleh, who cares.

My mother is a Bible Thumper. She married a man (the first time, marriages 2, 3 and 4 were to the same man who happened to be her first cousin and horribly abusive, husband number 5 for her was too nice of a guy) who was gay and knew he was gay but wanted children and in the 60’s there was no way he could openly admit to being gay. He also married and went to college to prevent being drafted. I know, not all high standard traits by any means, but we are talking truth here ok?

My dad finished school, got a teaching job and taught for 19 years…in the closet. At age 4, my father kidnapped me and left the state because my mother was trying to get a judge to take away his parental rights base on his selection of a partner (amazingly enough, even in the early 70’s that was a truly remarkable thing that judge did.)So, fast forwarding a bit here but at age 13 after my mom had remarried the cruelest, meanest, most abusive man she could find, I moved to live my dad. Note above she married him 3 times….

Enter – the manipulator – that is my mother. She is playing a game of chess and she uses her tactics of manipulating people into doing what she wants. Don’t get me wrong, no one has ever seen that side of her but me and my husband. He had been with me for close to 3 years before he saw the evil manipulation and it was enough for him to ask her to leave our home.

So, I’m skipping a lot here just because what is readily on my mind has to get out of my mind or I’ll never go to sleep. If anyone expresses interested, I will come back and fill in the gaps later.

I am going to tell you this one thing, it is important to the surroundings of today’s particular chess move on my part…and hers too. The time that my mom got so out of hand that she was asked to leave was after she had found out she had cancer and told many people but not me. Instead, she chose to berate me and condemn my ever action for about 3 days. And, then the proverbial shit hit the not-so proverbial fan. And, she left from my house screaming and crying in a fit of rain with a walmart bag over her head about 10 pm.

So, my mom has battled cancer (has lost 3 brothers to cancer and a sister in Florida that is very sick) and was diagnosed as “in remission” last October. But last week we found out that she does have some re-growth but they aren’t going to do chemo or radiation for 3 months. I don’t know why, that’s just what I was told.

And, speaking of what I am told, I am not told everything. I am an only child and I live 100 yards from my mother but my cousin has been living with her on an off for 3 years now and she tells me way more about how sick my mother really is than my mom ever will.

So, today, as we are mulling around after graduation and I was attempting to straighten out a bill for her, she lost it again.

I spent over an hour and a half trying to get a bill straightened out for my mother. The lady on the phone is talking, mom is talking, and mom is talking to a lady on another phone and trying to tell me what the other lady is saying…..


So, I get off the phone (1.5 hours and 2 lortabs later) and my mom wants to argue with me. I got the email and read the damn thing to her and she just kept saying things like “well why did they do this or why did they do or why did they send me this letter if they didn’t mean for it to be real?”

Now, here’s a couple of tidbits, I was raised in the south, I went through a rough stage when I was 13 or so and being abused by mother's husband but for the most part, I do not talk back to my mother. But, on occasion, and there have only been like 5 in my life, she loses her complete fucking mind and starts yelling crap at me about how horrible my father was and if I knew about his lifestyle, I would think differently about him.”

I cleared the air on that one a couple of big fights ago and let her know that I new it. Since that time she has had nothing to hold over my head. She was beating me at the manipulating game and I forgot I was suppose to be playing.

Now, given, yes this is the woman who has waited on me hand and foot while I’ve been in a cast, she has cleaned my house, done my laundry, cleaned my front lawn and yea, she has cancer. But, she wasn’t ask to do anything except take the boys to school and back and spend time with them when she wanted.

So, today, after that 1.5 hour conversation, she starts to complain to me because we never have any money Now, with that said, we live paycheck to paycheck and right now, we are borrowing from peter to pay paul and then borrowing from paul again so we can peter.

I don’t know what we can do about that. And, right in the midst of all this, my husband was laid off for a week. I don’t have to tell you that I was sick as a dog for 3 days when he told me that. That was a week ago yesterday and at that time I said to myself, which is more important? car notes? electricity? phone bills (my internet is through my phone so that cuts me out of work)..I knew we would never make it til his next paycheck without something being disconnected. So, kept what money I had and waited to see who was going to make the first move and I’d pay them first.

Fast forward to my mom and I getting testy with one another and she explains to me how we live to frivolously (yea, we have satellite tv, not the regular 3 channels) and how we should be doing this and this and this. I am one person in a marriage. I am her daughter and I know she thinks it is ok to say more to me than him, but my husband is a very big shopper. I rarely ever get anything for me other than stuff I win on line.

I let her know that she is making no effort what so ever to enjoy life. She has never for that matter. And, to be perfectly honest with you, the day I has headed to the hospital to be induced to with our first child, my mom said, “I don’t have ever seen you happy in your life, something was always wrong and you look happy right now.”

And wiht that thought, comes the idea that I don’t think I have ever seen my mother and using her own words, “I’ve had a hard life, I am dying I am just not happy” I don’t know how to make her happy, do you?

She complained because we eat out a lot, then she complained because we bought groceries and my husband cooked but didn’t clean the dishes up. She thought that was a sign for her to do it. No, that’s just how it has always been. If we ate at home, he cooked and I did dishes.

But right now I have a medical condition that prevents me from being able to clean up behind him or the kids and so she acts like it is her personal responsibility to do it. And, so the yelling ensues - I tried to explain that I am just one part of the marriage and I have to do to some degree what he wants and in my condition and she cuts me off, she starts screaming and yelling and hollering that she is sick and she is dying and I act like don’t even care.

So, now I am pissed, I do care, it’s all double edged swords at this point. And, I am also pissed that she has chosen to show her ass yet again in front of my kids. My husband and I do not raise our voices to one another ever, not in front of the kids and not ever for that matter.

So, she starts hooping and hollering about how she is sick and she is lonely at her house by herself and I don’t even come out there to check on her. When the truth is, no haven’t been going anywhere that I didn’t have to and she will be at my house and get up and go home and be alone, then be pissed at me because she is alone.

And, when she was sick from the treatments the kids (6 and 4) wanted to see her but she was too sick to deal with them. So, I would leave my kids screaming and crying and begging to see their nanny and go stay with my mom some. An a majority of the time I was there, she was explaining how I needed to go home and be with my kids that I was missing out on too much of their life.


Either way, the phone rings, I had texted my husband in the midst of the argument because my feelings were hurt so bad. He called back after mom had left the room and when she came back inside I was on the with him and sobbing until I couldn’t catch my breath.

So, here we are 24 hours later and she isn’t mad at me but she certainly isn’t happy with me. I don’t know, basically it’s both players yelling “Check Fucking Check” and nothing is accomplished because….no one is willing to back down. I did get up to jolly children though…..they are gone to her house because as soon as I got out of bed, she decided it was time for them to leave..go figure.

As I said, there’s lots of gaps there that could and would explain some of the on-goings but or the most part, this gets the point across. So, if I have anyone asking questions or showing interest, I’ll gladly add some short bits to go with this to help it make sense.

For now, from Anita Beer – I’ll be getting a website sooner or later and at least you will know how to find me.


Courtney said...

Wow i am so extremely sorry that you and your other do not have a working relationship! I can not imagine (my mom passed away when i was 15) how that must make you and your family feel. I hope that things can get better.

pauli said...

well... that sounds familiar... my grandma is exactly like that

we've gotten to a point (all 8 grandkids, 3 SIL and 3 sons) that noone cares for her... we don't listen when she talks... and what's worse: we honestly don't even love her... i know it sounds a bit cruel, but she deserves it...

i think you should try to understad that it doesnt matter how hard you try: she is never going to change...
if it's possible for you to try and ignore her flaws, that's for the best.. but if you can't, my advice is to cut her off...

i understand that she has a condition... but so do you, and you shouldnt be letting anything affect you

if you could follow up on your story, i would be glad to read it :)

LegalMist said...

hang in there.

It is hard to change old patterns of behavior. If you want to try, you have to keep in mind, you can't change her; you can only change your response to her.

Think hard about how you could do things differently, not take the bait, say things with a different tone, say different things... whatever. Just remember that your first thought re: how to respond is likely to lead to the same old patterns, and consciously stop, think of a different response, and try that.

Good luck.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

While I admit she should butt out of your relationship, she makes several valid points. If you can't afford electricity then you cant afford sattelite TV or eating out. You have some F'd up priorities and you are probably teaching them to your children, so good job on that!

Sounds like you both could use a mediator.