Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Can't Let Go

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear He Who Shall Not Be Named:

I've been in love with you for 11 years now. Twice you rejected me telling me it was too soon and you didn't want to hurt me, you just were not ready. I married and had children. And 7 years after I married you tell me you made a mistake. I told you I was going to leave my husband and you said you couldn't wait for me to be free so that you have this third and final chance. And truth be told I was on the fence about leaving but when you said that, despite what I've told you I will always know I left my husband for that chance with you.

Texts and emails and phone calls with wonderful words coming from your mouth that were everything I ever wanted to hear from you. You told me that you wanted to take on my children, that you didn't mind. You wanted this chance you needed this chance.

And then I told you that I kicked my husband out for good. That I was alone and waiting for you. And then you only called when you wanted to have sex. Telling me it was more than a booty call..but I knew better. Then when I got upset with you, you told me to back off a bit and we'd take it slow and you wanted to build a friendship first. So I did. And you called me again out of the blue and what did you want...sex.

I know better. I know that I mean nothing to you. I know this will never happen like I want it to. So why do I keep having sex with you? Because I have this hope that one day you will feel like I do and sex is the only way to keep you around to make that happen.

11 years my love, 11 years. Every day I'd look at my husband and wish he was you. I even secretly named my son after you. A reminder to me that my son would always be first in my life. And yet here I am unable to think of anything but you. It's killing me that you don't love me, but you know I love you and yet you continue to use me. But I can't let go. I can't. For I keep thinking of that small chance that you will love me one day, that I can have what I've been dreaming about for 11 years now.

So tonight when you come over, and during that brief time I feel whole, I hope you see it in my eyes and just let me go..cuz I can't, I am not strong enough to just let you go.

9 comments:

MYSUESTORIES said...

Sounds to me like you ARE strong enough, and it also sounds like you're getting thismuchcloser to doing what you know you need to do! Good luck!

Aunt Becky said...

I think you can do what you need to do. Good luck, my friend.

Post It Note Scrawls said...

IT took a lot of strength to write this. I think you will be able to find the strength to do what you need.

Anonymous said...

best of luck to you.
but you ARE strong enough.
you were strong to write this, and you are getting closer and closer to doing what you need to do.
hugs.

Anonymous said...

i know that kind of love, and mine also broke my heart over and over until I finally broke off all contact with him. i believe that I actually felt my heart break. i still think of him everyday and it has been 12 years since we have seen or spoken to one another. but now when i think of him, it is with deep anger over the way he manipulated my love and humiliated me...and how i humiliated myself. good luck to you!

Anonymous said...

Speaking as a person who grew up seeing my mom go through this....don't do this to your kids. You need to give yourself a chance at a REAL relationship and you can't do that with this guy. Don't let your kids grow up thinking this is the way to carry on a relationship. Really, after 11 years, you just showed him he can do whatever he wants and you'll stick around. Your kids need you to be strong!

Sam said...

If you were really putting your son first, you wouldn't be doing this to him. Let it go, move on and treat yourself to someone that loves you and that you love, too.

Anonymous said...

It breaks my heart that some women think so little of themselves that they are willing to accept any little scrap of a man, rather than face life on their own.

You married a man that you didn't really love, and then left him for a man who doesn't love you. Maybe it is time that you learned to love yourself? You deserve it.

Anonymous said...

I've loved him for 25 years...and I still think he'll come back.

They don't come back...they never really do.

Put yourself first...he doesn't deserve you!