Posted by Anonymous.
Dear Boyfriend of 8 years,
I love you, really I do and I know you love me even if you do not express the words as much. We have been together for 8 years. We are respectively 29 and 30 I think it's time we tie the knot already. Come on, we have lived together forever! Your very best friend in the world is getting married in about a month, and when I mention don't you think we should follow suit, you tell me "I don't follow Suit I wear Suites", while I enjoy your humor, it did hurt a little. I seems that you don;t want to marry me.. we are practically married lets just jump into it already. I'm really ready for kids, you mention them but when I start saying I think it's time we start to think about a family of our own you say we have time.. Yes, but dear boy I want more then one..
And while we are at it, I know your music is important to you really I do. Who else would put up with you in the Computer room 85% of the time? I know you're working on your music and I used to get upset, not so much anymore as you have tried to give me more time, But still is it necessary for you to stay in there on a Saturday from 8am-8pm. I would love to see you sometime away from the computer.
I may not mind so much if you would do something with me that involves leaving the house every so often, I have fell in love with an antisocial man, I know this and I accept it to a certain point, I know crowds make you anxious and I try not to ask you to do things I know you would be miserable doing, but please just say yes to something I ask you to do with me..Want to go to a picnic with my cousins, who you still have not met and again we being together for 8 years, you really should have met them by now.. Nope ok.. Wanna go to the movies.. you say yes but always find a way to get out of it.How about we go next week..I agree and it never happens..
Also when you are mad at me for the love of god please tell me why. You just shut down and that is that, you may or may not talk to me for the rest of the day, and then when you get over it as you always do, I never know why you were upset to begin with. It;s just like it never happened..
I know I should be telling you all this to your face, but i'm a coward and I really don't want to ruin the great thing we have when your not in the computer room or not talking to me.. You really are good to me when you want to be and can be really sweet. But the sweetness lately has come few and far between.
I think you don't know how good you have it with me. No, I'm not perfect, I'm not the best house cleaner, I have my faults but I'm pretty damn easy to please and get along with. I am the most non demanding person on the face of the planet and I wish you would just wake up and see it sometimes.
Everyone that knows us say he has it so good with me. Including his Mother, but I don't think he see's it at this point.. I don't have to heart to break up with him just so he see's how much he has in me. But what else can I do.. I just need honest advise how to talk to him and tell him how I feel. I am the type of person that holds in everything! I hate confrontation and if I can avoid it I will. even if it is at the expense of my own happiness. I get nervous talking to big or even semi-big crowss.. i'm just a quiet person that tries to please everyone...I'm just afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing and ruin everything, because it's not all bad..there are really good times.
I've always been put last in people's "lists" my whole life: my mom, and now him, I just want someone to put me first... WOW this got long...
Thanks in advance for any suggestions or advice!
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26 comments:
I think we may be twins. Are you a Pisces by any chance? Honestly, after 8 years, it's time to talk to him. I'm learning from my current boyfriend who is also very clueless about a lot of things, that it's not that they don't care about our emotional needs, they just don't take hints. They need things spelled out sometimes and we girls have a tendency to expect them to just know what we want or need.
They don't. They need to be told. Clearly. No beating around the bush, no playing coy. After 8 years, you should be able to tell this man how you feel in an adult exchange of words.
EIGHT YEARS of this? Girl, I'm going to tell you the harsh way: He doesn't want to marry you. Move on and find someone who will appreciate you for you. A relationship should not be as hard as all this. Like a bandaid, rip it away.
Will it be tough? yes. But you'll be a stronger person and have a much better and healthier relationship with someone else.
He doesn't want to marry you.
I just read this article today and it's hitting a little too close to home for me, but nowhere as bad as yours.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-alex-benzer/dude-or-dud-the-deadbeat_b_302139.html
I've also been told to watch "He's just not that into you."
I don't know you, but everybody deserves better. Just because he's not mistreating you doesn't mean he's treating you right.
Wow, I dated this guy for three years.
Any time he had to do something that was any fun for me at all, he would ruin it for me by pouting. Totally admitted he knew he was doing it, too.
When I developed a chronic illness and had to quit my job, not only did he refuse to put me on his insurance (his boss actually made the offer), he resented the loss of my income.
Eventually, I moved out. It sucked.
A year later he got his "best friend" pregnant.
This isn't the guy you want. Believe me.
If you're really determined to make it work, then you have to say something. Men are the worst mind readers in the world... you have to TELL them what you need - or you don't have a hope of getting it from them. If you can't speak it to him, write it to him... show him this post - or something similar in a letter just for him. Either he'll wake up and things will get better, or he'll fess up that he's not happy and it's never going to happen. Either way, you can move forward... 8 years is a long time to go nowhere. You only get one live - don't waste it... or let anyone else waste it for you. Good Luck!
You need to learn to speak your voice, voice your needs. Do it now or you will regret it later. You are the only one who can stand up for you. Think about what you want, what you need; and then ask if he can give that to you.
Really, do it now. Don't wait, it will get worse with marriage, I know from experience.
"I know I should be telling you all this to your face, but i'm a coward and I really don't want to ruin the great thing we have when your not in the computer room or not talking to me..."
Honey, you need to take a deep breath, step back and really look at your 'great thing'. Your boyfriend of 8 years spends a whopping 85% of his time alone in his computer room, and much of the rest of it not talking to you, avoiding going out with you, and refusing to meet your family. Is this really how you want to spend your life? Do you really believe this is a 'great' relationship?
You deserve better. And if you don't believe this, find a counselor who will help you realize that you deserve better. And pack your bags, move out and move on. Give yourself a chance to find someone to have a truly 'great thing' with.
If you keep doing the same things, you are going to keep getting the same results. It's time for YOU to decide where YOU would like to be and then do what you have to to get there. If hecomes along for the ride of YOUR life, then fine. If not? Probably even better!
Hon, they don't change just because they marry you. Do you really want to do this for the rest of your life?
8 years. I have to say I believe he has a good thing, but I can't say the same for you.
Many states consider it to be a common law marriage after a couple lives together for a certain number of years. "Breaking up housekeeping" isn't a bit less trouble or painful than divorce.
If he doesn't want to marry, it may be time to cut your losses.
After reading your whole post I have to wonder if you want to marry this man because you think you'll have a wonderful life together or if you want to marry him because your biological clock is ticking.
However, no matter what, if you're going to stay with him you have to tell him how you feel. Communication is key in any working relationship. If he doesn't truly hear what you're saying then it's probably not the right relationship for you.
You deserve to be an equal in this or any partnership. Remember that.
I know you may be willing to justify sacrificing your happiness in the relationship because you want to be a mom so bad, but babies make bad relationships worse. If you are only getting 15% of his time right now, can you imagine having to share that little slice with a little person that is much more needy than you are? The people who've responded before me are right, things won't get better if you sign the paper, and he may resent you if he feels like you "made" him marry you, and distance you even more. Add kids into that mix, and you have yourself one heck of a bad situation... digging out with just yourself is bad enough, but divorcing and becoming a single mother is more than one person should ever have to take on. Consider strongly what it is you really want, and be realistic about how you can get it- chances are, there is a wonderful person out there waiting for you to break up with your crappy boyfriend. Read "He's Just Not That Into You"-I guarantee it will change your perspective on things- for the better!!
You need to pack your bags and leave. You are planning to spend the rest of your life with a man who does not want to get married, go out in public, spend time with the people who care about him. Pack your bags and leave. After 8 years it will not change. You are selling yourself short and setteling for something. You deserve much much more and should demand it for yourself. Good luck.
Marriage does not define love. You don't have to be married to be in love or share your lives with one another. Now the children issue is a separate one. If he's not ready and you are, then you have to make a choice. Either wait, or move on to someone who is ready.
I agree with everyone who says get out of the relationship--and fast. No more wasting time. That's time you'll need to find a hero after you lose the zero. I know that expression is so 1995 but I think it applies here. Actions speak louder than words. He's not giving you anything you want or need. If he really loved you, he would be trying a lot harder. Don't be a doormat. Get some counseling and realize that you need to find someone to treat you like a queen. You're worth it. Would you want him to neglect his children like he's neglecting you and selfishly waste all of his time on his own hobbies? Can you imagine having kids and needing help with the day-to-day things that can overwhelm you? You know where he'll be--in the computer room. You deserve more and so do your future children.
You deserve better. And your future children deserve better. Do you really want him to be the father of your children? Do you really want the relationship you have to be the example they grow up with. For your daughter to sell herself short and settle for less than makes her totally happy because that's all she knows? It would be really tough to leave a man after 8 years, I can't imagine having to do it but please, consider what your future will look like if you don't. If he's already withdrawn, bringing children (stressful, demanding children) will likely cause him to withdraw more.
Good luck.
He is not the person you want to have children with. A man who spends all day away from you already? Run.Away.Now! Seriously, relationships don't get better with marriage and children. They get more complicated and spouses need good communication skills and the ability to appreciate one another and be able to see through to the other side of the tough patch they are in - because there will be tough patches. Honestly neither of you sound ready for marriage and children. Sitting around and being walked on - this is what you want to offer him as a wife? Please go to the picnic with me? What about inviting the family to your house? Are you willing to travel to all future family gatherings alone with your children? Please go back and read the other posts from women lonely in their marriages but stuck because they have children and their husbands never became the people they thought they would after marriage and children. As if.
It will be one of the hardest things you've ever done to leave him, but it is absolutely true that when one door closes, another one opens. If you've been with him since you were 21, you'll find you learn so much about yourself you didn't know and you'll meet someone who appreciates you for who you are and can't wait to spend all of their free time with you. I really believe that. There are so many fish in the sea that life isn't worth spending without the best fish you can catch. You CAN catch better!!
I convinced that guy to marry me - and things certainly didn't get better. I have been married to him for 9 years now, never did get around to having kids and now I'm almost 40, he still can be sweet sometimes BUT it's always about him, all about him and what he wants. He still doesn't want to go anywhere with my family and I have to put my foot down.
If you are willing for life to continue as it is and probably get worse and for him to shut down even more - then have that talk. But if you'd like a life where you have kids, and socialize with friends and family occasionally then I suggest your talk include why you are not really happy and need to get the hell out of there.
* This is the Poster*
Thank you everyone. Since i wrote this we have talked a little about the issues. I think I am going to take everyone's advise into consideration, talk to him about what upsets me and if he doesn't want to make the effort to make it better, I may just have to move on. No matter how hard that will be. 8 yrs is a lot to throw away so I want to give him a fair chance to be more attentive. But I won't wait forever. There will be a time frame and if it doesn't get better. I'll make the decision. I do appreciate everyone's Advise though!
Thank You!
OMG! RUN AWAY FROM THAT RELATIONSHIP AS FAST AS YOU CAN....FOR BOTH OF YOUR SAKES! DO YOU REALLY THINK ANYTHING WILL CHANGE ONCE YOU GET MARRIED? IT WILL NOT. IT WILL BE MAGNIFIED...RUN, RUN, AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
Become your own best friend. Make a list of what you want out of life and don't compromise. If you want a fulfilling marriage and children you can have it. You just have to recognize WHEN you are in a quality relationship. This does NOT sound like a quality relationship to me. Just because it is familiar, and in some ways comfortable, DOES NOT mean it is good for you. It is tough because people usually choose what is familiar to them EVEN when what is familiar to them is NOT good for them. This is one of the reasons why it is so important to parent your children to feel what it like to be treated in a functional way. When children are parented in a way that they just don't feel that important to their parents they end up choosing a relationship with a person where they just don't feel that important. If preserving this relationship was important to your boyfriend he would show it. He seems to behave like a lump and not show you how important you are to him by taking steps to bring your relationship to the next level. It is not his fault per se. He is his own problem, don't let him be yours. Figure out what you want out of life and don't take second best. You are worth it. You have yourself, you have your health, you have your youth, you have your fertility. If you want marriage and kids say so, if he doesn't step up, move on! Get what you want out of life by creating it, don't sit around waiting and hoping for it to happen. Don't give him all of the control over where the relationship goes. CREATE what you want. Start by being your own best friend. See a life coach counselor. You'll get it figured out but don't waste any more time. Inside 6 months if the relationship is not moving forward, if it is stagnating, if you aren't having any fun, it's not the right one for you. You're just not that into him, but you don't know it yet.
Put yourself first. You count. You matter. You decide what's good for you and don't take anything less. You are not his housemaid, you are not his pet. You are a human being with needs, wants, desires, goals. This will be hard for you because you are not used to it, you are not practiced in it, but put yourself first. It is not wrong to put yourself first. Try to behave in the way that you would like your children to behave when they are adults. Try to behave in a way that is a good role model for your (eventual) children. Let them see a strong person who knows how to give and TAKE in a relationship. We treat people how to treat us. This will take courage but start acting in a manner that is reasonable and functional. I think you are right on track when you ask for advice about how to communicate. So much of it is stating what you want and sticking to it. In a good relationship people compromise in balance.
"...you may or may not talk to me for the rest of the day, and then when you get over it as you always do, I never know why you were upset to begin with. It;s just like it never happened.."
This IS.A.RED.FLAG!
I know you probably won't be able to understand or even really hear this, but you should leave him now. He may marry you if you force the issue, he may even have a child with you (after you beg and cajole), but he will never change. REPEAT: HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. And he will ALWAYS resent you for 'making' him grow up.
Do you like going to everything alone? Get used to it - if you stay with him, he will always have a good reason to not attend family parties, weddings, etc. etc. You will also be alone in raising the kids and he will NEVER get it that he is missing the best thing that ever happened to him. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.
So if you like the idea of being along raising the kid(s), making excuses for why you can't have anyone over, making excuses for why your husband doesn't love you enough to come with you to normal social outings, by all means stay with this guy. But I can tell you - I was married to him for 19 years, and I thought I could do it, I thought that he would see how great our life could be together (with family and friends galore). But all he wanted to sit at home in front of the TV on weekends and play Madden for hours and hours and hours and never, ever do anything else. Boy scouting with the kids? “No way! I wasn’t a Scout and I don’t want to get to know these other dads” Go to their games? “I'm nursing a cold & I have allergies.” Weddings/family vacations/parties? “Not a chance - I am too tired from working all week!”
You are still young – you deserve better. If you had a daughter, would you want this for her? Don’t settle – it’s scary to change - I know, but try to get out there and find something better for yourself.
Break up with him. This is not workable. It might seem safe to stay with him, because it's what you know. But you DO NOT want to have kids with someone like this. You will be miserable. Your kids deserve far better than a dad who prefers his computer to his family. It's better to be alone than in a relationship like this. "Not the best house cleaner"????? Let him pick up the broom then. Won't go places with you, gives you silent treatment, spends all his time on the computer??? RUN LIKE HELL. And then come back here and tell us you did it. I want you to go look on Craigslist for an apartment right now. With some other folks in their 20s or 30s. You'll wonder what took you so long. HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU. You only get one life. Don't blow it by staying with this guy.
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