I'm 29. Single mom. Have been seeing a guy for 3.5 years. He does not want to get married. Hes made that clear. I hate it. I think if he loves me as much as he says he does, it should be an option. If he loves my kids as much as he says he does, it should be a given. But its not. So, the more frustrated I get, the less I care about the relationship. Whatever happens, happens.
For, oh, 11-12 years, I've been at least a little bit in love with another guy. We had a clandestine affair when I was 18/19. He had a girlfriend, I dated other people. We lost touch. Next time we talked was about 3-4 years ago. He bought a membership to classmates.com just to find me. I was in a relationship. We talk off and on via the internet (gotta love FB & Myspace), phone, text, etc. Lately, we've been talking a LOT more. About everything... We are both in relationships. Neither of us is married. Neither of us is happy.
The talk turns to why we never pursued a serious relationship before. And how timing sucks now. And if we will ever be single at the same time (he says no, cuz then we'd be together and wouldn't be single).
I won't cheat. I got burned by it and will not get physical with someone else when I'm in a relationship. I know, the talk probably isn't appropriate either.
I'm almost to the point, though, where I want to just ixnay the current relationship and find out what could be. But, then I'm scared. Am I just throwing away what I have? Have I tried enough? Or am I right... have I done all I can do and it really is time to say enough is enough!
I don't know.... someone help????
9 comments:
Whether or not you do anything with guy 2, I suggest ending your current relationship. You want marriage - he doesn't,and he's made that clear. That's not going to change, and in this case it's probably a dealbreaker.
Once you're out, you shouldn't rush into anything with guy number 2. The internet isn't reality, as we all know. For your sake, and the sake of your kids, you need to take things slowly. Assess your needs - what is a dealbreaker for you? What qualities do you want in a husband/father? What do YOU want in a relationship? If you do end up dating guy number 2, I wouldn't rush into anything physical until you have stronger, real life experiences on which to base your decision. You don't want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.
Be strong. I think you know that the current relationship isn't going where you want/need it to --but make your decision based on you, not on whether or not guy #2 is your next step.
You said "Am I just throwing away what I have?"
What have you got, exactly, that's so worth holding on to? A guy who offers you and your children no future, while you're secretly emotionally involved with another man.
If you could be considering these things, you've already let the relationship go. You just haven't done it physically. I think it's time. Even if you don't end up with the 2nd guy.
Sounds like guy #1 has already ixnayed the kind of relationship you (and your children) deserve. Time to go back to single again. And then you can see what happens with number 2. Who knows? Maybe there is even a knight on a white horse out there for you. You will never know if you don't try for greener pastures!
I've learned, the hard way sometimes, that if you are seriously entertaining thoughts of being with someone else, then you should just end the relationship. If it was a meaningful relationship you wouldn't be having thoughts of being with someone else.
It's not fair for you, or him (regardless of what he says or does that you don't like- someone's got to be the adult) so I say be the adult and walk away.
It's hard to end a relationship, but it needs to be done.
If dude #1 won't marry you, what are you losing by ending things with him (if marriage is what you want)? I would suggest that you take things slowly (if at all) with guy #2 though, as you might not want to jump right in to another relationship. I wish you all the best, either way.
It's not so bad to be alone. People just go from one unfulfilling relationship to the next, never taking the time to really get to know themselves and what they want from life. Who they want to be and who they want to share this journey with. Nothing is ever perfect unless you decide it is. If you don't like the current state of your relationship, let it go. Let him go to find someone who doesn't need to be married to be happy. Or someone he does want to marry.
I agree with the above comment who says take some time for yourself. I did so and am better for it and so my life is. I was in bad relationships and when I got preggo and left the Father because he was a bad one too, I stayed single for 2 years. I focused on me and my kid, and only us. I promise you'll be surprised at what you learn about yourself. I sounds cliche, but it's easy to lose yourself in a relationship. Good Luck.
I am wondering if the marriage issue is the only reason you are unhappy in your current relationship. If so, it would be interesting to take a deep look at why marriage is so important to you, keeping in mind that about half of marriages end in divorce anyway.
Deal breaker issues like marriage can seriously impact otherwise happy relationships. It might be worth figuring out if you'd be happy together if this wasn't an issue. If the marriage issue isn't the only thing causing you to look outside your current relationship, than it's time to break it off, regardless of wether or not you end up with Mr. Love/Lust.
Best of luck!
He's not going to change his mind. You're going to continue to want marriage and grow more and more frustrated until you hate his guts. Better to bail now than wait until all that ill will builds up.
Bill
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