Thursday, December 03, 2009

You're So Vain

Posted by Anonymous.

I bet you think this blog is about you, don’t you? Well, for once it is.

I’m the mother of a beautiful five month old guy. He wasn’t planned, he wasn’t expected and despite the terrible first few months of learning how to deal with this little alien I created, I love him to pieces. Unfortunately, there is ONE thing that is not addressed in pre-natal classes that becomes an issue after baby is born.

Breast feeding? Check – been through the hell, done that.

To swaddle or not to swaddle? Check.

Lack of sleep, lack of a proper diet? Check

Post partum depression? Check check and check!

The fact that your once supportive partner will quickly become a stranger and ‘not be able to deal’ with the changes in your relationship? Definitely NOT covered.

I’m starting to think that men should have a separate segment of pre-natal classes; how to deal with their own warring emotions, how to handle jealousy and how to realize that sure, your happiness is important, but there is now a new little demanding creature whose needs do come first.

After almost five years, he decided to leave, right after I was diagnosed with post partum depression and having to accept the fact that medication was necessary. After five years and being beyond supportive during my pregnancy, beyond supportive and helpful in the first two months of the new little one’s life, he decides he’s ‘miserable’ and can’t handle it anymore. He walks out, expecting me to grasp at any small bit of strength I can find. After five years, he decides he’s not sure if he knows what love is and has feelings for someone at work, whom he has confided all in recently. After five years, he’s decided that he’s not happy and someone else needs his support and energy more than his young son and his still adjusting wife to be.

And after all this, he expects me to be understanding, sympathetic...and not make it hellish for him when he comes to visit the little guy. He doesn’t understand why I’m so bitter, of course and why my normally in check temper comes out blaring sirens. He can’t understand why “no one wants him to be happy”

I’m supposed to be supportive and keep it together. It’s not easy.


Anonymous said...

Oh, I feel you more than I can begin to explain. I'm so sorry.

The best advice I got when I was in this same situation (a whole whopping month ago) was to be consistent and safe. I know it's not what you want to hear or definitely be in any way, but if you at all want him to change his mind, be consistent and safe.

And remind him from time to time that custody battles are endless and child support sure is a bummer. You know, to remind him what a dickhead he's being.

Anonymous said...

Ha! Fuck supportive.

However, do keep it together. He should not be "visiting" the little guy. He should be caring for his son equally or taking himself off somewhere and letting you get on with your life. If he's just coming over to play, then he deserves some temper.

If he's bringing the groceries, and watching your son while you go get a nap, then he's doing his part. Then you should try to keep your temper in check.

Either way, it may be a good time to sit down with him and inform him that since he was not so worried about your happiness, you can't be bothered to worry about his. Also, you could inform him that his happiness is secondary to the comfort and security of your son. Then maybe tell him to grow up and be responsible.

Although my husband didn't leave and was mainly supportive and helpful, he did make comments about how I was all about the baby. And how I had no other interests. You're right about that part of childbirth class... Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I second basically everything that anonymous at 6:18 said.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you at a time when you are already stretched to the limits.

He is not much of a man in my opinion.

Maybe this was a lucky escape?

It took two children for me to realise that my first husband was always going to put his needs first. I found myself a real man eventually and we have two more together. I say move on.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I am so sorry for you. Of course it's not easy for him to adapt to the new situation, but he should have talked to you frankly about his being "miserable" before leaving cowardly and perhaps a better communication could have helped you both.
When my first daughter was born, my husband told me at some point that he felt I didn't care at all about him anymore, except for his help with the baby. That was kind of true at the time because I was exhausted and depressed but I tried to show him more affection and he tried to understand me and it got better. Anyway it's just a phase. It gets better after a few months.

I hope you can find the strength to move on and to get him to take an active part in the education of his son, or even to get back together if that's what you want.
Good luck !

Anonymous said...

You have no obligation to be "supportive". Just to be civil enough to keep the lines of communication open.

sounds like he's decided that growing up is optional and too much like hard work. Inconsiderate doesn't even come close to what he has done to you at this vulnerable time in your life.

look after yourself and your baby, let him look after himself.

Looking after yourself may, or may not, include trying to be calm and less bitter. Even though you have every reason to be angry and disappointed in him.

Personally, i'd make a voodoo doll and stick pins in it.

Anonymous said...

How awful for you, how heartbreaking and awful. I'm so sorry.

You do NOT have to be supportive. Mature, perhaps civil, maybe, but why in the world would you need to be supportive to him?

My advice is to make every attempt to be brutally honest with an even tone of voice. That is incredibly difficult, but very effective.

Beyond that, I would encourage you to spend the time and energy you have taking care of yourself and that PPD. Focus on your healing and ask others for help with what you need. I hope the medication works and I hope you find the strength that will be needed to go through this difficult season.

Anonymous said...

Eff him,the horse he rode in on and his little dog,too.
He sounds like my late-husband. He died when our daughters were 3 and 5. They are 9 and 11 now.
We were married for 10 years before our first daughter was born. He told me 8 years into the marriage that he didn't want children. I told him we needed to divorce because I did want children. He agreed to have kids, and damn! he made me pay.

With our first, on weekends he would sometimes kindly bring the baby to our bed for me to nurse in the mornings, adding a hateful "You better get up" as he shoved her at me. Of course I got up, as I got up a dozen times some nights. He never once got up during the night.
I learned to not say "tired" when he asked how I was feeling so I didn't have to hear "You're ALWAYS tired!" "Tired" would also cause me to have to hear "Well, YOU wanted 'em."
Stretching out on the sofa for 5 minutes bought me "Eh, so you're gonna take a nap now?"
If he were still alive we would NOT still be married. My current husband of 2 years (this is his first marriage, his only children) has been a better father than my late-husband ever was.
Good riddance (sp?) to bad fathers. Having a penis doesn't make an adult male a man.
TN Mom

Anonymous said...

Kudos to you for having the balls to stand up for yourself. Screw his ass to the wall, I say, and look after yourself and your little guy! You don't owe him anything.

Anonymous said...

Kill him with kindness. I'm not saying be a push over but the best thing I ever did with my ex was to be really nice. Say 'oh dear what a shame' and 'I'm so sorry', be more reasonable than reasonable, drop in stories about so and so who are going through a shitty divorce and how she's taking him for every penny. One day he'll realize how lucky he is to have an ex who is reasonable. One day he'll say sorry if he's any kind of man. The nicest thing my ex ever said to me was 'I'm pretty lucky that you're his mum, I'm sorry I was a d*ck.'

It's taken four years but we're pretty good friends now and you know what? It's awesome. It's fantastic for our son who has a mummy and a daddy who don't fight all the time and who can take him to the zoo together without drawing blood!

My house was never off limits, he's always been welcomed because this is my son's home and I've always, always tried to work on the basis that this is what is best for him. Put that at the front of your brain and grit your teeth. I cried for months after my son was born (his dad cheated on me while I was pregnant -- top guy!) but it does get easier. I had PPD too and it sucked. I spent a long time dealing with stuff just because it was what was best for our son, now I deal with it because I want to and seeing my boy happy makes me happy. Plus, we're genuinely friends who spend time together because we want to. Being bitter and resentful only hurts you and your baby, not his daddy.

Anonymous said...

I always taught my Lamaze couples that the first feeling they were going to have... after the initial feeling of amazement... would be the questions echoing in their heads "What the hell did we DO??". Weeks of lack of sleep, adjustment to bathing & feeding something else besides yourself, never having any alone time... it's hell on earth. Just as much for mom as it is for dad. If you're not ROCK solid in your relationship, I can see how easy it would be for either dad OR mom to bail out. Many moms have, ya know... leaving dad holding the bag. The situation happens to be opposite in this case. It sounds like your man had this babe on the side long before you gave birth... and now that life is considered an "extreme sport" for both of you, he headed south... decided he just couldn't do it anymore. Yeah, that's a rotten thing to do... totally rotten. But I can totally understand it. Don't you feel like bailing out too?

But here you are, no man, with baby. Go forward... research & get on some bio-identical hormones so that you can get your system straightened out again... and go forward as a single parent. I'm guessing you saw this coming even before you got pregnant? I dunno... I'm just guessing. But none of that matters now. Your baby needs at least one stable parent and you've got to be it... cos the other parent obviously doesn't want to do it.

I'm sorry this happened. It sucks but lots of things in life suck. Screwing up a kid's life is probably one of the worst things a dad can do. He's a sucker! Be glad he's gone and let the other chick deal with him. You'll be happy again, with some other guy who won't do this to you & will accept your child as his own. And it will fry the baby's real daddy but too bad. He can cry in his spilled milk at that point all he wants to. Too late, sucka!

Take care honey~ Andrea xoxoxoxo

Stone Fox said...

your ex is a selfish, selfish insecure man. you are not responsible for his happiness and if he wants to think that you "just don't want him to be happy" then go ahead and let him think that. is he paying child support? if not, march your butt down to the courthouse and get a file started. you are likely exhausted and you are dealing with a lot right now. lean on anyone and everyone you can to help you get through this. "it takes a village to raise a child" is especially true when the sperm donor of said child is an idiot. sorry he turned out to be a dud, honey.