Sunday, January 10, 2010

Living With The Hurt

Posted by Anonymous.

You hurt me and the hurt has not gone away. I can't seem to push it down or pull it out of my mind. You, my "mother" for more years than my real mother was able to spend with me, lied about me. It was several years ago that you sent out a vicious email in response to an innocent question from me. The saying "ripped me a new one" came alive for me as I read your diatribe. I felt physically ill. I felt a deep rage. I go for months without thinking of it and then it pops up in my head. It still can make me sick to my stomach.

You, you go on later as though you are the kindly Christian woman you'd like all of us to believe you are... no apology because you are right no matter how horribly you act. You think you deserve an apology. I won't give it. I go along with your stupid game only for the sake of my siblings and my poor Alzheimer's father. Without them you would have been the recipient of a hard slap and then I would be gone. Forever, never to be hurt by you again.
I don't know where your anger came from exactly but I can be fairly certain it has something to do with the fact I won't kowtow to you. I won't leap to the rescue with every crisis. You don't seem to be able to live without a crisis. You make everything all about you. Someone's mother-in-law dies and you talk endlessly about the guilt you feel for not praying a specific prayer over her. WTF? I am pretty sure that God would have heard your prayer regardless of where you said it. What in the world does that poor woman's death have to do with you?
Everything revolves around your little bank book of pluses and minuses - You did X for me, so I need to let you treat me like shit and be at your beck and call. It took me a long time to realize that no matter what I did it would not be enough. I would never be good enough. Never. And then to wonder why, why would I care? All I wanted after my mother's death was someone to love me and encourage me. Instead I got you. Lucky f**king me.
I try not to hate you because that hate will just hurt me.


Sharon said...

Dear 'Living With The Hurt,'

I'm sure I could say lots. I am prone to avalanche way too much at times. :) But today I thought I'd refrain from too much saying. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry you were hurt. And I'm sorry that your hurt is still hurting.

Anonymous said...

OMG I could have written this! I can so feel your pain and empathize with the path and duration of destruction this person has left you with. I wish I had pithy words of wisdom for you, but I'm also dealing with fallout from a long term relationship with a horribly narcissistic, borderline personality. The only thing that has helped me is speaking to a therapist, who has allowed me to separate my hurt at the loss of the relationship from how utterly unhealthy this person is, and how much better off I will be without her. I will be checking your comments, and wish you the strength to just walk away and get some help. Peace to you, and us all.

Katie said...

For the sake of your own happiness and well being do not waste brain space, energy, time, etc on this persons weaknesses.