Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Out From Under The Table

Posted by Anonymous.

Many years ago I used to build forts under the kitchen table. It was my safe spot in a home life that was hell. My mother was in an abusive relationship. He was an angry mean drunk. He started abusing me when I was 10. At first the abuse was just physical and then it turned worse. I was dragged from under the table one night and raped. I would be raped again and again for some time until my mother finally got the courage to leave him when I was 13.

This past week my mom went back to that street, that house where her daughter was raped to see it. When I asked why she would want to do that I was met with don't you remember the good memories and from my sister you should concentrate on the good times we had growing up.

My memories of childhood are of a fleeting number of good times but most lets just say I could write a best selling horror novel based on my tween years. After leaving the drunk my mom got involved with men who ran drugs and my mom was a mule into the prison system, what is worse she took me and my sister with her. She never got caught. I have few good memories and those I do have are not of times with her or that house but when my father would come and take us away from it all for a fleeting moment.

I don't think I am crazy when I say why in the hell would you want to visit a place where you almost died and where your child had their childhood stolen from them! I think visiting that place brings back nothing but bad memories at least for me even hearing of her visit I was brought back to that moment when I was dragged from under the table and raped.

Then when I blogged about being a childhood rape survivor my mother and sister got after me and said some things should remain private. Some things should not be talked about. My mother dared to say to me, "What kind of mother will people think I was?" You see, even at her old age she is in a new relationship unfettered by past choices. She doesn't want to acknowledge the hell we lived through and survived. My sister wanted to just bury it.

Me --the survivor-- needs to talk about it and share because maybe just maybe I can help someone else. I did survive and there is life out from the under the table and it needs to be shared and cherished but with that said the past needs to be remembered or it will be repeated and I will not let that happen as long as I have a voice.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my God, you poor thing, what an awful time you had. I think your mother and sister sound nuts, you cannot bury something like that with out turning into a nutjob. Good for you for sharing to try and help others. I really wish you happiness and peace in your life now. Best wishes.
J

Val said...

I too am a survivor of childhood molestation. I too have been told to "get over it" Do what ever works for you...people that haven't been where we have don't know. I build walls and don't have memories good or bad of childhood so instead of going back to the scene I ask my child hood friends to remind me of fun times, believe it or not its healing to know I had fun (because I really don't remember lots of my childhood) counselor says its because in blocking out bad feelings you block out everything. remembering the good is good....remembering the bad is unneccessary. Your mom doens't want to take responsibility...its painful so stop trying to make your mom and sister get it. Do what works for you! I'm 57 and have many more good days then bad so hang in there and take care of you! and yes counseling really does help! good luck and remember to love yourself!
Val

Jennifer said...

I understand. The only way that I feel better is to help....(((HUGS))) You are not alone and thank you so much for sharing. It is not easy.

littlewarriors.ca

Anonymous said...

You are not at all crazy, surprising considering what you went through. I wish I had your strength.
You empower others when you speak about what happened to you. You may even prevent it from happening to someone.
I would love to read your blog. If it is public, email me at ameitup at yahoo dot com

Raine said...

You're not crazy. If anything, it's crazy of them to expect you to be cool with them going back to reminisce, much less to expect you to "remember the good times".

Kudos to you for coming forward and speaking out regardless of what they have to say about it. I think the pressure to keep "family secrets" or abuse hidden makes things so much worse most've the time.

Andrea said...

I'm very sorry for the loss of your childhood and the horror you had to endure!! Definitely your mom and sister do not have the strength to deal with the things they have done/been through. You can only live your truth. I am impressed by your courage and touched by your story. Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

You are right. You say anything you damn well please.
I wish I could give you a hug.
take care xo

Michelle said...

I couldn't even imagine the horror you went through. Shame on your mother for wanting you to keep it private because of what people will think of HER. It isn't her story to tell, and maybe she should face the kind of mother she really was.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

You are an amazing person.

Carol said...

Talk, rant, yell, scream, throw things. This is your history, your hurt, your trauma, not theirs and they have no right to tell you how to get through this.
I've experienced some bad things in my life and the only thing that helped me was to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, until, the things that happened to me were just words and no longer had the power to hurt. Then I was able to grow and be stronger, for me. I wish you a willing ear, and a heart that heals.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for the hell you lived through. You do whatever YOU need to do to keep surviving, and to hell with anyone who tells you otherwise. You're much stronger than I think you realize.

Anonymous said...

Honestly? I'm beyond shocked you have anything to do with your mother and sister -especially your mother!- after surviving your childhood. It just doesn't sound healthy for you to maintain these 'relationships' if they can't even acknowledge their part in your horrible past, or act as if it's something you should be ashamed of and keep it to yourself. If anyone should be ashamed, it's your mother.

Use your voice. Be proud of your survivor status. You've earned it and then some.

Jaden Paige said...

Shame on your Mother and sister for trying to keep you quiet!! You have every right to- very likely NEED to- speak about what happened to you. You are brave and strong, and what happened to you is atrocious. Good for you for speaking out, sharing and standing up for yourself so that this might help someone else. I can't even believe they would go back and reminisce about the "happy times"... That makes me so upset! I second the motion that I just wish I could hug you... Thank you for sharing your story.

Anonymous said...

She's continuing to abuse you by denying the abuse that happened in your childhood.

Anonymous said...

If it helps you, keep talking about your childhood no matter what your mother and sister say.

If it helps you, STOP talking to your mother. And don't feel guilty about not talking to her. If she wants a good relationship with you, she needs to act like someone who cares about you. She is not doing that.

RNW said...

Take care of YOU. Do what you know, or think, you need to do to be well and healthy for yourself. I am sorry you are not getting the support that I wish you were getting from your mom and sister. It is very hard. I wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

thank you <3
violenceunsilenced.com

followthatdog said...

I'm so sorry. No child should have to endure that. And you are right to speak out, to give voice to the horror you survived, because you did survive and many other do not. You can help others by sharing your past, don't let those who wish to erase your history, your courage, tear down what you have built in order to protect their imaginary world.
Thank you for sharing your story with us, and know that you have the support of many even if those who lived through it with you choose to pretend it never happened.

Anonymous said...

I think you are a very strong, brave independent woman. And I think sharing your story is good.