Tuesday, February 09, 2010

About The Neighbor

Posted by Anonymous.

I know what I’m doing is wrong and that I’ve finally turned into a “statistic” but I feel like I can’t help myself. I’m your average, middle class, married working woman, two kids, nice house, church going, supportive family. Everything that should make me a “good” person. Here I am in the midst of a tumultuous affair with my next-door neighbor. Let me go back to the beginning…

I’ve been a good wife for the most part these past 10 years. Our marriage was never anything exciting but it was comfortable, solid, something I decided I just needed to be happy with. I never strayed all these years, though more than once I considered having an affair usually out of anger or frustration. Several jobs, two houses, and two kids later here we are at present day.

HE’s been there, lurking in my vision for quite a while now. Always a neighbor, never even allowing myself to think of crossing the line. Then this summer things changed, the world shifted. Suddenly I found myself flirting with him, albeit casually.

We live next door to each other and are the “outside” parents – the ones who are always outside with the kids, playing, laughing, and being the “fun” parent when we can. A little banter here, a little banter there. Suddenly I was in a whirlwind of having a crush on HIM. It was fun, harmless I told myself. But I found myself checking out the window to see if he and his kids were outside a little more frequently. My ears perked up at the sound of his truck coming home. I found excuses to be outside more and more and more.

I caught myself thinking about him here and there, imagining what a kiss would feel like, fantasizing about being wrapped in his arms.. Then that fateful night came. A neighborhood party. We hung out for hours, totally PG flirting. HE confessed HE wasn’t happily married. I could feel the tension between us. The interest. The desire. We finally walked back home and I wanted HIM to kiss me. It didn’t happen though we had some intense eye contact for a while.

Then two days later, a shot that rocked my world. HE was there. Just through Facebook at first. Sending an encouraging message, letting me know HE was thinking of me. One fateful day he popped up in a chat box on Facebook. I was sad and teary but he managed to make me laugh. Playing a chat version of 20 questions turned into him making a quick trip over to see me. The first time we had so obviously sought each other out. So friendly and neighborly. Numbers were exchanged and a few friendly phone calls followed.

A few days later, I was doing my best to put my life back together and a rare warm late fall day we got to be outside for hours with the kids. Flirting was rampant though kept in check due to the presence of both our spouses. In an opportune moment, HE leaned over and whispered HIS email address to me and asked me to email HIM the next day.

Our work email exchange was/is ridiculous. Sometimes as many as 50 emails back and forth a day. Pushing for more information, teasing, flirting, challenging me. I had the opportunity to be home early one day and let HIM know. HE came over to “talk.” I was a nervous schoolgirl. Couldn’t hardly look HIM in the eye. Things got close, intense. HE said I had to make the first move; I started to and then hesitated. He pulled back. A moment later, HE dove in. The most amazing kissing of my life. All the while, I was thinking, “I am breaking my marriage vows right here in my own kitchen with my next door neighbor. Seriously? This is my life?”

More phone calls and emails. Such chemistry. A few days later things progressed. I stopped just in the nick of time. Who am I doing this? On my own couch with my own neighbor? More days passed. Hundreds of emails, more than a few phone calls. It was time to piss or get off the pot. I got off the pot. We started having sex – in MY bed – on a fairly regular basis. Whenever we could meet up and it was relatively “safe” from discovery. The physical chemistry is just overwhelming. He’s so appealing to me even though this is crazy and messed up.

Almost three months later, I’m obsessed, wrapped up in a web of mixed emotions. I long to be with him but know it’s virtually impossible. Relationship with husband is seriously on the rocks and essentially over. All that’s left is for me to tell him it’s officially over. Know I’m hurting him but feel like I can’t imagine a life with us together ever again. As much as I try not to think of a “future” with HIM, it’s getting harder by the day.

We avoid talking about feelings other than to tease each other. We both have said we’re crazy for each other. My marriage is/will be ending soon. Not so sure about his. Life is complicated. Now the question is, will I be happy being the other woman in his life if he decides he can’t leave yet?

46 comments:

Anonymous said...

Everybody cheats. Prepare yourself when you find out how long and with how many he's been with when you finally drop your bomb on him.

Anonymous said...

No, not everybody cheats. I know lots of people who don't.

You've inserted yourself into your neighbor's marital problems--if there are problems; he might just claim to be unhappily married in an effort to sleep with you--and you're going to find yourself entangled in them for the length of your relationship with him, if you're lucky. If you're not, the entanglement will long outlive this clearly doomed mess you've made.

Your marriage is what you make it. If you're looking for excitement and thrills every day, you've found it, at the expense of your relationship with your husband, your kids, your neighborhood relationships. You can't honestly think this neighbor--who won't have an honest discussion about why it is that the two of you are doing what you're doing--is going to be a partner to you once the thrill of having an affair wears off.

If you don't want to be married to your husband anymore, don't. But have the good sense to stay out of other people's marriages and families. Poaching what someone else has isn't the same as making it for yourself. And if you formed some kind of long-term relationship with this neighbor, can you honestly say you'd ever trust him to not do to you what he's done with you?

Stop now, before it destroys the things you value. Get some counseling and be prepared to face the consequences of your actions. In short, be a grownup.

Sincerely,

Someone who's never cheated and never been cheated on, thanks to the value I place on the feelings of people who care about me.

Anonymous said...

What you're doing is wrong. There's nothing more to say. I hope you emerge from this with the respect and love of your kids and that your husband and you work things out - you need to break it off with the neighbor and deal with your problems. Just because it feels good, doesn't make it right.

Anonymous said...

I have been there. I ended up marrying my affair. We are happy and have a family. BUT. It is still very hard. If I had it to do all over again I would have closed the first chapter before opening a new one. It's fun while the thrills last but in the end there are still the same problems and same shit just a different player.

Marriage is hard. You will always be able to find a reason to shake things up. But the question is "Are you prepared for the consequinces if things blew up in for face today"?

Also make sure there are absolutely NO FEELINGS LEFT FOR YOUR HUSBAND. You will spend the rest of your life wondering if you could have done something different if there are ANY feelings there. It will haunt you. It will eat at your gut.

Sincerely,
Someone who has been in your shoes.

Anonymous said...

You need to break it off with "Him" and figure out if you really want your marriage to be over. And, yes, by the way, your husband will need to be told --STDs are a risk for you both now. Your Neighbor has to figure out his own mess --without you in the mix. Both of you have kids --you need to step back and put them first now --not yourself or your fling. It's not going to be easy, but you need to step WAY back and re-evaluate your life --especially keeping all the kids in mind.

Anonymous said...

Everyone doesn't cheat. But I did on my first marriage. I divorced and married my affair as well, we now have children and make it a priority that affairs never happen again.

But please, as someone who has been there, let me tell you... once the excitement and thrill of the chase and the incredible sex wears off (as it will, I promise you it will), you are left with guilt. Soul-searing, heart-shredding, suicidal guilt. I didn't have children when I went through the affair and subsequent divorce. But knowing I broke the heart of a good man has lived with me for the last five years. He was my safe choice and though no, we didn't have the chemistry that my husband and I do now, he was a good man. I am not a terrible person, but I did a terrible thing to hurt him like that after making a public vow to be his forever. Remember that? Marriage is forever. I haven't forgiven myself for it. It is an awful feeling to live with for the rest of your life.

Five years down the line I have a very solid, wonderful marriage with the man I had an affair with (who also divorced his first wife to be with me). We have beautiful children and still an incredible relationship. But I still grumble as I pick up his socks everyday and I sometimes want to strangle him when he never washes a dish or "forgets" to help me around the house. The thrilling excitement of an affair is replaced by the steadfast and safe, much like my previous marriage. And yes, we did have to go through a lot of therapy because we always worried the other would cheat (since we did with each other!). Luckily we've worked through that and we completely trust each other now. But it has not been easy.

Mainly, if I could go back, I would have been completely honest with my ex-husband. Your husband deserves that much at least. You have problems that you obviously haven't addressed. The right thing is to attempt to tackle these problems, with therapy. Your marriage needs help and it is not beyond saving. It is worth moving for, if needs be. This is huge and once the excitement of the affair is gone, you will be left with a very broken heart, regardless of if your neighbour chooses to be with you or not. Your husband has chosen. He chose you. He deserves a chance for you to try and make what you have had for ten years work. Please try. Especially for your kids. Don't let the passion of the affair make you do something you'll desperately regret. I sincerely wish you the best, but it is going to take a long time and a lot of tears to work this out.

Sara said...

Marriages do get dull after a while. Ten years with the same person is a long time to get comfortable. Affairs are new and exciting - there is chemistry and lust and someone who hasn't heard all of your stories and doesn't know all of your secrets. But, the lust and chemistry wear off - they always do. When you get to that comfort level with HIM, will you still be happy? Can you be certain that it is definitely over with your husband while you are devoting your time and attention to HIM? What would happen if you surprised your husband with some of the love and attention you are spending on your affair? And finally, what about your kids? How is all of this going to affect them? Are you willing to turn their worlds inside out to follow this new relationship through? It sounds like you have a whole lot of soul searching to do. You need to figure out your priorities and your goals. I sincerely hope that at the end of the day, your top goal is your kid's happiness and that you are able to put your own desires on the back burner until your kids won't be so adversely affected by your decisions. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Anon that posted at 7:45 thank you for your post. I was the other one that posted about marrying my affair and it is so good to know that my feelings are normal.

I love my now husband so much but I feel so GUILTY I don't know if I will ever get over that.

You can't go back. Not that I wan't too per say but looking back makes me feel guilty as well.

You are playing with fire and someone gets burned. Well, everyone gets burned in a way.

Anonymous said...

All I have to say is think of the kids. They are goint to eventually know that something was going on back when they thought you were all just making happy memories playing outside and they may just resent you BOTH for it. They will question every time either of you "chat" with a neighbor.


Think. About. The. Kids.

Anonymous said...

I've been there and yes I still have guilt but I don't regret what I did. What happened with me... I was in an unhappy marriage with two very young kids. I've contemplated, like you, having an affair many times throughout the years I was with my ex husband but never out of anger, just unhappiness. I met somebody and I entered into an emotional affair with him. I've been wanting a divorce for several years but never could get enough courage or willpower to stick to what I wanted until I met this guy. When I had sex with this guy for the very first time, I just couldn't stay in the marriage anymore. I was going to ask for a divorce and continue my affair in secret until the divorce was final but I just couldn't do it. I told my ex the truth.

To put it.. the shit hit the fan, but I don't regret telling the truth. Looking back, could I have waited to have a relationship with this guy? NO... I couldn't wait. I wanted to be with him. My divorce was finalized in two months and few weeks because I wanted out badly enough.

This guy and I have been dating for 6 months and I'm so much happier. YES, I have guilt for hurting my ex and will always have guilt for breaking up a 'safe' family but I am very happy and I don't miss my ex AT all.

So what I'm trying to say - I'm against cheating but I did it myself so I can't judge but if you are beginning to cheat on your husband, either get a divorce or stop. I don't think you can have both, it's so difficult. You need to expect that perhaps that neighbor may not be in your life OR maybe will be in your life and is 'the one' but you should at least be honest and upfront with your husband and your affair - work things out so you know you guys are all on the same page. If you really don't want your husband to know its your neighbor, just get the divorce and don't say anything but please don't continue the affair if you aren't getting out of the marriage and by god you better be SURE you want out of the marriage.

I've said my piece and hope that helps you make a decision of what you REALLY want to do.

Anonymous said...

Anon at 8:14--it's me, Anon at 7:45 (this is confusing!), the guilt is the hardest thing and it is so true that in an affair everyone gets burned at some point. I also definitely don't regret the divorce and choosing to be with my husband or our wonderful kids and our (dirty socks aside) very happy life, it is so much better than my life before. But I regret having an affair and not handling it in the best way. Most of all, I regret hurting innocent people, not being honest with my ex-husband and marrying him in the first place when I was young and didn't know myself well enough!

I think it is important to be happy in life. Very important. This is our only chance at it. But there is a right and wrong way to go about it. Cheating hurts people, not just your husband, but your kids and families. Trying to figure out what is wrong with your marriage when you have the urge to cheat is the right way to go. If you try and it isn't working, then making the decision to divorce should be a long and thought-out decision. I wish I'd done it this way. I ended up lucky, but I don't think that always happens. For the first few years I was on cloud nine and the excitement and passion of being together masked the guilt and pain. We are still so incredibly in love, but the passion has died down enough that I now can see the harm I caused people in the past. And that hurts.

Movies and books always depict the exciting part of the affair, but it is important to think further on, and not just put yourself at the center of the story.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, not going to sugar coat this. As someone who was faithful and had a husband cheat on her, what you are doing is disgusting, selfish and wrong. You are trying to find some type of justification and you can't. You are a liar, you are a cheater. I have no sympathy for you.

Anonymous said...

If you have never been in this position you should not judge that is not what this is for. Pointing fingers never does any good. Ever.

オテモヤン said...

オナニー
逆援助
SEX
フェラチオ
ソープ
逆援助
出張ホスト
手コキ
おっぱい
フェラチオ
中出し
セックス
デリヘル
包茎
逆援
性欲

Anonymous said...

I've been married for 15yrs to my current husband. We had normal marriage issues, very minor disagreements. In fact we had quite a few folks compliment us on how well we got along with each other. That's why what I discovered this past summer has turned my world upside down and left me feeling as if my clothes have been torn off, leaving me standing naked, cold, and alone. He has been cheating on me the entire marriage with multiple women including prostitutes. Thankfully I'm still testing negative for HIV but, I did test postive for other STDs. We also have 5 children. Who are also now very aware of what he has been doing. I've been a SAHM for the most part. I'm still married to him and living in the same house. A fact that most people question my sanity about. Yet I can't make any deciscions fast, or atleast I don't feel it would be wise. I'm taking it one day at a time and if I decide he should be gone, then it will happen. But this whole experience that I am going through has left me feeling very alone, confused, and terribly hurt (by not just him, but by many).

Your story struck a chord with me. As I wonder what he told those ladies in town, those that he F**Ked, about us. How he convinced them and they convinced themselves that it was OK. It's not OK.

I can't even begin to tell you what this has/is doing to my children.

Anonymous said...

Let me offer you a different perspective. The one of an unsuspecting wife who has been cheated on.

I thought everything in my marriage was fine. We weren't having any problems, and all around, things were good. Until one day I Looked in his phone and discovered that he had been carrying on an affair with a woman he works with through text and email. I was floored. I felt gutted. I had never suspected anything was happening right under my nose. It was and is completely devastating. The real kicker is that this woman knows we are married, but apparently doesn't care. We have 4 children together, and now all of our lives are ruined. I don't understand how anyone could stand up and take vows to love and cherish forever, and then do something so destructive. I've been hurt so deeply I feel like I will never recover from this. I would have rather he left me, then pursued someone else than cheat on me. I feel so humiliated, like I am a joke.

NO ONE DESERVES THIS!

Anonymous said...

I have been the cheated on person. It sucks....all the excitement will eventually wear off and you will be left with nothing once one of the other spouses find out! Are you prepared for that? Either divorce your husband or fix your marriage.

mmichele said...

I heard a very interesting interview on the radio today with a scientist who has studied the chemicals that we encounter during the initial attraction and subsequent stages of love.

You are in the stage, with your lover, of rose coloured glasses and lust... feels great, he seems perfect, it is exciting,etc. It is (according to the evolutionalry biologist) both drug-like and addictive. Necessary, both, to make us do the crazy thing of getting attached and making babies.

We need a bit of denial and thinking the other person is the BEST, or we wouldn't dare enter into a lifetime (or even just long term) contract with someone else.

However, this is a bit awkward for you because you are already IN a contract with another person. And you have children. So you will deal with him, this man who loves your children as much as you do, for the rest of your life, whether you run away with your lover or not. Your early excitement stage will never give way anything else unless you leave the person to whom you are contracted.

Notice that even though I know you are a church person, I am refraining from the "God" talk. From a simple molecular level, you are bound to be thrilled by the new guy and not by the guy who goes to work every day and cleans up the kids' puke when you've all got the flu.

You can't have both. And you are stuck with the father of your children, for sure, whether you stay married to him or not.

I would suggest you make a decision and deal with the fallout, but I would also warn that the exciting lover may, just MAY have a habit of doing this type of thing.

Or you may be kindred spirits. Have you read the book Loving Frank, by Nancy Horan?

I would try to make sure if it is one or the other before you irreparably ruin your marriage.

Anonymous said...

I am having a hard time with the only question you have is will you be okay being the "other woman" in his life. Wow. But since that's the question asked - in a word - NO. When you are suddenly alone, parenting your children after your divorce and he goes home every night to his REAL family, you will not be happy.

Anonymous said...

I'm not judging, but I was speaking as the injured party. She will be hurting her husband, the person she promised to be faithful too.

I would have no issue if she said to her husband that she was unhappy and wanted a divorce - without the cheating. Marriages don't always work and if you need to remove yourself from a bad situation, then do it.

But it's frustrating when someone tries to sugar coat their infidelity and make it ok. I think they need to be told that what they are doing is wrong, is destroying another person. The spouse of the cheater is so rarely included in their concerns, that they need to know...the pain they will/are causing the other person is unspeakable. It rips you to the center of your being, makes you feel worthless, useless and makes you want to curl up in a ball and never get out of bed. I spent months dealing with the fallout (and I didn't have kids mind you, I cannot imagine what that will be like).

I am remarried to a wonderful man who was also cheated on. We both know that pain, know that rip in your soul and never want the other to experience it. We will not cheat plain and simple. We admit that sometimes there is a physical attraction to another person, but it just makes us search inside our marriage and make sure everything is secure there, that we are getting our needs met. We do not look outside of our marriage.

Sorry folks, what she is doing is wrong.

Anonymous said...

This will turn your kids' world upside down.

Anonymous said...

I have been where your children are and will be. You really need to stop because your actions are going to destroy them.

Anonymous said...

To the anonymous poster above: (the one with four children whose husband cheated on her) You should not feel humiliated, you did nothing wrong. Hold your head high, you are NOT a joke. Your husband is the joke. Him and the "lady" that cheated with him. Not you.

Anonymous said...

This topic has come up here before, many times. People have commented on other posts about the lust drug and how it acts on the brain and how it wears off in two years, gauranteed. When I read your post I thought wow, here we go again, they are going to crucify you in the comments.

When we speak, act, choose how to behave, we define ourselves; the other person is already defined. I think the commenters have not crucified you. They have tried to authentically share with you any experience they had with the topic so you can learn. The lust drug is acting on your brain. Know it. Realize it for what it is, and choose to define yourself by your behavior, for that is exactly what you are doing. You are defining yourself, for yourself. This is your character now. This is who you are. This is what you are capable of. Doesn't it make you wonder who you are as a person??? This is who your kids momma is now. Just ask yourself, is this a functional way to behave? Does this invite stability and quality of life into my family home? It doesn't sound like it does. It sounds like it invites anxiety and chaos. It sounds like you are telling your family that your selfish need to explore the lust drug instead of using your logical brain to choose to live by a value system that contributes to a functinal family, depsite tempatation is more important to you than they are. What are we here for if not to make life easier for each other?

Is this who you want to be? If so, knock yourself out. If not, choose something different.

BTW the way your children feel in this chaos, which likely is unstable, uncomfortable, disregarded, not important and a whole bunch of other negative stuff, is going to influence what they choose for themselves in the future. I.e they will likely choose relationships with spouses in which they feel unstable, uncomfortable, disregarded, not that important. Hmmm....not what I want for my kids. When kids grow up they choose to put themselves in situations where the feelings they have are familiar to them. They choose what is familiar over what is functional. Why not live your family life in a way that creates the children feeling regarded, important, functional. This has far reaching affects, far beyond your sexual gratification for 6-18 months.

Anonymous said...

What would it be like, feel like, to be the bigger person, to do the right thing? What would that look like? How far reaching would that be? What would that say about you? How would that contribute postively to your relationship with yourself? How would that contribute postively to the longterm emotional health and functioning of your children? Your children are going to be raising your grandchildren, position them well to do that. What is a functional family home, is it one where people act independently regardless of the consequences to the others? If are not rock solid in ALL of the answers to these questions talk to a professional who is an expert in functional families.

Anonymous said...

This is your boss: "You're Fired".

Sometimes as many as 50 emails back and forth a day.

SERIOUSLY, WTF!

Anonymous said...

This is your husband: "You're Fired!"

SERIOUSLY, WTF!

Doesn't feel so good does it?

Anonymous said...

Picture your kids sitting on their beds in their dorm rooms discussing their childhoods with their college friends. What do you want them to have for memories?

Anonymous said...

There is no way that I will judge you, because I am doing the most selfish thing I have ever done in my life: I am having a full-blown affair with a married man.

It's been going on a while now, and my feelings for him run deep and out of control, to the point that the rational part of me screams, you both have children! but the other part of me screams, I need to just be NEAR you.

My marriage fell apart years ago. His is falling apart right now. We talk of being together, of being something, and I am terrified that that will never happen. And if it does? Everyone in our small town will have confirmation of what is already widely suspected.

I cannot tell you to stop seeing him, to not be "the other woman." Only you will be able to know and determine what you can tolerate. I hope you find the path that is right for you.

Empathy said...

Would you wish this on your daughter, sister, mother, aunt, best friend - their husbands cheating on them?

I think from your post that you know that the lie(s) you tell to your husband are wrong.

Taking your fellow cheaters word that his marriage is failing is like giving $500 cash to a con man to "hold".

My fiance cheated on me - with lots of women, in our bed. I later heard what he told people, I was inattentive, we were breaking up anyway, he didn't love me.

Guess what he and his lovers ate after their romp in our bed? Lunch that I had made based on his menu requests and asking me to make two servings since he was so hungry in the middle of the day.

We had sex multiple times a day, every day; he couldn't get enough of me (his words); he wanted to get me pregnant so that we would be bonded forever; he kept wanting to elope and not worry about a wedding so far in the future; he would gush to his parents and mine how much he loved me; we went on great trips and had a blast; he gave me thoughtful gifts; he wrote me beautiful love letters; he called randomly and told me how much he loved me.

He told me one thing and he told his cheating partners something entirely different.

Anonymous said...

FYI - I'm the OP. I have told my husband it's over and I'm moving out in the next few weeks. Also, to the poster who "fired" me for the number of emails, I get a hell of a lot done regardless of how much I email him.

Thanks for all the comments good, bad, and otherwise. Certainly not a position I ever imagined I'd find myself in at any point in my life. Life has a way of throwing some crazy stuff your way when you least expect it.

Anonymous said...

Life didn't throw a thing your way.
You did this.
You loser.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to offer you some support. I've been having an affair with the same (married) man for 10+ years. Hell, I was screwing him before I ever met my own husband. It's fun. It's harmless. As long as you keep your head and know your place. He keeps my life interesting. But I do not love him and know that type of relationship will never be. Good luck with the decisions you make. Just try not to hurt anyone.

Anonymous said...

Your.
Children.

Anonymous said...

People have blindspots about their own behavior. Sometimes a person can gain insight and choose to change in response to learning what other people think about a situation. Use this space as a sounding board. You posted about a situation and some people posted responses. Try to factor in what people say, may be they see things more clearly because they are not all caught up in it. As for the boss who fired you, I think it is a natural consequence at many job sites that that much personal email could be a deal breaker for te employer. The comment is made to help you see the consequences of your actions. As for the husband, he'll have a deal breaker too, most people with a backbone do, for most spouses the deal breaker is "I'm getting sex or making an inappropriate bond outside the relationship". Don't believe me? Ask a therapist, or ask 100 functional people. Don't be so quick to dismiss people's opinions because they don't support your agenda. Did you want us to read this as a trashy novel or did you want the truth?

Anonymous said...

Have you read the latest post at the basement? Can you hear me now...

There is a comment posted there from which I think you cold benefit, so I have copied it here for you. I hope the poster at Can you hear me won't mind. Here it is:

"Anonymous Anonymous said...

One thing I take solace in is the fact that eventually, a mistress will turn into a wife.

What I mean by that is, eventually, the fun and excitement will fade, and she will begin to behave just as a wife would--with expectations and demands. Then how fun and great is it gonna be? He'll be wishing he never did it, and it will be too late, and then the mistress will get to wonder who he's cheating on her with.

5:51 AM"

Get it now?

Anonymous said...

No, she probably doesn't get it.
They never "get it" until their kids are messed up for life.
Then it sinks in.
But it's too late.

Anonymous said...

Have you seen the latest post over at the basement? Here is the title of it "Can you hear me now, a betrayed women speaks back". There is a comment over there that I think applies here too. Here is how it goes.

Why, as women, do we not respect each other enough to BACK.OFF when someone is already taken.

There is more to the comment over there but I didn't want to trigger you so I didn't copy all of it here. I just want to say this is not about some great love that you have found. This is about a lust chemical that is dicking with your mind, seriously, brain chemicals of lust are acting on your mind like a drug. It is okay, even normal to feel attraction to someone HOWEVER it is WHAT YOU DO about it that DEFINES WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON. Use your logical brain to understand what is going on. RESPECT all people in the situation. AND when someone is taken, BACK.OFF. Really, is this how you want to conduct yourself? When your daughter is grown up, is this how you want someone to conduct themselves when she is married and someone is interested in her husband.

You want to know whether or not you will be satisfied being the other woman if he doesn't leave his marriage. I don't care what he told you. His behavior is what you look at not his words. He is attached,he is taken. He is not free for the taking. BACK the F. OFF. For your own sake, for your character, fow who you are as a person. Be the person who does the right thing no matter what. You will be proud of yourself and you will be a good role model for you kids and women everywhere. You can do it. Start now. Decide who you want to be.

Anonymous said...

The reality is that the consequences of your behavior are emotionally and financially crippling to children and women. Do you get that? Is that what you want? Are your aware?

Become aware.

Anonymous said...

Ick.
I need a shower after reading this.
I hope you take your head out of your ass long enough to take care of your children. God help them.

Anonymous said...

A Smart woman knows that trusting her values is more important than trusting her hormones.

A Smart woman knows that being smart means letting her intelligence control her emotions, not than the other way around.

Anonymous said...

You know what? I have forgiven my dad everything, everything, except his affair with my now-stepmother. And her. I can't forgive her either. I am middle-aged now and I cannot for the life of me understand how she walked into an affair with a man who had a BABY (my sib) and a TODDLER (me). And how he walked out on us, but not before he had started an affair. Why did he leave us with the knowledge that our mother had been humiliated? Why did they not understand that we were there first and we needed him more? What were we to the two of them? Garbage? A joke? Or simply nothing? Did my dad ever think about what it means that he was, to us, from the very beginning, a liar? That we were part of a sham world he'd built? Great, that's a great reason to exist, to prop up a failing marriage.

So, your libido and your ego are satisfied, goody for you. Maybe your kids are older and just want you to be happy. But maybe not.

Anonymous said...

you kept writing "he" and "him" in capital letters as thought the fact that he was more aggressive somehow changes things.

It doesn't.

I was the other woman once and i will continue to feel like a piece of shit for it for the entire rest of my life. knowing my father had affairs that destroyed not only my mother but ME, too, solidifies this for me. my shame knows no bounds. i wasn't even teh aggressor but i still know it doesn't matter who is.

there is a quote from rev run that goes something like, "if you leave your position as the other woman to be with the person you cheated with, just know that the other woman position has opened up for someone new."

i know how hard marriage is. but please, for the sake of your own sanity, try to resotre your dignity. you are an example to your kids. seek spiritual care and try to salvage what you can, even if that means divorcing. a bad, unhappy marriage is no example to set, either.

Anonymous said...

Why hang out here and read people's difficult stories...stories they need to unload, if you're just going to shit on them? Like she doesn't know she's doing something wrong?? Why rub salt in the wounds? If you don't have any valuable insight or support, why say anything at all? Is it so important that you be ONE MORE voice of perfection and morality?

I sure hope for your sake that you never find yourself in need of a place where you can lay your own burden down and try to make sense of it. Or, at least, I hope there aren't more people like you lying in wait to judge and insult.

Anonymous said...

1. Secrecy: Do you feel as though your partner could be telling you more about his or her new friend? Or do you hide the details of your platonic relationship from your spouse? If so, why? It's best not to keep secrets from your partner, even if you think he or she will be hurt, angry or jealous. If you want a successful relationship, trust and honesty is the one factor for marriage that should not be compromised.

2. Displaced Trust: Is information that should only be shared between husband and a wife, shared outside of the relationship? Topics like sexual intimacy, irreconcilable differences, personal finances, and detailed accounts of your partner's shortcomings are best left within the constructs of your marriage relationship.

3. Comparing: Does your spouse compare you to friend(s) of the opposite sex often? Or do YOU feel as though your spouse could improve in the areas that your special friend excels? Comparing once or twice may not be a problem, but habitual comparison is a warning sign.

4. Time Management: What type of time do you spend together as a married couple? Is it mainly dutiful, like paying bills or going to conferences for the kids? Or do you actually date-- one-on-one, no kids, family or friends around? If not, and you find yourself, or your partner, engaged in date like activities outside of your relationship, stop it. Either invite your spouse or don't do it anymore. Coffee talk can turn to pillow talk in the blink of an eye.

5. Attraction: Do you feel as though your spouse likes the way his/her special friend looks? Are you attracted to the way your friend looks or the way he/she does something? If so, address this issue with your partner and then try to refocus your attention on each other, rather than the outside party.

If (any)of these topics need to be addressed in your marriage, I urge you to get professional help...from a professional counselor.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to say I am always impressed at the open advice from women in this blog!! ( no sarcasm , I really am impressed) It's like reading what my sister would say or my best friend. It's also like reading what Whoopie Goldberg or Nancy Grace would say. Just women sharing things that sometimes we can't share in a coffee shop or phone call. I'm glad for you all. Willing to speak up and share with other women.

I don't pretend to understand all the original poster has gone through. I understand the excitement of the forbidden fruit ( I doubt I would have looked twice at my first boyfriend if I hadn't been sure my mother would HATE him) I understand the lonliness one can feel, even in a " good " marriage. Sometimes life is hard work and we have to decide whats most important and slog on through the difficult parts to get to the truly good parts.

Gramz