The Problem With Porn

Posted by Anonymous.

It started off as "one of those days" and it's turning into "one of those weeks." I'm happily married, or so I thought, I have a beautiful son who is about to turn a year old and a hard working husband. Just last week I found out that he's been watching pornography. I researched and researched and I get the technicality of it. How it has nothing to do with how happy he is with me, that it doesn't mean I'm unattractive to him, and someone compared men and porn to women and fashion. I didn't buy any of these explanations. When I confronted him about it I asked him if he was unhappy with me, or if I wasn't enough anymore. He said, "Men just watch porn. It doesn't mean they're not happy." I told him I considered it cheating and he opposed. The thing that bothers me the most is that a few weeks ago we had been discussing the subject and somehow it came up and he explained to me that when men watch porn they imagine themselves being the man on screen. That just keeps running through my head. How can that NOT be cheating? HOW?! You are imagining yourself with another woman that's not your wife.

This is slowly tearing me up from he inside out. I already feel myself falling away from him. Already know I'm going into a depression. I might be overreacting but I really feel cheated. I feel inadequate. I don't care what the "experts" say. It's not right. I just don't know what to do. I know he's not going to stop, and it hurts me so much to know that. I feel like our marriage is a lie. Sex is intimate, and should be shared with your partner. Not by yourself as you fantasize about some other person. For anyone who might suggest for me to watch it with him I refuse. It makes me nauseous.

Best Friends Without Benefits

Posted by Anonymous.

In July, I will be married to my husband for ten years. My husband is a stay-at-home dad while I work full time as a teacher. I used to work 7 days a week because I would wait tables on the weekends as well. We have two children, a 7 year old boy and a 4 year old girl. The girl stays home with her dad all day.

We have a tiring life--doesn't everyone who has two little kids? Teaching takes a lot out of me. I love it, but it does drain me. My husband is dabbling in the movie making business (hopefully moving into that full force once Keira goes to school next year).

About a month ago, my husband told me that he felt like I had emotionally pulled away from him. He felt like I didn't try to connect with him anymore, and that I spent most of my time just trying to sleep. The fact that I would never initiate sex with him made him feel like I didn't want him. (In reality, I was just tired! The kids stayed up later than me most nights, so the sex we did have was at 3:00 in the morning when my husband would wake me up.) He said that he has been depressed, and that he was just realizing the extent of it. He felt like my caretaker rather than my husband.

Sounds like my husband has a case of the housewife blues. I get it. I didn't want to stay home with the kids full time. In a way, I think it would've been better if I would have--I would have gone to play dates and activities and LEFT THE HOUSE during the day. It seems like my husband has lost his sense of self.

Horrible. The next week, I quit my weekend job so that I wouldn't be so exhausted. I started trying to show him that I really do love him and that he is more than just a maid, nanny, and cook (terrible maid, by the way). I tried being more affectionate and emotionally available. (We've always talked all the time, so it wasn't that)

I think I missed my window, though. My husband has lost his attraction for me. He loves me. He is my best friend and I am his. He wants to cuddle and hold hands, but he doesn't feel the warm fuzzies or tingly feelings for me when he sees me. We took a long hard route in finding out this information. He didn't want to admit it to himself or me. It is a horrible feeling.

It feels better than what I had THOUGHT he felt. When he described it to me, I thought he didn't really like me or want to be around me. I thought he had completely fallen out of love with me. I thought he hated me, even though he told me that there was nothing about me that he didn't like. I thought we were through, even though I didn't really do anything bad--the feeling of rejection were mostly in his head. BUT, they were real FEELINGS, so he feels numb toward me.

How are we going to work through this? We are going to continue to be best friends. We can hold each other and cuddle. We won't be having sex, though. We haven't really been having much of that anyway, so in reality nothing much has changed. Is this forever? No way. We are going to do this until he either realizes that I am the hottest woman (for him) around or he realizes that I'm definitely not and we will drift apart. I'm fairly certain it'll be the first one. I'm fairly certain it'll be soon.

It is a weird arrangement, but it'll work. Here's the problem. How do I handle MY self-esteem? How do I handle that my husband has admitted that he thinks I am beautiful and a wonderful person, but he doesn't want to have sex with me? (He is kind of girly in his view of sex--there is no such thing as casual sex. He can't get turned on unless the FEELINGS are there.) How do I not act weird around him? How do I not focus on how the ACTUAL rejection is making me feel?

It is all a mind game. We were only doing it once every month or so anyway. Nothing has changed other than his recognizing his feelings and telling me what they are.

I kind of wonder if everyone goes through this--they don't have the warm fuzzies all the time. It is just really painful for me because my girly husband talks about his feelings and TELLS me about them!

I guess we will both be separately spending some time making ourselves physically feel better for awhile, and then (hopefully) sometime soon we can do it together.

Can You Hear Me Now? A Betrayed Wife Talks Back

Posted by Anonymous.

To my husband and his 'friend' -

I have slowly and bitterly watched the both of you for three years now. I've watched it go from a slightly older man mentoring a young woman to an older man befriending a younger woman. I've watched our phone records reflect talking up to 2000 minutes in one months' time and now see that after all this time of me crying and hurting and begging, you chop it down to 200-300 minutes and now it's supposedly, "just a friendship". Just because the two of you don't buy into emotional infidelity doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I'm glad you haven't had sex. I don't believe it, but I'm glad. Sometimes - when I'm crying alone in our bathroom because I know you've talked again and I don't want our children to see or hear me sobbing, I almost wish you had slept together. The emotional betrayal is so much more hurtful. I could, after a long time, eventually forgive a one-time indiscretion, but this on-going three year relationship is tearing my heart and my mind to pieces and causing me to lose respect for the man that I married and most of all for myself for putting up with all of it. I don't even know who you are anymore.

I am finished. I'm through being made a fool of - I'm through being disrespected. First, to you, my husband, I want to say that in a million years, I never, ever expected you to treat me like this. I can't fathom how you sleep at night or even how you can begin to roll over next to me as we fall asleep beckoning me to make love to you as if nothing has ever happened. I know that you called her on your way home or that she called you because you have that extra little hop in your step as you come in the front door - I've been proven right too many times after checking the phone records while you are playing with our children or watching a game on TV. Too many times, I've led myself into believing that you were just happy to be home and to see me and the kids only to see that you had an hour conversation with her. You don't think it affects our life together, but it does. You don't see how different you act when you haven't had your 'fix' with her. It affects us because it affects me. There was a time when you cared about how your actions affected me and you were proactive in making sure that you were considerate.

You are supposed to be my best friend. You are supposed to be my partner for life. I am supposed to be the only woman you talk to after a certain time of night. Why is it OK with you for her to call at 11:30 with each of her personal crises? Why is it OK for you to talk to her every morning on the way to work when you, yourself, have said you know that your relationship with her is going to cause the end of our marriage? Why would you still talk to her if you know that is the path it will put us on?

The only thing I can glean from this is that you are just being passive aggressive and are too chicken shit to end our marriage. You want me to be the jerk who walks away from a 12 year marriage and a 16 year relationship. You lecture our daughter about being accountable for her actions - about making good choices - about not just saying sorry over and over again, but really making changes to prevent the same mistakes from happening. Why don't you take your own advice?

And to you who I have affectionately been calling 'the whore', I am so embarrassed at the person that I have become since you entered our lives. I am a Christian and try so hard to forgive you and to pray for you. I've prayed so hard that God send a man into your life so that you would be removed from my husband's sight. I know you are only 24 and I try to tell myself that you are ignorant to the repercussions your calls/texts/emails are having on my marriage. I can't do that anymore. They are all excuses - my denial is over.

The feelings of hostility I have towards you weigh on me every day. I can't watch him text someone or decline a call when I am with him because I wonder if it's you. I hate you - and I don't think I've ever hated anyone in my entire life.

You distract him from his responsibilities - and he lets you. You pull him away from time with his children - and he lets you. You fulfill him in a way that only I should and I am not going to compete with you anymore.

I want to fall on my knees in front of you begging you to stop - begging you to please stop calling and please leave our family alone, but I'm not stupid. I know I didn't marry you - I married him. He's the one who should put a stop to it - and he isn't... so that should tell me what to do.

I hope you are happy. I hope that you both realize that your 'just a friendship' has slowly choked out a 16 year relationship and has left a piece of my heart missing forever.

I just don't want to feel stupid anymore - I don't want to feel this way anymore. I matter, even if not to the both of you, dammit - I MATTER. What I feel and what I know IS important and DOES have validity - even if only to me.

I'm done.

About The Neighbor

Posted by Anonymous.

I know what I’m doing is wrong and that I’ve finally turned into a “statistic” but I feel like I can’t help myself. I’m your average, middle class, married working woman, two kids, nice house, church going, supportive family. Everything that should make me a “good” person. Here I am in the midst of a tumultuous affair with my next-door neighbor. Let me go back to the beginning…

I’ve been a good wife for the most part these past 10 years. Our marriage was never anything exciting but it was comfortable, solid, something I decided I just needed to be happy with. I never strayed all these years, though more than once I considered having an affair usually out of anger or frustration. Several jobs, two houses, and two kids later here we are at present day.

HE’s been there, lurking in my vision for quite a while now. Always a neighbor, never even allowing myself to think of crossing the line. Then this summer things changed, the world shifted. Suddenly I found myself flirting with him, albeit casually.

We live next door to each other and are the “outside” parents – the ones who are always outside with the kids, playing, laughing, and being the “fun” parent when we can. A little banter here, a little banter there. Suddenly I was in a whirlwind of having a crush on HIM. It was fun, harmless I told myself. But I found myself checking out the window to see if he and his kids were outside a little more frequently. My ears perked up at the sound of his truck coming home. I found excuses to be outside more and more and more.

I caught myself thinking about him here and there, imagining what a kiss would feel like, fantasizing about being wrapped in his arms.. Then that fateful night came. A neighborhood party. We hung out for hours, totally PG flirting. HE confessed HE wasn’t happily married. I could feel the tension between us. The interest. The desire. We finally walked back home and I wanted HIM to kiss me. It didn’t happen though we had some intense eye contact for a while.

Then two days later, a shot that rocked my world. HE was there. Just through Facebook at first. Sending an encouraging message, letting me know HE was thinking of me. One fateful day he popped up in a chat box on Facebook. I was sad and teary but he managed to make me laugh. Playing a chat version of 20 questions turned into him making a quick trip over to see me. The first time we had so obviously sought each other out. So friendly and neighborly. Numbers were exchanged and a few friendly phone calls followed.

A few days later, I was doing my best to put my life back together and a rare warm late fall day we got to be outside for hours with the kids. Flirting was rampant though kept in check due to the presence of both our spouses. In an opportune moment, HE leaned over and whispered HIS email address to me and asked me to email HIM the next day.

Our work email exchange was/is ridiculous. Sometimes as many as 50 emails back and forth a day. Pushing for more information, teasing, flirting, challenging me. I had the opportunity to be home early one day and let HIM know. HE came over to “talk.” I was a nervous schoolgirl. Couldn’t hardly look HIM in the eye. Things got close, intense. HE said I had to make the first move; I started to and then hesitated. He pulled back. A moment later, HE dove in. The most amazing kissing of my life. All the while, I was thinking, “I am breaking my marriage vows right here in my own kitchen with my next door neighbor. Seriously? This is my life?”

More phone calls and emails. Such chemistry. A few days later things progressed. I stopped just in the nick of time. Who am I doing this? On my own couch with my own neighbor? More days passed. Hundreds of emails, more than a few phone calls. It was time to piss or get off the pot. I got off the pot. We started having sex – in MY bed – on a fairly regular basis. Whenever we could meet up and it was relatively “safe” from discovery. The physical chemistry is just overwhelming. He’s so appealing to me even though this is crazy and messed up.

Almost three months later, I’m obsessed, wrapped up in a web of mixed emotions. I long to be with him but know it’s virtually impossible. Relationship with husband is seriously on the rocks and essentially over. All that’s left is for me to tell him it’s officially over. Know I’m hurting him but feel like I can’t imagine a life with us together ever again. As much as I try not to think of a “future” with HIM, it’s getting harder by the day.

We avoid talking about feelings other than to tease each other. We both have said we’re crazy for each other. My marriage is/will be ending soon. Not so sure about his. Life is complicated. Now the question is, will I be happy being the other woman in his life if he decides he can’t leave yet?

The Reality Of The Affair, Redux

Posted by Anonymous. (Follow-up to The Reality Of The Affair.)

It's been nearly two and a half years since I wrote the post about "the reality of the affair." I just reread it and all the comments before gathering my thoughts to write this next one. I've often reflected in my mind back to the comments I received after that original post so I wanted to have a fresh look again. This one in particular made me giggle, "You're probably not that special." One of the more profound things I've learned in the last three plus years is what I'm worth.

I followed through and left my then husband about three months after that first post. He took it well but there were some moments that were harder than others. The best part about all of this is he has become a better person and a better father. Without me to pick up all his slack he has had to step up and has found that being a great dad is really his thing. He's had a couple of girlfriends but at the moment is just focusing on himself. We're friendly and I care deeply about him. He is the father of my children and I want him to find the happiness he deserves.

My kids are amazing. They never once asked if dad and I would be getting back together. They never once expressed any concern at all about their future. My ex and I have made it a priority to act like adults and to ensure that our children are secure and happy and know they are the most important thing. They have also seen both of us take this time and discover true happiness. I have instilled in them that they are worth everything and they deserve to be happy just like we all do. In discovering my own value I have taught my children to believe in theirs.

About the other man. He started counseling and began on his own journey of self-discovery. He began to seriously evaluate what it was he wanted and needed and where his own priorities were. We continued our relationship into the summer of 2008 at which point he began to wonder if he would be able to ever find the courage to battle the emotional drama that would come from leaving his wife. It was during that summer that I let him go to discover what it was he wanted and needed in his life. It was a very difficult thing to follow through with - but I knew it was the right thing. I knew he had to know for his own sanity for certain that he could either never be happy with her or without me. I kept in touch with him but we did not see each other for well over a year. That all changed this summer when he came to me a free man, self-assured and ready to pursue a life where he can be truly happy.

Those who've never experienced this will never understand that the road to get here was about courage and righting the wrong decisions we made when we were younger. There is no shame in changing your mind and although marriage ought to be for life, for many of us we made that commitment much too young to even know who we are or what we would want. We both went to individual counseling to determine what it was we wanted in our lives. We both have children who are happier now that we are happier. Marriage isn't something that can bind two people together in paper only. You have to connect emotionally and spiritually in order to make a marriage last forever.

As for the cute little catch phrases like "If he'll do it with you he'll do it to you" I don't worry about that at all. This was never about a cheap thrill. There was no 'fog' over the last four years. We've been through more reality than most couples ever see and we always come out stronger. When your relationship is born through commitment and motivation to be together NO MATTER WHAT then you know what you have and you are unwilling to lose it.

So just remember the next affair you hear about may not just be an asshole and a whore looking for something fun on the side. Sometimes you meet the perfect person at the imperfect time. Some people are worth it and some people are willing to do whatever it takes to be together.

Trapped

Posted by Anonymous.

I have a problem and I'm feeling trapped. To begin with, I'm 27 going on 28 this October and I got married at 19. I lived with my then husband from middle of senior year at high school. Now I'm not saying I'm a deadbeat and a high school drop-out. I continued to work hard and graduated from high school on time with high honors. I worked hard in college and graduated with both Associates and Bachelors in business administration while working full-time. I'm mature and very rational. I now have two kids, the first born 4 years after I married and graduated from college. I'm trying to think of the best way to describe my marriage, I consider my husband my best friend most of the time, we've been through a lot and we've worked incredibly hard to be where we are right now - a great job, two great kids, a nice home, etc. But! I secretly call this a 'marriage of convenience'. When we first met (he's 4 years older than me) I fell in love but he was my only and first and I thought it would 'get better' and thought it was me... It is awkward talking about our sex life because I have never told anyone that our sex life has sucked from the beginning. I feel that I got married too young and should've dated more & played the field. I look at other men that I could've dated and think 'what could have been' I've cheated on him briefly (only to 1st base and dating) when I went to college in another state for one semester but I went back to him and he proposed right away and I left college for him. I enrolled in college locally and went to college with him. We were joined at the hip. I still blame him (and he knows it) for making me leave that college. We have arguments and I always end up having to compromise with him. I've seriously considered divorce but I am a product of divorce and know how hard it is for single mothers and my husband would never let me take the kids or at least give me an hard time. I know he loves me, he worships the ground I walk on, he's good to me but I am simply not happy. I have a boring marriage and a boring sex life to the point I can't stand for him to touch me. I give in once in a while and tell myself that just to relax, maybe it'll be better, try new things, get the 'passion' back in the marriage, etc. There was a 'little' passion in the beginning of our relationship but it fizzled but we got along incredibly well and he was good to me. He is 'safe'.

I did not intend to make my history so long. Ok, my problem is that... I've met a guy I really like and I know he likes me. I've met guys before that I get along so well and begin to like and I play with the idea of cheating on my husband to see if the grass is greener on the other end but never did. This guy - I like, I've known him for few weeks. I get a strong feeling that he likes me but our lifestyles are so different. He is the 'bad boy persona' and I am trying to rationalize with myself that if in the chance we do get together, I can't hold him back and it would be wrong to enter a cheating relationship and we'd have to hide. We know the same people, he knows my husband and in fact, my husband is the one who hired him. He's a college student (older), scruffy guy, etc but wow - he looks like John Travolta. He's that handsome. His group is not the type of people I'd hang out with and I keep telling myself that eventually, I'd be trying to get him to change his wardrobe, change him, etc. I am seriously considering divorce in a few years when the kids go into school full-time so I can get a job and support the kids on my own. This guy and I get along incredibly well. He shows a lot of interest in me and I can't help but really like him and want to get to know him better but where do I draw the line? Do I get out of a good (and boring) marriage just so I can play and be free? What if my husband is really the guy but I've ruined it. I don't want to get a divorce by mistake and I'm feeling really confused and I absolutely can't talk to anyone about this, not even my friends because honestly, I'm incredibly embarrassed to have trapped myself into this situation with my husband and our personal life is embarrassing. I feel that nobody will understand where I am coming from and I'm afraid that my friends would gossip. I've mentioned a few of my feelings once in a while and I've mentioned divorce once in a while but I truly can't talk about this with my husband. Believe me, I've tried spicing things up in bed, etc but I feel absolutely dead inside - no passion, no feelings, etc.

Ok - I'm done - I could continue on forever. I'm a rational person but inside, I'm really not.

Drowning

Posted by Anonymous.

They’re destroying us.. At nine months and 3 yrs, the children are ruining our marriage. I have been patient, thinking it will get better when they’re older, but how do we make it until then?

Nursing has completely killed my sex drive. I used to be the one who lustily drove our lovemaking and now I just don’t care. At all. My husband is actually pawing at me in desperation for the first time in our relationship. I have no interest, and am slowly realizing that my sense of myself as a sexual being and attractive and vital is deeply connected to certain hormones that seem to be on vacation. I am a shell of my former self. Everything is blah. Stop nursing? I could, but I like it for all the reasons women like nursing—the health benefits, the attachment, etc.

The preschooler won’t allow us to have a conversation. STOP TALKING!! He screams whenever my husband and I try to speak to one another. We spend all our time engaging him or disciplining him. Yesterday I spent most of the day with him yelling NO at me, kicking me, or throwing things at the baby. I feel like a closet abuse case.

Both children have always been terrible sleepers and now, to get any sleep at all, my husband and I sleep separately: one of us with each child. So we don’t even get to touch bodies in the night. Change things around? We’ll have to try because even sitting next to him and talking briefly about the day before we turn off the light is the *least* we can do to keep the relationship alive, right? But I’ve been sleep deprived for over three years now and the idea of getting even less sleep to train the kids makes me want to stick pencils in my eyes. I never bargained for how alternating angry, psycho, weepy, and passive sleep deprivation would make me. I hate myself for the way I can feel, then I hate the kids, then I feel guilty.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and a total panic overcomes me: the state in which we live, both physically and mentally is entirely due to the children. And I miss my old life SO much I could cry for days. I love them, but I am overwhelmed, exhausted, and I miss my husband terribly. Please assure me that it gets better. I am drowning in regrets, in guilt, in sadness.

Lost Lesbian

Posted by Anonymous.

20 years ago the passion was there. 20 years ago it was love and sex and fun. 20 years ago...

Today it's "hurry up and get it over with, I'm tired". Today it's "not now". Today it's been 6 months.

Therapy for me? for her? How do I adjust? I don't want to be platonic best friends. I can't talk to anyone about it. I refuse to talk with friends or family that may hold it against her.

It's up to me. I've been the instigator for years and years. I can't take the "no's" It hurts for weeks. I want to love, to make love. I don't want a quick fuck. I want the intimacy. I miss the intimacy.

I try to talk about it- nothing. I try romance-nothing. I try planning ahead, dropping hints for tonight- she gets a headache, stomach ache... that night- nothing. I try surprise attack- nothing. I try a night away from the hustle and bustle- nothing. I try before I go away for a night- nothing. After I've been away- nothing. In celebration, in sorrow, alcohol, early bed, late bed, middle of the night, morning, early morning...

We are best friends. I know she loves me. I know she is faithful. I know she enjoys making love, when we do.

I am at a loss.

Shock And Concern

Posted by Anonymous.

A few days ago I was over at my sisters visiting. My sis "J" was noticeably so I asked her if she was ok…what she proceeded to tell me completely floored me.

My niece, my little 9 year old niece that I love to bits and have lived with for 5 years on and off helping to raise, well she has a journal and lately J has been having an odd feeling so on a whim when she was up in her room putting laundry away upon seeing her journal laying on her desk….she read it.

Now I do not agree with her reading it at all...that's something very personal and yes even though my niece is only 9 it's still personal….but.

What she found in there warranted some concern…scratch that….A LOT of concern!

My little niece has this boy who likes her and of course she's crushing right back…..turns out this little boy has commented that he wants to have sex with her. That's right... SEX!!!! J told me this and I swear to god my heart stopped.

When my sis and I were growing up we were raised in a very religious house…very religious, plus my mom was in a serious car accident when I was quite young, one that resulted in her having brain damage that made her acting like an actual mom fairly impossible. I didn't learn about sex until I was 15…and that was from romance books..and I didn't even have sex until I was almost 25, not for lack of opportunity but because I consider it something special. I was also very inappropriately touched when I was young throughout my teen years by extended family members, "friends" of the family and boys at school..and I had NO idea what was really going on. I knew it was wrong but that was it.

J and I had had numerous chats before she had kids and she had told me she was going to start having the body talk, inappropriate touching and sex talk early. So when she told me that my niece had written this I asked her if they had already had "the talks"…..and I couldn't believe it when she said no….and even more concerned when she expressed…almost disgust…at the thought of having to have the sex talk with her 9 year old. I think, mostly with the fact that she thinks , as I do, that 9 is WAY too early to even be thinking of sex.

Am I out of line to be concerned? I just don't understand how she could have waited for so long. Girls are starting to become sexually active so much earlier then when I was a kid and seriously..I am only 27!! When I have kids..boys included..I plan on talking to them as soon as they can talk. Of course not the whole adult explanation but things they CAN understand, such as that their bodies are private and special, bad touches, good touches. I don't want my kids to learn about sex and their bodies from their "friends", I want them to be able to come to me and talk to me about anything…about any concerns or questions, no matter what.

I'm now also concerned that my niece will hide even more from my sister. They have such clashing personalities that they don't always get along and it's getting worse as my niece gets older. She knows she can come to me and talk to me about anything but my sis doesn't like me to "interfere" as I'm not her mother.

J talked to my niece after she read her journal and it turns out the boy didn't tell my niece this directly but was talking to some of his friends who then told my niece. But now also..my niece knows that J read her journal….what if she stops writing in it? I don't know what I would have done..would I have read the journal and then talked to my niece in a roundabout way? Would I have admitted to it? Or would I have just sat her down and had the talk without admitting to knowing anything?

I don't know what to do….I'm just so worried. I want to talk to my niece but I don't want to overstep my boundaries. I am not her mom and I know this…I know it's not my place. My sis is a wonderful mom, she really is but I think this is just really uncharted territory.

So what do I do? Do I talk to my sis and ask her if they've had the talk? Do I talk to my niece? Do I just let her know if she has any questions that she can talk to me? Do I then relay her questions to my sis? I've encouraged her numerous times before to talk to her parents if she has any questions at all and I know she does sometimes.

I am not looking forward to being a mom when it comes to this….can't we keep them little forever???

Don't You Want Me?

Posted by Anonymous.

To my husband:

I never imagined that this would happen. I never imagined that I would be in a marriage where I wanted sex more than my husband. I never imagined that YOU would lose interest in sex, considering how insatiable you were before we got married. But when we got married, it was like a switch got flipped inside you, and everything suddenly changed. The sex on our honeymoon was awkward and flat. I attributed it to being tired, but to be honest I was filled with fear because something just didn't feel right. I actually wondered if I had just made a big mistake. For the first few months, we had sex 2 or 3 times a week at the most - which is find I suppose, but hardly the sex-fest that many newlyweds experience. Pretty quickly it turned into 3 to 4 times a month. For the last year it has been more like one time a month, sometimes not at all. Do you have any idea how humiliating it feels to know that in less than two years of marriage, my husband already doesn't want to have sex with me? You have recognized that this is not good, but you don't seem particularly eager to try to make it better.

You seem to attribute at least some of this problem to your promiscuity prior to our relationship. You say that sex has become completely detached from love in your mind, and that you can never see sex as something good and wholesome. And so I guess since sex between us is perfectly legitimate now, it has lost interest for you? If that is the case - shouldn't you get counseling or something to help you overcome that? Because it's obviously unhealthy. Maybe counseling won't help, but it would make me feel a little better if you would at least try! It really hurts to think that I have to pay now for the sins of your past.

But I am worried that this is not the whole story. At first I worried that there was a medical component. Lack of sex drive in a man can be a symptom for serious health problems. Well, you've been to a doctor, and both you and the doctor seem satisfied. But I'm not satisfied. I am not even convinced you actually talked to the doctor about it. I am hurt and I am filled with fear and insecurity.

When I brought this up the other night, you told me that you think do about our nonexistent sex-life too, but that you don't know how many of your thoughts to share with me because you are afraid they will hurt me. I told you not to tell me unless it would help the situation. You remained silent. And so now I am both maddeningly curious and yet terrified of what sort of thoughts you have been having. I am afraid that you are going to cheat on me. I am afraid that you haven't really lost interest in sex at all, but that you have just lost interest in it with me. I've even wondered if you are gay.

My self-esteem has always been fragile and broken. Imagine the constant and very tangible sense of rejection that I feel now! I used to try to initiate sex, but after being refused several times I can't do that anymore because its hurts too much. So now, every night I just have to hope that you will want to be intimate with me, and every night I fall asleep sad, our backs turned to each other.

I hate, absolutely loathe my body, partly because I am convinced that you are disgusted by me. Intellectually, I know this is bullshit. I recognize that I am about 15 pounds overweight, and that when we got engaged I was much more fit. I know that I should lose some weight and get healthier - these are reasonable things that I admit. But I don't look THAT bad. If your sexual attraction to me was so easily lost, then you are one superficial sonofabitch. For heaven's sake, I still desire you despite your physical flaws! And even if my body was perfect now, age would eventually take that away, so what then? My guilt and self-loathing is made worse by the behavior I resort to to deal with being sex-deprived. I indulge in sexual fantasies - never involving you - and maturbate just to relieve the tension. But then I am left feeling digusted and humiliated. My self-esteem is completely shattered. I won't even let you see me naked anymore, not without some kind of covering and a whole lot of shame. I doubt you have even noticed, or even care.

This has all been hurtful enough as it is, but last night it got worse than I thought. Last night, you admitted that you have no desire to have kids with me. You said you might want to adopt someday, but that the thought of actually having kids holds no attraction for you. Oh yeah? Since fucking when?! When I was obviously shaken by your admission, you backpeddled and said you probably wouldn't feel this way forever. Probably? You are fucking 32 years old, just when do you PROBABLY think this desire will come back? You never gave me one inkling of this when we were dating and engaged. I was always under the impression that you most definitely did want kids with me. You have given me that impression in a hundred different conversations. So what changed?

I am starting to despair, wondering how to come to terms with the scary possibility that I am stuck in a sexless, childless marriage.

The crazy thing is, in every other way, our marriage is amazing. We talk and laugh, we share the same convictions and beliefs, we enjoy each other's company, we are affectionate and comforting to each other. I love you so much, and I miss you when you are not around! But for months I have had this constant sadness and fear pressing on my heart, and I wonder how long I can live with it? Will the sadness eventually go away, or will it grow until it devours our marriage? Part of me thinks I am over-reacting, that I just need to give it time. But what if nothing changes? What if it can't be fixed? I don't want to wait until it is too late. Aren't men supposed to want sex all the time? Why do I feel like I am the one with the problem, like I am some kind of sex-obsessed slut for actually wanting to have sex with you? Should I just be able to get over this and move on?

I feel so ridiculous and alone.

It's Not Easy Being A Wife

Posted by Anonymous.

(This post was written, in part, in response to a topic on Momversation a few months back. The original discussion - "Which is harder: marriage or parenting?" - can be found here.)

Which is harder, marriage or parenting?

In my case, marriage is definitely the harder. I wasn't so keenly aware of it before having children, but now, as a parent, it seems to me that the kind of romantic love I felt for the most important men in my life, including my husband, was always driven fundamentally by the desire to have children. I now have a boy and a girl (ages 5 and 3 respectively), and I struggle daily with the fact that I cannot seem to muster the slightest physical desire for my husband (or any man for that matter). In fact, I mostly experience revulsion, anger and impatience whenever I am touched by my husband. By contrast, my desire for intimacy with my children is overwhelming. I never tire of gazing on them, holding them, hugging and kissing them, tickling and cuddling with them. And they respond with a yearning and receptiveness I feel I've never experienced from any man. But I see that my husband often feels toward me the way I feel toward the kids. It is the one black cloud in my life that I cannot reconcile, except out of a sense of duty and guilt.

It seems so unfair that before I had my babies, I lived almost entirely in the hopes of finding a man who would let me lavish my passions on him. Most of them sensed a trap, I suppose, and fled. But not my husband. And I loved him, or so I thought, until my children came along. Now he wants me back, and I don't know what to do, because I don't want him. This feeling is beyond my control; it owns me. And what is frightening is that I cannot tell whether the intolerance I have for his total way of being is a hormonal, stage-of-life type of thing, or whether I actually don't care for him as a person. My husband is handsome, kind, smart, and above all, a magnificent father. We are very different. He is a pragmatic, hardworking, plain-speaking man. He is a professor in science and technology studies. I have lived my whole life in the arts world. We have different tastes and sensibilities. But we parent well together; and our strengths and differences seem to complement each other. I just don't know why I can't desire him. I feel like a wretch for not being able to summon any gentle feelings for him (except occasionally pity, because I think he deserves so much more affection from me than he gets).

Parenting is not easy; I've sought counseling to deal with conflicts with my son that sometimes seem insoluble. But I somehow feel like parenting is a safer and more "natural" territory for me than marriage. What kind of work can one do to improve a marriage when the whole idea of a relationship with a man is unappealing?

The Secret

Posted by Anonymous.

He was 18. She was 12. My husband, who could never even hear the kids in the night when they were throwing up, heard the sound of our daughter's doorknob turning. Normally, this would not be cause to get up in the middle of the night but something prompted him. He opened our daughter's bedroom door and there was my 18 year old stepson at her bedside, reaching for her, wearing only his underwear. My husband told him to give him his house key and get out now. He offered no protest. He was gone within minutes. My husband was so angry, he was afraid he would kill him if he touched him.

In talking to our daughter, this had been going on for some time. How could we not know? Who would ever suspect that kind of sick behavior? Why didn't she tell us? The hole she kicked in her wall next to her bed that I thought was just from a temper tantrum, was made after another nighttime visit. I stayed home from work the next day and tried to talk to her about it. She was afraid to tell us, she said. I wanted to go to a counselor right away and tell someone who could help us. I wanted to tell my family. My husband said no. He was afraid that if we did, CPS might get involved and take our 2 daughters away from us while they investigated. That was too horrible to think about.

So began the secret.

In retrospect, there were behavior clues we should have identified. He poked a hole in our bedroom door that would have given him a view of our bed. I saw it right away and we covered it up. I worked in an office near our home and usually came home for lunch. If he was out of school, there were times he would be "napping" on the sofa and would be exposing himself. He would wear loose shorts and no underwear and sit with his legs apart. I would get furious and yell at him to get dressed. I never knew that during all these years he also had twisted feelings for me, too. To be honest, I never liked him. He was a brat and never minded me, but he was my husband's son so I tried to make it work. When all this happened with our daughter, I was more than glad for him to go.

Over the years, he slowly reentered the family, keeping his distance. A few months before the wedding, he and his fiance were staying overnight with us. I got up early to have coffee, as I do every morning. He came into the kitchen and tried to come on to me. I told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to knock it off. He started crying and saying he thought I had feelings for him. Let me tell you, I NEVER did anything to give him that idea. I always made sure I was dressed appropriately, way more so than you would do for your kids. I never walked around in my nightgown or underwear. We were active in church and encouraged them to attend youth activities. We didn't have movie channels on our cable or pornographic material in our home.

How do you not tell family what is going on, yet not let on that there is a problem? What about when he is engaged to a wonderful girl? And they get married? And have a baby? Our whole family attended the wedding. We were there when the baby was born. . Our daughter forgave him. My husband and I tried but you can never forget something like that. The grandparents, aunts and uncles don't have a clue that we have this secret. We love the daughter-in-law and the beautiful granddaughter. We want to be part of their lives.

This summer we went for a short visit. After dinner the first night, we were sitting around visiting. He was wearing snug knit shorts and periodically would make sure he was "arranged" down there. My husband was so upset that he was still doing things like that. We cut our visit short

Last week my mom asked me if they were coming for Christmas so she would know whether to mail their gift or not. I called him and he said probably not because funds were tight. I told him we really wanted to see the baby, she must be getting so big, and on and on. He called and left a message on my phone this week and said he was going to come see us this Sunday and stay until Tuesday, if I was going to be off work. HE COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE ME. Nothing about his dad or sister. He couldn't wait to see me. In all my phone conversations with him, I am always careful to say things like "we" want to see their family, never just me.

Now I feel sick. I don't want him to come here, especially not alone. If I tell my husband, he will tell him to not come. If it weren't for the baby, I would too. Do we sacrifice our relationship with our only grandchild?

Secrets are bad.

Dear Ex

Posted by ANTM.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

You suck. I am one of the nicest people on the planet and I hate you. Seriously – I hate you. Right now, as I am writing this you are messaging me wondering what it is that you did to push me away.

In the beginning, things were bright and shiny like all new relationships are. I liked you. We moved in together. I started to question your judgment two months in when you allowed your ex-fiance to sleep over night in our house together. Without asking me first. I let it slide since she was pregnant and obviously over you but I should have left you right then.

I am 6 years younger than you and I was straight out of college when we started dating. You partied just as much as I did. Funny thing is, I gave up partying once I got a job two months after graduation. You are 31 now and still go out every weekend. Not just out for a few beers with the guys. It is more like drink as much alcohol as you can because it might be banned tomorrow kind of out. Then you decide it might be a good idea to come home and wake up your girlfriend for sex. Who really cares that she has to get up and work in two hours right? Remember the time you threw up all over the bathroom and woke me up at 3 am to clean it up? Classy…

I moved away for a while to give you some time to grow up. Not just down the street away either. I moved to a whole new country. You would call and write. Messages of how much you missed me and you wanted to get married. You wanted to have babies. You wanted to move away and start a life together. I was pretty convinced you had changed so I moved back to the very town I hated for you.

I signed a one year contract for a job that I cannot stand. Miranda from the Devil Wears Prada is totally my boss. Each day it takes every ounce of strength I have to prevent myself from stabbing her with my letter opener. You promised after one year we could move to a bigger city. You took me to a ring store to look at rings. Then something happened and you stopped all of that niceness. I should have known better but I guess I didn’t.

You started going out every weekend again. You stopped talking about marriage with me and instead started talking to every girl who would look at you. So you know what? I stopped talking to you. For one week – complete silence. Then my grandfather had a stroke. A bad one. I hadn’t slept in three days. It was the night before my family was going to turn off the machines. I was going to the hospital the next day to say good-bye. I cried myself to sleep that night. You went out and got drunk. Around 4:30 am, you came home, stripped off all of your clothes and woke me up. You asked if I could help you out. When I told you to get the hell away from me, do you know what you did? You laid on the floor next to the couch I was sleeping on and asked if I would just go down on you for a bit. I should have kicked you directly in the groin but I didn’t.

I moved out two weeks later and you still cannot seem to figure out why. Perhaps I am just a selfish bitch but in reality I think it has more to do with the fact that you are a child and I would like to be with a man. You don’t love me anyway. You just love the idea of me being around to do your laundry, wash your dishes, and clean up your vomit after a rough night at the bar. So you can pretty much go screw yourself…

Sincerely,

Your ex-girlfriend

P.S. You can stop with the damn messages that I don’t care about your feelings and how you just don’t understand how I could be so selfish because frankly, I don’t give a damn!

Can't Say No

Posted By Anonymous

I am not a whore.

I don't get paid.

What I am is 30, newly single and unable to say no to anyone. I have a man that I've been dating non-exclusively who is falling harder all the time and I could see myself falling madly in love with him, as well. I also have my Monday night date that entails sex and some general chatter afterwards. I have my 23 year old who I'll spend hours and days in bed having mind-blowing sex. I have my military boy that comes home on occasion for dinner and a blow-job. I have the one who wants it bad, but I just haven't found the time. I have the girls who are vying for our first dates and I'm desperately trying to fit them in, as well. And not one of them knows about the others.

I don't understand this part of me. It's been like this since I was a teenager. When I am with someone in an exclusive relationship, I'm loyal-- fiercely loyal to the point of not even thinking about anyone else. When it's just me? I want as much as I can get, as often as I can, I want to sample everything. It feels almost dirty. Something shameful I have to hide from my friends and family. I want to say it's because I'm a sex-positive female who's in charge of her own sexuality.

In reality, I think it's low self-esteem and self-loathing.

I could care less about the talking to them afterwards or maintaining any sort of connection to them later. Better that I don't get attached. That hot boy isn't going to love me, he's just going to want what I can give him better than anyone else has. And so I want to keep giving it to him. Maybe someday he'll want more or realize how good he has it with me. Most likely he'll move on to someone prettier, someone smarter, someone skinnier, someone lovable.

The Facade

Posted by Anonymous.

We have been married for nearly 15 years.

We stopped having sex 10 years ago, right after the baby was born.

You were dishonest with me.

You used me.

You married me because you wanted to have a child.

You knew that I was scarred from my divorce and the distance from my oldest child.

You knew I wasn't the kind of man who would walk away from his own child.

I know that you like me. I know that you are fond of me. I know that you might have some feelings of love for me... but the truth is that you don't really respect me.

Do you know, or would you even care if you knew, that I get sex elsewhere? Probably not.

You know... in blogland, most people think that I have the greatest life. I should be more honest with the people that read me... but I guess I am as dishonest with them as you have been with me. We have a nice home. We have nice, responsible, respectable jobs. We are active in our church and community. We take family vacations and smile in the pictures.

We are full of shit.

You may be happy with all of this, but I'm not.

It's 7 A.M. on Sunday... and in two and a half hours, I'll be at church, teaching Sunday school... I haven't been to bed yet. I don't know what to do. I just don't. I am fucking miserable.

When our child graduates from high school in eight years, she will be going off to college. When she leaves, I'm leaving, too. I gave you the best years of my life, and as much as I still love you, deep down, I hate you for it... but, you probably don't care about that, either.

Like a ten year old boy with an anthill and a magnifying glass...

Posted by Anonymous.

I really need to hone my powers for good rather than evil, but where would the fun in that be?

I am a... I am...

How do I say this diplomatically?

I am a flirt.

I think you know this about me. You see it in my eyes as they peel the wife beater off of your oh so tanned, sweat beaded chest. I run my mental fingernails down your arms, all knotted and muscled from the manual labor you've been working so hard at (unaware that I've been watching every. stroke. of your hammer and each ropelike tendon as it rippled under your skin) and it gives me a cheap thrill to see your Adam's apple bob as you swallow sharply, realizing that I really AM eye raping you right here in front of God and everybody. And I am not shy about it. I stare at you, daring you to stop me, shivering as I imagine your calloused hands touching me. It would take so little. I let you know this when you look at me with your puppy dog eyes by dropping mine as though I did not want you to catch me looking at you in such an intimate way. You squirm uncomfortably as you realize that you can have me this way, but ONLY this way. One word of acknowledgement, one question verbalized, one physical touch and it all comes to a screeching halt. You don't want that any more than I do, do you? Otherwise, why would you seek me out like this? You want to play my little game. You want me to want you in the way my eyes say that I do. You know that I enjoy toying with you, and that if it was not you it would be someone else. Not because I need to, but because I can.

I am evil.

What Am I Doing?

Posted By Anonymous.

I have something to say. Something that I think is bad. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, dirty and wrong.

I have been married for 10 years to an amazing man. We have 3 kids. 3 beautiful, adorable, busy, energetic kids. Lately, we’ve been stressing about finances. Our credit is horrible, because husband lost a job, we lost a house and a vehicle because of it. So we rent. And we no longer WANT to rent, but there is nothing else we can do. Can you say "mortgage crisis"? It has gotten to the point where whenever we talk, we end up arguing. The only way we can hold a rational conversation is through email or text message. I can’t remember the last time we had sex. Even further than that, I can’t remember the last time sex lasted longer than 5 minutes. I am a sexual being. Sex is important to me. It’s not to him.

So the wrong thing? Yeah. I googled the name of an old friend. Ok, not just a friend. But a friend with benefits. Wonderful, awesome, mind blowing benefits. Benefits that lasted four years. Benefits that lasted until I met the man that is now my husband. I found this friend. I emailed him. He’s now married, with kids. He’s moved 1000 miles away and is no longer anywhere near me. It had been 10 years since I last spoke with him. We remained friends (but no benefits) up until the day I got married. After that, we cut contact. It was really best for both of us. It was extremely hard to be friends without benefits.

So I found him and emailed him. He emailed back telling me he was married, kids, moved, finished college, nice job, etc. I emailed him back and told him what was going on in my life. Just jumped into it like we were old friends again...not like we hadn’t talked in 10 years. He emailed me back and told me it would probably not be a good idea for me to email him because if his wife found out it would hurt her. I was humbled by that email. I told my husband what I had done. I let him read the emails. He was somewhat upset with me that I confided in this person that I hadn’t talked to in 10 years. He asked me not to ever speak to him again. He didn’t understand the whole friends part...he wasn’t able to get past the benefits. And that I enjoyed the benefits, and talked about the benefits. From day one he was always jealous of this friend...probably for good reason. I knew he had nothing to worry about, but he didn’t know that.

Fast forward one week later. I get an email from a weird address. "Hey this is so and so, wife and I are going through a rough patch and I thought it was her emailing me pretending to be you (she knows about me to...he cheated on her with me while they were dating...many times...she doesn’t like me for good reason). But then I did some research and realized that she would never know your married name. So email me on this address from now on and we can talk. So I did. Big mistake.

It started out innocent. Talking about our kids, our lives, our jobs, our spouses, our families. Catching up on the last 10 years. Then we started chatting on Google instead of just emailing. Once or twice a week we would chat for a few hours at a time. Then the chats turned dirty...as they were probably destined to do. We started talking about our past, and possible future..not together, just the benefits. We started describing things we wanted done to us that our spouses didn’t do. Now we chat everyday while we are at work. Not constantly, but in spurts. Regardless, we both have the screen up all day long. We have progressed into planning on how we are going to meet each other again. We tell each other our problems with our spouses. We offer advice and encouragement on how to "fix" our relationships. This has been going on for 6 months now. We never run out of things to say. He’s called me at work once. We actually talked. It was nice. But awkward. We decided that we rather the computer.

The worst part? I’ve come to realize that I am truly upset if I don’t get to talk to him. And it hurts me to know that I would talk like this to someone else when I have not done anything like this in my 12 year relationship with my husband. It scares me that I can tell this person, this man, all my fears, my hopes, my desires, my needs. But I can’t tell my husband. And it saddens me that I am actually thinking about meeting him. Somehow. Someway. I need this man behind the computer. I need to feel the way he makes me feel. It is just sex. We both agreed to that. But it’s not. Not for me. And I don’t think for him. We see in each other the things we want to see in our own spouses. We can have all the benefits without all the bullshit. But I am smart enough to know that if we have the benefits, and the benefits are truly what we remember, the bullshit will come. We will resent our spouses. Our relationships will probably fail. Our relationships that we have worked so hard to make. I know I should let him go. I know I should stop. But I can’t. I can’t let go of the way I feel when I talk to him. I can’t give that up. Giving that up now may make me turn to a person who is actually real. And within reach. And THAT would truly be devastating.

But I need to stop. How do I stop? How do I pretend like this never happened? To me, it’s cheating. The things I’ve said, the things he’s said. It’s cheating. Right? I’m not telling my husband, I’m not being 100% honest with him. I really don’t think that I will ever meet this friend for real. There is too much at stake. Too much to lose. Not for just one night of amazing benefits. But if I do meet him? I will cheat. For real. And that is wrong. Wrong, wrong, dirty and wrong. But yet, I still cannot stop.

My Secret Past

Posted By Anonymous.

Alright, I have to confess. A few months ago I was searching something online and came across a link that lead to another link to lead to a blog. Then I was hooked. I clicked on blogs after blogs. How I wished I could do this. How I wished I could go online and air my secrets. Then just today I stumbled across this site. It took me no time at all to know I was going to post.

I know you are suppose to look around first and make sure what you are about to post will not offend anyone. (I think you are?) But my fingers are aching to type. To type this secret. To get it out there. So here it is.

I am a mommy. I am a mother of a 20 year old son, a 17 year old son and a daughter that is 14. I have been married happily at times for 18 years. And I also was a high paying escort for 9 of those years. Yes that is a pretty name for prositute or charging whore. ( I just had to pause to read that statement. Just to see it on this screen is sending mixed emotions already)

I stopped escorting 2 years ago. I thought everything would fall back to its place. But I was wrong. Very wrong. Don't get me wrong, when I was escorting I made sure my kids had EVERYTHING. All of my money went on them and my husband. And yes, before you all ask he knew. I guess I felt guilty for doing it so I couldn't even imagine spending it on me. We went on trips, had the best clothes, toys etc. But it was at a cost. The cost being, I lost myself. At first I loved LOVED the attention. To know that guys thought I was so hot that they would actually pay me high dollars just to spend time with me. When in reality, all they cared about was getting sucked, fucked or whatever.

When I turned a trick, I was under a different name, a different personality. I made her up the first time I went to a shady motel and met some guy. A nameless, faceless guy. I had the whole story of my life made up. If they asked, I had this life down pat. I knew what to say. Somehow my mouth would open and out would pour the lies. I was great at it. Never got mixed up on my stories once. But the problem is that I lived being her for some many years that my true self started to fade. And pretty soon I didn't even realize the voice that came out or the face that I saw as I past the mirror. I was the life of the party though. Everyone wanted to spend time with 'what's her face." But now that I turned my life around and started on a new track.... I am finding it so hard to find me again. And if truth be told, sometimes I miss the chick that turned those tricks. She was fun. She knew how to have fun, she was always happy, she knew what to say and how to say it. She was confident and made you feel at home. Now I am stuck with just me and not very happy with just me. I find now I don't know what to say to people and I don't feel so confident.

I could go on and on with this story. But I just wanted to get this out there. I know many will judge, many will have their mouths open, many will want to know more details. All is fine. I have lived with all of those for years. I am really not wanting anything. All I wanted to do was to get my fingers busy and type this secret.

Signed,

Hoping to find my true self soon.

Cheat

Posted by Anonymous.

I cheated on my husband 4 days ago.

Two weeks before our 10th anniversary.

We agreed before we got married that if one of us cheated, it would be the end of our relationship. As many times as I've said that I'm going to run away from home, I can't bring myself to do it. I realize that I could be in a lot worse situation - at least he doesn't drink, or beat me, or run around with other women. But I'm tired of being last on his list. Everyone and everything else in his life comes before me and the things that need to be done at home. If his one of his buddies calls or one of his parents call, he will drop everything he is doing and run right over to the house. But I can't get him to run the vacuum, help me keep the house clean, walk the dogs, fix the dryer - NOTHING. And if it isn't his family or friends taking precedence, it's that damn computer game that he plays during every free moment that he has. Even if he only has 15 minutes before he leaves for work, instead of spending that time with me, he's out there shooting with his online 'friends'. When I fall asleep in the chair in the evening while he plays with his online 'friends', he tells me that's why I don't get any attention. It's all my fault, all the time. If only I'd stay awake, then he would be happy to take me to bed - when he's done playing. He tells me that I don't understand how difficult I am to wake up. Jeebus, man, I'm freakin' tired after working all day and then coming home and having to take care of everything that needs to be done here. Once I'm asleep, I don't want to be bothered until the alarm goes off the next morning. Maybe if you'd pay some attention to me and engage me in some conversation instead of ignoring me, I wouldn't be so prone to falling asleep early all the time. Maybe if you weren't just one more thing that needs to be taken care of around here, I wouldn't feel the need to seek out someone who will pay attention to me.

Over the past 16 years, he has had and lost his fair share of jobs. After the last job loss and no good prospects in sight, we made the decision for him to go to college and take an accelerated program where he could earn a Bachelor's Degree in 3 years. We're now in year 7 of that 3 year plan and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. He's got a job, but I'm still paying all the bills, including his car payment. I have made so many personal and financial sacrifices in order to help him succeed and he doesn't appreciate any of it. I supported him financially the first couple years he was in school so that he could concentrate on getting good grades. We lost our place to live and I had to stay with his dad for a short time. All the while, he got to stay in nice hotels because there was no student housing available. Even though he knew how miserable I was being in that house with his father, he still wouldn't get a job to support himself so that I could put my money towards a new place to live. I ended up taking out a loan to cover my moving expenses just to escape from that hell. Then, when he did finally get a job, it was a 3rd shift position and that was his excuse for his grades falling. There won't be any children because it's too embarrassing [his exact words] for him to go to the fertility doctor and see if he is part of the problem. But it was okay for me to undergo every embarrassing and awful test and procedure out there to see if I was the one with the problem. And he's content to let me be the reason why we can't have kids. One more thing to add to the list of things that are all my fault. Some days I feel like such a failure as a woman because I can't bear him children, but I realize now that being unable to have kids is a blessing in disguise. It will be a lot easier to decide who gets the dogs than who gets the kids.

So, now I've hooked up with an old lover. I've only kicked it with him the one time and I don't know if it will happen again. The sex was weird, awkward, and boring. The whole encounter was surreal and totally lacked any semblance of passion. He laid on me, wiggled around for a minute or two, then jumped up off me, apologized for 'going early', said something about needing a hot shower, and left the room. I laid there on his bed for a moment and wondered what the hell just happened. Then I realized that he had 'gone early' on me [ew] and I really could use a hot shower myself. However, I had to make do with a quick toilet paper whorebath in the guest bathroom and hoped to make it home in time to get a real shower before my husband came home. This guy wouldn't look me in the eye afterwards, kept finding little things to keep him preoccupied so that he didn't have to deal with me, and the day ended with us both reminding each other to be careful on the road as we went our separate ways. It was all so very strange. Not at all what I imagined. I really don't know if I want there to be a next time. It's a lot of work to get out of the house and keep the story straight so that I can stay out late when my husband is used to me always being around and never going out. And I'm not sure it's worth all the work.
A really strange result of this encounter is that I have been insatiable all week. I have had to have my husband again and again and again. Of course he doesn't mind, but I wonder if it is all because deep down, I feel guilty or remorseful. I don't feel like I feel either one of those, but maybe deep deep down they're there. I know that he thinks sex makes everything better. Am I just subconsciously trying to keep him happy so that he doesn't suspect anything? I wonder if in some strange way, this encounter with the old lover showed me the true value of what I have at home and that I have to keep trying to make it work - no matter what.

The Ring

Posted by Anonymous

It all came flooding back to me when I was cleaning out my car. In the glove box, under napkins and expired insurance cards, was a ring. I literally gasped when I found it. I thought I had lost it. There would be years that the ring would come to mind and I would clean my jewelry box out thinking that I might find it this time. After my unsuccessful searches I would put the thought away with the notion that it was better that I didn't have it anymore. But, now I have it again. Now it IS in my jewelry box. And with it has come so many memories.

I can't remember what year it was that he challenged me to try and slip that ring off his finger. He said that if I could do it I could keep it. With very little tugging I had the ring in my possession. I think he wanted me to have it. It is nothing special, simple in design, with his initals stamped on the front. It fit on his pinky and he told me he had owned it since he was a boy. He didn't demand it back, so I kept it.

He and I were never officially an item. That's what made our relationship so unique. It spanned nearly five years and yet we were never truly together. We had moments, sometimes they were stolen moments. He terrified me with the things he made me feel. I didn't understand them. And I still don't, not fully. He made me feel fragile and naïve, and yet so very beautiful and empowered. He would talk to me about how beautiful the arch of my back was or how much he loved my belly button. He would kiss me slowly, with reverence, as if he could freeze time and make that moment go on forever. He cherished me as a woman, before I had even really come into my own. He made my body hum, but he did not make my heart sing.

Now, I'm with a wonderful man. He has my heart completely and loves me without limitations. He cherishes me as a wife and as a friend. And although I do not miss the man that gave me that ring, I sometimes miss the way he made me feel.

I am thinking about sending his ring back to him. It's been over 10 years since we have even seen each other and he has a wife of his own now. Wouldn't that be the right thing to do? I don't want to cause problems or have un-needed questions asked of either him or me from our spouses. That chapter in our lives has long been closed. So, should I send it? Should I keep it? Or should I throw it into the lake and let the fish have it?