Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Can You Hear Me Now? A Betrayed Wife Talks Back

Posted by Anonymous.

To my husband and his 'friend' -

I have slowly and bitterly watched the both of you for three years now. I've watched it go from a slightly older man mentoring a young woman to an older man befriending a younger woman. I've watched our phone records reflect talking up to 2000 minutes in one months' time and now see that after all this time of me crying and hurting and begging, you chop it down to 200-300 minutes and now it's supposedly, "just a friendship". Just because the two of you don't buy into emotional infidelity doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I'm glad you haven't had sex. I don't believe it, but I'm glad. Sometimes - when I'm crying alone in our bathroom because I know you've talked again and I don't want our children to see or hear me sobbing, I almost wish you had slept together. The emotional betrayal is so much more hurtful. I could, after a long time, eventually forgive a one-time indiscretion, but this on-going three year relationship is tearing my heart and my mind to pieces and causing me to lose respect for the man that I married and most of all for myself for putting up with all of it. I don't even know who you are anymore.

I am finished. I'm through being made a fool of - I'm through being disrespected. First, to you, my husband, I want to say that in a million years, I never, ever expected you to treat me like this. I can't fathom how you sleep at night or even how you can begin to roll over next to me as we fall asleep beckoning me to make love to you as if nothing has ever happened. I know that you called her on your way home or that she called you because you have that extra little hop in your step as you come in the front door - I've been proven right too many times after checking the phone records while you are playing with our children or watching a game on TV. Too many times, I've led myself into believing that you were just happy to be home and to see me and the kids only to see that you had an hour conversation with her. You don't think it affects our life together, but it does. You don't see how different you act when you haven't had your 'fix' with her. It affects us because it affects me. There was a time when you cared about how your actions affected me and you were proactive in making sure that you were considerate.

You are supposed to be my best friend. You are supposed to be my partner for life. I am supposed to be the only woman you talk to after a certain time of night. Why is it OK with you for her to call at 11:30 with each of her personal crises? Why is it OK for you to talk to her every morning on the way to work when you, yourself, have said you know that your relationship with her is going to cause the end of our marriage? Why would you still talk to her if you know that is the path it will put us on?

The only thing I can glean from this is that you are just being passive aggressive and are too chicken shit to end our marriage. You want me to be the jerk who walks away from a 12 year marriage and a 16 year relationship. You lecture our daughter about being accountable for her actions - about making good choices - about not just saying sorry over and over again, but really making changes to prevent the same mistakes from happening. Why don't you take your own advice?

And to you who I have affectionately been calling 'the whore', I am so embarrassed at the person that I have become since you entered our lives. I am a Christian and try so hard to forgive you and to pray for you. I've prayed so hard that God send a man into your life so that you would be removed from my husband's sight. I know you are only 24 and I try to tell myself that you are ignorant to the repercussions your calls/texts/emails are having on my marriage. I can't do that anymore. They are all excuses - my denial is over.

The feelings of hostility I have towards you weigh on me every day. I can't watch him text someone or decline a call when I am with him because I wonder if it's you. I hate you - and I don't think I've ever hated anyone in my entire life.

You distract him from his responsibilities - and he lets you. You pull him away from time with his children - and he lets you. You fulfill him in a way that only I should and I am not going to compete with you anymore.

I want to fall on my knees in front of you begging you to stop - begging you to please stop calling and please leave our family alone, but I'm not stupid. I know I didn't marry you - I married him. He's the one who should put a stop to it - and he isn't... so that should tell me what to do.

I hope you are happy. I hope that you both realize that your 'just a friendship' has slowly choked out a 16 year relationship and has left a piece of my heart missing forever.
I just don't want to feel stupid anymore - I don't want to feel this way anymore. I matter, even if not to the both of you, dammit - I MATTER. What I feel and what I know IS important and DOES have validity - even if only to me.

I'm done.

42 comments:

Shelly Overlook said...

Get out. You deserve better. More than that, your daughter deserves better. Don't teach her by example that it is okay for anyone to treat you this way.

I am so sorry.

Anonymous said...

You have just described every feeling that I am having right now. Your life is a mirror image of mine. I will never be able to understand or accept why things like this happen. I feel like there are no decent or honorable people left in this world. I wish you peace.

Tabulous said...

I too have just gone through this and I feel you so much more than words can describe. Of course, my husband did admit recently that it was physical as well as emotional, and I can assure you that it's worse knowing it did happen -- not easier. I hope you find the strength and beauty within yourself to do whatever brings you closure and peace.

mentallyunavailable said...

Your right. YOU MATTER!

Anonymous said...

You shouldn't have to go through this- no women (or man) should. It isn't right. Whether or not he ever acknowledges it - what he is doing is WRONG. My (soon to be ex) started an emotional affair - swore to me that it was nothing, then eventually things changed and it became a physical affair. He left and moved in with his mistress. My kids (age 20 months and 3.5 yrs) will never know what it is like to have a Daddy live at home and share their lives. There is a lot of sin in this world - not excusing the behavior - just saying it bites everyone.... and maybe sometime it will bite that 24 yr old as she journeys through life.

Gwensarah said...

I don't have any great words to say but you're right. You DO matter and no one should ever ever have to feel this way.
I wish you the happiness that seems so far away right now.
And call me petty, but I hope Karma smacks her on the ass too. Even at 24 she's not ignorant on what her "friendship" would do to the wife of her "friend"

faintstarlite said...

I have no words of advice because I've never walked in your shoes, but your pain is palpable.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your pain. But I can tell you that I have lived a similar situation and talking to a therapist and changing the way I live my own life made a big difference. My husband changed his ways and became a much happier person in our family and with our lives. Nobody deserves pain and suffering like you are experiencing but don't give up on something until you have tried to fix it.

Jen said...

You are right. You DO matter. And I applaud the boundaries you now have the confidence to draw!

Kelly said...

Oh, honey... you say it all so eloquently, putting words to the emotions I know are ripping you apart. I was you - I was the neglected and ignored wife, while his female "friends" were comforted, talked to, laughed with, and told by him that they deserved only the best... while I got nothing.
I said what you did - I'm done. And I am. I left, and let me tell you something - there is a comfort in the loneliness that I feel when I'm truly alone, as opposed to the crushing loneliness I felt when he was sitting just a few feet away. There are very few things to miss about my marriage - instead, I miss the illusion of the marriage I wish I had. I no longer cry myself to sleep most nights, wondering who he's talking to, or why she's so much more important than me.
Instead, I'm learning to be independent. And it turns out I wasn't getting all that much out of my marriage anyway.
Finish what you've started - you'll be so much better off (and happier) without him. You're finally realizing that you deserve so much more - and you're right, you do.
I wish you the best - it's a hard road, but it's worth it.

Anonymous said...

Why, as women, do we not respect each other enought to BACK.OFF when someone is already taken. I think this is a character flaw. Of the other woman. And, anyone who pursues a relationship from the shelter of their marriage is a COWARD!. If you want to start something with someone new, have the BALLS, have the DECENCY to end your first situation first. Yeah, just as I thought, you are a coward, you can't do it, incase the new situation doesn't work out. You have to check it out first, from the shelter of you marriage, to test out the new situation to see if it's worth breaking your marriage for. COWARD!

As for the poster, you are a sweetheart. Keep taking care of you. You DO.MATTER! Silver lining, let this be a test that your spouse failed, if he can't change and be contrite about his poor choice and the consequences of it, get away from him. You will find a true situation by being true to yourself. You are not a concelation prize. He is disordered. He can't get his priorities right. I feel sorry for him because he can't make healthy choices.

Al_Pal said...

Yes. You matter. Each and every person. I'm sending strength to you through this time.
I'm so, so sorry that he is not taking the advice he has given to your daughter.
One of my best friends went through something like this, but the other woman was his peer in age, an old friend.
He still says it is innocent but wasn't willing to give up the friendship to save their marriage. Case closed, I guess.

I wish for you a full emotional healing and personal renaissance.
If he still won't quit seeing her, I wish that once you are again whole of spirit [or as close as you can get, for then], that you will meet a man kinder and more caring than your husband ever was.
This really is so palpable. Peace.

L. said...

I am in a similar situation, except I am the one who had an entirely platonic relationship with a much-younger man, while my husband was living far away due to his job.

However, my husband wasn't upset at all about it, because he trusted me when I told him that my deep love for this man (who had lost his mother, which is why I believe he sought a friendship with an older woman) was entirely non-physical. Is it an "affair," if my husband didn't mind?

I am back living together with my husband again, and I continue to love this young mann deeply and call him regularly, with my husband's full knowlege and consent. In fact, last summer, this man came to visit us for three weeks.

What makes my situation different from yours? Trust. It's clear your don't trust your husband -- perhaps there's more going on than you can get into one small post. All I can say is, sometimes an emotional "affair" really IS just a deep friendship. If your husband is hurting you, being cruel to you, and not meeting your needs, then YES, by all means, get out of the marriage -- but I wonder if perhaps therapy could help him understand? Yes your point of view DOES matter, and your husband sounds like he is purposely ignoring it.

And I am truly sad that you hate the girl so much. Your hostility will eat you alive if you let it.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 4:01

Yes, it is an affair, even if your husband doesn't mind. Why are you still married? You obviously do not respect your vows, or your husband for that matter. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Maybe your husband doesn't mind because he has something going on too. You are a fool if you think this emotional affair will never turn physical, or that its doing no harm. Wake up.

Anonymous said...

One thing I take solace in is the fact that eventually, a mistress will turn into a wife.

What I mean by that is, eventually, the fun and excitement will fade, and she will begin to behave just as a wife would--with expectations and demands. Then how fun and great is it gonna be? He'll be wishing he never did it, and it will be too late, and then the mistress will get to wonder who he's cheating on her with.

MoMMY said...

I was exactly where you are a couple of years ago. I did say enough. And he did consent to marriage counseling. It also took about 2 years for us to really get back to a good place in our marriage. I'm glad I stuck it out but it was only because he did give her up. Eventually. Nothing hurts more than when they choose their "friend" over you. Which he did. Quite a few times. I left for a full week (left him with the kids) and made him find an apartment. Told him to be ready to go when I returned. In the end, when I returned I let him stay. AND I QUESTIONED THAT CHOICE FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS. I think it took that (lost security deposit and all) to realize what he was doing. And again, it still took over a year from that point to get back on track. You can do this. You have to. For your sake and your kids.

L. said...

Anonymous 5:4 -- I wasn't anonymous, I commented as "L.," my blog name, and linked to my blog, which has links to my full name. I never comment anonymously anywhere.

No, what I am having is not an affair and never will be. It is doing no harm -- in fact, I truly believe it is a GOOD thing, for which I am truly grateful.

The woman who wrote this post is clearly in pain and her husband is ignoring her pain -- this is wrong. Perhaps I was wrong, too, to compare it to my own situation to hers. If so, I owe her an apology, because it was not my intention to make anyone's pain worse.

ShellSpann said...

I hope that you can find the strength to walk away from this man. I've been in that situation (although my relationship/marriage was nowhere near 16 years) and it's the worst feeling in the world. You deserve so much better, and so do your children. *HUGS*

Cassie said...

You do matter. You deserve so much. I was in your situation. She was my best girlfriend, he was my husband. It started in my house, they became friends, while I tended to our children. He was the fun one, she was fun for him - no kids, no responsibilities, 5 years younger. It started just talking and emailing. I finally caught on, I begged for them to stop, I pleaded with both of them. The hurt I felt, hurt so bad. After a year, I made him leave. I had never hated someone before until her. Four years after our divorce, they are still together. They are not happy anymore, as someone said before me - it turned into a marriage, the fun is gone. The feeling of being alone, truly alone was one of the best feelings I have ever felt. I didn't feel betrayed anymore, I didn't hurt, I didn't hate.

Hang in there. Remember you do matter and you are important. I'm cheering for you!!

Anonymous said...

He tells me he is lonely in the marriage. He tells me he's miserable, and he could be happier with me. He's torn because of the children, and because he was in love with you once, and wonders if he could be again. When he's with you, he's dragged down by responsibilities and when he's with me, he's just himself. He likes to see himself through my eyes.

Heady stuff for a young woman to hear, even if it's recycled bs that he's told someone else, or that the married guy next door is dishing out to his latest fling.

The irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. I'm sorry for your pain.

Anonymous said...

Make sure you're protected before you toss him out (and please toss him out): First, Get a lawyer! Move money around into accounts with only your name on them so you can pay your and your kids' bills; make sure you have print outs of all your joint assets so they can't 'disappear'. Close joint credit card accounts so he can't run them up. Then throw him out and change the locks.


Good luck. Remember: you and your children deserve better. Much better.

Anonymous said...

God-you are me 12 years ago. It is so sad..please do what will make you feel better. I was not given a choice. The "friendship" I begged him to get out of became physical and he left his 3 and 4 year old and our 15 year relationship. As hurt as I was at the time, he actually told me I would wind up the best out of all of us-and he was right.
It took a long time and even now Istill have flashes of anger at the situation...but I am good, my kids are great and the have a wonderful relationship with their dad-and I am a little glad he left before I could really hate him and maintain a civil relationship for our kids-make your choice NOW.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous at 8:12 a.m....
You captured it perfectly...perfectly. He wants to be a dad when he's ready to be a dad and a husband when it feels good or is convenient for him. He doesn't want to have to be bothered with mortgage payments and soccer schedules and laundry - why would he? Why would he want to be bothered with such trivial things when he can be with her? She's young, available and thinks he's perfect...tells him so every day. How can I compete with that? How?

I can't...She's gone now - I confronted her and she's gone. She told me that he painted everything differently...made her think it was ok and that it didn't matter to him or to me when she called or how often. They aren't speaking, but now he is so depressed, I can't stand to be around him. I'm trying to allow him to grieve this friendship - this relationship - I'm trying to be patient...but today while in his vehicle, found an old letter to him from her on his b-day last Fall. In it, she's telling him all the things that he should hear from me - and did, but my words fell on deaf ears. He's closed himself off and says he wants to be open to me...wants to try, but doesn't think he can do it...doesn't know if he can be the man I need him to be. Do I stay in the hopes that he grows up and comes back to me emotionally or do I move on? I don't know.

Anonymous said...

If you read "L's" blog, you'll see she's married to a Japanese man and they don't even have sex or have much intimacy. I'm guessing she needs all of the emotional affairing she can get.

L. said...

Yes, Anon 5:11, I am indeed married to a Japanese man, and living in Tokyo now -- not sure why you're concluding that we "don't even have sex or have much intimacy," which isn't true. My marriage meets all of my needs, but that doesn't mean that I don't love many people outside it, both male and female.

I actually am regretting commenting here, since my case is clearly very different from the case of the original poster.

I was trying to make the point that not all deep, loving friendships between a man and a woman are negative or inappropriate, and they don't always lead to anything bad -- BUT! BUT! BUT! -- the original poster's clearly situation is both negative and inappropriate, because her husband is continuing it behind her back and ignoring the pain he is causing her.

Anonymous said...

You do matter, and your feelings matter. I hope you know that there are alot of us out there thinking of you, wishing you peace, cheering you on, and hoping for the best for you. I wish you luck and happiness.

ewe are here said...

If he truly wants to try, and if the 'friend' is truly gone, require counselling for both of you. Starting immediately. You're going to need a third party to mediate this emotional disaster that he's caused in your marriage.

Anonymous said...

Respect yourself enough to leave.
You deserve more, much, much more.
xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

This letter says it all.
Print it and leave it in his car.

Ami said...

He won't leave because that would make him a "cheater" AND a "leaver." He's waiting for you to kick him out. Before you do, get ready. Line up your resources, hoard your money, get out of every joint financial venture, find a lawyer. Prepare. Then draw the line in the sand. Talk with your husband with your children together. State your expectations and what you WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT. If it scares him straight, lovely. If not ACT.

You matter. You are important. You are a worthwhile woman with appeal. You are a mother. You deserve better, but you will have to fight for it.

Danica said...

It's a nice theory that he could choose to return whole heartedly to your marriage. And he could, he really really could.
But this has been going on for years. For years he has made the choice against the marriage. Leave, but understand that you are not the one who is breaking the marriage. he has already done that.
I agree that you should print this and give it to him. Print it and leave.

Anonymous said...

I love this post. It is so well written. I love the title of your post,it is perfect.

Get a lawyer and get a therapist. Take the good advice of the commenters above who advice you how to take care of yourself financially. Be your own best friend and partner to get through this. Take care of yourself, put yourself first. YOU.DO.MATTER.

L. said...

Original poster, thank you for the comments you wrote directly to me elsewhere. I appreciated them.

Instead of sharing my own experience above, which was only peripherally related (different situation), I should have originally commented here telling the story of a woman who was in your same exact situation.

Her husband had always had lots of female friends at work, and this was fine, until...one day, one friendship crossed a line. Her husband said he wasn't even having any physical relations with the other woman -- the problem was the amount of time spent, and the quality of that time. Finally, this wife split up with him, fully prepared to make a new life on her own, with her kids. Her condition for getting back together with him was that he would agree to counseling -- and guess what, he did. All this many happened many years before I met this woman, and she and her husband are still happily together and the other woman is ancient history.

I don't know how your situation is going to turn out, but however it does -- I wish you all the best of luck going through it, and hope your story has a happy ending for you, one way or another.

Val said...

Wow, this claws open some old scar tissue around my heart!
I know where you're coming from - the major differences being, I had just gotten pregnant (by joint agreement, on our 3rd heartbreaking attempt); my husband took up w/a former friend of mine who happened to be 10 yrs OLDER than himself...
(However, she was more Old School tend-to-your-man Martha-Stewart type than career-person me, who will NEVER be mistaken for Pollyanna Housewife!)
My best wishes to you; good advice has already been put forth here about setting limits/protecting yourself...
My own "line in the sand" was drawn when my infant son was 8 mos old; a friend & I traveled to horse camp & it sunk in once & for all how WRONG it sounded, as our [other] friends inquired about my husband's absence - repeating the simple truth of the matter: that he'd traveled in the opposite direction, to an event w/his "friend".

Anonymous said...

Buy this book, you deserve it, because you matter!

What Smart Women Know, by Steven Carter

A Smart woman knows

In relationship a smart women knows she needs to develop a realistic sense of:

what she should give to a partner

what she can expect from a partner

More important than anything, a smart woman never, ever, forgets that she is a whole person in her own right, with or without a man in her life

A Smart woman knows that if a man ruined a relationship it is up to him to fix it, not her.

Please, please, please read this book. It will help you.

Anonymous said...

I just went through it. Somehow (by chance) I was able to show my husband that this "girl" wanted an easy ride. She wanted to slip into my life without doing all the hard work. All the years I spent building a life, buying a house and car, having kids - she wanted it without working for it.

She was envious. And he finally saw it. She was willing to say and *do* anything so that she could easily slip into a house and car. He was just a bridge to that. She wanted to be "the wife material" without working on her self-esteem first. An easy ride. She wanted an easy ride. I worked my ass off to get our family where it is today, and many times without his help...so he got a free ride too!! I can see why he wanted to help poor little old her out.

No matter how many times I say I'm over it, I still am not. We're "back together" now but I still can't sleep in the same room as him. I dream about cheating on him and humiliating him in front of everyone, just like he did me. He took her out to meet friends and family, like he was prepping her for wife #2. That was the worst time of my life.

What I learned from all this was how much respect I deserve. I don't settle for less anymore. I'm no less a human being, so why should I? We will eventually divorce, I know that for sure. But while the kids are little, I need to plan carefully, put away money, and keep on building my life. He lost me a long time ago. When I'm ready to leave and the kids are securely in place, I won't ever be looking back.

I wish you all the best. I have no advice. I can only hope to show you that I've been there too and getting him to end the relationship will make you feel like you've won for a short brief moment, but then it fades and you have to stand up and say what you really feel without fear - then walk away.

Anonymous said...

Dear husband of betrayed wife who is talking back:

1. Secrecy: Do you feel as though your partner could be telling you more about his or her new friend? Or do you hide the details of your platonic relationship from your spouse? If so, why? It's best not to keep secrets from your partner, even if you think he or she will be hurt, angry or jealous. If you want a successful relationship, trust and honesty is the one factor for marriage that should not be compromised.

2. Displaced Trust: Is information that should only be shared between husband and a wife, shared outside of the relationship? Topics like sexual intimacy, irreconcilable differences, personal finances, and detailed accounts of your partner's shortcomings are best left within the constructs of your marriage relationship.

3. Comparing: Does your spouse compare you to friend(s) of the opposite sex often? Or do YOU feel as though your spouse could improve in the areas that your special friend excels? Comparing once or twice may not be a problem, but habitual comparison is a warning sign.

4. Time Management: What type of time do you spend together as a married couple? Is it mainly dutiful, like paying bills or going to conferences for the kids? Or do you actually date-- one-on-one, no kids, family or friends around? If not, and you find yourself, or your partner, engaged in date like activities outside of your relationship, stop it. Either invite your spouse or don't do it anymore. Coffee talk can turn to pillow talk in the blink of an eye.

5. Attraction: Do you feel as though your spouse likes the way his/her special friend looks? Are you attracted to the way your friend looks or the way he/she does something? If so, address this issue with your partner and then try to refocus your attention on each other, rather than the outside party.

If (any)of these topics need to be addressed in your marriage, I urge you to get professional help...from a professional counselor.

You have done her wrong song, so now it's up to you to turn this whole mess around!

Anonymous said...

Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - all about how emotional affairs are incredibly destructive to marriage. This book has yanked the blinders off of more than one foggy spouse.

And I'd suggest going to the Surviving Infidelity forum and reading the Healing Library and talking to the people there. They have tons of experience that will help you to either a) get out, if that is what you want, or b) try to salvage things, if that is what you want.

But you cannot allow anymore of this cake-eating behavior.

Anonymous said...

It is painful to hear your story because the truth is, it happens to many people who are experiencing the same feelings and thoughts. I often wonder why we're so afraid of acting impulsively (that is, just moving on) but we often fear of the feeling of being completely alone or talk ourselves into thinking that maybe it's not so bad if we ignore it. We even fear breaking away from conformity: the perceptions of our families and friends. The anger and the hurt inside is what keeps us wanting to get out because the trust is broken and because we are investing our lives! It's easy to see that the husband is stupid, but in such things it's not surprising that men will often act stupid. You are beautiful and you are brave. It is often said that talking doesn't help the matter with men. They react more on us acting out the consequences for them in order to make them choose what they should do. They are 'hypnotized' until the day she, the temp distraction decides to lose interest, will he return to you more fully devoted, etc. because she's no longer there but perhaps you must put the fear into the man so that he doesn't stray for once and for all, because then he will really be terrified of losing you and the kids. You are brave to know all that's going on without saying a word, it is your sheer strength and perhaps without knowing it a blessing in disguise, you hold all the cards in your hands. What isn't right is him starting to believe (no! no!) he can share two women. You are interested only in a monogamous relationship. Don't let him get used to that idea (which most men would like) or you will be suffering for the rest of your life. Make him see how powerful you are: that losing you would be the biggest mistake of his life! Do what you have to do because now is the time to believe in yourself. His stupidity is great. You live only once. Maybe you should take the kids and yourself and move to another State, find a new job and put the kids in a new school and give him a full dose of his mistress to see just how poor his decision making is. Men usually wont divorce their wives but if you don't nip it, he will always give himself the right to emotional infidelity. That's a hard way to live your life. If you have a relative in another State perhaps in the summer you could go with the kids there and spend the whole summer. See how things go and see how you feel about your marriage. That gives time for the children to get used to a new place if you wish to register them at a new school and also gives you time to see what jobs are available or how you wish to start new part of you. Your new life in how you wish to live and be as a person. He will never forget your strength as a woman and the mother of his children, he will always regret what he did, but only time will tell if he's really worthy and worth any more painful hassles. Find a Christian husband who values things the way you do, and you will find happiness. So many of us are with you! God Bless You in your decisions and help you on your path.

Queen said...

First off, sorry but L, you're cheating on your husband. The fact that you don't feel guilty and invited this man into your house for 3 weeks is disgusting!

Maybe you should find an old guy friend yourself and talk to him all day to see what kind of reaction you get from your husband. The woman on the other end of the phone knows she is wrong, but your husband is allowing her to have power over him.

Its time for you to withdraw and start making some plans of your own: someone to soften the fall with.

Anonymous said...

Leave "L" alone. You are missing the point of her posts when you keep blasting her.
To "A Betrayed Wife" keep your chin up...it will get better. Good luck.

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