Monday, April 26, 2010

dear friends, this warrior is a child

Posted by Anonymous.

perhaps nothing was said out of anger or negative emotion, but they surely were of sarcasm, even you made that clear... i know how easy it is to hind behind a screen coz i know how easy it is to hide behind my own face in person-to-person conversations... so in emails i say what i feel, if i should be feeling anything... if anything, i'm probably more open to expressing my emotions as words on paper or pixels on a screen than i do person-to-person...

and all the emails exchanged this week were solely meant to inform, (no sadness, no pain, minus that incident i clearly laid out, no anger, no resentment), however way they may have been construed... like i said, i'm tired... i've been trying so hard to calmly and objectively dissect this situation trying really hard to see where it all got disconnected, and even you today just said that you didnt know i explained my poor word choice to her... i didnt say you were taking my side, i said i dont want them to believe you're taking my side, since you're the one presenting the counter-argument... and im too tired to explain this in detail

i'm really tired... and your last email filled w/ sarcasm and turning my metaphor into my saying "how u end up being the holy great one" is the threshold for me... im not taking it too much to heart because i know you were just typing what's on your mind, but that's a not so common-day metaphor surely not to be found in the merriam-webster, and it has a personal, and very low, blow to it so i cant tell you that it didnt hurt b/c it did... time may heal all wounds... but the scars remain for a reason... to remind us of all the battles we've fought, whether or not they were meant to be fought or even necessary... and some scars i carry, physical or otherwise, in retrospect, weren't so necessary, but they are blemishes on my skin that i graciously accept and live with and learn from everyday nonetheless...

i'm tired dear friend.. really tired.. of having my words turned into something else.. or having parts of the story missing as told by her... or everything and anything that comes in between... i'm just really tired.... not just physically.... like i said in the voicemail earlier after reading your last email, i can't be you guys' friend if i can't be myself... because that's the biggest lie of all... and this week, it's been very taxing to be you guys' friend... with all of you believing you've heard it all, and that it still comes off as my saying this and that... i've reached my breaking point...

For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

i dont and never did seek to "disclose this mystery".. i merely wanted to ensure my voice was also heard... and what i had to say was no secret...just facts... i dont want to sit here deconstructing every word, thinking of how it could come off, just like it happened today w/ what i thought would be an innocent email that you would understand completely without feeling like i had some "holy great one" complex... especially since you were agreeing w/ me earlier that people shouldn't take certain words to heart, i didnt think i needed to explain to you that word choice that just came out of my "metaphor area" in my brain, if such a center exists...

i refuse to unlearn metaphors i've learned since gradeschool just so i can't be misconstrued... i really don't mind being misconstrued... but when it happens this often, after a set of heart-to-hearts that i deemed as our truly understanding each other, it gets very draining very quickly... being myself shouldn't be a task... being a friend takes work, but i personally believe it should never be this hard...

For it is [mine] to fill your need, but not your emptiness.

so for now, i surrender my badge... i'm not trying to run away... i'm just really drained of energy and need to be refreshed... i dont need you to accept it, respect it, or even understand it... it is just what it is... i am just what i am... and right now.. i'm just being very true to myself and my needs...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

and she/he is a very intelligent warrier to learn this harsh lesson so dang young. And it's a lesson I re learn over and over and I'm 37..not to say there isn't hope that you'll find a group of friends that accept and love you for who you are w/o the nit picking..I married my best friend to be sure I kept him for life lol. Take care and look forward to your future.

Perfect Girl said...

Interesting post about the difficulty of communicating.

Trying to work problems out through email always makes one or the other person sound like they are being sarcastic. It's weird.

This has been my experience.

I think I read somewhere that by the third email, people would find it in their best interest to call the person, or go see them.

On another point you make, though, to think you are having a heart-to-heart and then discover a betrayal: yes, good for you for taking a break.

You're right, it shouldn't be this hard. Enjoy your rest.

Anonymous said...

thanks for your supportive posts...
to anonymous, i do have a group of friends that accept and love me for who i am, in front of whom i can be my complete self, w/ hardly any fear of being misconstrued, for if it should happen, it's dealt with very maturely, not prolonged, and no drama.. and i am grateful for them...

to perfectgirl, the heart-to-hearts were actually done in person... which made the excessively negative misinterpretation of the email that followed along with a blow below the belt so harsh, for i thought they understood, yet apparently not..

again, thank you... the tide has passed.. but everyday, i learn and try to remember what i've learned, on how to relate to others, for not everyone is the same... everyday is a choice..