Sunday, April 18, 2010

I Don't Want Her In My Life!

Posted by Anonymous.

I am 28 years old, a married SAHM to two children ages 4 and almost 1. I am also legally blind. When I go out I use a white cane. I can see a little, but only a little. I have gone through so much crap in my life. I have many blessings too, but the crap is overwhelming at times, and it mostly has to do with my dad's second wife. I will just list some of the things:

* Parents divorce
* Dad's remarriage two months later
* Dad fighting with second wife
* Going blind
* Dad fighting with second wife
* Dad's divorce
* Dad fighting with second wife
* Dad's remarriage to his second wife
* Dad fighting with second wife
* Second wife fighting with my sister
* Sister cuts second wife out of her life.
* Both uncles fighting with dad and second wife.
* Both uncles cut dad and second wife out of their lives.
* My grandparents move in with dad.
* Second wife fighting with my grandparents
* Grandparents moved out and in with my uncle.
* Dad fighting with second wife
* Dad stayed with me for a week
* He moved back home
* Dad stayed with me for a week
* Second wife fighting with me.

These are some of the things that I am concerned about.

I do not want phone contact, because being blind I can not read my phone to see who is calling before I answer. Second wife has said some very disturbing things to me. This is also why I do not want any written contact.

The reason I do not want contact in person from second wife is because I am unsure what she will do and I am afraid of injury to myself or my two children.

Here is a list of things that second wife has done that disturb me greatly enough that I no longer want her around myself or my children.

* She has said things that do not make sense. She told me her mobile phone was broken, but my husband checked my phone and she was calling from her mobile phone.
* She said that I wanted her to die. I have never said anything to give her this impression. That is why this scares me. I have never said anything to give her any thought along this line. So, I am worried that she may want to harm me, because of her thoughts.
* She has said she is good as dead. She implied that she was going to kill herself.
* The majority of the time when my family has gone over to her home she usually is drinking some type of alcohol.
* Being around her she has acted withdrawn, talking very slowly, and like she can not comprehend what I am saying. She also seems like she has a hard time trying to say things, like she no longer knows what the meanings of some words are.
* Almost any time she gives us food to take home from her home the food is expired.
* She told me that she was going to drive. I did not think she had a license. In the state she was on the phone I was worried she would drive to my home. I did not know what she would do, but I do not want her when she is in such a state around me or my children.
* She threatened to sell my wedding dress. I was able to get that from my dad.
* She threatened to sue me for the financial assistance my dad gave me through college, the computer my dad helped me pay for when I was in college, and the video camera I was given at my baby shower.
* She has called me all sorts of things.
* She wanted me to return every thing that my dad or she has given me.
* My dad brought back anything that I had given to them. He said he didn't want it destroyed.
* She sent my husband 70 texts in less than two days saying many terrible and horrible things. My husband didn't respond and we had to change our phone numbers and email addresses.

My dad was going to get divorced but it seems like he isn't now and he is putting a guilt trip on me and wanting me to let her back in my life.

I don't think she cares about if I am in her life or not she just wants my children. I don't want to subject them to her. I don't know if she will be stable or not and I love my kids too much to put them in that situation.

My dad says she just has health problems and needs a lot of love. I just keep thinking, what about me? Don't I deserve a chance to be happy and anxiety free?

Whenever I think about her my chest hurts. I have an anxiety attack and can barely take care of myself. Since I have cut off contact I feel so much better, but my dad just tried to convince me to have Easter with them. I feel bad because I want to forgive, but I just can't emotionally handle her. It makes me wonder why can't I just get over it. I guess because there has always been some issue involving her since I was 15 when my dad married her. I don't think I can do that to myself again.

I have told my dad all these things, but still he continues to try to convince me to let her back in. Why doesn't he care about the way I feel? I have told him countless times but my words don't seem to matter. Every time I get anxiety.

I have had enough.


Amy said...

Wow, she sounds like a real piece of work.

Can you tell your dad, "We're happy to see you in our home, but she is not welcome"? Can you just say, "I refuse to feel guilty for her abusive behavior" when he tries to guilt trip you into being around her or having a relationship with her?

I have a relative who is similar. The best I can do is to limit contact, tell her NOTHING of any importance, and keep the conversation extremely superficial when she is around. My husband and I agree that if her shenanigans EVER hurt the kids, even once, she's cut off.

Anonymous said...

Document everything; if she goes further off the rails at some point, you may want to consider a restraining order. She sounds koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs.

Assign a unique ring tone to her number so you can avoid answering.

Sorry your dad seems willing to let her bully him and everyone else around them.

Anonymous said...

Your dad is selfish. And his mistress with a ring is a pyschotic fruitcake. Don't feel guilty for wanting to stay away and protect you and your family from them. You should. Tell your dad to grow up and when he does you will be happy to include him in doing things with your family. And part of that growing up is for him to stop putting his thumb in the psychotic fruitcake. Perhaps he can assit her instead. Maybe drive her to the nearest cliff, get out, and tell her to accelerate. Problem solved.

Sounds like the rest of the family recognizes this and in some way you do too. Now stand up to him and his stupid mess. Stop owning it yourself because it isn't yours.

KL said...

She's abusive. You're right to keep her out of your home. I agree with anon 9:31 - document, document, document. I didn't know you could do that with ringtones, that's a good idea.

In a weird kind of way, your father's trying to keep you in touch is a good thing. Your father may be abused in various ways (financial abuse stands out.) In many abusive situations, the abuser tries to separate the victim from other loved ones. But he needs to accept boundaries from you that protect your children and yourself.

Jane said...

I think it would be good if you could help and support from a third party such as a counsellor. Escaping from a abusive relationship (even if it is not a partner) takes a lot of resolve.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you're doing the right thing in avoiding contact with her.
Also, she sounds like she needs to see a mental health professional ASAP.

Anonymous said...

I also say document everything specifically, use a handheld recorder if you need to. If it were me, I would go as far as to carry a voice-activated recorder with me every time I was around her to make sure you don't forget anything. It depends on your state, but most of the time it is not illegal if you don't try to use it in court or let other people hear it.
I would NEVER allow myself or my children to be with her without having another person/s (besides your dad)with you at all times. NEVER let yourself or a child be alone with this person.
Taking care of yourself is NOT selfish.
Ame in TN

Midwest Jonesy said...

Tell your Dad that you love him, but will not tolerate her mistreatment. If he wants to be a part of your life, it has to be without her there.

I once had a very wise woman stop me after I shared something about how hard I was working to keep my younger siblings okay through all my mom's crazy stuff. She reminded me that it is okay, and good, to love them and offer to help them. But their problems were not my problems, and I needed to be careful that I didn't neglect my own duties as a mother trying to mother my siblings. She just wanted me to understand that those issues weren't mine to solve, and I might damage my own children by engaging too much in other things. Love them, help them when they need it, but remember that you have committed to these children in a way that you haven't committed to anyone else on the planet.

And you know what, it all turned out (relatively) okay, and I stopped feeling so much anxiety about all of them.

Define your boundaries, then stick to it. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Every time he brings it up, say "No, I'm afraid that won't be possible".

Nothing else. Repeat ad nauseum. He's not going to listen to logic.

My husband used this technique in a semi-similar situation - crazy ex-stepmother wanted to come by and see new baby, dad wanted to bring her. It took 5 minutes, and at least 25 repetitions of this phrase (no exaggeration), but he finally realized we weren't going to change our minds and stopped asking. It sounds so simple, but it really worked for us. Please try it.

Elle said...

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this! I agree what everyone has said thus far. I have had to learn how to separate myself from certain family members as well, and I'm still learning boundaries. That woman is out of control and must be stopped. Hang in there and be strong.

lorien_i said...

Please google 'Borderline Personality Disorder' and see if that resonates with you. If it does, read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' by Randy Krieger and buy your dad a copy. You should to give it to him without step-mother present.

Good luck.