Wednesday, May 19, 2010

A Haunting

Posted by Anonymous.

The past week really has been a hell of sorts.

It hasn't been terrible, but once again I feel - I have no better word - haunted.

It's not anything supernatural or spiritual in the sense of the undead hanging out with me at random times. It's more of a heart-haunt and a mind-haunt. Thoughts and feelings that I thought were gone have suddenly returned and refuse to leave me as it did once before regarding this same situation. It's the very strong remnants of a past relationship - a relationship into which I invested too much, received next to nothing, but cannot seem to shake. I fell in love with someone who misled me into believing that she was actually available - that we could actually have a future. My greatest fears were realized only a few short weeks later when she was able to patch things up with her "ex" (who wasn't really ever her ex, I now understand), and she dropped me without a word.

I have had one conversation with her since then - ONE - 2 months later, and in it she again tried to lead me to believe that months down the line, there could be something for us. My mind knew better. My heart didn't, but at least it didn't become fully invested as it did before.

Now it's been a year since the line between friendship and anything more really began to blur for me, and suddenly she's back in my thoughts, especially my dreams, and in my heart. I'm not "in love" with her again, or anything of that nature. That, while it took months, finally subsided. But I do really and truly miss her. Part of me wonders whether this will get worse in July when it will have been a year from when we actually had a real relationship. What makes more complicated is that we have so many mutual friends that I get accidental updates on her, and her current relationship, often. (If you're curious: She's fine. Their relationship is better than ever. They're moving away together to Xxx, XX this summer for her girlfriend's job.)

My few friends in whom I can really confide about the situation (without fear of further publicizing what ended up being her affair to minimize drama for each of us) are as supportive as they know how to be while being confused as to how I could possible have any amiable feelings toward this individual who treated me so poorly and rendered my heart so completely asunder. I appreciate them, but their support, comments, advice, etc. isn't solving this problem of being haunted by these remnants of my past relationship. I'm at a complete and utter loss as far as how to deal with this.


lisa said...

I'm sorry. I think the best thing you can do is continue what you've been doing - moving on. A day will come (someday) that you will get past the feeling haunted and be really able to move on. Until then, just try to be strong!

Rosie said...

I have been in four (!) relationships in which I thought that this is the person that I would and should spend the rest of my life with. For various reasons, it didn't work out, although I fought and struggled and cried and begged and tried to make it work. I finally found a person who wants me as much as I want him, and it is such a difference. I finally have someone who treats me right, respects me, and gives me as much as I give him. I look back on those previous relationships with fondness and tenderness, but thank goodness I didn't get then what I thought I wanted. I deserve so much more, and so do you.

You WILL get through and past this. Let yourself feel what you feel, rely on your friends, do things that make you happy.

AndAlex said...

When in doubt, turn to musical theater...

Time heals everything
Tuesday, Thursday
Time heals everything
April, August
If I'm patient, the break will mend
And one fine morning the hurt will end
So make the moments fly
Autumn, winter
I'll forget you by
Next year, some year
Though it's hell that I'm going through,
Some Tuesday, Thursday,
April, August,
Autumn, winter,
Next year, some year
Time heals everything...
-From "Mack and Mabel"

Those sudden, unlooked-for memories can be worse than the pain of the breakup itself...punches to the gut, out of nowhere. Good luck. You'll pull through!

*~Dani~* said...

I remember when I went through one of my worst breakups ever. I kept telling myself "a year from now, it wont hurt as much" and "a year from now, you will be better." I was right. Maybe July will be a turning point for you. Or, maybe, it will be a year from your last contact. However, it WILL get better from you.

And like a previous commenter noted, when you find someone that loves you just as much as you love them, this one will seem less significant.

Good luck and hang tough.

CheekySweetie said...

I almost thought this was about me at first, until details didn't fall into place. I was that girl...the one who started a new relationship and six intense weeks later, realized I had moved too soon. I hurt both of the men I cared for, and I never meant to. I think about it every day, and the effect of my mistakes haunt me, just as you are being haunted.

I can't say anything that will ease the pain you are in....I just wanted to say that sometimes in situations like these, the distance that follows is not because the one who hurt you doesn't care that she damaged you, but because the guilt and remorse is so strong, it seems like the only option. It seems like maintaining even a casual friendship will only hurt you more.