Monday, May 03, 2010

To My Husband

Posted by Anonymous.

To my husband,

There are things I wish I could say to you, that I never have. They get caught in my throat and then just circle in my head. Let me start with I love you, more than you can ever imagine. I can't imagine my life without you. And yet at times like this, I wonder why I am still here.

There are so many things that I can't even begin to talk to you about. You are a bad listener. You are a great reactor. I wish I could duct tape you to a chair to get you to hear me. You are fun to be around, but only think of yourself. You are a good husband, but not the best father. You are ruining our relationship with our daughter. You are driving the wedge in further and further. My son is afraid of you. You lack empathy. I understand your desperation, your fear when it comes to your daughter. I really do. But clearly this isn't working.

I don't know how to fix things anymore. Our family is falling apart around us, and I can't hold it together. And you don't get it. I hate myself for not stepping in when you are mad at her. I hate myself because I know that if it was my son you were yelling at like that, I wouldn't stand for it. And because she is my step-daughter, I don't feel like I have the same authority, and neither do you. I hate that. I hate that this is effecting my son so much. I don't know how to protect him. Sometimes I feel like I should have left to give him a better life. But if I left what would happen to her? I love her like she is my own daughter, and yet she isn't. And within our family that is very clear.

A week ago we agreed to not have anymore children, or even a child together. It hurts, and I know it is the right decision. But this isn't how I imagined my life. How are your values so different from mine when it comes to children?

But I love you. And I read this and it makes you sound like a monster, and you are not. You make us laugh and we're happy most of the time. But today the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. And it is all your fault. You don't get it.


Val said...

I understand your despair. Maybe you need to be the "moral compass" to intervene on your stepdaughter's behalf - you may be all she's got.

Anonymous said...

I second that ^^ first response---There is a child at stake here. Forget ruffling the feathers of this boy-man. This girl will suffer life long effects if no one intervenes on her behalf. And it sounds like it needs to be you.

Shnerfle said...

Wow. That was powerful and heart-wrenching and completely relatable. There are things we can't say to them, that simply must be said anyway. Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

Don't "wish" that you could talk to your own husband. Talk to him. Do it for her, do it for yourself. Just do it. Please.

Anonymous said...

you don't have to live this half-life. this guy, is he wonderful 50% of the time? or maybe he's 60% a great person? WHY are you willing to settle for so LITTLE?

it sounds like your self esteem is in the shitter and that's why you put up with this. harsh, i know. i have been in your shoes. SPEAK UP. be the one to change things, be the leader for your family. swallowing your words is not doing any good. are you content to sacrifice his daughter's well-being and your son's security for your need to not rock the boat? talking about it doesn't have to mean that you leave him or he leaves you, it just means that you sit down and talk. once you decide that this is no longer acceptable and you both have to change, your relationship will become less oppressive. for EVERYONE.

"my son is afraid of you." that should be where you draw the line. right there.

i'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time; i hope you can find your way through this with peace.

Ruby said...

Having at one time been in your shoes...literally...his daughter, my son; we have come out on the other side of a very rough journey. In-tact. He raised his daughter the way he thought was best. With a LOT of input from me, once I finally told him "My son is afraid of you. You will not, I will not, raise my child like this." he began to listen. Not a whole lot changed at first. It took time. A lot of talking. A lot of whispered (and sometimes very heated) conversations to the side. But we made.

Say what you need to say. For your sake. For your daughters sake. (Yes YOUR daughter) and for your sons sake. Even for your husband. I doubt he's happy with the way things are. He simply may not know another way.

It will be worth it to all of you.