Friday, June 18, 2010

A Life In Tatters

Posted by Anonymous.

We've been together for over 14 years, we own our own flat, we have two beautiful, wonderful little girls and the world's best cat. We've had our ups and downs, and yes, 2009 will certainly go down as one of the all time crap years - you got almost no work all year and we had two huge, unexpected purchases to make (over 18,000 € in total). Money is tight, so tight it's suffocating us, and you're still looking for work but having a really hard time finding it. I know all that.

But I don't know what to do when you start laying all the blame on me, when you start accusing me of a million vile, untrue things (you've been having headaches and ringing in your ears, and somehow this is a sign that I've been "doing something" to harm you, poison you, drive you mad; you've accused me of taking drugs, of being a tyrant, a hypocrit, a compulsive and pathological liar, of sleeping with our computer maintenance guy, of picking up men from internet dating sites, of sleeping with any number of men (of being a prostitute, in a way, but an unpaid one apparently), of being a compulsive internet gamer, of being insane...). It's all untrue, but you refuse to believe me. You insist that I be frank and honest and sincere, but when I am, you refuse to believe me. You've become Dr Jekyll - kind, considerate, affectionate, just like you used to be way back in the beginning - and Mr Hyde, accusing me of horrible, horrible things, saying (as you did this afternoon, in front of our friends, our children) that "I can't be with her right now, it's physical", saying you have to move out, even though financially that's just not a possibility while you have no income and I only have debts. You are destroying me, slowly, painfully.

Our younger daughter turned 6 last Tuesday and is having her birthday party tomorrow afternoon. I've been trying so goddam hard to hold things together to make her special day, her special party day, happy for her. But it's so hard. You give me hope, you talk sensibly and positively and then, the next day, BANG, you destroy it all again.

Right now, I hate you but I know, deep down, I love you like I always have. I'll never find it easy to forgive and forget all the hateful things you've said and done these last few weeks (the bitch slap in front of our elder daughter "I'm not saying why you deserve it because you know perfectly well" when of course I don't know (I should point out, to be fair, that you have never, ever hurt me before, this really was the first time) will be particularly hard to forgive and forget, as will the accusation that I'm trying to harm you physically), but I'll try. Just like I forgave (though didn't forget, I admit) your infidelities at the start of our relationship.

Ever since we've been together, I've been honest, faithful and supportive. I've worked like a slave to keep our heads above water (you did the lion's share of the household stuff, and I could never have worked as hard as I have without your help, I'm not denying that, or denigrating it, I appreciate it, but assumed it was just your role in the team I thought - wrongly, apparently - we were), I've done nothing but my best for us as a couple, a family.

You are now throwing it all away, on the basis of "facts" that you refuse to admit are false. I'm worried for your mental health, I'm worried about where this will all end. We live a long way away from the small amount of family I have, and almost as far from my two closest friends, so I feel horribly alone and totally unsure of what to do next.

I have to keep it together for tomorrow, I have cakes to make and goodie bags to prepare, I want our little girl to have a fun party, without you ruining everything by accusing me of something untrue in front of everyone. But I'm so scared, so very scared.

You're now talking about alternating custody, and that breaks my heart too. You refuse to go and see a counselor ("what for? You'd tell him your side, I'd tell him mine, it wouldn't get us anywhere"), you refuse to see a psychiatrist ("why? You're the one who needs psychiatric help!"), we just go round in circles.

I'm scared, I'm in pain, I'm alone and I'm more miserable than I've been in years.

I wish I knew what to do.

16 comments:

Yahee's Place said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. So much pain and sorrow. I'm sure you feel so alone and out of control. Please know that you are not alone. It sounds like you both need some support... if he won't talk to someone maybe you should. They may be able to help you convince him to open up to someone. Or help to with what your next step should be. I know it must feel next to impossible to stay strong through all of this. However, it sounds like you are doing it for your children. They will someday appreciate what you have done for them. Seeing you as a strong woman that doesn't take any crap will teach them what to accept from others. Show them that physical and emotional abuse is UNACCEPTABLE. I wish you all the best in your battle. You and your family are in my thought and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I'm very concerned that your husband might be having some psychiatric problems. I went through this with my own husband; the change in personality, the paranoia, the delusions, and he also refused to get help. I got support, laid down some firm boundaries, and basically gave him a choice of taking meds or finding somewhere else to live. I'm happy to say that the meds saved my marriage, and that he is back to his old self for the most part. I want to encourage you to get some support. Go talk to a counselor by yourself if he won't go. See what sort of community mental health support is in your area. (in the US we have N.A.M.I., I don't know what resources you have there).

Do what you need to do to protect yourself, and get some help and support. I hope things get better for you.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Anonymous@7:58...this sounds very much like a mental breakdown to me. It may be a response to all the stress, but I'd get that man to a doctor right away.

Much luck, and I hope things improve quickly.

Diane said...

Wow! If you just didn't write down my life for the last 17 years!!! However, I finally got myself help and then gave my husband the ultimatum of he gets help or he leaves. He got help. It's not perfect but better. Now we are starting couples counseling in a few weeks. Baby steps. You can do it!!

Anonymous said...

Hi,
The paranoia sounds like early stages of schizophrenia. I really hope it's not, for everyone's sake. Is there any way to get him to a psychiatrist or mental health professional stat? Even if it takes a "I'll go if you go?"

Regardless of what his diagnosis is, there is clearly something very wrong going on in his head. I am sorry you are experiencing this. If you ever even feel a little bit scared of him for any reason, get your children and get out as quickly as you can. Start talking to family members about what's going on. Ask for help. Keep us posted ....

Anonymous said...

This really sounds like he might be suffering from mental illness. Would he agree to see a doctor, especially if you said it was because you were worried about his physical symptoms? If he's truly paranoid that you are doing something to him, he might agree to go on that premise. Then, once there, the doctor could address some of the other things. Regardless of what's going on with him, I am so, so sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. Please let us know what happens.

Anonymous said...

You are not crazy. Please call your local domestic violence shelter or the national number 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) for someone to talk to and for your options.

Anonymous said...

Yes to all of the above. This happens. Get safe and get help. Then get help for him. Please

Anonymous said...

Grab your girls and get to a shelter please his mental state sounds off the charts. Please know that we care and want nothing but the best for all concerned but right now he needs a great big wake up call

Anonymous said...

You and the girls need to get out of there. It does not sound safe right now. It certainly does sound as though he has a mental illness and needs help/treatment and perhaps there is hope for you to continue as a family, but untill he gets help, you need to get out and be somewhere safe.

Anonymous said...

Your husband sounds mentally ill ... or like he has a brain tumour that's pressing on parts of the brain and altering his personality. He needs help. And if he refuses to get it, you need to protect yourself and your girls and get out.

Anonymous said...

Please let us know you're ok.

wofgtg said...

This thing upset me.
http://wofgtg.blogspot.com/..
Thanks

Anonymous said...

All of the above. This is definately a medical issue of some kind, but you and the girls need to be safe while he gets some help. If you confront him with an ultimatum, do so in a public environment so that there is less chance of him hurting you. No matter what the cost financially, you and the girls must find a safe place to be --and he needs medical help in the worst way. I hate to say it, but if he gets arrested for domestic violence, it may force him to get help --I just hope it doesn't come to that.
Please write and let us know you're ok.

Anonymous said...

Jesus, it's not rocket science--the guy is exhibiting paranoid behavior, which gives you one of two diagnoses--he's either bipolar with schizophrenic affect, or he's a full-bore schizo. Get him to a shrink, get some pills in him, and MAKE SURE HE TAKES THEM. A lot of those patients dislike the side effects, so they "cheek" the pills--you have to OBSERVE him taking his pills every day for the rest of his life, and deal with him getting a bit fatter and more lethargic.

OR....kick him to the curb. Split up, go your separate ways.

There is no nice way to say this--time for some TOUGH LOVE. Your man is mentally ill. It does not fix itself. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

my BIL was recently diagnosed with bipolar after almost fifteen years of marriage, and did everything (and more) to distroy his marriage. After a year of my sister trying to keep it together, he finally succeeded.

Sometimes you can't save what is broken.