Monday, June 21, 2010

I'm Blowing It

Posted by Anonymous.

I'm blowing it. My life. I'm blowing my life. At least that is how I feel today. I should be happy, I'm 28 and just bought my first house. I did it by myself. My boyfriend didn't help a bit, even though he makes double the money I do. That is the problem, my boyfriend is a nice guy and a good provider. The issue is he only provides for what he deems important. I, on the other hand, work hard, at a job that I greatly dislike most of the time, to provide for everything else.

I was raised with a slower pace of doing things. To me nothing has be to perfect right now, just so long as I am happy with what I have. I grew up with far less than I have now, but I think I was happier then. I've never cared about the newest this or that, or the most expensive. It's always was been about being comfortable in my life. Well, I'm not comfortable anymore. I am exhausted. He is exhausting. When I get home from a long day of work, he wants me to unpack or clean up or hang things. I want to lay down. When I tell him that I am exhausted he mocks me or makes a half joking comment that I am lazy. From there I tend to shut down. It's not fair. I work very hard, I deserve to be happy. I'm blowing it. I should be enjoying my freedom, not dreading going home to my new house because someone is going to nag me to death.

I know this is a very childish thing to complain about, I get it. There are many people in the world with much bigger problems. l am just exhausted and drained and tired of being tired. I want my chance to live happily ever after. I don't think I will get it.


Anonymous said...

Well, you're not going to get your happily ever after with this guy. You said it yourself: he is exhausting. I can't think of anything worse to say about a life partner. Dump him! It sounds like you'd be doing great on your own.

Anonymous said...

Exactly...anyone who does not consider what you want does not have your best interests at heart. Dump him, and celebrate your successes - on your own or with someone who shares your interests and visions.

And when you dump him, tell him he's a selfish idiot and you know that he can't change, because it's his personality.

Anonymous said...

You've written a fabulous post.

Honor it. Go ahead and print it out, or, better yet, copy it by hand on beautiful stationery, something you would use to write a letter to your closest friend.

A real letter to a beloved friend, a friend you cherish, but that you haven't seen in a really long time.

Write out this post and mail it to yourself on beautiful stationery, and a fun stamp picked out especially for the envelope.

If you make a mistake in the writing, don't cross it out; start with a new piece of paper: Make it Beautiful.

Then, when it arrives in your mailbox, clear some time and space for you to read it. If you enjoy a glass of wine, pour one. Set up the moment of reading, as though a friend were about to sit down with you, and she was going to fill you in on how her life is going.

Then, be polite and write your friend back. Share in the joy of communicating with someone you love and trust. She wrote to you because she knew you wouldn't call her "childish," but that you would care deeply that she was so tired.

How will you show your support for her in the letter you write back? Do you have any books to recommend?

Would you tell her there are much bigger problems than her happiness? Or, would you tell her that her happiness is necessary in this world, not as a selfish act, but as a means to give her energy to participate fully in this world?

I was 28 years old, once. I, too, lived in a house where I was so exhausted. Overweight. Stifled.

I'm not anymore. I live in a new house. I manage my weight. I express and express and express. The person I share my house with made all the difference, after my decisions guided me differently.

You'll be great. You are very smart.

Caren Drink said...

You are only 28....your life is at the very beginning! Dump him! You sound like you will be so much happier alone. In YOUR house.

Step back and read thos post like it was written by a stranger. You know what you would tell her? To dump his ass.

Anonymous said...

Oh, honey, you havn't blown your life. You've bought a house. It's a hugh responsibility, a hugh change, and really, really, stressfull. I'd bet you feel stuck in your pain-in-the-butt job now too, don't you? Because you have to pay the bloody mortgage.

I grew up like you, knowing that "enough" WAS good enough, and that being content WAS success.

This probably isn't going to feel good for awhile, but, you know what? After you adjust to this new "normal" it's going to feel great! After you buy a house, particularly you're first house it's a lot of work. If you're overwhelmed, leave it for awhile, take a nap, but make a plan to get it done sometime (a whole hour non-stop on Saturday morning gets a surprising amount accomplished, or so my Mother says;)) so that your house starts to feel like your home. When it does feel like your very own home, you will be sooo content, it's lovely, truely. And if it doesn't, they you bought the wrong house, for the wrong reasons, sell it. Try again. Or don't try again and rent. We all get lots of do-overs, for lots of things. (Not everything, but lots of things.)

Tell your boyfriend that HE IS NOT HELPING!! Talk to him and make it crystal clear that HE IS NOT HELPING! That this is YOUR house, YOUR responsiblity, and YOU will take care of it. His inpupt is not required, because he's making you feel worse. 'Cause, you know, he probably thinks he is helping. (Guys can be kinda stunned that way.)

Good luck, and paint something orange, or purple, or both, because you can. It's your house.

Anonymous said...

No mocking!! It is so disrespectful! You are NOT lazy. Dump Mr. Selfish.

Georgia Hardstark said...

As someone who has been in an unhappy cohabitation before, and was unhappy with her life, I've gotta be a little harsh with you and tell you to quit with the whining and start making changes in your life. It seems like you tend to go along with what you're "supposed" to be doing, and where society deems you should be at any given point in your life. If you're not happy, change things. It's really quite simple. You kick the boyfriend out, you don't buy a home when you're unhappy at your job because you'll be paying the mortgage and therefore can't quit the job, etc. Common f*cking sense, really. Sorry to be a jerk, but you're complaining about a situation a think a lot of people would trade in their own for. What's the point of owning a home when you haven't even figured out the life you want to live in it yet? It sounds like you're boyfriend's not right for you and you'd be better off alone, trying to figure out exactly what you want, not in a partner, but from yourself.

Anonymous said...

First of all, congratulations on the new home!! This should be a very happy and exciting time for you - and being exhausted is completely normal right now. Unfortunately, your partner not seem to understand this. I do not understand why he feels he has the right to say what he is saying about you - this is your home, and you should be laying the ground rules. You deserve every happiness, you should not be settling for second best. I think you need to be making some difficult decisions - sooner, rather than later. Good luck!!

Anonymous said...

We all like to say that we're sorry for what you're going through. But you need to understand that you've put yourself in this position.

This is what's called a leech relationship. He leeches off of your successes. Even if he's making more money, it shouldn't matter in a relationship. You both should put your finances together, yourselves together in a place where you're both happy.

Maybe his priorities in life are different from yours. To make yourself think, is this the guy that you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Anonymous said...

You are blowing it. And by acknowledging it and writing it down you show great insight. That means you can do something about it. Whether that be confronting your partner and talking to him about it or packing his stuff and telling him to rack off. Seems to me that this is the first step in the right direction. Life changes are never easy, but my god, they look (and feel) good in hindsight.

Tracey... said...

If your sick and tired of being sick and deserve more...this guy is not the right one...move on an be happy. Make this be the first day to the rest of your HAPPY life, not just another day in your UNHAPPY life.

Anonymous said...

Please come back here and tell us you got rid of him. And congrats on the house--how wonderful!

Thrift Store Mama said...

Please don't get pregnant with this guy. Sounds like he is trying to control you with all the criticism - and that's not a healthy home for a child.

Anonymous said...

I also agree with you and say please come back here.

Anonymous said...

sounds to me like your boyfriend ought to be paying rent, eh?

he didn't and isn't paying for the house but he's living in it?

never mind demanding more of him - you'll never get it without coercion and ugh what good is that? - demand more of yourself! as in self-respect.

then you explain to him:

1) this is what i feel and no, i'm not going to 'prove' to you that my feelings are valid or have merit. it is what it is.

2) i am not telling you what to do. i am telling you what I am going to do. you can either come along for the ride or get off and there isn't a third option.

Stone Fox said...

something that caught my eye was when you said that your bf only provides things that he deems important. that's a subtle way for him to control you with money, dontcha think? maybe he doesn't know he's doing it, maybe he does; by only providing financially for things that he thinks are worthwhile, he is sending the message that your needs and wants are less important.

also, if he is calling you lazy or mocking you, that needs to stop. it IS your house; you make the rules. if he doesn't like the state of the house, well.. point him in the direction of the cleaning supplies.

something has to give; either he pays someone to come in and clean, or he does it himself, or he stops complaining, or he leaves. if you're shaking your head and thinking, 'he'd never go for any of that!' then there is a problem. if the only happy answer for him is that YOU clean it, then that's another controlling behaviour.

good luck!

Anonymous said...

Leave him, please leave him. He won't change, that's who he is. A relationship should give to you, not take from you. Please, leave him.

Anonymous said...

Talk to him. Tell him what you need. He may not be aware of how he's making you feel. Give him time to consider what you say. Hopefully, thing'll get better. If there's no understanding you may have to move on. best wishes

Anonymous said...

You "want your chance to live happily ever after. You don't think you will ever get it".
Every day you CHOOSE your life.
No one is keeping you from it.
You are responsible for your choices.If the BF is selfish get rid of him. If you need a roomate to help with expenses, get one-it won't be forever. Go live happily
ever after. Life is to short to put it off. I wish you great happiness!! Carolyn

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you have done the right things for the right reasons in the past. So you know what feels "right".

It sounds like you're starting to self-talk using his words. Stop. He's not your friend. He's controling you with negativity and self doubt.

I was in a marriage for 18 years that started out like this. He won't change. If you commit to him (legally) life changes will probably bring out the worst in him. I'll give you some examples using my life.

My exhusband took our last $1000 to go on a fishing trip when I was pregnant. I was working 3 p/t time jobs and supposed to be on bedrest because he wouldn't work. He didn't help with house or yard work. I think he made more of it just because he could. He made "jokes" that were meant to eat away at my competence and feelings of self worth. You get the picture.

You're not being childish. You're listening to your voice. The women here have your best interst at heart. Leaving him won't be the end of your world - it will probably be the beginning.

Anonymous said...

So did you kick him out of YOUR HOUSE YET???

Anonymous said...

don't stay in a relationship that you know in your heart isn't going to work for you. been there, done that and wasted 3 years of my life (late twenties ~ like you!) within one year i found my prince charming, have been HAPPILY married for 8 years and have 2 gorgeous girls. when it's right, you just KNOW! and when it's wrong, you know, too! your happily ever after will happen. take that step and control your own destiny.

Anonymous said...

I read this and thought I was reading my own story. I'm 29 and it's like almost the same story. Just bought a house, and work hard to pay for it. My bf makes more than me too. Mine doesn't try to tell me to clean up or anything though, it's just that I have to clean up after him like he's a friggen little kid. He does landscaping for a living and yeah that's hard work I know, but you picked your job, not me, I don't want to hear it that you're tired and you work so hard all day blah blah blah. I didn't make you take that freaking job, you chose it. Mine also spends his money on what HE deems necessary. After work he rots his ass in the chair on the stupid ps3 all night. I swear someday soon I am going to dump a bucket of water on that stupid ps3 and watch it fry. I think we both know they need to go but I understand why you haven't kicked him out yet. It's like you're so busy working all day then doing stuff at your new house, it's like when will you even have time to meet someone new? You keep him around, knowing it's going nowhere, just because it's nice to have someone around. Mine is also good if you have something really heavy to carry in and you can't do it yourself, but God forbid he carries a bag of groceries in or puts them away. Some days we're good but some days I come home and I won't even speak a word to him because I just want to flip out. It really makes me not want to go home to MY house either. I totally know how you feel, and you're not the only idiot out there, I'm right here with you.

Anonymous said...

Kick that lazy bastard OUT. Have some self respect, for chrissake. What, you think you're nothing...without a MAN? You think you're a loser unless you have...a boyfriend? Who doesn't pay any bills?

You need to lose some weight--start by dumping that clown. And MOCK HIM as you throw his crap out on the street. Get him gone--you'll feel beautiful and fulfilled again. You feel like a loser because you have a toxic turd in your home, which should be your sanctuary. Flush that turd and move foreward with your life.

Anonymous said...

this is not childish, this is your life. A life partner is someone who is your PARTNER, not someone who lords things over you, tells you what to do, how to feel or makes you feel as if you are less then him on ANY level (especially if you are making less then he is)

If this were your best friend, would you allow her to continue in this relationship? I think not. Being alone is far better then dealing with someone who makes you feel "less then" in any way shape or form.

This guy is not worthy of you, and he's trying to make you feel inferior to level the playing field. Stand up, realize you do not have to take this, and show him the door. You are worth so much more then this. You are so worth someone who will make you feel so incredibly special, who will take care of you and help you out when you are so tired.

Please, realize you are worth more then this.

LoriBreathintoLive said...

Someone who exhausts you can not be an asset in your life. You have your home...and in your home you must have peace. Do what is necessary to have peace..the rest will well

Anonymous said...

I know this blog was written four months ago, and I hope things have changed since this blog. If not please leave him. Find it somewhere in you to leave him. We have one life to live. You sound like a very hard working, independent woman. You've bought a house all by yourself. He has done nothing. Don't waste YOUR OWN life with a nobody. "I know this is a very childish thing to complain about, I get it. There are many people in the world with much bigger problems." You are right about many people in the world with bigger problems but a problem is a problem. If it is a nuisance in your life it matters and needs to be dealt with. I am praying for you. Hugs!