Monday, July 19, 2010

A Letter To Me

Posted by Connie.

To Me, present and future...

I've been trying to figure out the best way to write this blog, but I can't figure it out, so if it sounds more like a rant and less like a well-composed intelligent thought, thats why.

In my life, I have always had a problem. What is that problem you ask? Well, to put it simply, I give people too many chances. I always lived my life believing that no matter what, people had GOOD somewhere in them, and that everyone deserved the opportunity to show that. So, when someone hurt me, I would let them go for a little while, only to let them back in the minute they came back around. I always thought that I was doing a good thing, but in reality, I was only hurting myself more. It was like I was telling myself that I didn't deserve to be treated right the first time, and that it was OK for me to accept only second best. In the last year, I have made alot of changes in that department. I have let go of alot of people who really just weren't good for me. It was hard, but I did it, knowing that the people that I still have care enough about me to make up for that absence. I have done this successfully with one exception: my mother. As (more than one person) pointed out to me, it's like I am a drug addict. No matter how crappy she makes me feel about myself, my life, and the people who love me, I keep going back for that "momentary high" that I get when she gives me even an ounce of praise. The problem I have come to realize is that its all an illusion. That praise is given with strings attached; with conditions. If I don't fulfill those conditions, it comes back ten-fold in the form of insults, hatred, and just plain meanness. No matter what, though, I always went back. Not only did this hurt me, this hurt the people around me who were finally starting to trust and care about me. This ONE relationship was tearing down all of my other ones. Not anymore.

The purpose of this blog is mostly for me. In the case that I couldnt get a hold of someone like J, M, or K in a weak moment, I can read this to remind myself why I left in the first place. Some of you might wonder "Is it really that bad?" The answer is yes, and so much worse. It would take a lifetime to detail the 22 years of hurt that has been laid upon me; for now, I will use this blog to remind myself of the ones that stick out the most.

When I was 8 years old, my mom took me and my brother to a 60s dance at the elementary school. Back then, I had a "boyfriend" named chris; he was my "boyfriend" because we were 8 and we sat next to each other in school for 3 years, LOL, and he invited me to his birthday party and told his mom I was his girlfriend. Anyway, at the dance, my mom was being a spoilsport, I remember, and I started dancing with Chris' mom. Apparently, this made my mother feel very jealous, and at the end of the night she told me that everyone probably thought that Chris' mom was really my mom because we were both so fat.

I have never been a skinny person. I have always been overweight. Don't worry though, because I never forgot that either. My mother made sure of that. She can say that it was "because she cared" all she wants to, but there is caring, and then there is purposely making someone feel bad about themselves. When I was 10 years old, I couldnt find an outfit to wear to church with my friend. I was upset about this, I remember, and instead of comforting me, my mother told me that "If I wasn't such a damn whale, I would be able to find something to wear". Thats hurtful at any age; imagine what it does when you are 10.

All throughout middle school and high school, I was terrified of getting bad grades. My mother actually thinks this is a good thing, like well at least you would never bring a bad grade home, but I on the other hand, know differently. Yes, I liked to get good grades, and yes I was a good student, but anytime I even brought home a bad progress report or report card (and when I say bad, I mean I got one C out of an entire semester), my mother would lay into me in her passive aggressive way. "Oh sure, a C is fine. A C means average, so as long as you are OK with being AVERAGE than thats great."

While I was living at home with my mother, after highschool and during college, I was working part time, sometimes full time, and going to school full time, commuting even, so my days were long and I never really had a break. I will admit it, when I got home, I was exhausted, completely, and all I really wanted to do was be able to enjoy what little time I did have open by spending it with my friends and, when the time came, my boyfriend. My mom got mad at me because I didnt help to clean up around the house enough. I wouldnt vacuum, I wouldnt do the dishes, trust me if u asked her the list would go on and on. I am not denying that I didnt do much housework, I didnt. It was not because I was lazy, however, it was because I was SO DAMN BUSY. At that point, my mother wasnt even working. SO basically, she stayed home all day and never did anything except play on her computer, yet when Kayla got home from school, I got home, or Marty got home, all from very long days, WE were supposed to do all of the work. Once in a while is fine, ALWAYS is just ridiculous. My mother had the nerve to tell me that having me in the house was like living with an extremely rude roommate. Why? Because I didn't clean up a mess that I didnt make? I barely ate at home, barely spent my time there, and when I was there she was also making me feel like crap. This went on for years and years and that feeling that she made me feel, that I was basically garbage, will never go away.

This one is a sensitive topic, but one of the BEST ways to remind myself just why its best for me to stay away. When I FINALLY confessed to my mother that my brother had molested me for 9 years, she barely batted an eyelash. She gave the standard "oh really, im sorry" blah blah excuse, but she NEVER wanted to talk about it. Talking about it is what I really needed, and she just wouldnt. Even worse, after I told her this, she was still going out of her way to communicate with him, making sure he was ok wherever he was at, not making stupid decisions, worried when he started acting crazy, etc etc. And she would ask me about him and if I had heard from him, no matter how many times I told her I didnt want to hear about him at all. I remember crying on the phone with my friend while I was at work after my mom had called me and freaked out about Bobby. I was so upset that she just didnt seem to care about what I was feeling. I understand that Bobby is her kid and she will always worry. What I didn't understand was why she had to act like she was SO concerned with him, so worried about him, when she never acted that way towards me. I felt like no matter what, I would always just not be good enough for her.

And finally, the most recent BIG THING I guess, even though there are thousands of others. In February, I had to have emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder. And by emergency, I mean ambulanced out of work during a 3 foot snow storm emergency. James drove from Fairfax to Woodbridge in his truck with horrible traction, in the snow, to be by my side. He was there with me for 9 hrs, and drove me to CVS after, got my prescriptions, drove me home, etc etc. He was there taking care of me and making sure I was ok the WHOLE time. The next day, I called my mom. I was upset because I did not have insurance, and the surgeons deposit was going to cost me 1500. I didnt have this; I wasnt using my credit cards and I didnt have any in savings. I didnt want to, but I asked my mother for help. Yes, she helped me out and for that I am very thankful, but it didnt come without cost. First, she told me that this was all my fault; that it was from the way I lived my life. Then, when I told her that I might need her to drive me to the hospital on the day of my surgery because James wasn't sure he would be able to get the day off, she insulted him and made me feel bad at the same time. She said, and I quote "What good is it to have a boyfriend who lives near you if he can't take care of you?". Im sorry, but what a horrible fucking thing to say to your daughter. My boyfriend had spent the last 9 hrs in the ER with me, by my side, holding my hand, etc. SHE didnt even come to the ER. (And by the way, James took off work and took me to the surgery, my mother never even came.) Jean, (the lady I live with) drove me to the pre-op appt. So yes, my mother gave me her money. I guess that meant she didnt have to give her time.

Like I said, this probably didn't sound like the most put together thing in the whole world, but I felt the need to get it out of me, to put it in writing so that I would be able to come back to it. There are people in my life that care about me; people who are GOOD for me. Its unfortunate that my mother isnt one of them, but at this point, it doesnt even matter. I just need to remember to call them first.

Ce La Vie


Anonymous said...

Don't beat yourself up for giving your mom chances --that's a normal thing to do. You were looking for your mom to be nurturing and supportive - obviosuly she is not.

Please stick by your resolve to re-read this when you're thinking about calling her. She is toxic. She is unkind. She will never be what you would like her to be. She is the one lacking, not you.

I hope that you find someone else in your life that can be like a Mom to you. You deserve it.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorryy. You deserve a much better mom. Somehow you turned out great, you should be very proud of yourself! And your boyfriend sounds wonderful, I'd keep him around.

Anonymous said...

You are no longer a kid. You no longer need validation from your mother, but yet the little girl inside you keeps holding on to what your 6 or 12 year old self needed. As an adult, your parents opinion is just an opinion, not a life altering changing force. They no longer have the power over you to affect your life in catastrophic ways. Example: They can't move you to a new town and force you to adjust to new friends like they would have been able to when you were younger. You can say no.

Find your VOICE. You no longer need to curl up in your mom's lap with your blankie. You no longer need a mommy. So let go. Her approval doesn't change you. Ignore it. She won't stop you from making friends, finding a new job, falling in love. Her opinion has as much weight as you let it have.

Took me years to get it, and people around me got very frustrated that I wouldn't let go of that inner little girl's needs. But eventually I got it. Just like the many women before me, and the ones that come after, I got it. You will too and you'll love yourself for it.

Good luck!!

x o x o u i said...

The thing about us having a blog as a sounding board for ourselves is something I understand, but I wish you wouldn't feel so alone. You have the whole blogosphere in which to find solace and friendship and good listeners.

There are real, live, actual human women reading your entries. If you reach out to us, I'm sure you'll find that you won't be turned away. ~hug~

x o x o u i said...

p.s. I like what one of the Anonymous readers said about no longer curling up in your mommy's lap. It's almost that you an adult, you need to see that there is nothing wrong with being your own mother and learning to LOVE YOURSELF. It's so much easier to have someone else love you. :-) But if you start doing nice things for yourself, then you might like it.

Laurie said...

Wow! Great for you. I had to leave my family too. I am 47 and it took me until I was 42. They kind of helped me along because some of them disowned me when I got together with my now fiancee'. They really did me a favor and gave me the strength to cut the strings and move on with my own life and my own family (I have four children). Sure sometimes it sucks and you wish you had a mom but you don't. I don't and its okay. It hurts less that way!! And they thought I couldn't live without them. Huh, if I knew it would feel this good I would have disowned them long ago. Laurie in Colonie

Anonymous said...

I got scared for a minute there. At first, I thought some secret part of me wrote this awhile ago, and somehow it got on the internet without my knowledge. Then I realized the examples were different, but it was the experiences that made it seem so familiar. I'm sorry you're going through this- but i'm glad (selfishly) that I am not alone. I want to let you know that you are NOT alone. I can't express to you in these meek sentences how much I fully understand your PAIN and quite possibly, rage, Even though quite possibly nothing can make up for your loss of a genuine loving and caring parent, it seems that you may have been blessed with another love. Sometimes- water runs thicker than blood.

I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

It is really sad that those types of mothers exist. I think that the lie that society forces us to achknowlede as exceptable behavior ie, "mothers love their", make it very difficult to gain freedom. When I see moms face, I get excited until she opens her mouth and I remember...I don't and have never had a mother.

şenyuva 5. bölüm izle said...

thank you

Anonymous said...

I here you sister!! Xox! Stay away from them - they are toxic , they will only bring you down .. Love who love you and care enough to be by your side .. You matter! Protect your family - you have been blessed with the knowledge and support you need to break the cycle of abuse ..the journey is rough at times .. Stay away from them .. You deserve that beautiful life you created and you need to be a great mom .. It will free you more if you focus on how far you have come .. Keep looking at what you have and dream of want you want -- NOT WHAT YOU CAN'T CHANGE!! Embrass it and follow your journey -- peace and love .. I need to start a blog lol !

Anonymous said...

Hey not for nothing - but THANK -YOU! I am 50 . My story is so much like yours .. And I can see where I am on my journey. I'm Not alone..