Posted by Anonymous.
Since you were four months pregnant, your husband has been cheating on you, with me. He told me he loved me, that I was the love of his life. We spent almost every evening together, in the park, by the library, up the hill, anywhere you can think of in the San Mateo neighborhood.
Then one night, we slept together at a hotel. I felt so guilty, yet I desired him so. I had tried to end it, when your daughter was born, he thought I was abandoning him without warning, made me feel terrible for leaving him in this state. Anger, bitterness -- it was all around. I went away to London and came back, thinking that if I had left him alone, he would not pursue this and take care of you and you daughter. I got weak and succumbed to him.
I admitted to my husband about the affair and it devastated him. I couldn't live with myself. I was in a battle between my head and my heart. I went back for more, but I also started to become domineering to ask him to tell you the truth. He wouldn't. He told me I was heartless and cold-hearted. You should listen to his words, every day, threatening to want to kill himself with sedatives. I felt bad and stuck with him and tried not to express my anguish and suffering. Once, I was so desperate for him to tell you and he threw a brick out of anger. I didn't understand, why he would tell me he loved me but he wouldn't confess his love. I got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore.
He texted me every day at work and abused me with his words. You know how good his words are. William Stafford was his favorite poet, he gave me his one and only book and used to read poems to me. I bet he did the same with you. I couldn't take his abuse and my own suffering anymore. I spoke to HR about it and they dismissed him. He was so angry. I felt so guilty. Yet you still have no idea. He came back, I met your daughter, he came back and made love to me for 3 weeks, even on a trip to Monterey. I was naive to believe that he was going to love me and leave you.
We have been sexually and emotionally involved for two years. I know it hurts, but you should have the right to know what happened so that you can decide for yourself. Your husband swore at me every day for destroying his life, career and marriage. I am sorry for what I have done, but I just thought you should know. I loved him but he didn't love me enough to tell you the whole truth. I hope he's a good man and will treat you well.
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20 comments:
This guy 1) cheats on his pregnant wife, 2) throws things, 3) swears at you, 4) stalks you, 5) threatens you (with his suicide), 6) disrupts your job... and that's just the stuff you admitted here.
That's not love, sister, that's an Eminem song.
You would be well rid of him. Change your phone numbers, get a restraining order... get this toxic person out of your life!
And for God's sake, have the guts to actually tell his wife, rather than hoping that she'll find this blog (you dropped plenty of hints to his identity - it doesn't take Freud to figure out that you're hoping that she'll read this). She deserves to know.
ditto above.
Frankly, this man doesn't deserve to be with anyone. Please tell his wife so she can make an informed decision, and consider counseling to figure out what is drawing you to such destructive drama in life.
Where-the-f**k did THIS come from: "I hope he's a good man and will treat you well."
All his actions proclaim that he AIN'T a good man; in fact he's a very BAD man who reminds me uncomfortably of my ex (who also took up w/a "friend" when I was 2 mos pregnant w/our son, then denied denied denied it for 18 mos until the evidence was overwhelming...).
Still took him another 4 yrs to publicly acknowledge her as a GF; prior to that she was just "a good friend".
I'd like to say that you deserve better than this scumbag, but knowingly cheating with a married man says quite a lot about you and your (lack of) morals. Perhaps you got suckered in and didn't have the strength to say no, perhaps you had daddy issues, I don't know. (And neither is an excuse! There is NO EXCUSE for what you have done.) What I DO know is that his wife- the only one in the dark, and the only innocent one in this situation- deserves better. For her sake, and for the sake of his daughter, tell her the truth immediately.
I'm sure his wife has her faults too, but only a selfish coward would cheat and deceive and she did not force him to do so. He has broken her trust and potentially exposed her to STDs, which could put her life at risk. If he was cheating with you, it's likely he was cheating with others on the side. (I wonder if you ever considered that there might have been others. If I were you, I'd get tested.)
My father cheated on my mother for years rather than have the guts to get a divorce and move on, and when we finally learned about his double life it was FAR more devastating to us kids than a divorce could ever have been.
Grow a pair, do the right thing (finally!), and get some counselling to figure out why you don't expect better than someone else's husband. And build up some good karma- you need it.
Wrong is wrong. Shame on you.
I'm the daughter, now 43. I haven't forgiven you. Or him.
You can not be serious.
.... You're not serious, right?
Remember everyone - this is meant to be a safe space. Speak your mind, but please try to be civil, even gentle, about it. Respond as though you were responding to a friend.
Thanks.
1) Let him go.
2) Tell the wife.
3) Extract yourself from this situation, and look at what you are going to do next. What did you learn from this? How does this change your view on life? What do you want to do differently?
Her Bad Mother:
What did anyone say that was not civil or the absolute truth? I can certainly understand responding "as if speaking to a friend", but a friend's job is not only to support, but to give you a proverbial slap upside the head when it is needed. She needed such a slap, and we gave her one.
No one was rude. Several commenters were firm and opinionated (myself included), and we're entitled to our opinion. This woman needs to understand the severity of what she has done, admit her actions and her guilt, feel true remorse, analyze her motiviations (through counselling, I hope), and become a better person so she can better her life. Hopefully this is a wake-up call, because she needs one.
Lia,
No-one crossed a line. I delete comments that cross the line. But it was tip-toeing a bit toward the line with remarks about shame (which, on their own, are just finger-wagging - I'm sure she knows that she shouldn't be PROUD of this.)
Just getting the reminder out there before someone starts name-calling.
"This woman needs to understand the severity of what she has done, admit her actions and her guilt, feel true remorse, analyze her motiviations (through counselling, I hope), and become a better person so she can better her life. Hopefully this is a wake-up call, because she needs one."
Holy crap....seriously? It must be nice that some people don't have to stoop so low as to being human....you know...making mistakes and all.
From the sounds of it, I don't think anyone can beat her up more than she's already doing to herself.
Dear Anonymous,
You are in probably the worst possible place it's possible for a woman to occupy outside of a war zone or mere survival mode. My guess is you hope for sympathy, and you have mine, because 15 years ago I was involved with a married man. Luckily for me, he was a serial cheater who had other women and often "couldn't make" our planned dates. Though it broke my heart (or was it some other body part?), after several years I finally moved on. With time and distance I've forgiven myself and learned. For those of you who are demanding that Anonymous stop now and tell, and those who are so self-righteous, well, your arguments are correct, but you might as well talk to the wind. She isn't ready to hear you yet. Please be patient.
Anon,
You deserve better in your life. All involved deserve better in their lives. Take care of you. I've been very close to where you are. I'm not proud, but I understand.
Take care of you.
You know better, so now do better. (sorry Mia Angelou, for messing w/your words like that) Please make it so that you can look yourself in the eye at the end of the day.
I can't presume to know what that means for you in your situation, but I think that you probably do. Or you're smart enough to figure it out at some point.
We are all weak and broken and not one of us more or less than the other. Not in the big picture, I don't think. Well, mainly, I don't know, but it's what I believe.
Make it so that you can hold your head up. Do what it takes to get you there. No one can do this for you. And once you do look around from that spot, that head-up spot, you will never, ever bow yourself again.
Anonymous 11:33,
Cheating can ruin lives. You've obviously never felt the betrayal and anguish of someone who has been cheated on. I'm glad- I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Making a mistake? A mistake is counting out the wrong change at a grocery store. A mistake is accidentally running a stop sign. Cheating is a conscious CHOICE- you choose to forget your vows (or that the other person has made them) and you choose to have sex. Then, you choose to lie about it, and maybe keep things going for an extended period. OP knew what she was doing. As an intelligent adult, she could hardly NOT know. I hope she feels remorse, because that's what a decent person feels when they've done something wrong.
Reading her post, I don't get the sense that she's beating herself up over it. Do you expect everyone to tell her "it's okay, just forget about the whole thing"? She needs to figure out why she did the things she did so she can grow as a person, and she needs to come clean with the wife. Period.
As a wife and a mother if my husband cheated on me for two years I'd like to know. I'd probably be devastated and in denial about the situation but in the end I'd be glad to know I was being deceived in order to take action.
Maybe you don't even have to tell her in person. Do it anonymously just as you are doing this. Maybe through a letter? A phone call? It's better to do something now because 20 years down the road he might continue doing the same thing to her, and the entire family will suffer even more.
I would want to know too.
I've been the "other woman" AND the wronged partner. Both sides suck. I've also been the child in this situation.
Interestingly, my mother would NOT want to know. When my father cheated, I found a note from the other woman to him which made it clear that he had strayed. After a lot of deliberation, I took it to my mom. It had huge repercussion in our family, and even though they stayed together, KNOWING about it was the hardest thing for her. Later on she admitted to me that she wished I'd never told her. She preferred plausible deniability to the truth.
For what it's worth, *I* would want to know. The above situation frustrates me to this day!
Good luck, OP. Whatever you decide to do, make the right decision for YOU, and then move ON with your life, wiser about the dangers of married men. Don't keep obsessing over this guy - he's not worth another moment of your time.
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