Posted by Anonymous.
Sometimes I feel like if I don’t write, my head will explode. I don’t even have any privacy for that anymore. He checks my phone, my internet history, everything is suspect the moment I want a little privacy. I don’t have a blog either. No place to put all the words in my head, so they just circle the drain, maddeningly slowly, until they are gone.
The feelings that inspired them just pile up. They never go anywhere even when the words are no longer there.
I am so sad lately. Angry too. But the anger is at myself. I’m 39 years old. I should have known better than to find myself here, again. Why did I ever marry a man who doesn’t like me? Only a few months ago, in fact. And now I can see, he doesn’t like anything about me, nothing I do is good enough….certainly he certainly isn’t in love with me…. I have come to realize I simply can’t please him. He is never happy and always looking for something to criticize. No effort I ever make is good enough.
I myself, I have come to realize, am not good enough for this man. I can’t remember the last time he really smiled at me or made eye contact that wasn’t an angry glare. We never make love, seldom even “have sex” and when we do, it’s fast and rough and there’s no joy in it….I miss that loving touch and the beauty of that so much I can taste tears in my throat just thinking about it. No one but my kids ever touches me
anymore, no one really ever smiles at me. No one ever talks to me in a kind and concerned voice, to the point I teared up hearing a compassionate and caring tone from my doctor last week.
I feel so stupid. I knew this was what I was getting into…I knew I wasn’t going to be cherished, treasured, respected, prioritized, adored. I suspected he was using me and marrying me as a means to an end in his custody battleway to get more time with his kids. He didn’t propose, he just told me the kids were “ready” for us to get married. I feel so stupid and so, so ashamed. I can’t even pretend to be surprised, I knew all of it. He never urged me to do anything for myself, even buy a nice
dress for the wedding instead of the cheapest one. My dress was $13… his suit was $500….did I mention I paid for it all, and put the last of my savings on a downpayment for his new truck, while I drive a real clunker? There was , and has been, no mention of a honeymoon, nothing. Not even a wedding night somewhere special. Didn’t I think I deserved more?
All we have done since then is fight. He is sure there is, or has been, another man. Every day he turns something into “proof” of that and accuses me of all manner of nastiness. If I defend myself, he self-righteously claims that’s “proof” too. I want to take a lie detector test but he refuses to participate because his ego can’t handle the idea anyone would find out the lengths I’d have to go to get him to believe me. Also because (I secretly think) once I passed it, he wouldn’t be able to stay mad at me, and he enjoys that too. Because if I am tripping all over myself
defending his accusations against wrong numbers and texts to girlfriends and why I was 5 minutes late, he still has the upper hand, and I am not an equal.
We are in counseling. Already. We had homework, about my feelings. They are still sitting on my dresser three weeks later. He won’t ask to see it or talk about it. It will sit there until I get so embarrassed and hurt that I pretend it’s lost just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore.
The Dr. is running tests in a few weeks to see if I have something seriously wrong….maybe cancer even. It’s not likely, but even so. I just wanted him to hold me. To act upset that something might take me from him. To seem concerned in any
way. Instead he just told me I was probably in menopause and nitpicked me for not staying at the office and having the tests run right then., with my mother there (oh hell no.) There was no kiss, no stroking me, no kindness, no concern. I fell asleep
and dreamed he got upset and said he couldn’t stand the idea of anything happening to me. But it didn’t happen. , really. It won’t. Yesterday he got up and stormed out because I didn’t say “bless you” when he sneezed. But I guess I don’t deserve
his concern and comfort when I’m really scared.
Here it is the next day and all we have done is fight some more. He made a nice dinner and gave me a card, and now he’s insisting I haven’t “tried”. I have tried so hard and nothing’s ever been enough. I am tired of failing with every effort. I “try”
every day. It’s all I think about- how NOT to make him mad. I just want to hear something nice. Something kind and loving. Instead I hear how disrespectful and callous I am for being 5 minutes “late” home from the store or I get ridiculed at a
family gathering for how I am so stupid for flushing a tampon.
I used to be pretty, and smart and a good mom. I had nice things, I drove a nice car and wore pretty clothes. My house was clean. My kids got good grades. I used to have friends and people had nice things to say about me. I liked myself. I believed in myself and I had dreams. I wish sometimes I hadn’t. Maybe if I had never had that I wouldn’t have such a hard time with this, being no one.
Every day is a struggle, nothing I do is ever good enough to matter. I work harder than I ever have, and its not enough to make anyone happy. I am invisible and unappreciated. I literally cannot remember the last time I felt whole. I think
about ending my life all the time, I don’t see any way that this will get better. I can hardly bear the idea of another 20 years of days like these- working and working and working with no one to hold me or love me or appreciate me. No one to ever smile
at me or laugh with me; no one to ever tell me I am special or smart or worthwhile. Just an endless stream of accusations and criticism and cold rejection….right now the only thing that keeps me here is a promise I made my grandfather- and
the thought of someone telling my baby girl that I left her on purpose. So I just go through the motions and I wait and see. I can’t put my kids through another divorce. No one wants to hear that you are in ANOTHER bad marriage. My family knows something’s wrong but they cant handle it and so they are turning a blind eye. I can’t leave. But I don’t know what happens to me if I stay. I am disappearing a little bit every day. At least sometimes in my dreams, he still loves me and I
am still good enough.