Monday, September 13, 2010


Posted by Anonymous.

Sometimes I feel like if I don’t write, my head will explode. I don’t even have any privacy for that anymore. He checks my phone, my internet history, everything is suspect the moment I want a little privacy. I don’t have a blog either. No place to put all the words in my head, so they just circle the drain, maddeningly slowly, until they are gone.

The feelings that inspired them just pile up. They never go anywhere even when the words are no longer there.

I am so sad lately. Angry too. But the anger is at myself. I’m 39 years old. I should have known better than to find myself here, again. Why did I ever marry a man who doesn’t like me? Only a few months ago, in fact. And now I can see, he doesn’t like anything about me, nothing I do is good enough….certainly he certainly isn’t in love with me…. I have come to realize I simply can’t please him. He is never happy and always looking for something to criticize. No effort I ever make is good enough.

I myself, I have come to realize, am not good enough for this man. I can’t remember the last time he really smiled at me or made eye contact that wasn’t an angry glare. We never make love, seldom even “have sex” and when we do, it’s fast and rough and there’s no joy in it….I miss that loving touch and the beauty of that so much I can taste tears in my throat just thinking about it. No one but my kids ever touches me
anymore, no one really ever smiles at me. No one ever talks to me in a kind and concerned voice, to the point I teared up hearing a compassionate and caring tone from my doctor last week.

I feel so stupid. I knew this was what I was getting into…I knew I wasn’t going to be cherished, treasured, respected, prioritized, adored. I suspected he was using me and marrying me as a means to an end in his custody battleway to get more time with his kids. He didn’t propose, he just told me the kids were “ready” for us to get married. I feel so stupid and so, so ashamed. I can’t even pretend to be surprised, I knew all of it. He never urged me to do anything for myself, even buy a nice
dress for the wedding instead of the cheapest one. My dress was $13… his suit was $500….did I mention I paid for it all, and put the last of my savings on a downpayment for his new truck, while I drive a real clunker? There was , and has been, no mention of a honeymoon, nothing. Not even a wedding night somewhere special. Didn’t I think I deserved more?

All we have done since then is fight. He is sure there is, or has been, another man. Every day he turns something into “proof” of that and accuses me of all manner of nastiness. If I defend myself, he self-righteously claims that’s “proof” too. I want to take a lie detector test but he refuses to participate because his ego can’t handle the idea anyone would find out the lengths I’d have to go to get him to believe me. Also because (I secretly think) once I passed it, he wouldn’t be able to stay mad at me, and he enjoys that too. Because if I am tripping all over myself
defending his accusations against wrong numbers and texts to girlfriends and why I was 5 minutes late, he still has the upper hand, and I am not an equal.

We are in counseling. Already. We had homework, about my feelings. They are still sitting on my dresser three weeks later. He won’t ask to see it or talk about it. It will sit there until I get so embarrassed and hurt that I pretend it’s lost just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore.

The Dr. is running tests in a few weeks to see if I have something seriously wrong….maybe cancer even. It’s not likely, but even so. I just wanted him to hold me. To act upset that something might take me from him. To seem concerned in any
way. Instead he just told me I was probably in menopause and nitpicked me for not staying at the office and having the tests run right then., with my mother there (oh hell no.) There was no kiss, no stroking me, no kindness, no concern. I fell asleep
and dreamed he got upset and said he couldn’t stand the idea of anything happening to me. But it didn’t happen. , really. It won’t. Yesterday he got up and stormed out because I didn’t say “bless you” when he sneezed. But I guess I don’t deserve
his concern and comfort when I’m really scared.

Here it is the next day and all we have done is fight some more. He made a nice dinner and gave me a card, and now he’s insisting I haven’t “tried”. I have tried so hard and nothing’s ever been enough. I am tired of failing with every effort. I “try”
every day. It’s all I think about- how NOT to make him mad. I just want to hear something nice. Something kind and loving. Instead I hear how disrespectful and callous I am for being 5 minutes “late” home from the store or I get ridiculed at a
family gathering for how I am so stupid for flushing a tampon.

I used to be pretty, and smart and a good mom. I had nice things, I drove a nice car and wore pretty clothes. My house was clean. My kids got good grades. I used to have friends and people had nice things to say about me. I liked myself. I believed in myself and I had dreams. I wish sometimes I hadn’t. Maybe if I had never had that I wouldn’t have such a hard time with this, being no one.

Every day is a struggle, nothing I do is ever good enough to matter. I work harder than I ever have, and its not enough to make anyone happy. I am invisible and unappreciated. I literally cannot remember the last time I felt whole. I think
about ending my life all the time, I don’t see any way that this will get better. I can hardly bear the idea of another 20 years of days like these- working and working and working with no one to hold me or love me or appreciate me. No one to ever smile
at me or laugh with me; no one to ever tell me I am special or smart or worthwhile. Just an endless stream of accusations and criticism and cold rejection….right now the only thing that keeps me here is a promise I made my grandfather- and
the thought of someone telling my baby girl that I left her on purpose. So I just go through the motions and I wait and see. I can’t put my kids through another divorce. No one wants to hear that you are in ANOTHER bad marriage. My family knows something’s wrong but they cant handle it and so they are turning a blind eye. I can’t leave. But I don’t know what happens to me if I stay. I am disappearing a little bit every day. At least sometimes in my dreams, he still loves me and I
am still good enough.


loverly said...

Your story is breaking my heart. You don't deserve to feel like this. He is toxic for you, and you're letting him be that way. I know it probably seems like you can't get away from him, you have all these reasons for staying with this man, but what reason is bigger than your and your children's happiness?

Find a way to get out, at this point, counseling is a moot point. He is already destructive, and you don't have to stay and put up with it. You have strength, because you had the strength to write this. It's hard to let your hurts be known, but you did it. Read back to what you wrote. Do you really think you have to deal with this? Especially from a man you married?

Anonymous said...

It doesn't matter if no one wants to hear that you are in another bad marriage. You can and must leave, and your kids will be better off because of it. I'm sure that the return of the person you once were (before your relationship with this man) - the person who felt self-worth and love and hope - is infinitely more precious to them than you dying inside for the sake of shielding them from knowing this marriage didn't work out. Because they will know that whether you stay or go. Don't be afraid to say that the marriage was a mistake. Be willing to accept the fact that failures will occur when you are in pursuit of happiness - being afraid to admit that something didnt work means never making it better. In this case, being good to yourself is what is good for your kids.

Also, a wise dude once said:
Dead is dead and it ain't no different than walking around if you ain't living
Living in fear's just another way of dying before your time

:) I wish you the best.

Lisa said...

Please leave him. You deserve so much better. I know you do because I was you 15 years ago. I am 39 now and not then but the feelings were the same and I want to reach out and tell you that you can and will feel better when you leave!!

Anonymous said...

You aren't leaving your daughter --you will have custody (at least joint). Leave him. Just take the kids and leave. This is mental abuse. There is no trust. There is no love. This is not a marriage. This isn't even roommates. He's a big bully and you do not need to take this.

You HAVE VAlUE. YOU --YES YOU --DESERVE TO BE LOVED. Your self esteem is non-existant and I suspect you are depressed. Please find a therapist for yourself. You need to leave this situation for yourself and your kids. Is this how you want your kids to treat their spouses?

Anonymous said...

My family tried to help my sister, who was in a 2nd marriage that became physically abusive to her and verbally to her kids. She was scared of being divorced twice, of having "failed" in her mind.
We finally convinced her that it didn't matter if she divorced again, it mattered that she and her kids were happy and safe.
She finally divorced and many years later, at 46 has found an amazing man who loves her kids and her unconditionally.

Don't care what other people think about what you do, they aren't living your life. Think about your child!

Anonymous said...

He checks my phone, my internet history, everything is suspect the moment I want a little privacy.

This is a bad sign of worse things to come.

Ask yourself these questions:

Do you realistically expect him to ever act better?

Do you want your children in similar relationships, because this is the "normal" they grew up with?

Do you really want your one shot at time here on Earth to be spent living like this?

Please, please consider the answers to these when deciding your next move.

Anonymous said...

You need to leave. Now. This man is abusive and it won't get better. I don't mean to dismiss your fear of another divorce, of "failing," but it's better than this.

You mentioned your baby girl. Is this what want to model for her? Do you want any of your children to be treated the way you are being treated now?

You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. Please leave him.

Anonymous said...

I have nothing practical to say,
but I could not leave this site without at least just agreeing with everybody.

Please at least believe your kids have worth: If you stay, you will keep paying for stuff for him, and thereby have less to spend on the kids.
Do you want the next car you buy for someone else to be
for him or for your own child??
Maybe your family doesn't want to encourage you to get out, but that doesn't mean they won't help if you tell them definitively that you need to get out.
If they won't help, doesn't mean someone else won't help. But most important: you can help yourself. you can leave (or kick him out, if it is your house?)
Also, Safari (a netbrowser) has a setting (under the word SAFARI) which is for private browsing.
set it to private, browse, and then unset when you are done.
Best of luck in reclaiming your life!

Anonymous said...

You're going through all this pain and abuse, because you can't put your daughter through another divorce or because you care what other's think?

My heart is ripping to shreds with every word I read from this. You are so strong! Yet you REFUSE to put your own health first! Mentally and emotionally. You are even becoming, or have become, ill from this, and yet you go through this abuse everyday. I understand your reasoning behind not wanting to put your little girl through another divorce- the kids come first- but what is your little girl going to do when she realizes that mommy is wasting away emotionally? How long can you really keep this up? and for HEAVEN'S SAKE for CARES if this is your second divorce- your emotional health is at stake! If your family would rather see you unhappy instead of healthy, fulfilled, and prospering- then clearly, your social status takes a higher priority than your health, in their eyes. So which is more important? Staying healthy- emotionally, physically, and spiritually, for yourself and your children? Or wasting away at the hands of this monster! Be STRONG. Your daughter needs you! Show her that people make mistakes- 10% of life are the hurdles that it throws at you, but 90% is how you respond to it.

Please make the right choice. My heart is with you.

Good luck

P.S Please forgive me if this sounded a little harsh, I mean no harm, I only want you to see that you ARE more and DESERVE more, as well.

Lia said...

Oh, honey. You know what you need to do, and you have the strength to do it. Call someone you trust, call a counsellor, and then call a lawyer. Protect yourself.

You deserve better, and if you stand up for yourself, you'll get it.

Having "another bad marriage" is better than a life of unhappiness and regret. Please leave, for yourself and for your kids. We're all thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

You can leave. Please leave.

You know what's worse than putting your kids through another divorce? Putting them through the horror that is your marriage right now.

You have very eloquently convinced a whole bunch of us out here that you need to leave... please read back your own words to yourself and follow your own wisdom.

Anonymous said...

I care, I care quite alot even though we are strangers. I watched my mother suffer this abuse for 10 if you can't leave for yourself...oh please please leave for your daughter. I KNOW you never want her to feel this...ever. And also, from the sound of it your hubby is make a plan and get out w/o confrontation..make it so he can't find you and get a restraining order. there is alot of help out their..just please reach out.

Anonymous said...

Wow - my heart is breaking for you BUT you must get out of this now. And you must learn to love yourself and tell yourself that you matter and that you're beautiful etc. You can't need that from someone else or you'll never really be happy. Don't wait 10 years and get in a bigger hole..get out..

Erin said...

Please, oh please GET OUT NOW. I was once in a relationship very similar to yours and, I don't mean to scare you, but this kind of abuse can turn physical in a heartbeat. Once it turns down that path, it becomes nearly impossible to stop. I did get out, eventually, but the mental and emotional scars I carry with me are permanent. I will never be the same. I got out not because I felt I deserved to be treated better, but because I didn't want my son to grow up thinking this is the way women deserve to be treated. I'm still working on my own self esteem and self worth 5 years later. Please don't do this to yourself. My family wasn't very supportive of me either for a very long time until they finally realized that I was telling them the truth.

It's not worth it to sacrifice yourself over. Please don't sacrifice your life because you want others to believe you have a "normal" life. It will destroy you inside. Please seek counseling on your own. Please get out.

Rachael said...

Nothing that his happening is your fault. You do not deserve to be treated this way. It doesn't matter what you have done or haven't done. Your partner is choosing behavior that is not acceptable and harmful to you, and that's not okay. You absolutely deserve to be treated with respect.

I know it's very hard, but if possible you need to get out of this situation. There are a lot of resources out there.

You ARE good enough. You DO deserve better. You CAN leave, and even though you think it will be bad to put your children through another divorce, it is worse to let them see you be treated so poorly.

I hope that you find peace and happiness in this world.

A said...

I was you. I was you at 20 years old (now 24). He checked my phone, my e-mail, my browsing history, was convinced that I was sleeping with everyone. He took me, my virginity, my first love, and my daughter will be 4 tomorrow. He controlled me to no end. And it did get physical. and it got bad. I wish that I had of left when I first got pregnant with our daughter, but I didn't. After she was born, it got worse. I left him when she was 14 months old. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself and for her.

Men like these are called predators. And the only way to change the situation is to get far, far away. And quickly.

All the best. You can do it.

Anonymous said...

I too was in a relationship like this.

Constantly being accused of cheating, anger, accusations, following me (we lived together!), checking everything I did, completely selfish privately but charming and lovely publicly, controlling.

Guess what?

Cheating and betrayal were going on.

HE was cheating - for YEARS and all through couples counseling. All of the accusations? Deflections and fear.

You and your children need to leave.

Please leave.

B, Esq. said...

Or stay, and teach your kids that your marriage is the "norm"--and you will be ingraining in them that a loveless abusive marriage is acceptable, and then they will grow up to expect to treat their spouse and/or to be treated by their spouse as they saw you and your husband treat each other.

Anonymous said...

The only way you can fail is if you stay.

Anonymous said...

In this country, at one time, women were not allowed to divorce their abusive husband unless they could prove extreme abuse.

In other words, unless a woman was already knocked down by the emotional abuse, and then the early on physical abuse, which may not have taken out any teeth, and THEN they get to the abuse that would qualify before the judge ... let's see, would she have to show scars? fresh bruises? the blood still caked in her hair?

Now, this woman coming before the judge is supposed to have the courage, sense of self, and feeling of self worth that would qualify inside herself to protect her self, to count herself worthy of protection.

But only after she has suffered the abuse you have described here.

You are free to leave this man, no matter what your family says, the neighbors, him, your kids, or a judge.

You are free to leave, because women now have the right to do so.

The thing about freedom is that it cannot be granted, but recognized by the individual. Do your recognize yourself as a free human being?

Elizabeth Cady Stanton wrote in 1875 (your story is not new), when she was fighting for women's rights to vote and divorce, etc,

"there is no other human slavery that knows such depths of degradations as a wife chained to a man whom she neither loves nor respects, no other slavery so disastrous in its consequences on the race, or to the individual respect, growth and development ...."

OP, women have fought long and hard for you. Strangers, women you will never know, in order for you to know that you are free to choose who you will have as friends, boyfriends, husbands.

Please, call a women's help line, a safe place to restore your sense of self. Seek out guidance in your town, there are so many people who will help you.

Anonymous said...

This was written 135 years ago:

To open the doors of escape to those who dwell in continual antagonism, to the unhappy wives of drunkards, libertines, knaves, lunatics and tyrants, need not necessarily embitter the relations of those who are contented and happy, but on the contrary the very fact of freedom strengthens and purifies the bond of union.

When husbands and wives do not own each other as property, but are bound together only by affection, marriage will be a life long friendship and not a heavy yoke, from which both may sometimes long for deliverance. The freer the relations are between human beings, the happier ..." (Sanger, from "Home Life")

OP, we all wish for and want your happiness. We want you happy.

Anonymous said...

Ah sister. Sister, sister, sister. You were brave enough to say it to us. And we won't let you forget it. We care now.

"You have very eloquently convinced a whole bunch of us out here that you need to leave... please read back your own words to yourself and follow your own wisdom.
5:22 AM "

YUP. <3

Anonymous said...

I will pray for you. I wish you the best. Women are stong in general and you have what it takes to leave. You will find it in you. God is with you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you all for your kind words. I am writing this from my parents' guestroom, where we are staying until I can find a place to go.

After not one but three counsleors telling me to GET OUT I still was hoping to heal him. He has a personality disorder and I truly felt, he is ill, I have to stay.....For weeks he had been threatening to leave, nightly, even packing bags and storming out, but never once did he actually GO; so finally I did. Now I am getting all the usual ugliness in the form of how he "is the best man I will ever find, I left so I have thrown him away, he is sick, I am heartless to leave, I obviously couldn't wait to go party with the boyfriend he knew I had all along, one day I will see what I have done," and so on and so forth.

Literally everyone in my life, even HIS FAMILY, have been begging me to get out, for quite a while. I do not want to leave him, still...the relationship has some kind of toxic power over me that I cant seem to break free of....I have finally decided that I actually can do this and deserve more in life than a man who literally sits around drinking beer and playing video games, and attacking me all day every day while I work to support us.

Thank you, anonymous strangers, for caring enough to help me, for reaching out and offering me your support. It means more than I can ever say. I am going to a counselor appointment and then to look at a house today, I am trusting that God has something better planned for me.

Anonymous said...

PLEASE call your local DVIS (Domestic Violence Intervention Services) number and seek immediate help! Not just for you, but for your children. It is far worse for your kids to see you in this relationship and grow up thinking that is "normal", than for you to get out. You need to take the kids and run as fast and as far as you can. This guy is emotionally battering you every second of every minute that you stay. You walk on egg shells and do everything you can to be "perfect", when you can never please him. There will always be something. It is not you who doesn't deserve him, it is he who doesn't deserve you! If you are so beaten down that you can't leave for your own sake, do it for the kids, but for God's sake, do it now!!

Anonymous said...

I posted my comment before reading all the way through. I am glad you found the strength and courage to leave. Please do not buy the ticket for that guilt trip he is trying to sell you! He is sick, but he has to heal himself. You cannot do it for him. May God bless you and your children, family, and friends, and protect you for the rest of your days.