Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Utterly Miserable

Posted by Anonymous.

I'm so sorry, but I'm utterly miserable here.

You have been great this last week, putting on this little act. But I know it'll disappear and you'll be this uncaring, unaffectionate person again that finds fault in every little thing I do. It's happened before and it'll happen again.

We never touch each other anymore, despite my advances. I asked you if you were seeing someone else and you blew me off. Is she at least prettier than I? I am pretty sure you're seeing someone else. You come home from a 4-hour haircut smelling like cheap perfume. You work late but your paycheck doesn't have any overtime on it.
You're also abusive. You've never hit me, this much is true. But you control every penny of our finances and make me feel like a spendthrift for daring to need a new pair of jeans since my old ones fell apart. You get mad when I need things like shampoo or soap and I have to beg for $10 to put gas in the Jeep.

You make me do things in bed that hurt, and I don't like them. You keep forcing them on me, and telling me I'll learn to like it. I don't like it, B, I never have. I've told you that and you keep doing it to me. Why do you degrade me in such a way? I've been a mother to your kids when your exwife was out getting drunk, and I'm the mother of our daughter. Haven't you seen the tears when you're doing this to me? Of course not, the lights are out and you probably don't care.

Thanks to you, B, my self esteem and self-worth are no longer there. I feel like the lowest scum on the planet right now. I cry constantly, I'm a nervous wreck, and I'm not too far from a nervous breakdown.

You're not aware of this, but I've signed a lease on a new apartment. I haven't told you yet because I am scared out of my mind and my heart is breaking. I know this will cripple you financially, and I'm sorry. For what it's worth, half of my income will go for rent. It's the only place I found that isn't in the middle of gang land. I can barely afford it, but at least I know every night won't be an episode of cops.

I hate to see you move back in with your parents, but I have to do this. I hate to do this to our daughter, who will not see you every day now. She adores you so much, she lights up when she sees you. But I know if I gave her over to you before we had a custody agreement in place, you wouldn't give her back to me. At least until everything was finalized, which you've said before you'll drag out as long as you can to spite me in the past.

God, B, I love you so much despite what you've put me through the last 4 years. But I cannot do this anymore. I am so utterly miserable, I hate coming home. Your touch makes me cringe for fear that you're going to do something to me that I don't like.
I love you, B. I love you more than you can ever fathom. But I cannot stay here when I am so utterly miserable that I would sooner die. Which, if I stay, that's what will happen. My soul will die inside and I'll be that Mama that cries all the time and never smiles.

Good-bye, B.


L. said...

You deserve better.

All the best to you.

Cheryl said...

Good for you. You know how they tell you on the airplane that you have to secure your own oxygen mask before your children's? You have to take care of yourself before you can make things better for your daughter. Again: good for you.

carrie said...

Run! Run far and run fast!

Luna said...

You've only got one life to live & I'm sure you never saw yourself living this one. So, girl, get out and don't look back. Live the life you were supposed to live with your daughter. Learn how to respect yourself again & find happiness within yourself.
I believe you can do it, because I believe you are a strong person. I believe deep down you know your worth and that's why you've made this decision. If you truly thought you were scum, you'd still be taking this sitting down.

I made this move three years ago... And although it was hard, rent was 1/2 my paycheck, and at times I wasn't sure how I was going to eat, I was happy. More importantly, I can look in the mirror and see someone that has a future.

Anonymous said...

Blessings to you. It will seem impossibly hard, but you can do this. For yourself, for your child. Leave before your daughter starts to think that the way your husband treats you is OK, and she repeats the cycle in her own choices. You can do this!

Anonymous said...

Save yourself first so you can save your daughter. It's the airplane oxygen mask analogy--you put the air on yourself, first.

Hang in there. Be proud of your loving, broken, torn, tired, heart, and the courage you are finding to do what is right for everyone.

Anonymous said...

I am so proud of you, you are being so strong and doing the best thing for you and your daughter. You need to love and value yourself again, to regain the part of you that he took away.

I am so sorry for your pain, but I see light in your future, not the darkness you would have had with him.

My thoughts are with you.

Gina said...

Good for you, for making a move to get away. He is definitely abusive and one kind of abuse can lead to another. If you stay, it will only get worse for you and your daughter. I know it;s hard,m but you can do it!

Jaden Paige said...

SO BRAVE!!! Follow through, don't let him talk you out of it... This will be the best thing for you and your daughter. You are so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for here. My thoughts are with you! *hugs*

Anonymous said...

If you find yourself weakening or giving in to him, please reread these posts until you are stong again.

Also, please somehow, get yourself some counseling. You are going to need to find out why you still love this man who does horrible things to you.

My prayers will be with you and your daughter.

Anonymous said...

That's not love that you feel for this person. It is addiction to habit, and fear of change, and it is what happens to abused women. Make no mistake, it is not love.

Congratulations for making steps to change your life. You are strong. Stay strong. You will all be better off for it.

Anonymous said...

Anon at 3:53 is right, this isn't love, I know, a year ago I could have written this letter. The whole thing.

He may have never hit you, but he is abusive. You're starting to feel scared more often arn't you? Doing almost anything to avoid arguments because it's just not worth it, not worth being screamed at for hours and hours, and he's becoming more and more irrational during them. Has he started throwing things yet? If he has, he isn't that far from pushing you, grabbing you by the throat, and hitting you. You already know he doesn't care if he hurts you.

He WILL continue to try to control you and when he feels that control slipping chances are good that he'll become very dangerous. If I were you, I wouldn't tell him about the apartment until you have the keys and can run with your daughter there if you have to, and definately don't tell him the address, ever if you can manage it. (Unless you want him on your doorstep at 2 a.m. screaming at you and waking up your daughter. You know he'll do it.)

He's already threatened to take your daughter from you, hasn't he? Let that piss you off. How fucking dare he!

When you're tempted to feel sorry for him, remind yourself of all the shitty things he's done to you. Write a list to re-read when he starts with the sweet-talk. (My list is three pages long, see if you can make yours longer!) Remember that the "good" times don't last longer than a week, and then the real him comes home for months.

DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM. He did this to himself. He could have been a decent, stand-up guy. He CHOSE everyday to treat you like shit. (You are NOT shit!) No matter what he says, you tried, and then you tried something else, and then tried all of it all over again. It isn't your fault. It's HIS.

(I actually think it's funny he'll have to move back in with his parents, my ex has been living in his sisters basement since I kicked him out last Dec. Matching pair of losers.)

Oh, and I think you may be pleasantly surprised that even with half of your paycheck going to rent, you have a lot more money than you thought you would. I was amazed at how much better I was doing financially when my money wasn't subsidizing his lifestyle anymore.

Good luck sunshine, be safe, be strong, and while doing this for your daughters future is a great reason, do it for YOURSELF first. Because you MATTER, you matter to your friends, you matter to your family, and you matter to me.

And get PISSED, who the fuck does he think he is?

Anonymous said...

Good for you. Be yourself. You are worth having a good and true life, and don't EVER let anybody make you feel otherwise.

Anonymous said...

I know it must have been very hard to come to this decision and you must still feel some doubts, but you are doing the right thing for both you and your daughter. You deserve to feel safe and happy and loved.

Anonymous said...

Men like B are skilled in making you pity them.

I promise -- once you leave, your pity will vanish. And one day, you will feel anger instead, and that will keep you going. At some point, you will put the anger aside and move on.

I dated a B for nearly four years. He faked a suicide attempt and worked the sympathy card like a pro. Think of your daughter. She may adore him now. But eventually, she will see the way he treats you and it will lower her expectations when it comes to her own future relationships with men. Don't do that to her.

Good for you for leaving. I did it and have never looked back. You can do this.

Anonymous said...

Omigod, good luck, good luck, stay strong, good luck. Please tell me you have a cell phone and a safe place for you and your daughter if he comes after you. I'm praying for your safety.

Anonymous said...

Please don't wait. I did and it didn't get better. Know that better days are ahead of you.

Anonymous said...

"We never touch each other anymore, despite my advances."

"You make me do things in bed that hurt, and I don't like them. You keep forcing them on me, and telling me I'll learn to like it. I don't like it, B, I never have. I've told you that and you keep doing it to me. Why do you degrade me in such a way?"

So which is it?