Even as I write this I don't know if I will post it. How can I put this out there amidst these beautiful blogs written eloquently and with style. Once upon a time I wanted to be a writer. I think, just because I loved to read so much. Then I had children and they sucked out my brain. I don't know who I am or what I am doing anymore.
How did I get from there to here? A little girl with dreams and ambitions, thinking I could conquer the world. Now reduced to picking Chihuahua poop off of the floor, because my daughter moved 600 miles away and left her "Christmas gift" from her ex-boyfriend with me. She is living the life I wanted and dreamed of while I break my back to pay off the 4,000 I had to borrow from the bank to get her out of jail because she was rebellious and was with the people I told her not to be with. Now the charges have been dropped and she moves on, but I'm left holding the debt.
I'm left picking up the pieces of a marriage and a household that has been through more traumatic events in the past year than most people face in a lifetime.
My grandmother dying of cervical cancer.
A month later my 17 year old daughter being arrested and facing 20 years in prison just 2 days after my twentieth wedding anniversary. We were supposed to go do something fun, because we had never had a wedding or a honeymoon, but instead we spend all our money bailing her out of jail, so she won't get put in general population with who knows what. Then she has the balls to sneak out of the house the next night, and I fight her for the next three months before she meets the man of her (and my) dreams and she moves out of the house. Thank God for C. He changed her life for the better!!!!!!
Three months after she moves out my husband has a mid-life crisis and quits his job of 11 years. A good job with insurance and retirement and decent pay. He gives up 10 days of twelves with six days off in between to be a truck driver spending a month away from home at a time. He then spends the next four months quitting and going back. Not brining home any income. We're talking 1,500 in ten months. In the meantime all of his 401 k money is used up on monthly bills, because he can't make up his mind what he wants to do and I'm jealous, because I wanted to run away and he beat me to it.
I find out 2 days before graduation that my daughter is actually going to get to graduate by the skin of her teeth, because she could not find it in her to get up and go to school That was a fight all freaking year. I'm exhausted, but it's over.
Then in June the elementary school gets a new principal who wants to hold my 12 year old dyslexic son back and make him repeat the 6th grade. Everyone else will be gong to junior high and we will be stuck with the idiot math and science teacher that we have had for the past two years and were counting the days until we could get away from them. My son already asks me why he is stupid. We fought for 2 years with this math teacher. He threw up almost every morning last year before her class and I can't go through that again. We are still fighting that battle and school starts in 3 weeks. Wish us luck. But I'm tired.
Now, all the 401k money is gone and my husband has not given me money.... ever. I only make 2,000 doing a job I never really thought I would be doing and our bills are 4,000 a month. Now my house and my business are on the line and it is not looking good. He has never helped me with anything anyway, so I don't know why I'm still married, except that I do care for him. God only knows why. He's great at holding the couch down when he's home, and that's about it. Oh yeah, and he calls Me the day after I tell him we are probably going to lose the house and tells me he backed into someone in his semi and we now have to pay a 210 fine. Like we have any money.
Then my 21 year old son gets pulled over a block from my house and gets a DWI and spends the night in jail. My friend the dispatcher calls me from the sheriff's office so I can walk the block to my pickup and drive it home, but I can't hear the phone in the bedroom at 2 in the morning so they tow it thirty miles and we have to pay 230 dollars to get it out of impound because it's the only vehichle we have running because my van broke down and I can't afford to have it fixed BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS A DOUCHE.
The next day a classmate I graduated with was driving drunk and killed himself and a family of four in a horrific head on collision, and I thank God it was not my son. I pray for his mother who is a customer of mine, his sisters who are friends of mine and for the family of the people he killed.
I'm a good person. I am very sweet and loving, which could be part of the problem. How did I get here? How did I make the transition rom being a bright girl with her whole life before her to being 38 and sitting in the middle of all this funk? I am now officialy white trash. Two of my children have been arrested. What the hell? Where did it all go wrong? I think I need to grow a spine. Can I borrow one, because I damn sure can't afford to buy one.