Wednesday, February 09, 2011

How Did I Get From There To Here?

Posted by Anonymous.

Even as I write this I don't know if I will post it. How can I put this out there amidst these beautiful blogs written eloquently and with style. Once upon a time I wanted to be a writer. I think, just because I loved to read so much. Then I had children and they sucked out my brain. I don't know who I am or what I am doing anymore.

How did I get from there to here? A little girl with dreams and ambitions, thinking I could conquer the world. Now reduced to picking Chihuahua poop off of the floor, because my daughter moved 600 miles away and left her "Christmas gift" from her ex-boyfriend with me. She is living the life I wanted and dreamed of while I break my back to pay off the 4,000 I had to borrow from the bank to get her out of jail because she was rebellious and was with the people I told her not to be with. Now the charges have been dropped and she moves on, but I'm left holding the debt.

I'm left picking up the pieces of a marriage and a household that has been through more traumatic events in the past year than most people face in a lifetime.

My grandmother dying of cervical cancer.

A month later my 17 year old daughter being arrested and facing 20 years in prison just 2 days after my twentieth wedding anniversary. We were supposed to go do something fun, because we had never had a wedding or a honeymoon, but instead we spend all our money bailing her out of jail, so she won't get put in general population with who knows what. Then she has the balls to sneak out of the house the next night, and I fight her for the next three months before she meets the man of her (and my) dreams and she moves out of the house. Thank God for C. He changed her life for the better!!!!!!

Three months after she moves out my husband has a mid-life crisis and quits his job of 11 years. A good job with insurance and retirement and decent pay. He gives up 10 days of twelves with six days off in between to be a truck driver spending a month away from home at a time. He then spends the next four months quitting and going back. Not brining home any income. We're talking 1,500 in ten months. In the meantime all of his 401 k money is used up on monthly bills, because he can't make up his mind what he wants to do and I'm jealous, because I wanted to run away and he beat me to it.

I find out 2 days before graduation that my daughter is actually going to get to graduate by the skin of her teeth, because she could not find it in her to get up and go to school That was a fight all freaking year. I'm exhausted, but it's over.

Then in June the elementary school gets a new principal who wants to hold my 12 year old dyslexic son back and make him repeat the 6th grade. Everyone else will be gong to junior high and we will be stuck with the idiot math and science teacher that we have had for the past two years and were counting the days until we could get away from them. My son already asks me why he is stupid. We fought for 2 years with this math teacher. He threw up almost every morning last year before her class and I can't go through that again. We are still fighting that battle and school starts in 3 weeks. Wish us luck. But I'm tired.

Now, all the 401k money is gone and my husband has not given me money.... ever. I only make 2,000 doing a job I never really thought I would be doing and our bills are 4,000 a month. Now my house and my business are on the line and it is not looking good. He has never helped me with anything anyway, so I don't know why I'm still married, except that I do care for him. God only knows why. He's great at holding the couch down when he's home, and that's about it. Oh yeah, and he calls Me the day after I tell him we are probably going to lose the house and tells me he backed into someone in his semi and we now have to pay a 210 fine. Like we have any money.
Then my 21 year old son gets pulled over a block from my house and gets a DWI and spends the night in jail. My friend the dispatcher calls me from the sheriff's office so I can walk the block to my pickup and drive it home, but I can't hear the phone in the bedroom at 2 in the morning so they tow it thirty miles and we have to pay 230 dollars to get it out of impound because it's the only vehichle we have running because my van broke down and I can't afford to have it fixed BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS A DOUCHE.

The next day a classmate I graduated with was driving drunk and killed himself and a family of four in a horrific head on collision, and I thank God it was not my son. I pray for his mother who is a customer of mine, his sisters who are friends of mine and for the family of the people he killed.

I'm a good person. I am very sweet and loving, which could be part of the problem. How did I get here? How did I make the transition rom being a bright girl with her whole life before her to being 38 and sitting in the middle of all this funk? I am now officialy white trash. Two of my children have been arrested. What the hell? Where did it all go wrong? I think I need to grow a spine. Can I borrow one, because I damn sure can't afford to buy one.


Anonymous said...

"Discontent is the first step in the progress of a (wo)man or a nation." - apologies to Oscar Wilde.

You are only trapped because you think you are trapped. Get out and get on with your life. You write very well!

Anonymous said...

I agree with the first commenter. You deserve better than this! The only person you owe anything to at this point is your 12 year-old...the others should be free to mess-up/fix-up their lives as they see fit. Let them learn to take responsibility and don't fix things for them anymore.

And, you do write very well. Use your talents.

Anonymous said...

Ah sweetheart, I'm sorry it is all going horribly wrong for you, your children are taking you for granted, seems like your husband is too. Your daughter should pay you the 4k, make her do t even at 10 a month, she will not learn that there are consequences to her actions unless you teach her, similarly your son should pay the impound fine. Your kids are old enough to bear responsibility for their actions, but they won't do that if Mommy keeps cleaning up after them.

I'm not blaming you, I hope that's not how it comes across. Hang in there for your little guy, he needs you. Fight for his rights, show him that you will take on the school, the teacher, whoever needs to be taken on for him.

Good luck babe, I hope things ease up for you xx

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the road to white trashdom is short and without viable detours. At least that's what I'm telling myself now that I'm here too. I have a college degree, was well respected in my professional field from which I managed to retire early, and yet? My daughter, the sunshine of my life has married an ex-con who is taking her and my grandchildren straight to hell in a handbasket. Like you, I look up amazed! How? But what's done is done. You have amazing skills, and a young one yet to fight for. Don't lose energy fighting with the others.

Anonymous said...

you can't be white trash. You'd have physically beaten the crap out of everyone in your family by now. hugs!

Anonymous said...

You've been through some really rough times. But now is the time to say "enough." The 2 older kids need to pay their own way --and that includes paying you back. Just because they made some mistakes, does not make you a bad mother, nor does it make you white trash. They have a lot of years left to turn their lives around --and so do you.

Right now you need to focus on your son and your business. Find a reputable credit counselor and see what you can work out. Talk to the bank -- if they haven't forclosed yet, talk to them about what you can do. Give hubby a choice --get a job --any job and stay with it or it's divorce. He needs to be responsible and not expect you to pick up the pieces. And since it appears to be a midlife crisis, find your local socal services program and ask about getting him some free counseling. Sounds like depression or something else is going on as well.

You and the 12 year old need to stick together. Consider summer school, schools of choice or even talk to your local private school about a scholarship for your son to give him a chance to succeed. If you do lose the house, look for your next apt/home to be in another school district or another middle school's area. Does he have an IEP? If not, go to the school and ask for one --or if he has one, review it and try to get him more help.

Finally, your anger and frustration and depression are reasonable, given the circumstances. Grab those bootstraps --and at a minimum watch out for yourself and your son first and foremost. Trust me --I have been there. You CAN do this.

Rebekah said...

You're a great writer. Keep writing.

Anonymous said...

Anon at 6:54a--you are great.

Poster--solutions abound and the support you found here is tenfold if you take some of 6:54's advice.

Be well.