Friday, February 18, 2011

How Did We Get Here?

Posted by Anonymous.

I honestly don't know how it came to this, but deep down inside I always knew this day would come. When I first met you, I couldn't stand you after seeing you every day and I broke it off. A month later I remember driving down the freeway from my friend's house and passing the exit to get off for your work. I called you, and because your such a sweetheart you called me back and agreed to meet.

The minute I saw you that Thursday, February 2nd I then understood how they described love at first sight, but in this case, I had already seen you. But the notion of love at first sight still applied at that point. I remember you took me out to my favorite deli, and we sat in the back of my car and I was in tears because I knew I loved you, and it took some convincing but you agreed to give me that one chance. We spent the rest of the afternoon and night in the back of your mother's jeep (you had crashed and totaled your car) sharing the most passionate kisses I've ever experienced. I wasted no time in hinting I wanted you for mine, and you asked me, and I said yes.

But yet we've grown so much since then in the 2 and a half years (exactly yesterday) we've been together. We've loved and fought , moved out together and through hard times you had to move in with my parents and me . I can't help but feel responsible for the pain and rejection they give you...but I've always loved you for doing it for me, just so that I can survive in this hell hole. All the memories you've given me, I couldn't have asked for such a turn around in my life the minute I said yes to your question. You've supported me ever since I've been financially unstable. You've comforted me in the worst of times in the worst of my depression spells. You stand up for me even though I never gave you enough credit when you did, and even when i always got mad at you for not doing it enough. You fit me like the piece of the puzzle that has always been missing.

I am bipolar. I was molested for many years in my life by my real father, and my brain dealt with the trauma by blocking it out, so I only figured out why I'm so damaged by the time I was 16, and a year later I met you . I'm sorry I'm so damaged, I'm socially awkward, I have manic episodes and depression spells, and like I mentioned earlier, I knew eventually your patience and kindness would wear out, and it did. We've fought so hard and sometimes every day for a week or two , but this is different. When you left me that letter on the screen of my laptop last night, I flew outside and by that time you were gone, and I felt empty, like this time might be THE time it's over.

I've always been of the opinion that once you hit rock bottom there's only one way out, and that's up. Every time it gets bad it gets longer before it gets like that again. I was silly to believe anyone could bear the fighting and still come out kicking to save "us". I've always told you I'd fight until I was dead to make things right, and when I was driving you home after you agreed to come back to talk, I told you I wouldn't be able to sleep at all because after a fight I need to lay in your arms while you kiss my forehead and we soak up each other's forgiveness and apologies. You told me to wait in the car when we got to your grandma's house, and I waited for 10 min while you brought all your stuff from my house into your old room. You came out and got me and brought me into your room, and turned the lights off. You lay me down, and said " well you did tell me that you like me to hold you after a fight..." and I almost burst into tears that that was some sort of sign that you might just still want to make it work.

I am 20 years old now. I've been with you for 2 and a half years and yesterday was the day it was exactly that much time. But what did we do? We got into the biggest fight we've been in, in over a year. We didn't even realize what day it was. How did we get here? How can we both have tried so hard yet it came to this? Last year we made plans to get married, we even went to the department to get a marriage license, but you forgot your wallet. We were going to go back, but I would lose my insurance if I tied the knot with you, so we decided to wait. Would you have given me more chances if we had married? Sometimes I wonder about that, wonder about how a relationship is so incredible but while the light of the candle is dying, some people just decide to put it out. I decide to dig into the wax to make a longer wick for the fire to burn more brightly.

I love you .


Anonymous said...

I know you are hurting and raw from this. But you are young, and need to make yourself whole before you can succeed with this, or any other, relationship. You pointed to a history of abuse and are struggling with depression. These are treatable, and my humble opinion is that you should seek this support before you commit yourself to any relationship. It sounds like your partner would support that approach, and you could bring yourself fully to this (or other) relationships. Please see some help and healing for yourself first.

Anonymous said...

Yare 20, bi-polar and a sexual abuse survivor. You have a lot on your plate already and it sounds like he's not totally sure about getting married. If it's real love, it will be there in 5 years or so. I suggest spending some time getting to know who you are and understanding your bi-polar disorder before you commit to a lifelong partnership. (I have anxiety and depression myself, so I have a small idea of how your mental health can impact your life.) If it's meant to be, it will be. There's an awful lot of fighting in your relationship; maybe that's because you both have your own private things to work out yet. There's nothing to say you can't date or even be engaged for a long time - and honestly, at 20 it's rare to know what you want or need out of life and a partner. Please take some time and focus on you. You're worth it!

Anonymous said...

First of all, it took some "convincing"? That should have been a warning sign to begin with. Then he "forgot his wallet"? Come on.

You're young with a lot to deal with already. Give it time and space. He obviously can't or won't handle this big of a commitment. Deal with you. Make YOU okay, then go for a relationship. It's better -- trust me.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I've been in a situation like this myself and let me tell you its torture. I was in love with someone who was always there for me, supporting me and doing everything for me but he was emotionally abusing me and I didn't even know.

He didn't want to get married, didn't want to have kids and I knew for years yet stuck around.

You are so young and have so many opportunities to meet someone amazing. It happened to me, at 23 I finally met the man of my dreams and he never makes me feel like I am less than perfect. Every woman deserves that.

Anonymous said...

The Hoffman helped me deal with a shame so deep - a shame that only sexual abuse survivors know...this is bigger than you. Check it out.

Much love to are perfect just the way you are.