Friday, February 02, 2007

Where Do I Go From Here?

Posted by Anonymous. If you'd like to share a post here, anonymously or otherwise, e-mail Her Bad Mother at


Being anonymous is something I covet. Everywhere I go I'm someone's mother or daughter or even thought of still as someone's wife. The internet, most times, affords me the opportunity to let loose and if met with resistance, simply press 'delete.' It would be simply magnificent if life had a backspace, delete or reload button.

I digress.

I've been accused of overanalyzing and over thinking, although that is my nature. It makes me who I am. It's why therapy is a good value for me. I cut right to the chase, no time needed to get acquainted or beat around the bush. I need to sort things out, like a two year old. Each thought or person in its place with things just like it in one way or another. Neatly compacted and easily identifiable - that's the way I like things.

Too bad I'm shit out of luck on that.

Entwined in what I would call a new relationship, I find myself not really certain of what I want or what I'm even looking for. And letting things happen as they may, well, doesn't really sit well with the massive obsessive planner part of my brain, but I'm working on it.

When you meet someone new, be it friend or lover, you are bound to find out things about yourself in the process. I have found that I am very set in my ways, and am not really looking to change them significantly. I'm not looking to have someone help me raise my children, I'm not looking for a hand-out, or a savior. I'm also not looking for someone else to raise, I have kids. I'm not looking for someone to train, I have dogs. I've always maintained that I would need and want someone who fits into the life I've built...and now I know that to be true, because I've met someone very nice and I'm not sure that he does.

Which makes me think I'm a snob, because rich or poor, it's nice to have money. And I have none for so long, then I had a lot, then I had none again, and now I'm just fine and in line for always being OK. And I like the lifestyle that I've grown accustomed to. I don't, by any stretch, live a five-star lifestyle...every day...and I know that material possessions do not inherently bring happiness.

Except for Coach purses.

But truthfully, it's not all about money. It's about lifestyle and expectations for oneself and one's children. It's perception of self and others and yes, even perception of money.

Then I think I'm not fair because I've had an adult lifetime of extraordinary experiences that have shaped me. I can't expect everyone to have had those. But it's important to share some fundamental similarities with people you're close to. I do not believe that opposites attract, at least in the long term.

The reason for this post is because I do like this man...but to me our differences are glaring and he doesn't see them at all. I enjoy my time with him, although it has been very limited and also very much the same every time. That is due to time and financial constraints which is attributable to both of us. But I wonder if with our wagons full of different ideas and expectations, if there is the potential for more than just pleasantries and burgers.

I've said that I need to take it slow, I've cited our differences, and that I don't know where this will go, if anywhere. For now, status quo is the road we are on.

But when I think about my future, I know I do not want to be alone. My kids will grow up and move on and out and up and here I'll be twiddling my thumbs, blogging? I want to share my life with someone and I want to give this guy a chance. But those differences I mentioned, which also include our children who are more than ten years apart in age, just stick out to me.

I know you're thinking to take it a day or a date at a time. And I'm trying. I swear I am. But I'm also trying to figure out, because of all this, what is really important to me, what I need and what I want...out of life and out of a relationship and out of myself when it all boils down.

And since for some strange reason I told this man about my blog, I can't write about him there. I have nothing awful to say, but I don't think it's fair to search my heart and soul so openly and have him read responses that are about me, or him.

So I'm hoping he doesn't know about The Basement.


Anonymous said...

There are differences and then there are differences.

If you have a strong need for freedom and variety, and he has a strong need for stability, that's a problematic difference.

If you are happiest when you are socializing constantly with large groups of people, and he likes to spend all his time alone, that may be negotiable, but it'll make things hard.

Other kinds of differences - the kind that don't have a significant impact on daily life - might not matter so much. The age of your children, the amount of money you each make: those aren't really the kind of fundamental personality differences that are a make-or-break.

But if these things are bothering you, maybe it's a sign that you just don't really like him all that much. And in that case, I'd say hold out for the real thing.

Anonymous said...

There's also such a thing as OVER analyzing. I understand the need for things to fit into nice neat packages... but sometimes it's fun to be messy too.

Like the previous post, you need to figure out the differences, and how imporant they are. It's like picking your battles with a toddler. What's REALLY important? What's a deal-breaker, and what's liveable?

All relationships have some parts that aren't so great, but sometimes you can live with them, others you can't.

I think you're the only one who can make that decision--good luck with it!

Anonymous said...

I feel the precise way that you do. And the only reason I comment anonymously is because my soon to be ex-bastard of a husband still enjoys stalking me all over blogspot. One false move, er..bloggy comment, and he's being even harder to divorce.

But here's the thing: I'm sick of being quasi divorced. I'm sick of still being legally married and not able to even get the thrill of heart when even a potential suitor comes my way. I'm sick of not having sex. Seriously. Cranky.

And then, today, this guy who's cute appears and I think his big blue eyes and graying hair are so sexy, and I allow myself a daydream. (of sex) And then I see my kids and know that no casual relationship can ever materialize before their eyes. I wonder if I would even enjoy the reality of a new relationship, or if I would just get scared and shut down completely. It's a quandary.

I too have gotten used to middle class life. I grew up with no money, grew with my spouse until he had a great deal of money, have suffered at the hands of his financial douche-baggery, and now am trying to approach even. I've gotten in sync with living solo, and I don't even know if I know how to make room for someone else.

Wishing you good luck, and may our blogs cross! (secretly, of course!)

Anonymous said...

What anonymous #1 said - REALLY try to work out what's worth staying for, and what really invites abandoning. All relationships have their imperfections. The key is to know what imperfections you can live with - if you can't live with these, well, then, there's your answer.

I know that it's not that easy. Best of luck to you. Will you update us on what you decide to do, whenever that happens?

Anonymous said...

Keep it casual. My mother once gave me these words, and I have held them close ever since:

"If you cannot say 'Yes' with your whole heart, do not say 'yes' at all."

This doesn't mean 'run screaming from anything that doesn't make you leap with joy,' just that, if you have reservations, keep it simple and easy. There is always time. Don't feel you have to rush.

Anonymous said...

I don't think you sound like a snob, I think you sound discerning - something none of us can afford NOT to be. If you have these doubts about "long-term," TRUST YOUR INSTINCT. Keep writing in the basement if you face criticism for your choices. It's uncouth to say that financial differences make a difference, but THEY DO, to some (myself included.) Frankly, I never realized that I expected and WANTED the wealth I had growing up, and exepcted, WANTED to stay home to raise my kids, until it was too late. Fortunately, I'm marreid to a wonderful man - I would never leave him over our financial woes; would never do that to my children. But, I do think about what might have been had I been honest and thought things out better before marriage.

You have that chance, now. And if you don't believe in the longevity of the relationship, for whatever reason at all, w/ kids, it's better to move on, in my opinion.

Some people will think you are a bitch, but I - an anonymous commenter - will not (for whatever that's worth!)
And it's far better hurting someone now, than several later.

As for fear of being alone - you'll never know who/what lies ahead until you are free to welcome it.

Relationships and marriage are more than love and ideals, in my opinion. We should look at them w/ half the business-sense we do when purchasing a home!

Best wishes.