Posted by Anonymous. If you'd like to share a post here, anonymously or otherwise, e-mail Her Bad Mother at firstname.lastname@example.org...
Being anonymous is something I covet. Everywhere I go I'm someone's mother or daughter or even thought of still as someone's wife. The internet, most times, affords me the opportunity to let loose and if met with resistance, simply press 'delete.' It would be simply magnificent if life had a backspace, delete or reload button.
I've been accused of overanalyzing and over thinking, although that is my nature. It makes me who I am. It's why therapy is a good value for me. I cut right to the chase, no time needed to get acquainted or beat around the bush. I need to sort things out, like a two year old. Each thought or person in its place with things just like it in one way or another. Neatly compacted and easily identifiable - that's the way I like things.
Too bad I'm shit out of luck on that.
Entwined in what I would call a new relationship, I find myself not really certain of what I want or what I'm even looking for. And letting things happen as they may, well, doesn't really sit well with the massive obsessive planner part of my brain, but I'm working on it.
When you meet someone new, be it friend or lover, you are bound to find out things about yourself in the process. I have found that I am very set in my ways, and am not really looking to change them significantly. I'm not looking to have someone help me raise my children, I'm not looking for a hand-out, or a savior. I'm also not looking for someone else to raise, I have kids. I'm not looking for someone to train, I have dogs. I've always maintained that I would need and want someone who fits into the life I've built...and now I know that to be true, because I've met someone very nice and I'm not sure that he does.
Which makes me think I'm a snob, because rich or poor, it's nice to have money. And I have none for so long, then I had a lot, then I had none again, and now I'm just fine and in line for always being OK. And I like the lifestyle that I've grown accustomed to. I don't, by any stretch, live a five-star lifestyle...every day...and I know that material possessions do not inherently bring happiness.
Except for Coach purses.
But truthfully, it's not all about money. It's about lifestyle and expectations for oneself and one's children. It's perception of self and others and yes, even perception of money.
Then I think I'm not fair because I've had an adult lifetime of extraordinary experiences that have shaped me. I can't expect everyone to have had those. But it's important to share some fundamental similarities with people you're close to. I do not believe that opposites attract, at least in the long term.
The reason for this post is because I do like this man...but to me our differences are glaring and he doesn't see them at all. I enjoy my time with him, although it has been very limited and also very much the same every time. That is due to time and financial constraints which is attributable to both of us. But I wonder if with our wagons full of different ideas and expectations, if there is the potential for more than just pleasantries and burgers.
I've said that I need to take it slow, I've cited our differences, and that I don't know where this will go, if anywhere. For now, status quo is the road we are on.
But when I think about my future, I know I do not want to be alone. My kids will grow up and move on and out and up and here I'll be twiddling my thumbs, blogging? I want to share my life with someone and I want to give this guy a chance. But those differences I mentioned, which also include our children who are more than ten years apart in age, just stick out to me.
I know you're thinking to take it a day or a date at a time. And I'm trying. I swear I am. But I'm also trying to figure out, because of all this, what is really important to me, what I need and what I want...out of life and out of a relationship and out of myself when it all boils down.
And since for some strange reason I told this man about my blog, I can't write about him there. I have nothing awful to say, but I don't think it's fair to search my heart and soul so openly and have him read responses that are about me, or him.
So I'm hoping he doesn't know about The Basement.