Monday, April 30, 2007

The Darkness Calls Me Every Night

Posted by Anonymous.


I am wishing and hoping to succumb to the darkness. I wish for and pray that it will take me in my sleep. I only wish that it will happen soon. I need someserious help and my only hope is that it comes in theform of death. I pray for the lord to take me every night.

I have a problem and much of it is my fault. Many years ago at the age of ten I was molested by a man who was my mother's boyfriend. My mother got pregnant by this man and had a little boy named Jason. He was such a great boy and I ended up raising him. This man named Adam, my molester, would call and tell me that if I did not put my mother on the phone he would tell her "what I did". I was so scared as a child!

I am now a mother of two small children. I recently contacted my molester and he has had no contact with his child, Jason. He begged me and preyed upon me to convince my mother (who I have no contact with) to tell her what a great person he was and I should allow him to have contact with his own son. I felt some kind of remorse and called upon my mother to have a small amount of regret for her shortcomings! I told her that I lied about Adam molesting me and she should allow her son to contact his father. She was an absolute hateful and disgusting person in my life...but I wanted my brother to know his own father. Well, guess what? My mother and Adam decided to get together and tell my little brother that I was a piece of shit and that I lied my whole life about Adam molesting me! So they both came up with the following story: I accused Adam of molesting me and I was a liar... my mother said that she could not in good conscience tell her son that his father was a child molester! But, know that she knew I lie yet, she felt like she had an obligation to tell him the "truth;" IE his father was a child molester.

So, now Adam, my molester, is in contact with his son. Now my brother hates me because he thinks that I kept him from his father for all these years. I know the truth! I remember when he tried to stick his dick in me when I was ten. I remember when he tried to fuck me in a garage! When he tried to hold my hand when my stupid mother was in the same room. When she forced me to go with him in his Nova (car). I hated it. I hated them all. I was a terrible child because of this and thus was seriously hated by everyone in my family. My sisters (I have two) and my brothers, Jason and a little guy named Cameron. They all now HATE ME! They think I am the cause of everything that has ever gone wrong in their lives.

I am a very successful and educated person. I have two degrees and am working on my third degree. No one in my family is accomplished. However, it really doesn't come down to that... they so hate me. I am the most hated person it the world and it hurts so bad. My little children ages 4 and 6 have a grandmother who hates their guts. I am not a very tolerant person and I have to admit that I fueled the fire in these people because I think they deserve to be humiliated like I have! I have called them nasty names and told them about the secrets that they harbor. I know that is wrong but I can't forgive them. I feel like I need to punish both my mother (for some many things not explained here) and Adam for molesting me as a little girl.

How come I can't get over this? What am I missing? I have tried to put a bullet in my head to just stop this all... I missed... a very very sorry mistake on my part! I would miss my children terribly, but, I would not feel remorse for me not being in their lives. I am not a good person and I know that. At this stage I am depending on alcohol to get me through my nights. I am now a serious alcoholic. I can not risk treatment for fear of them taking my children away. I only drink at night when my children are asleep... yeah I know not an excuse but a way of acknowledging that I am not hurting them! I am so fucked up that I can not even think! I just want to kill myself because of this asshole! How the fuck can I get over this?

Please anyone who has been in my situation please help me. I want to bury this man but I can't ~ How can I execute revenge and feel good? I need him to suffer like I did! At this point the only people who are suffering are my husband and myself! I want REVENGE!! Please advise! If I do not get revenge I am fearful of what may happen to myself!

**********
Note from HBM:

For Anonymous, and anyone who is living through this kind of pain: please, please, please find someone to talk to - a counsellor, a doctor, a religious advisor, anyone. We'll give you all of the help that we can here, but please find some support offline, as well.
Some resources, as a start:


Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network
RAINN Crisis Centres
Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse, Support Groups
Darkness To Light - Resources for Sexual Abuse Victims

National (US) Helpline for Resources/Info/Support for Victims of Sexual Abuse: 1-866-FOR-LIGHT (367-5444)

(Anyone know of other good resources? Please leave them in comments.)

Dear Anonymous, we're right here, holding your hand. Please do whatever you can to find even more hands.

xo, Catherine/HBM

64 comments:

Anonymous said...

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You didn't do anything to "deserve" to be molested, or to "deserve" to have such a terrible mother who abdicated her responsibility to protect you. You were physically and emotionally abused by some evil people (and yes, I am putting your mother in that category!), and all of that has taught you - erroneously - that you're not worth anything else.

Personally, I wish I could get a gun and go shoot the bastard for you (hey, I live in Texas; we're comfortable with such things). However, unfortunately, that's not going to work here. It would be WONDERFUL to get revenge on this guy...but that's not going to make you feel much better. I know it seems like the perfect solution, but trust me - even if you could find the perfect revenge, you would not find the satisfaction and peace you're looking for.

Please, please, PLEASE take the advice to get therapy. If your mother and stepfather had beaten you so badly that your leg was twisted, you'd go to a doctor to get that fixed. They have beaten your mind and your spirit badly, and you NEED professional help to deal with it.

I think what you've accomplished in your life has been amazing. Degrees, marriage, children - WOW! You clearly must have been amazingly strong to get to where you are. But NOBODY can deal with what you're going through without help. Especially now that you have children of your own and you're beginning to realize just how much your mother and stepfather failed you.

The best revenge you can get on Adam is to find a therapist, get into a better mental state, and live a healthy, happy life. Your mother and Adam aren't happy - trust me. Every day that you interact with your children in a healthy, loving way is a day that you metaphorically thumb your nose at your molester, who tried to reduce you to a non-person.

And please, trust me - YOUR CHILDREN WOULD MISS YOU IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO YOU. They would miss you DREADFULLY. No children in history have ever said, after growing up motherless, "Gee, it was tough at times not having a mom, but she was pretty screwed up and liked to drink anyway, so her death was probably for the best." Your children aren't going to be the exceptions.

Call one of the numbers listed at the end of your entry. Call it now. Ask to speak to someone, and start pouring out your story. You will find understand, help, and a path to a happier life. Call. In the meantime, I'll rustle up my voodoo doll and start sticking it in uncomfortable places. So, if you find out that your stepfather has aches in weird places, you'll know who to blame...

Anonymous said...

Oh, god, I feel for you.

I've been in that dark place, and it's damned difficult to crawl out of.

You're holding a 10-year-old girl accountable for so many things -- things she couldn't possibly have been old enough to deal with.

At 15, I got involved with a 24-year-old man. The relationship lasted several years. He was physically and sexually abusive. I had to transfer colleges to get away from him.

Only then, when I couldn't get out of bed in the morning, when I was so filled with self-loathing I could no longer function, did I finally seek help.

My moment of clarity occurred in a therapist's office, when she placed a chair in front of me and told me to pretend my 15-year-old self was sitting in it.

"What do you want to tell her?" she asked.

And it poured forth. Until then, I'd felt anger toward the man, my parents, the church in which we all were members...

I never realized how much anger was directed at myself. Or how it was consuming me.

And I never realized, until then, how much control that man still had over me. Because any time I saw him or heard his voice, I morphed back into that 15-year-old girl. He still had control over me, all those years later.

Honey, you are still living in that little girl's hell. And the sad thing is, she -- YOU -- are not to blame for any of this.

The adults in your life failed you then. And those same people are failing you now.

Please, find someone you can talk to, someone who will help you see that you are suffering from misplaced guilt, someone who will work through the anger you feel toward your abuser, your mother, and most importantly, yourself.

You can't change them. You can't change their behavior or their old patterns.

But you can, I promise, you CAN learn to love yourself again.

I know. Believe me, I know.

When I look back on that period of my life, I still feel a flash of anger. But it doesn't linger. I don't brood over it or dwell on it or think about all the ways he fucked up the latter part of my childhood.

Because even though I never forgave him -- and I never will -- I forgave MYSELF. And that is all that truly matters.

Don't try to get through this alone. Find someone who can get you the therapy you need. If you don't know of any good counselors, do you have anyone close to you who might help you search?

You didn't mention a partner. Do you have anyone to lean on? If not, is there a close friend you trust?

If so, call that person. If not, please, please, contact one of the numbers offered.

You are not alone. So many of us have experienced abuse while children. It's a long, hard path, leaving that pain behind, but there are people who can take your hand and walk you down it.

The best thing I ever did was to walk into that therapist's office. That was more than 15 years ago. And I still look back on that decision as the best damn one I've ever made.

Call somebody NOW. Please.

Anonymous said...

OK, just re-read the end of your post and realized you are married.

Have you talked to your husband about this?

Does he know how much you are hurting? Does he understand how bad this has gotten?

If not, and if you trust him to be supportive in your efforts to heal, wake him up NOW and talk to him. Ask him to help you work through this.

flutter said...

Oh sweetheart. Honey please call someone and get some peace. You do not deserve the darkness you do not deserve to die. Please talk to someone. Talk to me, if you need to I will listen, day or night. fluttercrafts at gmail dot [com]. You do not need to go through this alone. You deserve so much more than this.

mothergoosemouse said...

Please please please talk to someone.

Please please please do not hurt yourself.

Your children will not understand if you leave them. They most certainly will NOT be better off without you.

Right now they need YOU, no matter how flawed you may feel you are. And your primary responsibilities are to yourself and to them - not to family members who have turned on you.

Please - I beg you - do not think of your mother, your stepfather, your siblings. Think of yourself and your children - what you have to do to help yourself and them.

Smiling Mom said...

Dear Anonymous,

I can't even begin to relate to the horror you are living. So I will tell you all that I know.

I am a wife to a man who's father killed himself. He believed that hanging himself would solve his marital problems, his problems with the law, his alcoholism. Everyone, he thought, would be better without him.

He was wrong. Very wrong.

I never met the man, but I live, daily with his choice. My husband, is now a man who hurts deeply because of his father's choice to end his own life. Deeply.

I beg and plead with you to get some help. If you don't, your kids will be affected for the rest of their lives by this choice.

Don't let your molester leave a legacy with your kids too.

Get some help, go to a crisis center. Put yourself first. I know none of this probably helps.

But please, please, consider getting healthy. For your kids, now, and in the future.

You are in my daily prayers.

Anonymous said...

I know it hurts to lose your "family" but family is more than biology. Family is people who love you and care about you and want you to be happy. Family is not people who lie about you and try to hurt you.

If you lose people who treat you like crap, what have you really lost? You have so much good in your life. Go toward the good and away from the bad. You deserve the best.

jess said...

My heart aches for you. I have never gone through something as horrible as what you have experienced but I know what its like to be hurt by someone you should be able to trust.

I wish I could reach out and fix things for you. I wish I could go back to the past and protect that little girl from the despicable people who hurt her.

From here all I can do is pray and hope that you find the peace you're seeking. Revenge will not heal you, your rage is completely justified, but the people who hurt you were broken too, hurting them back will not give you the peace you seek, it will only make it worse.

Find someone who understands what you're going through, call one of those numbers Catherine has provided, and fight your way through this to find a place where you can live in peace. Do this for your children, they need their mother, and you need to be whole so that you can be the mother to them that your mother failed to be for you. But mostly, do it for yourself. You are too precious and loved to be given over to despair without a fight. We are standing with you.

And if you ever need someone to talk to and don't have anyone; in those middle of the night times when you can't stand being alone with your thoughts anymore, at ANY time of day or night. You can call me. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger than someone you know. Email me if you want my phone number.

Please hold on, you are not alone.

Rogue said...

Babe, none of this shit is your fault.
Try therapy, but for YOURSELF. Don't worry about anything else right now except healing YOURSELF.

Call some numbers. Get what you need.

I'd kill for you, gladly, if I could. I know I am not the only one.

Love to you. All my love.

Anonymous said...

I almost don't know what to say that you'll hear. This isn't your fault. Your family is damaged. They need to blame someone for the dysfunction and you're their scapegoat. I know this all too well. I'm the scapegoat in my family, too. It's been 27 years since I've spoken a word to my mother, who hates me. I don't talk to my siblings either. They blame me for everything. Like you, I'm accomplished, educated, a proud mother of two children, and my family hates us. Most of them have never even met my children. They never will if I have anything to do with it. Because they're horrible dysfunctional people who are sick and mean.

So I do know what that feels like. Every single day I feel alone because I have no family, no support system.

But I have made my own family and I've looked for support in my local mental health professionals. I know my children need and love me, despite how my birth family feels. I know that they need me, just like your kids need you. I know that drinking and drugs aren't the answer. And that if you need help, and you do, if you contact your local DSS/CPS and ASK for it, they will NOT take your children from you. They will help you. They will find and pay for therapists and parenting tools and respite care.

They want your children to be with you. They want you to be the best parent you can be. They WANT to help you. But you have to ask for it.

I did, and it was a huge help. They took care of my family until I was able to do it myself. It was only a year out of our lives, and yet it made me well, and my family healed.

Please, please ask for help. People want to help you. they don't want you to hurt yourself or others. If you ask, you'll find help.

And keep posting here. Let us help you, boost you up, share virtual hugs, and listen to your pain. Please.

Mel said...

I don't have a lot of advice. I was molested as a child, but I chose to forgive the person - anything else would have eaten me alive.
I wouldn't even dream of advising you to forgive Adam, honestly - the man sounds like he's pure evil, and is still playing puppets with your whole family. My situation was totally different.
All I can offer is this: You are not alone. You don't have to go through this alone. You are special and important. You are two little kids' most favorite, most important person in the whole entire universe. Please find someone to talk to about what happened to you and what is still happening to you. It will make a difference. And while it might hurt, I would cut all ties with these people; it sounds like a seriously toxic group of relationships that you really don't need. You are an amazingly accomplished person (THREE degrees! Wow!); you don't need this cycle of suffering and blame in your world.
And last of all, please accept a virtual hug: ((((((((You))))))))
I hope you find the way through this. I'll be thinking about you.

Anonymous said...

No child is ever to blame for being molested.

The next step is up to you. Please call one of the resources listed. They can and will help.

I've been sober now a little over 27 years. My kids are grown and I have grandchildren and great-grandchildren. In 1979 I thought my life was over. I finally asked for help and it was the beginning of my new life.

My story is not yours of course but I discovered that in order to maintain sobriety and some sanity, I had to let go of the people who were out to destroy it. That included some of my family.

Best wishes to you.

Ann

Anonymous said...

I want you to know that you are very brave for sharing your story, for writing it down. I hope that you are able to reach out even further through the resources HBM has listed (or any other). I'm not very good with words, but I am truly hoping that you can understand that you can be and I believe will be happier soon. I believe you can and will get through this. I am holding you in my heart and hoping for the best for you.

mel said...

I agree wholeheartedly with the first comment. Please, please, please talk to someone.
I know it may be hard to take that step, especially when you are at the point where you just want to give up...but it will be worth it. Your kids need you. They need you. Tell yourself that - often. When darkness comes and you feel the despair taking hold - dwell on that. Picture their beautiful faces. They need you. You have come so far already. You can do this. Take the step to get help. You will not get judgment...you will get support. You will not get condemnation..you will get comfort. You will not get hatred...you will get a helping hand. You are worth saving. You are. You are in my prayers.

T said...

I so totally agree with Anon's comment. NONE of this is your fault and your rage, saddness and desperation are all totally normal for this crazy situation that was forced upon you at a very young age and still continues to haunt you.

You really, really, NEED to get help. I can understand your fear about trying to reach out for help and being afraid of the consequences. I wouldn't worry about child protective services taking your children away, from what you said in your post, that's not going to happen. What will happen, though, is that you will be able to develop some different coping skills to help you break out of this cycle of abuse/self-abuse that you're still in to this day.

Right now, the 'darkness' that you talk about is actually the shadow of the abuse of your past that is still lingering in your present. You can get rid of that without harming yourself or anyone else, I promise. A skilled, experienced professional will be able to help you sort things out and get a better grip on what's happening to you. All the revenge in the world won't be able to do that.

I don't know if you have healthcare benefits that would cover such treatment but if you do, you could start there to find your own helping professional. If you don't, you can look to some of the local resources in your phone book and find a therapist who takes a sliding scale fee.

Some of the resources that are listed would also be good for finding some general information as well as for realizing that what you are experiencing is not out of the ordinary for the situation. You are NOT ALONE. There are (sadly) millions of women (and children and men) who have been through similar experiences and who are living, surviving and even thriving.

I wish you the very best and I am holding a place in my heart for you. I will think of you and hold good thoughts, healing thoughts.

Ms. B said...

1- go to a doctor and ask for anti-depressant. It did a lot of good for me.

2- as long as you have your husband, who cares about anyone else? Hell with them.

3- get involved with women's shelters and work with abused children. It did wonders for me.

4- remember, you are not alone. I think one quarter of kids and teens are abused in our community.

5- be a survivor and use your experience to guide other victims.

Anonymous said...

There are people out there (and in here) who will not judge you, and want to help. HBM posted some great resources, but wherever you live, there will be a women's crisis hotline that you can call.

This is not your fault, this is not your fault, this is not your fault - but you are the only one that can get yourself help.

I'll be thinking about you.

Anonymous said...

My heart is breaking for you. I cannot even know what this pain must feel like, but I believe you can get through it.

Call for help and in the meantime, take every hour by hour, every ten-minute span by ten-minute span. Take life in small amounts to help yourself survive. And Anon 7:59 is right - it is not your fault and living well (in a healthy mental place) IS the best revenge.

If you have to quit what you're doing and relocate somewhere they can't find you to harrass you, then consider it. A degree can wait, your mental health and happiness need you now.

I hope today is better for you than yesterday, I hope tomorrow is better than today. Get help to make it happen.

slouching mom said...

When adults you should be able to trust betray you so completely, as your mother and stepfather did, it is so easy to believe that you are the one who is bad, you are the one who caused it all to happen. But that's only what THEY want you to think, because they don't want to acknowledge their own guilt and wrongdoing.

But you have been a victim. And so far from being a bad person, you tried to do an incredibly noble thing by suggesting that you were not in fact molested. You were trying to help your brother. That shows a lot of love, a lot of goodness.

Please do call one of those numbers up there. You are worth it. Your children want you around. Your husband wants you around. In fact, I'm certain that all three need you around.

YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Anonymous said...

"Every day that you interact with your children in a healthy, loving way is a day that you metaphorically thumb your nose at your molester"
Absolutely! It is not up to you to make him pay. There is a time coming that there will be no statute of limitations for child molesters. When that time comes, make your decision then.
From someone who has been on the edge of your experience (I was abused at 10) please know, there is nothing that you can do to him that will make YOU feel any better. You have to get help. You have to get help for your children, husband, and most importantly yourself. You will have to attack the alcohol addiction first, for nothing can heal if you are constantly shutting yourself away from it with alcohol.
Did you know that children whose parents commit suicide are more likely to commit suicide themselves? Do you want to set that example for your children? Or one where the problem is addressed head on, no matter how late, and dealt with fully for complete healing. You have been doing this for a very long time, and it won't be easy or fast. You will never be able to think of the abuser or his name without thinking of what he did and what he made your life become. But now it is up to you. Do you realize how very happy he is right now, because of all he has gotten from you? Not just the abuse, but how he has changed you as a person. Take his power away and live YOUR life the best way you can.
Go get help. With your husband's help, the children will not be at risk for one second. If you haven't told your husband, tell him now so that he can know what's going on and what will be happening. Get his input, it will make your relationship stronger. Just get help, no matter what. *hand*

jen said...

oh, sister. we are listening. you are not alone. you've found a safe place here.

we are the sum, not the parts. you add up to so much more than these horrible parts of your life.

Kate said...

What they said. All of them.

The important points (in my head):
1. You didn't get into this situation by yourself. So you cannot get out of it - cannot get healthy - by yourself.

2. He will never, ever feel like you do. Revenge is impossible. He is dead inside, or broken, or contorted in some fundamental way that prevents him from feeling real, valid, human emotions. I wish, too, that he could hurt like you hurt - but he simply cannot. Your healing can't be about him, because he is inadequate.

3. You are worth every bit of work and effort and love that you have ever, and will ever, received.

4. Go to an emergency room. Ask for a mental health evaluation. Someone will come, sit with you, help to decide what you need, and help walk you through that. You don't need to know how to contact anyone, or involve insurance, or make an appointment. Just go to the ER and talk.

5. It can get better. Honest.

Anonymous said...

Please talk to someone and get some help...the best revenge will be living a happy and healthy life with your children. Breaking the cycle of despair will be the best revenge.

Sending you best best wishes.

rachel said...

the drive for revenge is toxic, but it is, at least, a drive, and i imagine that is one of the reasons it feels so consuming to you right now: you have found something to hold on to, that gives you a reason to see it all through.
you deserve love. revenge is not love, and it will not feel like love. you have love: your childrens'for you and yours for them [other commenters are referencing your husband, but i don't see a partner mentioned in your post, so i'm not sure if i missed something ...]. to the extent that you have a community whose love can absorb some of your desire for revenge, i think you will feel less consumed.
you will be in my thoughts; i am proud of you for finding this space to give a voice to you fear. i hope you can find a non-virtual space as well.

Julie Pippert said...

Everyone in your life, including you, continues to make that has happened and all that is happening *all your fault* and *all your responsibility.*

It's not.

Simple to say, hard to believe but open your mind. Let it in.

It's good that you are opening up. I hope you feel the support and encouragement here for you.

You have managed to accomplish and do much with your life...you can do it, you are worth it, what you have now is worth it.

Call one of the places that can help you even more.

Good luck...much good luck.

Anonymous said...

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Don't blame yourself. Get counceling, Get an anti-depressant. You will not lose your children because of this. I work in an industry where women lose their children, and its not because they have a drinking problem at night.

You need to talk to your husband if you can. It's time to take care of yourself. Its easy for others to say to screw the rest of your family but its oh so hard to do. I have a friend who goes to FREE COUNCELING with a daycare there that will watch her 2 little ones while she has a session. Help is out there. And trust me when I say, no matter how bad you think this is, your children growing up motherless would be so much worse.
Get the help you deserve. Your children LOVE You. And if you weren't here, their lives would suffer from it forever. Trust me, if I could just have one more day with my mom, I hold her all day. You are worth it. You are not to blame, You are loved. You are special.
These are the things you need to tell yourself. PLEASE. Do it for yourself, do it for your children, Get help. They love you.

Anonymous said...

Please call someone. See a family therapist and get some support for yourself and for your children. Try to understand that you have been victimized and you are still being victimized. Not a single bit of this is your fault. Protect yourself and protect your children from these people!

Bloor West Mama said...

You are an extremely courageous person just by posting this post. This is certainly a step in the right direction, you asked for help and help in the form of support, resources and virtual hugs was given. Please take what we have all said and get the help that you need.

My prayers are with you, your husband and children.

PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE get help.

Anonymous said...

Not your fault. And you are being victimized every day, still. I hope you will call some of the numbers, but what everyone is doing here I add my voice to: absolution. You have nothing to blame yourselv for.

My husband was abused as a child, by someone in his church, in a position of authority over him. For years. When it all came out (through another victim) his family was shunned and his parents went into denial. For three years of terrorizing my husband and at least 4 other boys, his abuser got six months in jail. And welcomed back into the congregation. My husband abused drugs all through high school and spent a good part of his 20s in jail for violent assaults and thefts and thuggery. Jail.

It's hard to imagine you've done anything worse than my husband, in reaction to your victimization.

But he got therapy. No more drugs and no more violence. University, career. He's the kindest best man I know and I cherish him.

He's reliving, for the better, his childhood through his children. He calls it his do-over.

I wish for you a do-over. You deserve it. Cut these people out of your life and focus on building your family of choice. Start with yourself - get thehelp you need. I wish you strength and courage.

nomotherearth said...

I don't have much to add to the good suggestions above. I just wanted you to know that people are listening, you are heard, and even if we don't know you in person, we do care what happens to you.

Please get professional help. The numbers that HBM listed are a good start. Do it for yourself. But, if you won't do it for yourself, do it for your children. They need you in their lives.

dana said...

You did not deserve to be molested. Your mother is wrong to attack you. You were afraid of your brother not knowing his father. While the circumstances as to how you reacquainted Adam and Jason are not the best, we all understand your fears and reasoning.

It was a mistake to say you lied, but we understand why.

Now you must seek a therapist or a trusted friend or counsellor. I can't tell you enough how important this is. We feel for you, so very much.

But you can't get over it alone. It's a complex situation full of hurt, anger and mixed emotions.

Clarity. That is what a counsellor will provide.

Please come back and let us know how you are. We will worry about you until then.

Anonymous said...

It is easy for your family to believe that you are the cause of the pain because then they don't have to face the real pain. The don't have to face the truth.

Love yourself, your husband and your children to find the help you need to enjoy living again. Healing and moving forward will be hard but it is not impossible. Take little steps in the right direction.

You have been badly hurt. No one deserves the things that you have been through. Please know in your heart that there are people that do love you and there are people that want to help. I am wishing and hoping that you find the light.

MotherBumper said...

You are so courageous for speaking out. What struck me most was you saying "I am not a good person and I know that." That is the furthest thing from the truth. How do I know that? Because if you were not a good person you wouldn't care. You wouldn't care about your family, your beautiful children, your life. You are a good person. He hurt you, he molested you, he tried to destroy you for his own pleasure and power. Don't let him succeed in destroying you. You need to talk to someone, to exorcise these horrific experiences and to start the healing. You can heal. Love is full and brimming with respect and here, in the basement, you will find respect and love. We will be here for you but you need to find someone to talk with in person. This is the start and please, please know that we are here.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anon,

Please call 215-985-3333 when you are feeling that you might succumb to the darkness or even when it is calling to you. This is a 24/7 rape and sexual abuse crisis hotline from Women Organized Against Rape. They are located in Philadelphia and will call you back if you are out of state so you don't have to pay for the long distance. I was a rape crisis counselor there and I am sure that they can provide you with an ear and with some local resources that can help you.

Please know that you are NOT alone. There are people available to you 24/7 who can help you when you are teetering on the brink.

Also, though this might not seem true while the rage is bubbling inside of you, your BEST REVENGE is to survive this, come out the other side and raise your beautiful children with your husband. You DO have a family ANON! You created your own with your husband.

I know all this may not seem like any consolation. But please take care of yourself and try to find a place in your heart to know you are worth it. Make the call.

We're all here supporting you - even if we're anonymous. Try to feel our strength when you feel like you have none left.

I'm praying for you!

Anonymous said...

i've been abused, too, and i can honestly say that it can lead to so much darkness and hatred. i will repeat what others have said: PLEASE get help. talk to a therapist or counselor, get in touch with a hotline of some sort, anything you need to stay healthy. you are an important person in the world, especially to your husband and children. your situation is awful, and you should NOT have to go through it alone.

taking the first step to get help will be the hardest step, but it's also the most important. as someone else who's been there, PLEASE let others help you get through this.

Anonymous said...

Others above had said this better than I can, but I do want to say that we are all hoping for you and caring about you. This was not your fault but only you can change your life now. Please get help. Please don't leave your children. My husband's mother left him and his sister when he was 8 years old. Now, more than 30 years later, he still hurts over this. Do not let your hurtful relatives bring you down. Please let us know if you are ok and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

verybadcat said...

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Others have said that good living is the best revenge. It's true, even if it sounds a little hollow. You were abused, by Adam and your mother. Your brother is too confused and probably too young (soul-wise at least) to understand the pain he is causing you. The reason the best revenge is good living is that at this point, they are trying to give you some of their pain, because that is the only way they can stand living in their own skin- to blame you and to make you hurt (more) the way they do. Don't take their pain! Cut them off!

Get into therapy. Fill your life and your heart with self-love and love for your husband and children, so that their is no room for their pain.

Go to some AA meetings. A therapist or AA sponsor will not turn you in unless they absolutely have to for the safety of your children, and from what you've said here, you have an alcohol problem but not severe enough to warrant taking your kids.

Your family doesn't hate you. They hate themselves. They are sick and you are tired of sick, tired of lies and pain and loneliness. When you try to be healthy, you shed light on how sick they are. That's what they hate- not you.

Don't give your power away! Get help- let them be sick alone. Leave the door open with your brother-t here may come a day that he begins to absorb and understand this and needs you to answer questions and wants a relationship with you. Understand that Adam, sicko bastard notwithstanding, is his only father, and in the shock and pain of his own life, he sees you as taking his Dad from him. He can't blame his Dad, because he can't lose the only father he's had. He is almost as much of a victim here as you are.

Please, please, please get help. If you don't have the energy or the will to do it for yourself, which I would understand completely, do it for your kids.

They know that Mommy isn't happy, and they know that Mommy isn't healthy. They will model after you. You will have no choice but to give your pain away to them. That's the cycle. Break it! Break the cycle- that is also damn good revenge. To say to your mother, literally or figuratively- I was strong enough, I was smart enough to say the crazy stops HERE. My kids don't need it. They don't deserve it. I don't need it, and I don't deserve it. That seems small now, but there is great power in being able to say/know these things. I promise. I haven't been through quite what you have, but I have done what I am telling you to do- and I still do it every day. Because someday I will have children, and the crazy stops here. I know what it is like to have a crazy mother, and I cannot bear to be one. Neither can you.

You are a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent person- with or without your advanced degrees. Let someone with an advanced degree in psychology help you put the pieces of the puzzle together and set you free. I'm begging you.

As much as it hurts to give up on your (original) family, the first step to getting better is to realize how sick they are, and that they are very, very bad for you until they can recognize that and fix it- if they ever do.

Your husband and your children deserve the best wife and mother you can give them, and that means getting help. You deserve the best life you can give yourself, and the most peace and happiness that can fit in your broken heart. Take what is yours, and refuse to take what isn't.

My heart hurts for you. Please, please, please, get some help. The family might not ever be right or good, but you can be. You can have a wonderful life, and you can teach your kids to fill their lives and hearts with so much good stuff that there isn't much room for anything bad, and you can teach them real strength comes in admitting your troubles and relying on professionals and loved ones to work through them.

If you want to talk, or if you want help finding free confidential therapy in your area- email at verybadcat13atgmaildotcom. I will help you. I will listen, if that is what you need.

My mother watched my father beat the shit out of me, and I am convinced that a part of her liked it- because for that moment, I hurt the way she has hurt all her life. He helped her give her pain away. For years and years she tortured me emotionally and mentally, until I finally understood that she was miserable and couldn't hold all her misery within her- she had to give it away. I stopped taking it. I stop taking it every time we have contact. I do it over and over again, letting go, forgiving her, mourning her, filling my life and heart with good. For my future children, and for myself, and for my wonderful loving husband, whose heart breaks when I take her pain.

Please, please get help. Email me if you want or need. I am here, I care, I understand the best I can without having been through all that you have.

*fingers crossed for you*

Anonymous said...

Don't give him that much power over you. I was molested as a young child by a family member. Nobody knows. This same family member molested several of my cousins also. They told, but nobody did anything. The family still talks about the creep as if nothing ever happened.

I decided long ago that what he did to me WOULD NOT determine my self worth or my success in life.

Andrea said...

I'm sure others have said it's not your fault and have imparted advice far better than I could. But I can't not say something. I'm reaching out my own hand. Hang on. Just hang on long enough to get help, pick up the phone and call someone.

As for revenge, it may feel sweet if you ever attain it, but really, the best revenge is to stop the cycle of abuse, including the abuse you're heaping on yourself when it's not your fault. Not. Your. Fault.

Take my hand and just hang on. Hang on until you can get some help. Your children need their mom, and they are NOT better off without you.

Heather said...

I'm risking redundancy here but had to echo what's been said: It's not your fault. No one deserves to go through what you have. I hope you will find the peace you so richly deserve.

Anonymous said...

I wish I had sound word or some brilliant advice to offer you, my friend. But I don't.

Please consider reaching out for therapy to help deal with your pain.

I can't say I understand your feelings, but I have a noose of guilt that eats at my soul every damn day myself and a family of parents and siblings who have abandoned me and labelled me "Monster."

I know pain.

Reaching out can be the hardest first step, but you did that when you posted here.

I wish you the best of luck, and all the joy in the world. You DESERVE it, and your children DESERVE a mother who isn't plagued with such åçpain.

My heart hurts for you, my friend. I wish you well.

gingajoy said...

it sounds like everything you have buried is coming out with a vengeance. of course it is.

i know someone very close to me who has gone through this--almost exactly. she also broke down over it all in her adult life, when she was a mother. she needed help. she needed to talk to someone who was a professional and get it all out.

she is now much much happier. not completely healed (how can she ever be) but she sees the beauty in life.

please get some help. we're behind you...

katy said...

I hope you look at those children of yours and realize that you can make a big difference in their lives. They can grow up with a mommy who loves them and takes care of them. Do not let him win and ruin another generation of children. Getting help is hard and telling your story to counselors is hard , but you did it here and no one judged you. Get some help and live your life to the fullest to show him you are strong, much stronger than he is. The best revenge is to live well and raise a happy, healthy family.

Anonymous said...

I can't even pretend to know what it's like to experience the deep hurt and anger that you are going through. But please know thought that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Have you heard of Angela Shelton? She is a survivor and a warrior:
http://www.angelashelton.com/

Anonymous said...

My mother's sister suicided just after her daughter's 11th birthday. Her father had died of a heart attack a few months earlier. My cousin came to live with us. She had seen her mother dead. All her life she has struggled with this pain, and me with her.
You are too smart to suicide. Don't leave your kids. Don't give them your pain. Get to a hospital, phone a crisis line, call your family doctor. Do it now.
You're worth it. You're one of us. We're with you. Don't give up.

Anonymous said...

anonymous please know that what that man did you was in no way your fault.please find someone you can talk too.and please stop drinking alcohol.it only magnifies your pain.and your problems.i am so sorry about your fractured relationships with your family.that man is a manipulative coward.please ,i'm begging you don't do anything to hurt yourself.my heart really goes ouyt to you. i'm so sorry for what has happened to you.LAVENDULA

crazymumma said...

You are so brave to write this and thru your writing you ARE reaching out which means that a big enough part of you does not want to die.

Please,please find help. There are those out there who will believe you and help you.

That man. He is evil and wrong and sick and bad. And I am so sorry that he got you so long ago and still has you now. What he did will always be with you, in some form. But I believe you are stronger than what happened, and you can overcome it.

My thought and prayers are with you.

Amanda said...

There is a light on the other end of all this. There are people you can talk to, and, if you have tried at some point in the past, please try again. You will find someone who will listen, understand and guide you. Do no let the tragedy of the situation be compounded by another injustice. You need to be here. You need to carry on. You are so very much in just being you and whether you believe it or not, the world would suffer, not to mention your children.
Good luck.

Kyla said...

Oh baby girl. Its not your fault. None of it. What has happened is awful, and you are amazing to have made it so far. You are strong, stronger than you think, because you have made it so far. You need help, burdens this heavy can only be carried by one set of shoulders for so long. You need a break. You need someone else to help you put the load down and learn how to walk without it. You can. YOU CAN. Find help. If you can't find it in yourself to do that yet, please keep talking here in this safe space. Keep talking, keep breathing, keep living. Your sweet children need you. You are invaluable and everything to them. And you are every bit worthy of their love...don't you doubt that.

mamatulip said...

A very good friend of mine has gone through something similar and is in the process of getting help for herself. It's hard, damn hard. Hard to watch and hard for her to do, to face up to. But she's doing it, and I'm proud of her.

I'm proud of you, too, for coming here and baring your soul. It's been said before but it's worth being said again -- it's not your fault. NOT YOUR FAULT.

Please look into getting some professional help. You are worth it.

.. Dallas Meow >^^ said...

With apologies, I have not read other's comments. Only your post.
I think the first thing is to set your mind to accepting that you ARE a good person and the best 'revenge' you can get - is to go on and make your life and your children's the best it can be.
You cannot choose whetehr they all will or might change - you can only take care of yourself and your family.
Show them more love than you were shown -
I've tried suicide. And now realize... I just so desperately wanted the pain to END!
Accept your mistakes, move on. You have no fault in the molestation.
But be honest from now on. If you encounter a situation you cannot handle and cannot explain or do not want to talk about - say so.
You have the right.
I am uncomfortable right now
I cannot speak about that at this time
The right venue for all that is with a therapist.
Not with the family or the kids or well meaning friends.
Just ask for and accept their love.
But you are a good person.
That man was a man, an adult, and he chose to do the wrong thing to you.

Mad Hatter said...

You have taken a good first step by talking about it. Like the other commenters I would encourage you to keep talking through it. Here AND with a professional. Or professionals. Rely on whatever support networks you can create for yourself.

Move forward in grace. With power.

mamalang said...

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said. I am just hoping, praying that seeing that there are over 50 people concerned enough to offer their words of encouragement and support to you at this time will allow you to take the steps necessary to get help. You are obviously a loving mother...if you weren't, you wouldn't wait until they were in bed. They need that mommy in their life...and they need her to set an example...to show them how to find the strength to get help when you need. I will be praying for you and your family...please come back and keep us updated. All of us are here for you, even if we can't be there for you.

Damselfly said...

Anonymous, HBM is right. Talk with someone, a counselor or a person at a house of worship. These things aren't your fault. Please don't let your family's attitudes and behavior rule your life. My stepmother was in a similar situation, and she didn't talk to someone about it for years, and it nearly ruined her. Please, talk to someone. Blessings to you and your children....

Anonymous said...

I dont know if you have heard this yet but there is no reason for you to carry the issues that your parents gave you... It is possible to forgive them. The idea seems so far fetched - I know - but give it a think because it is so worth it and so freeing. You can choose to do what you know in your heart of hearts to be right. Make all your decisions for you and no one else. You are strong, but for all the wrong people. Do what you need to do for yourself.

Start councelling tomorrow. It is worth it!

Anonymous said...

I hate to go anonymous on this comment, but I must. My advice is to separate yourself from the past and look toward your future. This is what I have done.

Do not let yourself be steeped in it. If your family is toxic (sounds like they are) then you are BETTER OFF without them. Enjoy your real family. Enjoy the children you have and the life you have built. SEEK counseling. Put the past behind you. I disagree with giving a molester a free pass. I don't understand why you put him in contact with his son. What is done is done though... move on.

Banish the thoughts of ending it from your mind. Do not entertain the thoughts or they can consume you. If you did do something crazy your children would be forever scared. They are worth hanging in there for if you do not yet value your self. Get help. If the first place /person you go to doesn't work, try again.

It is worth the effort to pull yourself out of the darkness. It is worth the effort to put it behind you forever. Remove yourself, pretect yourself, take care of yourself. I am cheering for you!!!!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS! It has been done. You are not alone. I believe in you.

Jodi said...

Get help. You deserve it. Your children deserve it. You deserve it. Get help. You don't have to feel this bad forever. You don't need to punish yourself anymore. Get help. Please. *big hug to you!*

Anonymous said...

I can't offer any more sage advice than what has been already been offered here. I just want to join the chorus to say,

Get Help.
You are worthy of love and respect.
It's not your fault.

Sending you a hug through cyberspace.

Multi-tasking Mommy said...

Oh, please, please, please call someone. Someone that can listen. Someone that can be a shoulder. Someone who knows (like all of us) that you aren't a bad person. You need to get this out, off your chest.

Hugs come your way from me. Give your children a great big hug too! They need you. As much as you feel horrible, remember that your children need you and deserve you. Just like you deserve them!

Try to focus your energy away from punishment and more on your future with your children and how good you can make it for them. They don't need people in their life that are going to bring them negative thoughts. Try to focus on the good and the good people that you have in your life. Start with small steps. You can do it!!!

Anonymous said...

i am concerned about the safety of the children being your mental state, lack of support and help as well as acting as a caregiver to kids while under the influence of alcohol.

have you consider temp. placement of the children with a child protection agency in your area while you seek help and support from the mother?

in ontario there are options called a "temporary care agreement" which works on a voluntary basis for up to 1 year in care. the agreeement can include liberal visitation / access aggreement between the agency and parent. just a thought.

in toronto call:
Children's Aid Society of Toronto
416-924-4646 and ask for Intake
or if Catholic
416-395-1500
in other regions of Ontario please refer to map on website:
http://www.oacas.org

that might be a way to protect the children and give you time needed to heal and get help for youself. as a professional in the field, i have major concerns about the children regardless of my sympathy for you and your situation.

a concerned professional

Ruth Dynamite said...

Dear Anon,

Be strong. Make that call. This too shall pass.

Kris said...

I have nothing constructive to add, but I can't read something as heart-wrenching as this without at least sending a hug your way.

Anonymous said...

You are so much more then what happened to you. Your children don't look at you and see it, they see their Mother, their protectiom, their life. Don't let this swallow the parts of you that are made so much more sincere and real, don't allow them to take anymore away from you. From your children, from people you have yet to meet, and those that you have.

Revenge in it's best form is getting the help you need and moving on to live. SImply that, to live, and to enjoy, to experience. YOu fret that your children have a Grandmother that hates their guts.... to be frank, does it matter? Do you want these people in your childrens lives when they so deeply wounded you? Those kiddo's need you so much more then they ever needed a relationship with her, or any of them. These people are monsters, and you as well as those kids deserve so much more then them.

Please please seek help. Any church or hospital, just walk in, tell them. Talk about it, allow someone who can hold your hand and help you walk this path you have to walk, allow them to help you find you. If you can't find the strength to do it for yourself, do it for your children, in time, you will keep going for you. Just for now, do it for whatever reason it is that will get you in there. You ARE worth it, and you are not a bad person.

Mommato2 said...

I feel like I am echoing every other post, but please please get some professional help. It is NOT your fault...my God, you were only ten years old... a baby yourself.

I know how much your children must love and need you. Try not to let this asshole continue sabotaging your life.

Sending huge hugs your way...hang in there and stay strong.