Posted By Anonymous.
I'm in a very dangerous place at the moment. I'm standing in a sunlit dining room with a rosy cheeked 21-month-old playing happily beside me, but my mind and my heart are in a very dark, dangerous, scary place.
I wish I weren't here. I wish I weren't anywhere. I don't want to die. I just wish I could cease to exist. I think everyone around me would be better for it. At least I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore. This sucks.
About a dozen and a half times today, I've had the unbearable urge to scream at my child. Or cry. Or just put her safely in her crib with a sippy cup, some crackers and a book and drive far, far, far away. I didn't do any of those things.
I'm exhausted. Tired from getting four hours of sleep a night. Tired from being everyone's support. Tired of feeling like I have to work stupid hours so we can live in a good neighborhood, save for retirement and maybe, *maybe* take a vacation or get a new car one day. Tired of hearing my husband say how much his job sucks. (Dude, maybe if you had gotten your shit together when you were 20, you wouldn't be trying to figure out what to do with your life and I wouldn't be in the position of being the major-income-earner-benefit-provider-and-everything-else-under-the-sun.) Tired of feeling like I've screwed up my life with a series of really bad choices.
My child threw a fit this morning when I wanted to wear a skirt. I'm tired of that, too. Tired of not being able to wear or do what I want when I want.
I'm praying that naptime comes easily today because if it doesn't....well, I still probably won't scream or drive away or stick my head in the oven. I'll cry into my pillow for a while, suck it up and go get the kid. Because that's what I do. For now.