Posted by Anonymous
Is it just me that hates their children some days? I have a 3 year old and I'm VERY recently pregnant with my 2nd child. Some days I wonder why I'm going to torture myself by having another child - how disgusting is that? My sister has been struggling for years to get pregnant and here I am complaining about the one thing she dreams of.
I LOVE my daughter, she's the light of my life, but as everyone knows, in this day and age of monster home prices and cost of living, it's just complicates everything to try to find a decent job that allows me to drop her off and pick her up at preschool.......especially since my parents are so young and are still working full time, so I can't lean on them for babysitting during the day, and a lot of the time for what a babysitter costs, I would just be turning my paycheck over to babysitter. So, all of that adds up to a crappy part time job, which causes money issues which causes tension and stress between my husband and I, who I love and miss so much- because most of the time we're barely talking because we can't handle the stress of it all.
And why is it that it's so hard to find a job that will allow you to work from home so that you can juggle work and your children's activites? I just need to drop her off and then pick her up 3 times a week - that adds up to a half hour a day. I've had a MILLION headhunters laugh at me when I mention working from home. I swear to god, I'm not kidding.
I must sound like a horrible person. There are single mothers out there that handle all this on their own, so what right do I have to complain? But I do - and I can't get through the day without screaming in anger because of the stress.
What's wrong with me? Is it just me? Am I terrible? Will my daughter, and the next baby just end up hating me because I don't know how to get any joy out of the day because I'm constantly worrying about EVERYTHING?
Friday, June 29, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Another Baby, Not My Own
Posted by Anonymous.
A few weeks ago I found out my husband may have another child. He has two with me, both under 1 1/2 years old. I already know he had a son with someone else just before he met me and for a while we had visitation but now we don't. She took him away and we don't legally have a right to see him unless we go through the courts and we don't have the money.
However it has now come up that he may be the father of another boy who was born only a few months after his first son. The child does not live with his mom but is in the foster care and will become a ward of the state soon. The boy has two brothers as well but they are definitely not my husbands.
We will be having a paternity test done soon but the dilemma is what to do if he IS his son. As he already doesn't get to see one son, he doesn't want to lose another. However the boy has met us only once or twice and doesn't really know us (we were friends with the mom.) He's 3. They are going to try to keep all three boys together in the system but really, that doesn't happen too often. If we took him in, we of course would let him see his brothers but still. My main concern is how do we just take a 3 year old boy and say, "Hey, the guy you thought was your daddy isn't really your daddy. This is your real daddy and you are going to live with us now." Could a 3 year old really understand that?
Also we are really struggling financially with our two children. We use food banks and are behind on many bills. Would it be fair to bring in another child to a fairly poor lifestyle? We do own our home but still. He at least has clothes and toys and furniture already and we would get a bit of money from the city for him (baby bonus) but still. Plus in order to get custody of him, we have to get a lawyer and go to court to prove we can take good care of him. We can't afford a lawyer either and don't qualify for legal aid because we own our house.
Another concern is that I struggle with depression and since my husband works, it would be me who would be taking care of him. I get frustrated really easily with my two babies. Could I handle another child? We've been told he has behavioural issues, probably from being taken away and put back and taken away again from his parents. Plus we know he wasn't treated right, otherwise he wouldn't have been taken away.
There is a lot to think about and obviously none of this matter if it turns out he isn't my husband's son but it seems more likely that he is. What would you do?
A few weeks ago I found out my husband may have another child. He has two with me, both under 1 1/2 years old. I already know he had a son with someone else just before he met me and for a while we had visitation but now we don't. She took him away and we don't legally have a right to see him unless we go through the courts and we don't have the money.
However it has now come up that he may be the father of another boy who was born only a few months after his first son. The child does not live with his mom but is in the foster care and will become a ward of the state soon. The boy has two brothers as well but they are definitely not my husbands.
We will be having a paternity test done soon but the dilemma is what to do if he IS his son. As he already doesn't get to see one son, he doesn't want to lose another. However the boy has met us only once or twice and doesn't really know us (we were friends with the mom.) He's 3. They are going to try to keep all three boys together in the system but really, that doesn't happen too often. If we took him in, we of course would let him see his brothers but still. My main concern is how do we just take a 3 year old boy and say, "Hey, the guy you thought was your daddy isn't really your daddy. This is your real daddy and you are going to live with us now." Could a 3 year old really understand that?
Also we are really struggling financially with our two children. We use food banks and are behind on many bills. Would it be fair to bring in another child to a fairly poor lifestyle? We do own our home but still. He at least has clothes and toys and furniture already and we would get a bit of money from the city for him (baby bonus) but still. Plus in order to get custody of him, we have to get a lawyer and go to court to prove we can take good care of him. We can't afford a lawyer either and don't qualify for legal aid because we own our house.
Another concern is that I struggle with depression and since my husband works, it would be me who would be taking care of him. I get frustrated really easily with my two babies. Could I handle another child? We've been told he has behavioural issues, probably from being taken away and put back and taken away again from his parents. Plus we know he wasn't treated right, otherwise he wouldn't have been taken away.
There is a lot to think about and obviously none of this matter if it turns out he isn't my husband's son but it seems more likely that he is. What would you do?
Thursday, June 21, 2007
How Do I Help Him?
Posted by Anonymous.
I think my brother has Asperger Syndrome (AS) and my mother is paying the price.
I am 28 and my twin brothers are 25 years old. One of the twins is a rather socially-awkward kid. He was just like any other kid until he turned 16 or 17. Now well into adulthood (25 years old) it is becoming harder and harder for my parents to interact with him. Mainly because:
*He always misunderstands people (99% of time)
*He is always politically incorrect (or rude) because he wants to be honest
*Although he is finishing university, he has had difficulty with writing exams
*He has never maintained a job or successfully passed an interview
*He is not aware of his appearance (he doesn’t shave often)
*He never dresses appropriately (wears a T-shirt at a wedding)
*He cannot maintain friendships
*He can never get a date with a girl (as a result, sexually frustrated)
*Often he uses language expressions in the wrong way (wrong situation)
*Sometimes he laughs nervously, twitches his eyes or moves his fingers on the table in a repeated rocking motion.
*He remembers strange details of things, even after 20 years
*He repeats exact dialogues from some shows like Dr. Phil to prove an irrelevant point.
So, I am diagnosing him with AS, despite the fact that no doctor ever took the time to fully examine his situation!
The problem is not just AS. Many of you how know psychology, you that the “middle child” often suffers from paranoia that he has been short-changed in the family. Many middle children are sometime in their lifetime jealous of their siblings and blame their parents for their failures. Now add AS to the “middle child” factor and you will get a child that might some day kill his parents or siblings in cold blood!
The good news is that my brother is not violent, otherwise we would all be dead by now because he hates our guts! But my mom gets into a fight with him at least once a day when he misinterprets everything and everyone!
He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him, but “the whole world needs therapy”. Anything that comes out of his mouth is non-sense jealous rage and hatred toward family members, friends and any stranger.
He believes that my parents never loved him. He believes people just want to mock him all the time or everyone is out there to get him and that’s why he can’t pass a job interview.
He has a special way of making everyone mad and my mom cry. Sometimes I think he will give my father a heart attack. My parents love him to death and they know that he may never fully grow up and despite his degree in Engineering, they may have to financially support him for the rest of his life.
But I worry. When I was 23, I was raped by a guy who had almost the same problem. He was sexually frustrated and didn’t understand the meaning of “I don’t want to have sex with you.” I never told my family what happened, because I should have known better.
My question is “how do we get him help, when he believes he is not the one with the problem?”.
Because of his condition, he is not aware of his awkwardness and it is getting worse day by day. At the age of 25, it is not cute anymore when he dresses himself funny or says the wrong thing all the time! I think he needs to get some help before he gets violent and either rapes a girl (because she wouldn’t go out with him) or seriously hurts a family member.
I think my brother has Asperger Syndrome (AS) and my mother is paying the price.
I am 28 and my twin brothers are 25 years old. One of the twins is a rather socially-awkward kid. He was just like any other kid until he turned 16 or 17. Now well into adulthood (25 years old) it is becoming harder and harder for my parents to interact with him. Mainly because:
*He always misunderstands people (99% of time)
*He is always politically incorrect (or rude) because he wants to be honest
*Although he is finishing university, he has had difficulty with writing exams
*He has never maintained a job or successfully passed an interview
*He is not aware of his appearance (he doesn’t shave often)
*He never dresses appropriately (wears a T-shirt at a wedding)
*He cannot maintain friendships
*He can never get a date with a girl (as a result, sexually frustrated)
*Often he uses language expressions in the wrong way (wrong situation)
*Sometimes he laughs nervously, twitches his eyes or moves his fingers on the table in a repeated rocking motion.
*He remembers strange details of things, even after 20 years
*He repeats exact dialogues from some shows like Dr. Phil to prove an irrelevant point.
So, I am diagnosing him with AS, despite the fact that no doctor ever took the time to fully examine his situation!
The problem is not just AS. Many of you how know psychology, you that the “middle child” often suffers from paranoia that he has been short-changed in the family. Many middle children are sometime in their lifetime jealous of their siblings and blame their parents for their failures. Now add AS to the “middle child” factor and you will get a child that might some day kill his parents or siblings in cold blood!
The good news is that my brother is not violent, otherwise we would all be dead by now because he hates our guts! But my mom gets into a fight with him at least once a day when he misinterprets everything and everyone!
He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him, but “the whole world needs therapy”. Anything that comes out of his mouth is non-sense jealous rage and hatred toward family members, friends and any stranger.
He believes that my parents never loved him. He believes people just want to mock him all the time or everyone is out there to get him and that’s why he can’t pass a job interview.
He has a special way of making everyone mad and my mom cry. Sometimes I think he will give my father a heart attack. My parents love him to death and they know that he may never fully grow up and despite his degree in Engineering, they may have to financially support him for the rest of his life.
But I worry. When I was 23, I was raped by a guy who had almost the same problem. He was sexually frustrated and didn’t understand the meaning of “I don’t want to have sex with you.” I never told my family what happened, because I should have known better.
My question is “how do we get him help, when he believes he is not the one with the problem?”.
Because of his condition, he is not aware of his awkwardness and it is getting worse day by day. At the age of 25, it is not cute anymore when he dresses himself funny or says the wrong thing all the time! I think he needs to get some help before he gets violent and either rapes a girl (because she wouldn’t go out with him) or seriously hurts a family member.
Monday, June 18, 2007
The Reality of the Affair
Posted by Anonymous.
I have to talk about this, but it's not something I can share with anyone I know. I realize I will be labeled by people and that's fine. There's probably nothing they can come up with I haven't already said to myself.
I'm having an affair. There, I said it. It's funny to think of all the things I thought, stereotypically of course, about those who would choose to engage in something like this. And yes, I admit fully that it's a choice. It didn't "just happen." There was no "accident." I made choices, he made choices and now we're having an affair. But why? Why do two normally rational, intelligent people choose this path? The questions are plenty. "How did you let this happen? Why are you doing this? Don't you realize people will be hurt?"
The other things I hear a lot are, "People who have affairs are just looking for a cheap thrill. They like the thought of doing something where they might get caught!" No one says this to me of course, because NO ONE would guess the situation I'm in. I'm a normal thirty-something woman, married with children in an upper-middle class neighborhood. I have an education and a great job. I attend school functions with people like you. My kids are friends with your kids. We might actually meet somewhere, strike up a conversation and you may find you actually like me. But if anyone knew what happened behind closed doors I would be labeled, branded and cast aside. So no one knows.
I'm not going to go into boring details about the state of my marriage. I will only say that it hasn't been good but it hasn't been horrible. My husband has emotional issues that I finally said he needed to fix. I didn't want to divorce again. That was why I stayed through all of these years. The problem is too much has happened and I can't see living the rest of my life with him. He knows this. I know this. We've discussed it. But such is the state of someone with emotional issues, it's very much a rollercoaster ride. And now I have guilt about the fact that my husband really IS trying to make himself better. I have just lost all desire to rebuild our relationship.
And so about eight months ago I struck up a conversation with a mutual friend. There hadn't been any real conversation between the two of us before and the connection during that chat was instant. Of course I ignored it because I'm a reasonable person, married with children and so is he. And then another conversation, and another...and soon you realize that you have a very deep and profound friendship and connection with this other man. Soon conversations turn private and you have to make a choice. You either stop talking to this person all together, because the intensity is too much to ignore, and casual friendship is no longer an option, or you make the choice to continue and see where it goes? Well, I know you can gather which choice we made.
What's funny is this isn't about a cheap thrill. The thought of getting caught is mortifying not exciting. The realities of an affair are nothing like the stereotypes portrayed in romance novels or Hollywood movies. The reality is my days are crushing, depressing, and aching as much as they are passionate, intense and intoxicating. I'm in purgatory. Stuck somewhere between where I am and where I want to be. Of course we would love to spend our days together. Of course I would love to share my life with him openly. Absolutely the most incredible, amazing man on the planet exists and I want to talk to people about him. But I can't. It's a shameful secret rather than a beautiful romance.
I see his wife only through photographs. I know as much about her as he has told me. When I see her, regardless of the state of their marriage I feel awful. I feel awful that I'm sleeping with her husband. I feel awful that I am hurting her. I feel awful that he might leave her to be with me. It's a lose-lose situation. I want to be with him, but the cost is HUGE! Their child, my children, my husband and she will absolutely suffer. When I see her picture I cry for these things. And also I cry because she gets to live the life I want so desperately to have.
So why don't you just leave? Well, to start the kids is a huge reason. I know the philosophy of not staying for the kids and I am caught between having a marginal life with my husband, sacrificing what I have with the other man for the sake of the kids, and having a phenomenal life with a man who knows me and connects with my soul. To be with him, two families will be broken. I fantasize about just saying, "Fuck it!" and leaving, him leaving her and just being selfish...let the chips fall where they may. But that is just that, a fantasy.
Another reason is financial. Where would I go? How would I support my children on my salary and keep them in a good school district? Leaving takes time and planning. Divorce is costly and things get heated even when you promise each other to be respectful for the sake of the children.
I feel like every day is a lie. I wake up and fake smile through my morning, getting the kids ready for the day, getting to work...and then a brief exchange online with the other man and I am smiling from inside. I light up. I laugh. And I smile, a real, sincere smile. Then reality strikes again. Things to do for work, readying for the evening at home with the kids and my husband. I imagine him there, because really it's all I have. What would be different about this moment if he were here with me and the kids? Too many things to list here. Then when things settle down for the evening and kids start heading to bed...I sometimes think, "man, I am just crazy. Maybe I'm just making too much out of this?" And then I see him online. And he says "Hello. I'm dying without you here." So often I have tried to convince myself that he really couldn't want a life with me. But every thing he has ever said or done has proven over and over...time and time again that he wants more. As much as I believe this isn't about sex, because believe me...that opportunity is rare, I know it is more emotional than anything. And then I feel guilty about that too. Because, really, isn't that the worst kind?
I have no idea what I thought I would get out of sharing this. I just had to get this off my chest. There really is nothing worse than living in limbo. Living every day wanting something you cannot have is not easy, fun, a cheap thrill or adventurous. No one tells you the harsh realities of an affair. But I guess now I have.
I have to talk about this, but it's not something I can share with anyone I know. I realize I will be labeled by people and that's fine. There's probably nothing they can come up with I haven't already said to myself.
I'm having an affair. There, I said it. It's funny to think of all the things I thought, stereotypically of course, about those who would choose to engage in something like this. And yes, I admit fully that it's a choice. It didn't "just happen." There was no "accident." I made choices, he made choices and now we're having an affair. But why? Why do two normally rational, intelligent people choose this path? The questions are plenty. "How did you let this happen? Why are you doing this? Don't you realize people will be hurt?"
The other things I hear a lot are, "People who have affairs are just looking for a cheap thrill. They like the thought of doing something where they might get caught!" No one says this to me of course, because NO ONE would guess the situation I'm in. I'm a normal thirty-something woman, married with children in an upper-middle class neighborhood. I have an education and a great job. I attend school functions with people like you. My kids are friends with your kids. We might actually meet somewhere, strike up a conversation and you may find you actually like me. But if anyone knew what happened behind closed doors I would be labeled, branded and cast aside. So no one knows.
I'm not going to go into boring details about the state of my marriage. I will only say that it hasn't been good but it hasn't been horrible. My husband has emotional issues that I finally said he needed to fix. I didn't want to divorce again. That was why I stayed through all of these years. The problem is too much has happened and I can't see living the rest of my life with him. He knows this. I know this. We've discussed it. But such is the state of someone with emotional issues, it's very much a rollercoaster ride. And now I have guilt about the fact that my husband really IS trying to make himself better. I have just lost all desire to rebuild our relationship.
And so about eight months ago I struck up a conversation with a mutual friend. There hadn't been any real conversation between the two of us before and the connection during that chat was instant. Of course I ignored it because I'm a reasonable person, married with children and so is he. And then another conversation, and another...and soon you realize that you have a very deep and profound friendship and connection with this other man. Soon conversations turn private and you have to make a choice. You either stop talking to this person all together, because the intensity is too much to ignore, and casual friendship is no longer an option, or you make the choice to continue and see where it goes? Well, I know you can gather which choice we made.
What's funny is this isn't about a cheap thrill. The thought of getting caught is mortifying not exciting. The realities of an affair are nothing like the stereotypes portrayed in romance novels or Hollywood movies. The reality is my days are crushing, depressing, and aching as much as they are passionate, intense and intoxicating. I'm in purgatory. Stuck somewhere between where I am and where I want to be. Of course we would love to spend our days together. Of course I would love to share my life with him openly. Absolutely the most incredible, amazing man on the planet exists and I want to talk to people about him. But I can't. It's a shameful secret rather than a beautiful romance.
I see his wife only through photographs. I know as much about her as he has told me. When I see her, regardless of the state of their marriage I feel awful. I feel awful that I'm sleeping with her husband. I feel awful that I am hurting her. I feel awful that he might leave her to be with me. It's a lose-lose situation. I want to be with him, but the cost is HUGE! Their child, my children, my husband and she will absolutely suffer. When I see her picture I cry for these things. And also I cry because she gets to live the life I want so desperately to have.
So why don't you just leave? Well, to start the kids is a huge reason. I know the philosophy of not staying for the kids and I am caught between having a marginal life with my husband, sacrificing what I have with the other man for the sake of the kids, and having a phenomenal life with a man who knows me and connects with my soul. To be with him, two families will be broken. I fantasize about just saying, "Fuck it!" and leaving, him leaving her and just being selfish...let the chips fall where they may. But that is just that, a fantasy.
Another reason is financial. Where would I go? How would I support my children on my salary and keep them in a good school district? Leaving takes time and planning. Divorce is costly and things get heated even when you promise each other to be respectful for the sake of the children.
I feel like every day is a lie. I wake up and fake smile through my morning, getting the kids ready for the day, getting to work...and then a brief exchange online with the other man and I am smiling from inside. I light up. I laugh. And I smile, a real, sincere smile. Then reality strikes again. Things to do for work, readying for the evening at home with the kids and my husband. I imagine him there, because really it's all I have. What would be different about this moment if he were here with me and the kids? Too many things to list here. Then when things settle down for the evening and kids start heading to bed...I sometimes think, "man, I am just crazy. Maybe I'm just making too much out of this?" And then I see him online. And he says "Hello. I'm dying without you here." So often I have tried to convince myself that he really couldn't want a life with me. But every thing he has ever said or done has proven over and over...time and time again that he wants more. As much as I believe this isn't about sex, because believe me...that opportunity is rare, I know it is more emotional than anything. And then I feel guilty about that too. Because, really, isn't that the worst kind?
I have no idea what I thought I would get out of sharing this. I just had to get this off my chest. There really is nothing worse than living in limbo. Living every day wanting something you cannot have is not easy, fun, a cheap thrill or adventurous. No one tells you the harsh realities of an affair. But I guess now I have.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
The Leap
Posted by Aliki.
I’m posting here because I so badly want to write some things down and can’t on my own blog yet. Perhaps one day I will, but for now I welcome having the opportunity to post this on the back porch, as it were, and thus relieve a little the need I have to write about this and perhaps share it with my blogging friends who know me.
********
My son swam a little for the first time yesterday. He is almost seven and has been holding back for over three years—taking little tentative “steps” towards swimming; afraid but ashamed of his own fear. The water has tormented him—the kids dancing and diving in the deep end have taunted him. But yesterday he swam a little. As I watched I saw that unmistakably his feet left the bottom of the pool and I saw two slender ankles kick out against the water—briefly--but kick out they did, it all the same.
Mama I swam! He shouted, his gap-toothed grin shining from below his blue goggles. I swam!
On the walk home from the pool he asked what day it was.
It’s the 4th of June, we told him.
The 4th of June! He exclaimed. We need to mark this down as the day I learned to swim!
I did mark it down, and in my mind I made another mark. For yesterday was also the day I spoke for over 30 minutes on the telephone with his school psychologist and learned that the head of the autism team had diagnosed him with Asperger’s Syndrome—a form of high-functioning autism.
For the past year we had suspected as much, but had shied away from going down the testing road. We were afraid of labeling him; of causing more harm by perhaps compartmentalizing him into a category that could shape and define him for perhaps the rest of his life. But because of how at times desperately difficult things have been this year—particularly this past winter, we felt suddenly out of our depths. His behaviors were interfering with school—not academically, so much, although we feel is capable of much more than he is able to produce—but socially. In other words, the social side of school has become so difficult and almost unbearable for him at times that he’s developed many disruptive and upsetting behaviors to combat this and is often in a heightened state of stress and anxiety. It has been sad to see and very, very difficult.
I’m not sure what I’m expected to feel about all this. Nothing has changed with this official diagnosis yet, in a subtle way, much has. I also have this strange feeling of having done something wrong in going through with all the evaluations. Perhaps we should have left it alone, kept our fingers crossed, gritted our teeth and hoped for the best. I feel overwhelmed.
But I want the best for my son—not in terms of material success, good jobs, or even many friends. I want his days to be better—I want him to have more happy moments than painfully anxious ones. I want him to go to sleep at night and not wake up in terror; I want him to not feel so burdened by every little thing, with the need to control most aspects of his life to the point that it is physically destructive to his own health.
************
Yesterday at the pool I watched my 6 1/2year old son jump for the first time from the side of the pool and into the water. His body tensed—held back—but he gathered himself and tumbled into the water, popping up seconds later, wet and triumphant. It’s taken him years to build up the courage to do this; I watched him and thought about how it might always take him years to finally get the courage to do what most kids—even his sister—might do unhesitatingly, quickly and over and over again. I don’t want to keep him beside me always—that would sadden me. I want to see him take the leaps, feel the surge of confidence, look a stranger square in the eye; and—most importantly—go through his day and not feel that the world is pressing uncontrollably in on him. Life itself will not be difficult for him; it is the people in the world who will present problems for him; it is the mess of society—a society that moves too quickly and demands too much—that will hold him back, push him further into his cocoon, overwhelm him constantly.
I wish all days for him from here on out could be as uncomplicated as a day by the pool; the water clear and shining, the moment only about the leap, and the happy plunge into the shallows.
I’m posting here because I so badly want to write some things down and can’t on my own blog yet. Perhaps one day I will, but for now I welcome having the opportunity to post this on the back porch, as it were, and thus relieve a little the need I have to write about this and perhaps share it with my blogging friends who know me.
********
My son swam a little for the first time yesterday. He is almost seven and has been holding back for over three years—taking little tentative “steps” towards swimming; afraid but ashamed of his own fear. The water has tormented him—the kids dancing and diving in the deep end have taunted him. But yesterday he swam a little. As I watched I saw that unmistakably his feet left the bottom of the pool and I saw two slender ankles kick out against the water—briefly--but kick out they did, it all the same.
Mama I swam! He shouted, his gap-toothed grin shining from below his blue goggles. I swam!
On the walk home from the pool he asked what day it was.
It’s the 4th of June, we told him.
The 4th of June! He exclaimed. We need to mark this down as the day I learned to swim!
I did mark it down, and in my mind I made another mark. For yesterday was also the day I spoke for over 30 minutes on the telephone with his school psychologist and learned that the head of the autism team had diagnosed him with Asperger’s Syndrome—a form of high-functioning autism.
For the past year we had suspected as much, but had shied away from going down the testing road. We were afraid of labeling him; of causing more harm by perhaps compartmentalizing him into a category that could shape and define him for perhaps the rest of his life. But because of how at times desperately difficult things have been this year—particularly this past winter, we felt suddenly out of our depths. His behaviors were interfering with school—not academically, so much, although we feel is capable of much more than he is able to produce—but socially. In other words, the social side of school has become so difficult and almost unbearable for him at times that he’s developed many disruptive and upsetting behaviors to combat this and is often in a heightened state of stress and anxiety. It has been sad to see and very, very difficult.
I’m not sure what I’m expected to feel about all this. Nothing has changed with this official diagnosis yet, in a subtle way, much has. I also have this strange feeling of having done something wrong in going through with all the evaluations. Perhaps we should have left it alone, kept our fingers crossed, gritted our teeth and hoped for the best. I feel overwhelmed.
But I want the best for my son—not in terms of material success, good jobs, or even many friends. I want his days to be better—I want him to have more happy moments than painfully anxious ones. I want him to go to sleep at night and not wake up in terror; I want him to not feel so burdened by every little thing, with the need to control most aspects of his life to the point that it is physically destructive to his own health.
************
Yesterday at the pool I watched my 6 1/2year old son jump for the first time from the side of the pool and into the water. His body tensed—held back—but he gathered himself and tumbled into the water, popping up seconds later, wet and triumphant. It’s taken him years to build up the courage to do this; I watched him and thought about how it might always take him years to finally get the courage to do what most kids—even his sister—might do unhesitatingly, quickly and over and over again. I don’t want to keep him beside me always—that would sadden me. I want to see him take the leaps, feel the surge of confidence, look a stranger square in the eye; and—most importantly—go through his day and not feel that the world is pressing uncontrollably in on him. Life itself will not be difficult for him; it is the people in the world who will present problems for him; it is the mess of society—a society that moves too quickly and demands too much—that will hold him back, push him further into his cocoon, overwhelm him constantly.
I wish all days for him from here on out could be as uncomplicated as a day by the pool; the water clear and shining, the moment only about the leap, and the happy plunge into the shallows.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Finding the Strength to Leave
Posted By Anonymous.
I don't know what I want anymore!
I can't pretend to be happy anymore!
I can't lie anymore!
I can't pretend anymore!
I don't know what to do...
When violence appears is it worth it to continue? I am so torn oh great now this song comes on Face Down from Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, bleh...
I am gonna cry again I hit first so that makes me the bad one right even though I was cornered and had my face squished with his etc etc what do you do this has never happened to this point my body hurts ugh I cannot even make sense right now. I hit him first cause I was soooooo angry after all the stupid BS & being cornered like that for the 100th time! I just wanted to say get out of my face you fuckin ass & ended up yelling at him as to how lazy he is & how much I want him gone & then I just went nuts hitting & well then I was being pulled onto the floor & not the only one hitting!
Now hours later he is asking me why I am not over it & acting happy like WTF is wrong with
him! I mean I understand this is 50% my fault & 50% his but what kind of a question is that does he not expect me to be a bit hateful & weird now I mean UGH I don't know how to act or communicate this right now!
Communictaion is most of my issue I can't let him know how I feel about anything until I have lost it & well he gets pissed & breaks stuff or grabs me & corners me!
Someone help I need advice!
*I have edited this a bit since first posted*
I want to say also I feel that abuse is not ok either way meaning a man should not hit a woman & vise versa a woman should not hit the man! I always said if the girl hits you she is fair game! I think that is why I am soooo torn here since I hit first! I don't have the time nor the want to justify myself or give tons of background except to say I was wrong, but so was he for hitting me back, both of us suck! There are soooo many past events that lead up to this. The many times
we have gotten into fights I have been hurt only slightly and mostly my pride & never pushed back or anything! I just could not take it anymore today & snapped! LOL & one more thing why is it the guy never looks beat up?
_____________________________________________________
I am SOOOOOOOOOOO sick & tired of him watching me look for jobs & doing nothing himself but sitting there watching tv or playing video games. You know not even 5months ago he was sitting in jail for NO CHILD SUPPORT and I spent all my efforts & $700 of bill money +
asking our friends for help to find the $1000 bail to get his LAZY ass out of jail oh & this was during Christmas NICE. Oh & that money that I came up with for bail goes to that bitch I HATE!! Ok so then we have the month of January where he found a job, but only had it for three weeks before being fired!!!! So of course he used almost all that money for Child Support not that I don't understand that, but I mean SERIOUSLY when is he ever gonna make a contribution to THIS family, you know, the one he lives with?
So he goes to court in March they don't arrest him because you know he sent the state money from the job he had in Jan. SOOOOOO now we sit here just like the past THREE FUCKING years now well almost 3yrs and he is still a fucking dead beat dad & a lazy ass person. He does help around the house & does the things I don't wanna do, but seriously when he goes to jail
again in June(next court day) I am packing his shit & leaving town!
I mean why am I sooooo fucking STUPID to just sit here let him hit me, not get a job & have all the stress of having to find the $$$ to take care of things bymyself & OMFG he just lit up a cigarrette in MY fucking house when he knows I HATE it he is supposed to go outside, but like that is gonna happen! You know I have a child with asthma that cig shit sticks in the air & on the furniture but if I say anything it will be a fight!
WTF UGH I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW I WANNA RUN AND SCREAM AND HIDE AND SHOOT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You guys know I quit smoking pot cause you know we don't have the money & he still has
cigs UGH I am gonna start smoking cigs again I swear! Oh & did I mention I have been going through a huge horrible thing with my ex(Jordan's dad) for three years now for child support & he hears me bitch about him & says bad stuff when WTF does he have to say about
anything! STUPID ASSHOLE! Ok so who can I move in with or who wants to help me kill him cause he will not leave he tells me to go! Sad fact is I don't want him to go only because we have the best mind splitting, mind numbing craziest sex I have ever had & I will
SO miss it, it's great!
I think I have lost my mind! :( & I know what you are thinking have a talk with him & well that does nothing AT ALL he does not even try to look for a job not on craigslist not in person UGH I hate myself for doing this to myself... Why doesn't he care? Why doesn't he want this to be better? Why doesn't he want to be a real man & help his family? You guys all know that I would be fine with him staying at home me working full time if he would just get a part time job to pay his child support I AM NOT GONNA DO IT FOR HIM OVER MY DEAD BODY! & he wants to marry me yea right so I can be liable for his lazy ass & his child support that is soooo not gonna
happen! So tell me WTF! Oh & I have decided to finally get my GED this is partially due to the fact that I want & need to have a decent job and they usually require at least a GED. I do have a diploma my dad made me (fake of course) that has worked for most jobs, but since looking into this job in Gatesville I have realized that I need the real thing if not only for that job but many others! So please wish me luck I have been studing or at least trying to between everything else but when I take the pretests I suck so... lol.
I want to be happy I really do I cannot understand what I did to deserve this... The children I love to death they are not the problem it is my man if you can call him that... I am having such an issue with all the crap and the GUILT I feel about the fact that I am leaving him. I have to leave he is verbally & occasionally physically violent. Always uses fear to stop an argument to make himself right I could go on and on, but I digress. I have to get to the point where I have somewhere else to go and the monies saved up. It could be another month and I am going
insane. Please give me the strength to continue on!!!!!
I don't know what I want anymore!
I can't pretend to be happy anymore!
I can't lie anymore!
I can't pretend anymore!
I don't know what to do...
When violence appears is it worth it to continue? I am so torn oh great now this song comes on Face Down from Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, bleh...
I am gonna cry again I hit first so that makes me the bad one right even though I was cornered and had my face squished with his etc etc what do you do this has never happened to this point my body hurts ugh I cannot even make sense right now. I hit him first cause I was soooooo angry after all the stupid BS & being cornered like that for the 100th time! I just wanted to say get out of my face you fuckin ass & ended up yelling at him as to how lazy he is & how much I want him gone & then I just went nuts hitting & well then I was being pulled onto the floor & not the only one hitting!
Now hours later he is asking me why I am not over it & acting happy like WTF is wrong with
him! I mean I understand this is 50% my fault & 50% his but what kind of a question is that does he not expect me to be a bit hateful & weird now I mean UGH I don't know how to act or communicate this right now!
Communictaion is most of my issue I can't let him know how I feel about anything until I have lost it & well he gets pissed & breaks stuff or grabs me & corners me!
Someone help I need advice!
*I have edited this a bit since first posted*
I want to say also I feel that abuse is not ok either way meaning a man should not hit a woman & vise versa a woman should not hit the man! I always said if the girl hits you she is fair game! I think that is why I am soooo torn here since I hit first! I don't have the time nor the want to justify myself or give tons of background except to say I was wrong, but so was he for hitting me back, both of us suck! There are soooo many past events that lead up to this. The many times
we have gotten into fights I have been hurt only slightly and mostly my pride & never pushed back or anything! I just could not take it anymore today & snapped! LOL & one more thing why is it the guy never looks beat up?
_____________________________________________________
I am SOOOOOOOOOOO sick & tired of him watching me look for jobs & doing nothing himself but sitting there watching tv or playing video games. You know not even 5months ago he was sitting in jail for NO CHILD SUPPORT and I spent all my efforts & $700 of bill money +
asking our friends for help to find the $1000 bail to get his LAZY ass out of jail oh & this was during Christmas NICE. Oh & that money that I came up with for bail goes to that bitch I HATE!! Ok so then we have the month of January where he found a job, but only had it for three weeks before being fired!!!! So of course he used almost all that money for Child Support not that I don't understand that, but I mean SERIOUSLY when is he ever gonna make a contribution to THIS family, you know, the one he lives with?
So he goes to court in March they don't arrest him because you know he sent the state money from the job he had in Jan. SOOOOOO now we sit here just like the past THREE FUCKING years now well almost 3yrs and he is still a fucking dead beat dad & a lazy ass person. He does help around the house & does the things I don't wanna do, but seriously when he goes to jail
again in June(next court day) I am packing his shit & leaving town!
I mean why am I sooooo fucking STUPID to just sit here let him hit me, not get a job & have all the stress of having to find the $$$ to take care of things bymyself & OMFG he just lit up a cigarrette in MY fucking house when he knows I HATE it he is supposed to go outside, but like that is gonna happen! You know I have a child with asthma that cig shit sticks in the air & on the furniture but if I say anything it will be a fight!
WTF UGH I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW I WANNA RUN AND SCREAM AND HIDE AND SHOOT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You guys know I quit smoking pot cause you know we don't have the money & he still has
cigs UGH I am gonna start smoking cigs again I swear! Oh & did I mention I have been going through a huge horrible thing with my ex(Jordan's dad) for three years now for child support & he hears me bitch about him & says bad stuff when WTF does he have to say about
anything! STUPID ASSHOLE! Ok so who can I move in with or who wants to help me kill him cause he will not leave he tells me to go! Sad fact is I don't want him to go only because we have the best mind splitting, mind numbing craziest sex I have ever had & I will
SO miss it, it's great!
I think I have lost my mind! :( & I know what you are thinking have a talk with him & well that does nothing AT ALL he does not even try to look for a job not on craigslist not in person UGH I hate myself for doing this to myself... Why doesn't he care? Why doesn't he want this to be better? Why doesn't he want to be a real man & help his family? You guys all know that I would be fine with him staying at home me working full time if he would just get a part time job to pay his child support I AM NOT GONNA DO IT FOR HIM OVER MY DEAD BODY! & he wants to marry me yea right so I can be liable for his lazy ass & his child support that is soooo not gonna
happen! So tell me WTF! Oh & I have decided to finally get my GED this is partially due to the fact that I want & need to have a decent job and they usually require at least a GED. I do have a diploma my dad made me (fake of course) that has worked for most jobs, but since looking into this job in Gatesville I have realized that I need the real thing if not only for that job but many others! So please wish me luck I have been studing or at least trying to between everything else but when I take the pretests I suck so... lol.
I want to be happy I really do I cannot understand what I did to deserve this... The children I love to death they are not the problem it is my man if you can call him that... I am having such an issue with all the crap and the GUILT I feel about the fact that I am leaving him. I have to leave he is verbally & occasionally physically violent. Always uses fear to stop an argument to make himself right I could go on and on, but I digress. I have to get to the point where I have somewhere else to go and the monies saved up. It could be another month and I am going
insane. Please give me the strength to continue on!!!!!
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Not True Love: Now What?
Posted by Anonymous.
Let me say first that I am not perfect. I have a bipolar disorder and some severe anger issues. I have a tendency to be controlling, I have high standards (some would say too high), and I am incredibly stubborn. I can be very difficult to live with (it could be said hell to live with), although I am working so hard to change that, because the last thing I want is my son to inherit those *charming* qualities. That said, let me explain why I am writing this. I don't really know how to say this nicely, but I don't want to marry my fiancé. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him, and to be quite honest, I don't really want him to be the one raising my son, although I know I really have very little choice in that particular matter.
I am completely not attracted to him. I think that the reason I was even remotely attracted to him at first was the fact that I had just been through several awful relationships in rapid succession, and he was so nice and gentle and unassuming. But I'm pretty resilient and I got over those pretty quickly. At which point, had the situation not been what it is, I most likely would have broken it off with him. It's not my intent to use him, but my judgment was severely impaired when we started dating. I can't stand the fact that he has absolutely no idea how to dress himself nicely, or the fact that he is so incredibly hairy, or that he doesn't take care of himself at all. He often looks like a homeless person (and I know, we know quite a few homeless people). He eats terrible food and doesn't exercise at all. He rarely bathes or shaves unless I tell him to, dresses in clothes that are unsuited to his body shape and are too tight, accentuating the fact that he is overweight and has horrible "thunder-thighs" and a gut that is much larger than my 6-month pregnant belly. He wears dirty clothes and just in general presents himself terribly.
On top of his lack of care with his personal appearance, he is incredibly lazy. In all aspects of his life, he does just barely enough to squeak by. He hates working at pretty much any job open to him given his level of education and expertise, instead only taking jobs as a caregiver for disabled adults. He works 15-20 hours per week, most of which are spent doing things like hanging out with some lonely old person watching TV, with the occasional hour or two spent cleaning up their house or running errands for them.
At home, he requires explicit instructions to do anything, and then acts like cleaning up around the house is some kind of favor to me. Um, I don't think so. If he lives here, he is just as responsible for making sure it stays clean as I am. He also gets angry when I give him specific instructions on how to do something, complaining I am treating him like an idiot, when the only reason I am doing it is because if I don't give step by step directions, he either doesn't do the entire job, or does it completely wrong ( i.e. when we are out of dishwasher soap, hand washing requires washing, rinsing, and putting away). He has no desire to go to school or get any kind of vocational training or to ever work a job beyond what he is doing now. The few times I have brought it up, he gets very irritated and complains that I am trying to force him into doing something he's just not cut out for ( i.e. school).
He says his only goal in life is to have a family. I have asked him many times how he planned to support that family, what he would do, where he might want to live, opinions on major issues like circumcision, discipline etc, and he never has an answer. He says he never really thought about it. And he gets very upset at me when I try and get him to think about it. In fact, pretty much any time he is required to do any kind of thinking about something, he doesn't want to do it.
I can't stand his laziness or his lack of self respect. I can't stand how he never thinks of anything even when pressed. I can't stand how he acts like taking care of his house is some sort of favor to me. He is so completely opposite of me in some ways. I think you should always do a job right and to the best of your ability the first time you do it, as this shows pride in your work and your self. I think you should always try and look your best and present yourself in the best light (those 3am runs to the convenience store for coffee and candy bars aside). I cannot even fathom not thinking about things and making informed decisions about things, especially regarding something as important as raising your children. And I absolutely do not understand not having any drive to better one's self. Isn't that an essential component of our humanity, the drive to do and be better than we presently are?
Most importantly, I don't want my kid to grow up thinking these things are ok.
So here's my problem. I'm sure you are saying by now "so leave him! Obviously you aren't right for each other and this kind of relationship can't be healthy for your child to be born into!" and I understand that and completely agree. However, I simply can't afford it. I have no money, no relatives to fall back on, and I already work 30+ hours per week, which is killing me as it is. I live in California, so if you're familiar with the U.S., you know that it is an incredibly expensive state. On top of this, I have one more problem: a few months after my son is born I will be going into a vocational program funded by the government. Now, this program is fantastic. It is paid for by the state, you live on campus and get 3 squares a day, paid training, job placement, a clothing allowance and even an allowance for things like entertainment or toiletries or whatever little incidentals you might need. The problem is that I can't take my baby with me. It's in a major city 2 hours from here, and you can go home on weekends. So while I'm gone, I'm going to need someone to take care of the baby. My mom has offered to help as much as possible, but she is currently going through a divorce and by that time will be working many, many hours a week just to provide for herself and my brother, so her time to help will be limited. I am afraid that if I leave now, my fiancé will not be willing to take care of the baby for the 6-8 months the program lasts.
I'm sorry, but I am not going to give up my life and my goals to break out of the poverty that has marked my entire life. I refuse to let my kid grow up as poor as I did. I do feel guilty that I will be leaving my little baby to get an education for much of his first year, but my life shouldn't and can't be ruined because I was stupid and got pregnant. So I'm not really sure what I'm asking for. Or if I am asking anything. I just wanted to be able to tell someone how I felt. Please, don't judge me or say I'm a horrible person for this. I just want my son to have the best life possible, regardless of the fact that for a while, I'm going to have to sacrifice seeing all the little milestones he'll reach while I'm away at school. I don't see any other way. I can't handle more than one major thing at once: I crash and burn. I've done it time and time again, and the last thing I want to crash and burn at is being a mother. That's a whole lot less fixable than many of my other mistakes.
I am sorry this is so long... I just feel as if there was a lot to get off my chest.
Let me say first that I am not perfect. I have a bipolar disorder and some severe anger issues. I have a tendency to be controlling, I have high standards (some would say too high), and I am incredibly stubborn. I can be very difficult to live with (it could be said hell to live with), although I am working so hard to change that, because the last thing I want is my son to inherit those *charming* qualities. That said, let me explain why I am writing this. I don't really know how to say this nicely, but I don't want to marry my fiancé. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him, and to be quite honest, I don't really want him to be the one raising my son, although I know I really have very little choice in that particular matter.
I am completely not attracted to him. I think that the reason I was even remotely attracted to him at first was the fact that I had just been through several awful relationships in rapid succession, and he was so nice and gentle and unassuming. But I'm pretty resilient and I got over those pretty quickly. At which point, had the situation not been what it is, I most likely would have broken it off with him. It's not my intent to use him, but my judgment was severely impaired when we started dating. I can't stand the fact that he has absolutely no idea how to dress himself nicely, or the fact that he is so incredibly hairy, or that he doesn't take care of himself at all. He often looks like a homeless person (and I know, we know quite a few homeless people). He eats terrible food and doesn't exercise at all. He rarely bathes or shaves unless I tell him to, dresses in clothes that are unsuited to his body shape and are too tight, accentuating the fact that he is overweight and has horrible "thunder-thighs" and a gut that is much larger than my 6-month pregnant belly. He wears dirty clothes and just in general presents himself terribly.
On top of his lack of care with his personal appearance, he is incredibly lazy. In all aspects of his life, he does just barely enough to squeak by. He hates working at pretty much any job open to him given his level of education and expertise, instead only taking jobs as a caregiver for disabled adults. He works 15-20 hours per week, most of which are spent doing things like hanging out with some lonely old person watching TV, with the occasional hour or two spent cleaning up their house or running errands for them.
At home, he requires explicit instructions to do anything, and then acts like cleaning up around the house is some kind of favor to me. Um, I don't think so. If he lives here, he is just as responsible for making sure it stays clean as I am. He also gets angry when I give him specific instructions on how to do something, complaining I am treating him like an idiot, when the only reason I am doing it is because if I don't give step by step directions, he either doesn't do the entire job, or does it completely wrong ( i.e. when we are out of dishwasher soap, hand washing requires washing, rinsing, and putting away). He has no desire to go to school or get any kind of vocational training or to ever work a job beyond what he is doing now. The few times I have brought it up, he gets very irritated and complains that I am trying to force him into doing something he's just not cut out for ( i.e. school).
He says his only goal in life is to have a family. I have asked him many times how he planned to support that family, what he would do, where he might want to live, opinions on major issues like circumcision, discipline etc, and he never has an answer. He says he never really thought about it. And he gets very upset at me when I try and get him to think about it. In fact, pretty much any time he is required to do any kind of thinking about something, he doesn't want to do it.
I can't stand his laziness or his lack of self respect. I can't stand how he never thinks of anything even when pressed. I can't stand how he acts like taking care of his house is some sort of favor to me. He is so completely opposite of me in some ways. I think you should always do a job right and to the best of your ability the first time you do it, as this shows pride in your work and your self. I think you should always try and look your best and present yourself in the best light (those 3am runs to the convenience store for coffee and candy bars aside). I cannot even fathom not thinking about things and making informed decisions about things, especially regarding something as important as raising your children. And I absolutely do not understand not having any drive to better one's self. Isn't that an essential component of our humanity, the drive to do and be better than we presently are?
Most importantly, I don't want my kid to grow up thinking these things are ok.
So here's my problem. I'm sure you are saying by now "so leave him! Obviously you aren't right for each other and this kind of relationship can't be healthy for your child to be born into!" and I understand that and completely agree. However, I simply can't afford it. I have no money, no relatives to fall back on, and I already work 30+ hours per week, which is killing me as it is. I live in California, so if you're familiar with the U.S., you know that it is an incredibly expensive state. On top of this, I have one more problem: a few months after my son is born I will be going into a vocational program funded by the government. Now, this program is fantastic. It is paid for by the state, you live on campus and get 3 squares a day, paid training, job placement, a clothing allowance and even an allowance for things like entertainment or toiletries or whatever little incidentals you might need. The problem is that I can't take my baby with me. It's in a major city 2 hours from here, and you can go home on weekends. So while I'm gone, I'm going to need someone to take care of the baby. My mom has offered to help as much as possible, but she is currently going through a divorce and by that time will be working many, many hours a week just to provide for herself and my brother, so her time to help will be limited. I am afraid that if I leave now, my fiancé will not be willing to take care of the baby for the 6-8 months the program lasts.
I'm sorry, but I am not going to give up my life and my goals to break out of the poverty that has marked my entire life. I refuse to let my kid grow up as poor as I did. I do feel guilty that I will be leaving my little baby to get an education for much of his first year, but my life shouldn't and can't be ruined because I was stupid and got pregnant. So I'm not really sure what I'm asking for. Or if I am asking anything. I just wanted to be able to tell someone how I felt. Please, don't judge me or say I'm a horrible person for this. I just want my son to have the best life possible, regardless of the fact that for a while, I'm going to have to sacrifice seeing all the little milestones he'll reach while I'm away at school. I don't see any other way. I can't handle more than one major thing at once: I crash and burn. I've done it time and time again, and the last thing I want to crash and burn at is being a mother. That's a whole lot less fixable than many of my other mistakes.
I am sorry this is so long... I just feel as if there was a lot to get off my chest.
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